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Original poster

Dd and Dp clashing and making ds upset

150 replies

SaveTheWeek · 13/08/2024 23:30

Tonight our dd, who is 13 was messing around acting silly. It was time for bed but she wouldn't calm down and as she shares a room with ds, who is 8, we asked if she could be quiet and not wake him. She decided she would stomp up the stairs and be very loud. Giggling and singing. Both me and dp asked her to please be quiet. She didn't listen.
I heard ds get up not long after and he came to tell me dd was listening to music on her phone and he couldn't sleep. Dp went to tell dd to turn the phone off and she kicked him. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not. Dp then says she's not allowed her phone. Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed.
I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.
I asked them both to leave it but they were both ignoring me. Ds was getting upset.

Eventually, they both stopped arguing but I'm left feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed ds was disturbed so much. I'm annoyed at dd for her behavior and I'm annoyed at dp for basically acting like a second teenager.

Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all.

OP posts:
DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 14/08/2024 00:10

SaveTheWeek · 13/08/2024 23:57

Ds was getting worked up and I thought the quickest way to settle things was if everyone apologized and we could discuss things in the morning.
Dp wasn't completely innocent. He didn't start the argument but he argued with dd more than necessary. Like I said he was acting like a teenager also.

Shed clearly shown she can't be reasoned with.
He doesn't need to argue with her. She needs to learn to shut up and listen.

What needs to happen is you bollock her in the morning and explain her little world will become very boring if she tries that again.

DoreenonTill8 · 14/08/2024 00:13

saraclara · 14/08/2024 00:09

Another one wondering why your partner was made to apologise. Your DD couldn't have been more of a brat if she'd tried. She was rude to you both, she disobeyed you, she swore, she kept her brother awake deliberately and she KICKED your partner. And if you believe that was an accident, you're extremely gullible.

Your DP disciplined her by taking away her phone, and you force him to apologise? Just to pacify her? You have set yourself (and DP) up for a world if trouble. She's going to be the teenager from hell who thinks she rules the roost. You're ineffectual, and you've ensured that she won't take a blind bit of notice of her dad either. And your son's watching this and learning that he'll be able to get away with this shit soon too.

Jeeze.

Edited

Absolutely this. @SaveTheWeek am sure not alone in wondering what her dad was to apologise for?!

Original poster
SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 00:18

I'll hold my hands up and admit I was hoping that if dp apologized then the whole situation would calm down. It was just dragging on and on and no one was getting anywhere. I just wanted everyone to be able to get to bed and of course we would all talk in the morning.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 14/08/2024 00:21

A 13 year old absolutely should not have her phone at bedtime, for a start.

Edingril · 14/08/2024 00:21

SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 00:04

I'm in no way condoning dd behavior. Ds was awake when I told dd what she did was completely unacceptable.
As an adult I would expect dp to not drag the argument on and on especially when he could see ds was getting upset about all the shouting.

But you treated him like a teenager in this you have not taken responsibility for your actions

MissJoGrant · 14/08/2024 00:22

shellyleppard · 13/08/2024 23:49

Why are they sharing a room??? Aren't they supposed to have separate bedrooms at a certain age??

Not everyone has enough money for separate bedrooms.
Also, a single question mark is sufficient.

Secondstart1001 · 14/08/2024 00:23

@SaveTheWeek don’t worry, I know your intentions were good. Sometimes the father will go into turbo aggressive mode which puts you in a difficult position. Talk in the morning as well to time. A telling off can be short and effective without a whole rant! I am hearing you and will try and support you x

DoreenonTill8 · 14/08/2024 00:23

SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 00:18

I'll hold my hands up and admit I was hoping that if dp apologized then the whole situation would calm down. It was just dragging on and on and no one was getting anywhere. I just wanted everyone to be able to get to bed and of course we would all talk in the morning.

But what was he to apologise for?!
Your first thought was to blame your dp, and make out that your dd is the victim of unfairness for being told off for shitty behaviour? No wonder she behaves as she does.

MissJoGrant · 14/08/2024 00:24

I read this post three times trying to understand what the dp had done wrong. Turns out it was absolutely nothing. Support your dp, OP.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/08/2024 00:28

You said everything calmed down and ds went back to bed, then you made dp go in and apologise (for actually trying to discipline his child and protect ds) and then that's when it kicked back off again.

Sorry but I really think you were in the wrong here. Mostly DD was of course, but you didn't help!

NoSnowdrop · 14/08/2024 00:30

why was your dd allowed to swear at her parent? This is awful behaviour and it’s no wonder she’s such a brat. You need to learn how to be a parent and fast. What a shitshow all round.

H112 · 14/08/2024 00:30

A thirteen year old girl shouldn't be sharing a room with an eight year old boy. Big reason why she's acting out this is just odd she's too big for that

saraclara · 14/08/2024 00:32

H112 · 14/08/2024 00:30

A thirteen year old girl shouldn't be sharing a room with an eight year old boy. Big reason why she's acting out this is just odd she's too big for that

Are you going to fund an extension to OP's house then? Or give her the money for a bigger house?

Ponderingwindow · 14/08/2024 00:33

Taking a phone away is a natural consequence for using it after hours. Having dad apologize for parenting was a mistake in this situation.

I do think it’s worth looking into how the whole thing started.

