Dd and Dp clashing and making ds upset

[SaveTheWeek]

Tonight our dd, who is 13 was messing around acting silly. It was time for bed but she wouldn't calm down and as she shares a room with ds, who is 8, we asked if she could be quiet and not wake him. She decided she would stomp up the stairs and be very loud. Giggling and singing. Both me and dp asked her to please be quiet. She didn't listen.
I heard ds get up not long after and he came to tell me dd was listening to music on her phone and he couldn't sleep. Dp went to tell dd to turn the phone off and she kicked him. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or not. Dp then says she's not allowed her phone. Everything calmed down and ds went back to bed.
I asked dp to apologize to dd but when he did dd wasn't happy and told him to F off. This woke up ds again. I sat comforting ds as they both argued at each other.
I asked them both to leave it but they were both ignoring me. Ds was getting upset.

Eventually, they both stopped arguing but I'm left feeling annoyed. I'm annoyed ds was disturbed so much. I'm annoyed at dd for her behavior and I'm annoyed at dp for basically acting like a second teenager.

Me and ds are just stuck in the middle all the time and I don't know what to do to make things better for us all.

You are totally undermining your DPs authority with the children. No wonder DD is so badly behaved. Next time butt out and let him do his job as a parent. It's outrageous he should have to apologise when she has behaved so appallingly.

@LoremIpsumCici your information is outdated, or at least unrealistic, because what it says on paper and what actually happens in the real world is very different.

My neighbours live in social housing , have a boy and girl of similar ages to OP and they live in a top floor 1 bed. They're just told to keep bidding, they have been since the boy was born. So no, OP isn't raising her kids in worse situations than the most deprived people. Get a grip.

SaveTheWeek · Yesterday 23:39
Well I suppose not so much apologize, more to make sure they didn't go to bed on a bad note.
I must admit I do ask dp to apologize sometimes when he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but I hope it will calm the situation all round.

You are the problem. Try parenting and supporting your partner in his not unreasonable requests, rather than trying to curry favour with your daughter - she has too much power that you have handed her.

How is my advice to move to an area with a cheaper CoL “tone deaf”?

If you can’t afford to house your kids properly because your area is too expensive, your choices are

• what the OP is doing which is forcing overcrowding and that comes with unavoidable family friction and arguments -or-
• sell up/at end of tenancy move a few miles to a cheaper area, lower cost of living and no overcrowding

In a crisis, you can sit and suffer in misery where you are or you can pack up and find a better place to live.

You are the problem

They need their own rooms. How is it going to work when she's 17 and he's 12? Very unfair on both of them.

Look for another house or give them the biggest bedroom with a divider.

Keep telling yourself that duck

I didn’t say or imply it was a worse situation than most deprived people 🤨

Try reading my posts. I said her situation is classified as overcrowding and families on the breadline are entitled to housing costs to include separate bedrooms for opposite sex children when the eldest is age 10.

The fact that we have a social housing crisis and many families are not getting what they are entitled to and are living in overcrowded situations is a completely seperate matter and should not be touted as some proof of acceptability of overcrowding.

Oh but it's so easy to just move!

If they did, the parent didn't have to apologise afterwards 🙄

That's ridiculous. Social Services are concerned (and hugely overworked) with whether children are being abused, not whether a perfectly safe child has her own little princess palace to listen to music without a set of iPods at night.

You said everything had settled down and DS was asleep until your sent him in to apologise. Sounds like your DD rules the roost and needs some boundaries.

I said it’s not that hard. There is no reason to reject the option of moving out of hand.

You actually caused the aggro sending your dp in to apologise for nothing.

Imo your dd and ds should have the bedrooms and you should have a pull out sofa in the living room. They're too old to share a bedroom, totally inappropriate for a teenage girl to share with an 8 year old boy.

Yeah that was messed up, the OP should never have told her DP to go in an apologise for nothing when it was all calm. She has completely undermined her DP to her DD.

You need to parent and stop allowing dd to ruke the roist and treat your husband as an adult. Yabvu.

Blimey, I'd give up while I could, if I were you chuck.

There isn't just a social housing crisis, there is a full blown CoL and housing crisis, renting and buying, social and private. If you can afford a house the size you need, there may not be the school places to support it.

Editted, as I think I was harsh in my original, and maybe you're unaware of how your tone is coming across

Some people are literally doing everything they possibly can just to get through the month, so if the OP is saying there's no option to move, it may be easier to just believe them

Mine did.But then they wouldn't ve allowed to behave like OP did.

Yes I know, I am living here too.
My suggestion is not “bilge”
It’s a valid option to consider moving to a cheaper area.
I don’t see how that makes people feel crap to know they are not trapped, that there is an option to move.

There is no reason to shit all over a perfectly reasonable suggestion that might work for the OP

If it was as easy as that, we wouldn’t have the issues this country has. If the OP is in social housing, there’s a shortage. I know a mum with 8 children in a 3 bedroom house. Of course it depends on the area, but on the whole, many families up and down the country are in similar situations.
Tune into the truth.

OP is saying there's no option to move, it may be easier to just believe them

I do believe the OP that it isn’t an option for her.

All this back and forth has been between posters who think it’s a ridiculous idea not worth suggesting in the first place although said far less politely than that.

Your comment makes no sense.
Ease or difficulty of movement is not correlated to whether a country is doing fantastic with no ongoing crises at all.

Look at Gaza. So easy to move…families are moving their tents miles and miles away almost daily and it’s a war zone.

It's really hard if you don't have the money

If you'd noticed, I'd amended my post in case I'd misread your intentions.

And where do you suggest the people in the cheaper areas move to, when they're skint or living in over crowded accommodation? Or should they take up tents?

You are the problem here, i know you won't like but you are. Why the hell should your husband apologise for chastising his badly behaved daughter ? Who died and made you the boss. Your daughter knows she can get away with appalling behaviour and mummy will support her. You are the issue.