Snooping through husbands laptop

[Piper194]

My husband left his lap top open and I went through his iMessages. I found messages to another woman from 18 months ago. With a little bit of research I worked out he was on a stag do at the time. He had deleted the messages from his phone but they remained on his computer.

The messages are trying to set his friend up with this girl, loosely arranging to meet up the following day. I can see she has replied to him early hours of the same night out asking where they all ended up but he didn’t reply to that.

We have since got married and had another baby after months of fertility treatment. Hes a decent man, a good dad and I thought a trustworthy husband. I thought life was good but my bubble has been burst. I am aware my hormones are a bit bonkers at the moment being post partum but I am still so very upset that he would hand his number out to a random girl on a night out. I scrolled back over my text messages and saw that at the time he was messaging her he had not replied to me (I keep all messages)

I’m so upset that a boundary has been over stepped but he is saying I am overreacting.
I don’t want to throw my marriage away but I’m just gutted 😞

If I was your DH I would leave you over this.

Not only are you snooping in his private messages, you are accusing him of all sorts even though it seems he’s done nothing wrong and messaging his friends.

I set my friends up literally just last week.
They’re both gorgeous, lovely people and confident in other aspects of life.
I believe they would make a good couple so I helped them out a bit.

Half the men I’ve dated have been through friends setting us up.
Its a nice way to meet someone, because you can find out a bit about them before agreeing to a date.
I usually trust my friends judgement too.

You actually say The messages are trying to set his friend up with this girl, so what is your problem?

OMG I have just read more of this, clearly you don’t trust your partner for whatever reason so you are snooping on him and messaging random people to see why he has spoken with them, you sound like you want a way out of the relationship and now you have found something you can use.

It all sounds a bit unhinged

Even though you shouldn't have been snooping, I do feel on this occasion, it can be forgiven. I woukd be extremely concerned if my partner was trying to set up his friend who was already in a relationship. Does that not speak volumes about who he is as a person? Does that mean he doesn't see cheating as a big deal? I don't know, OP, I'd have to straight up ask him if he thinks cheating is acceptable. If he says no, question why he was trying to set up his friend. The whole situation is a bit off..

My concern would be why he thought it was ok to set up a married friend ?
if a married friend is having an affair a lot of men wouldn’t say anything but not get involved but to get them together !!!!!
sorry I know it’s reassurance you really need but i don’t think your over reacting

The thing is, if this bloke messages a girl his mate fancies because he is in a relationship and doesn't want to get caught, how do we know his mate doesn't do the same for him? After all if their partner finds the incriminating messages they aren't for them they're for their mate. Win win.

Do your friends usually try and set you up with someone they already know is in a relationship?!

Why were you snooping? I’d be furious with you.

I understand you’re upset OP, and I can kind of see why (although I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what happened), but in all honesty please take care of your own mental health. Paranoia, snooping and hysteria are worrisome symptoms.

Going through his laptop at the first opportunity, getting upset because he spoke to another woman*, and actually messaging the other woman are signs that all is not well with you. They’re not signs of normal behaviour. I don’t suggest you tell him any of this because he would have every right to be angry with you.

It was a stag do. Did you expect them all to sit around and play monopoly or something? Stag do’s attract attention, clearly this woman and his mate took a shine to each other.

He’s done nothing wrong?

*he wasn’t flirting with her. He was trying to set her up with a mate, who couldn’t do it himself because as you say, he’s already got a girlfriend and he wouldn’t want HER seeing the messages. Seeing as it was platonic on your husbands part it was safer for him to message her. Whether he should be setting up an attached man or not is by the by.

I find it strange that other people say your husband hasn’t done anything wrong he hasn’t cheated but if he can set a marriage mate up it’s bound to make you worried or at least to be very uncomfortable about it .

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but..

1. maybe he deleted the messages because they were unimportant and just forgot they were on hols laptop because again, they are unimportant.

2. the arranging to meet up was for his friend as you say, so what exactly is the issue?

3. you went back 18 months? Why? You were looking for something, clearly but in sorry from just the information you have provided there was nothing to be found that shows he did anything wrong.

4.) you say a boundary has been crossed, you're absolutely right. YOU crossed it. You can't accuse him to crossing a boundary by trying to set his mate up with a woman this giving his number to someone to arrange said meet up while breaking a boundary to do so! If that's the
Case then you're both as bad as each other.