The kids share rooms. Opposite sex and a pretty big age gap. Is the 13 year old expected to go to bed early to compensate for her little brother? Does she have a space or a time where she can hang out and listen to music or just generally be a teenager without her parents and/or brother around? She needs that at this stage and it’s time to find a way to carve that out for her. It might come from you and her father spending time in your room after the youngest goes to bed so she can have the living room for some privacy.

she was using her phone after bedtime and in a disruptive manner. You can nip this in the bud with parental controls. Even if you want her to have some features and allow a bit of bedtime access, you can control how much and exactly which apps.

13 is a tough age. She wants more freedom. She deserves more freedom. When it’s calm, sit down and talk to her about what she cares about most. That doesn’t mean indulge everything, that means figure out what restrictions are bothering her most and decide as parents what you can relax. You can set targets for improved behavior for her to achieve future changes.

YourWildAmberSloth · 14/08/2024 00:42

SaveTheWeek · 13/08/2024 23:39

Well I suppose not so much apologize, more to make sure they didn't go to bed on a bad note.

I must admit I do ask dp to apologize sometimes when he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but I hope it will calm the situation all round.

There's the problem OP, right there. You do know that that's ridiculous, don't you?

wandawaves · 14/08/2024 00:43

"Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all."

You need to support your DP and both of you need to parent her better.

You said in your OP that she was "acting silly", "wouldn't calm down", "stomped up the stairs, giggling and singing"... so it was HER that caused this whole loud scene, not sure why you're blaming your DP's discipline for causing it.

If you're big on apologies, you should be apologising to your DP for not supporting him!

Notwhatuwanttohear · 14/08/2024 00:47

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2024 23:58

She’s rude, selfish, potentially violent, deliberately woke her brother at least once, she told her dad to fuck off and you’re blaming him?

And you often tell him to apologise to appease her?

DS is watching all of this you know, he’s watching the bully be pandered to. I wonder how he’ll behave at 13. Incredible.

Couldn't agree more.

The whole situation is ridiculous and to make her dp apologise after he has just be told to fuck off and assaulted by the madam is just the icing on the cake.

The one I feel sorry for is your ds, you've brought this all on yourself with your (lack of) parenting.

Original poster
SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 00:53

Thank you for understanding @Secondstart1001.

Dd did start the whole thing off. Both me and dp told her she needed to calm down. She didn't listen to either of us. Me and dp both handle things a bit differently. I can stay calmer whereas dp will tend to shout to get his points across. When he shouts dd gets defensive. She is more likely to listen to me. Ds had to deal with two people in his room shouting at each other whilst he tried to get back to sleep. I took ds with me to settle him and could hear what sounded like two teenagers arguing. Dd apologized for her actions and I think it was fair that dp should have apologized for shouting. There was no need and it just made everything worse.

OP posts:
EMary12345 · 14/08/2024 00:53

It sounds like a hard situation with her having to share a room - teenagers at that age generally spend time in their rooms unwinding and listening to music until they are ready to sleep. Does she have some space where she can do that in the evening? Could she use your bedroom until she's ready to sleep? In summer hols I don't think we ever had bedtime as such in the teenage years!

WinterMorn · 14/08/2024 00:57

NoSnowdrop · 14/08/2024 00:30

why was your dd allowed to swear at her parent? This is awful behaviour and it’s no wonder she’s such a brat. You need to learn how to be a parent and fast. What a shitshow all round.

Definitely. If I had told one of my parents to “F off” when I was 13 I would have been beaten black and blue! Of course I am not saying that was the appropriate response, but the total lack of parenting and failure to address the issues in OP’s post is astonishing.

ISpyWithMyLittleEyeSomethingBeginningWith · 14/08/2024 00:58

I think if you know you deal with your DD more calmly and effectively, you should have dealt with her, rather than your DP.
It all sounds a bit of a toxic scenario. It sounds like us vs them. You see yourself and DS as the victims of it ‘stuck in the middle’, your DP gets scapegoated when he hasn’t done anything wrong and made to apologise, and as for your DD, it sounds like she is in charge.

LoremIpsumCici · 14/08/2024 00:58

I’m sorry, but they really should not be sharing a room. They are too far apart in age and a teen girl should have privacy from a brother. You’d have less problems if they didn’t share a room. Sell your house and move or find another rental.

K0OLA1D · 14/08/2024 00:59

SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 00:53

Thank you for understanding @Secondstart1001.

Dd did start the whole thing off. Both me and dp told her she needed to calm down. She didn't listen to either of us. Me and dp both handle things a bit differently. I can stay calmer whereas dp will tend to shout to get his points across. When he shouts dd gets defensive. She is more likely to listen to me. Ds had to deal with two people in his room shouting at each other whilst he tried to get back to sleep. I took ds with me to settle him and could hear what sounded like two teenagers arguing. Dd apologized for her actions and I think it was fair that dp should have apologized for shouting. There was no need and it just made everything worse.

So why did you make him go back in if you know they antagonise each other?

What will her consequences be in the morning for lashing out and swearing?

K0OLA1D · 14/08/2024 01:00

LoremIpsumCici · 14/08/2024 00:58

I’m sorry, but they really should not be sharing a room. They are too far apart in age and a teen girl should have privacy from a brother. You’d have less problems if they didn’t share a room. Sell your house and move or find another rental.

Wow. If only it was that easy

Original poster
SaveTheWeek · 14/08/2024 01:01

Regarding the bedroom situation. Dd has access to the bedroom all day up until 8pm. Ds prefers to be downstairs during the day. From 8pm to bedtime she can either be with me and dp downstairs or go into our bedroom. She will usually choose to be downstairs in the evening. When she's ready for bed she will usually get in bed and read for an hour or so then go to sleep.

I know it's not ideal but it's all we have at the moment and usually it works.

OP posts:
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