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Original poster

Snooping through husbands laptop

130 replies

Piper194 · 13/08/2024 19:51

My husband left his lap top open and I went through his iMessages. I found messages to another woman from 18 months ago. With a little bit of research I worked out he was on a stag do at the time. He had deleted the messages from his phone but they remained on his computer.

The messages are trying to set his friend up with this girl, loosely arranging to meet up the following day. I can see she has replied to him early hours of the same night out asking where they all ended up but he didn’t reply to that.

We have since got married and had another baby after months of fertility treatment. Hes a decent man, a good dad and I thought a trustworthy husband. I thought life was good but my bubble has been burst. I am aware my hormones are a bit bonkers at the moment being post partum but I am still so very upset that he would hand his number out to a random girl on a night out. I scrolled back over my text messages and saw that at the time he was messaging her he had not replied to me (I keep all messages)

I’m so upset that a boundary has been over stepped but he is saying I am overreacting.
I don’t want to throw my marriage away but I’m just gutted 😞

OP posts:
Waggytail · 13/08/2024 19:57

He was messaging her to meet up with his friend, not himself? What's the problem here?

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:00

Did any of the messages imply he'd like to hook up with her or her pal?

If not it sounds like he was just trying to set up his pal with her. It failed. He deleted the messages. I don't see any problems with that.

LaraThot · 13/08/2024 20:07

He did nothing wrong by you. I get the whole dont like him texting a random woman but it was only to get his mate set up by the sounds of it. It's could be argued it's less of a sin than going through someones messages behind their back.

5128gap · 13/08/2024 20:09

Waggytail · 13/08/2024 19:57

He was messaging her to meet up with his friend, not himself? What's the problem here?

The problem is that when out of sight of the OP this decent responsible presenting husband and father regressed to the level of an immature single guy. Messaging random women in the early hours while not bothering to message his wife, arranging meet ups with women 'setting up' his mate like a teenager. Basically acting like someone else. And that's the things OP knows about. When a person reveals a totally different type of behaviour than you expect from them, it's natural to start worrying what else they might get up to.

Original poster
Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:15

5128gap · 13/08/2024 20:09

The problem is that when out of sight of the OP this decent responsible presenting husband and father regressed to the level of an immature single guy. Messaging random women in the early hours while not bothering to message his wife, arranging meet ups with women 'setting up' his mate like a teenager. Basically acting like someone else. And that's the things OP knows about. When a person reveals a totally different type of behaviour than you expect from them, it's natural to start worrying what else they might get up to.

Show quote history

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you. He’s always been such a ‘decent’ guy- the good guy of his friendship group And now I’m thinking of all the weekends he’s been away with his mates who are like a pack of wild animals and why he felt compelled to step in and match make his friend like he was 19? Did he like her too and was hoping that she would say something to him? I messaged the number and she just said sorry I can’t remember. It was months ago so I guess it might be hard to recall but I just can’t get my head around why out of a group of men- he was the one who offered his number out. I would have walked away

OP posts:
blackfriday1 · 13/08/2024 20:17

I once (regrettably) threw a wobbler at DH because he'd had a sequence of messages with a female colleague one evening to tell her their team takeaway had arrived at the office and to come down from the room she was working in upstairs to get some food. I still cringe about it but I was tired and hormonal with a young baby at the time too. I can empathise with your feelings entirely but kindly OP, I think you're overreacting here. Whilst maybe unwise to swap numbers, his intentions seem very innocent and he hasn't betrayed you at all.

Original poster
Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:18

blackfriday1 · 13/08/2024 20:17

I once (regrettably) threw a wobbler at DH because he'd had a sequence of messages with a female colleague one evening to tell her their team takeaway had arrived at the office and to come down from the room she was working in upstairs to get some food. I still cringe about it but I was tired and hormonal with a young baby at the time too. I can empathise with your feelings entirely but kindly OP, I think you're overreacting here. Whilst maybe unwise to swap numbers, his intentions seem very innocent and he hasn't betrayed you at all.

Thank you. This is nicely put xx

OP posts:
kalokagathos · 13/08/2024 20:21

To me nothing has happened at all. So what he was setting his friend up?

LaraThot · 13/08/2024 20:26

All you're learning is that lads away on a stag do are going to act like lads away on a stag do. He didn't do anything wrong, there are many who would have. Nobody, not even your local vicar is 100% squeaky clean butter wouldnt melt.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/08/2024 20:27

‘A person is judged by the company they keep’, as the old saying goes. Why is he going around with friends who are like ‘a pack of wild animals’? Seriously, I’d be mightily put off by this.

5128gap · 13/08/2024 20:28

Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:15

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you. He’s always been such a ‘decent’ guy- the good guy of his friendship group And now I’m thinking of all the weekends he’s been away with his mates who are like a pack of wild animals and why he felt compelled to step in and match make his friend like he was 19? Did he like her too and was hoping that she would say something to him? I messaged the number and she just said sorry I can’t remember. It was months ago so I guess it might be hard to recall but I just can’t get my head around why out of a group of men- he was the one who offered his number out. I would have walked away

Show quote history

I think if his friends are that type, and he enjoys their company, its probably safe to assume that he's got a fair bit of that in him too. He hasn't shown this side to you, because he knows it doesn't go down well and now it's a surprise to learn he has at least a peripheral role.
However, that doesn't mean he won't be respecting some boundaries. He may well go along to a point, chatting with women but not crossing the line. Lots of men are like this.
I think all you can do is sit with what you've learned and readjust your image of him to include this other side. Decide if that's all it amounts to, can you be ok with that? Can you trust him to respect your relationship? No one ever gets a 100% guarantee, it's about finding a level of risk you can live with.

HangingOnJustAbout · 13/08/2024 20:32

Maybe the friend was hassling your DH to text her?

HangingOnJustAbout · 13/08/2024 20:32

And wtf are you doing going through his laptop? He should leave you for that.

LonelyInDville · 13/08/2024 20:35

I think I would be a bit disappointed in my DP as well, mainly because he didn't tell me about it. To me it's something I would share with my DP as a "funny story" or something.

Disillusionedwithlife · 13/08/2024 20:46

Well I agree with pp who say if that's the type of friendship group he has then that is what he is like too.

I also don't understand why he was setting his mate up. If his mate wanted to get off with this female why wasn't he doing it himself? I would be wondering if your DH already had some one lined up and he was arranging a foursome. Why else is he getting involved?

I certainly wouldn't be happy about what this has revealed about what they get up to on their trips away. Are some of these friends in relationships or are they all single apart from.your DH?

Namechanger385u4p · 13/08/2024 20:51

I think it's fine to set people up, esp if your friend is nervous and needs some back up. On my hen do i slept on some random stag do apartment sofa as my friend really wanted to have sex with a guy but i didnt want her to go alone with her new acquaintance.

My DH also set another friend up with her now hubby when he met him on a night out.

Im not at all a "cool wife" but i couldnt get worked up about this.

Original poster
Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:52

Disillusionedwithlife · 13/08/2024 20:46

Well I agree with pp who say if that's the type of friendship group he has then that is what he is like too.

I also don't understand why he was setting his mate up. If his mate wanted to get off with this female why wasn't he doing it himself? I would be wondering if your DH already had some one lined up and he was arranging a foursome. Why else is he getting involved?

I certainly wouldn't be happy about what this has revealed about what they get up to on their trips away. Are some of these friends in relationships or are they all single apart from.your DH?

Edited

All in relationships. And this is why he apparently didn’t tell me. Because he was ‘setting up a mate who already had a girlfriend’ and he didn’t want me to think bad of them both

OP posts:
Original poster
Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:53

Namechanger385u4p · 13/08/2024 20:51

I think it's fine to set people up, esp if your friend is nervous and needs some back up. On my hen do i slept on some random stag do apartment sofa as my friend really wanted to have sex with a guy but i didnt want her to go alone with her new acquaintance.

My DH also set another friend up with her now hubby when he met him on a night out.

Im not at all a "cool wife" but i couldnt get worked up about this.

The guy he told me he was setting up does not need a helping hand. Full of confidence and a very good looking man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:54

LonelyInDville · 13/08/2024 20:35

I think I would be a bit disappointed in my DP as well, mainly because he didn't tell me about it. To me it's something I would share with my DP as a "funny story" or something.

He didn’t tell me because the guy he was setting up was also in a relationship

OP posts:
wizzywig · 13/08/2024 20:56

Eh? It's now dodgy to set your friend up with someone? Since when? Isn't that how some people meet through "hey I know someone who you'd get on well with?" And then I saw the update. OP was it in your opening post that the bloke was already in a relationship? Yeah I'd be thinking that your partner is the cheater equivalent of a feeder: he wants to be with someone else, but he can't and so he encourages others to be unfaithful

5128gap · 13/08/2024 21:01

OK. So your partner will go out of his way to aid and abet his mate to cheat on his girlfriend? That puts a different slant on it OP. I'm sorry, but if that's his attitude and level of respect for women and fir fidelity, he's not a good guy.

acpk55 · 13/08/2024 21:14

So just randomly decided to go through his messages & them you claim he has overstepped a boundary?

in his shoes I’d be just as angry with you tbh

Mumoftwo1316 · 13/08/2024 21:19

I'd also be a bit weirded out by this because it would be so out of character for my dh. So bold.

But I'd never think of messaging the woman! I can't believe you did that, op, what could you think of to say?!

I think you've overstepped a bit. She's not the OW and your dh didn't have an affair. You'd had no real reason to msg her

78Summer · 13/08/2024 21:23

It was to meet up with his friend so I would not worry. And best not to read a partner’s messages unless you have other red flags. Things can be read out of context.

HangingOnJustAbout · 13/08/2024 21:28

I can't believe all these people passing judgement on what your DH may or may not have done completely glossing over the massive betrayal of confidence that YOU HAVE DONE by going through his laptop.

If you confront him with this very megre possibility of bad behaviour and he goes off on one about you going through his laptop is he going to be accused of deflecting too?