The fact he didn't respond to your text but messaged this woman again for his friend is abit annoying true but that's it.

You're being over dramatic. Your husband is right

The vicar is the last person I’d expect to be squeaky clean to be fair! Haha

Just ask him? It doesn't seem like a major crime, just silly and thoughtless, drink involved? Sure its all good enjoy your new baby xxxx

@Piper194 I've never had fertility treatment but I have friends who have said it's impacted their mental wellbeing so please look after yourself.

I don't think your husband has done anything wrong here, please don't get upset over him not replying to you, he was with his friends. You have access to his number, not his time.
Frankly he may not have wanted to message anyone but his pal may have been bugging him to text this woman etc to wingman him. It really isn't that deep.

Look after yourself OP, sounds like your husband is a nice guy, if that is all you found that's upset you, I'd not be worried at all.

You'll be grand soon, just ride through your emotions and remember he loves you and this wasn't anything dodgy, he just wanted to help a mate.
And fwiw, I'd have deleted those messages had I been DH purely because I'd have been cringing so much about my wingman tactics, not in a "I'm hiding" something way x

Anonymously post his pic in your local 'Are we dating the same guy' group on Facebook. I'm not gonna get drawn into a debate over whether you should've snooped tbh. I find the whole concept of private devices bizarre in long term relationships. DH uses my phone and I use his, any time for any reason, because I fired his offspring out of my vagina, I've seen him take a shit, and we've jointly slept in puke covered sheets. Feels a bit redundant to be getting prissy over devices at this point. Abandon all dignity ye who reproduce, and all that.

Anywho

The things that are concerning me:

• the fact that the guy he tried setting up is married.
• the group pic: I presume you were alerted because the men kissing in the pic are also married?
• the event that piqued your suspicions in the first place.

Something is making me think another commenter on the thread might be right suggesting they're doing the dirty work for each other so nobody gets caught with evidence on their phones. It's a very clever, bloody diabolical system if that's what they're doing.

So, yeah. Post his pic anon and see if anyone knows anything you don't. If you ask him he's just gonna deny it and you'll never know. Yeah, you could leave him on the merit of suspicion, but maybe he's actually done nothing wrong and it all just looks suspicious. There's very black and white thinking around trust that I don't think is always helpful. You clearly trusted him until something rocked your confidence otherwise you wouldn't be saying 'I feel like I don't know him'. It's completely alien to anything you've felt thus far. Something has triggered that change and that can happen to anyone for any reason. Trouble is, if he is a dirty dog, he's not gonna level with you and tell you that. Just bite the bullet and get the info you need to put this to bed.

Thank you so much. This is the kindest response on here. My mental health has definitely been affected by the fertility treatment, pregnancy and post partum. Thanks for reminding me to take a step back and consider what I have endured.
xx

I'm sure he's thrilled at having someone snoop through his laptop, when men have allegedly done this with their partner's private property there have been comments of how abusive that is, disrespecting their property!

Hmm I suspect they "set up a mate" for each other so there is never any evidence of their own infidelities on their own phones.

He supports cheating and actively encourages it. That says enough.

Man's perspective here:

I let my wife use my laptop whenever she wants, there is nothing to hide and I wouldn't be furious if she went through the messages, but I would be disappointed if she'd gone back through 18 months of messages to try to find something. That being said, I'm concious that when she was pregnant/just post pregnant, her senses would have been heightened. Doesn't sound like your DH complained about you looking through his laptop, so maybe he did too.

If she ever went through my laptop, she'd have found tens, if not hundreds of messages to other women. That's because I'm a travel agent and 80% of my clients are women - women tend to be the people who book holidays in my experience. Very occasionally, I would get a message from someone who I'd given my number to in a pub/on a night out. I would often small talk before identifying whether someone was really interested in a holiday, and I'd have shut it down if it looked like it was anything else (unfortunately, just like women, men who are willing to chat do get inappropriate messages from women quite regularly).

Some of my friends would cheat, most, including my close friends, don't (this goes for my women friends as well as men). On a stag do, there's likely to be a bit more bravado which might lead to questionable behaviour but at the same time as someone going on a stag do, you are unlikely to know everyone, so it's extremely unfair to tar everyone on that do with the same brush. Unless the stag do's I've been on are very different, most involve too much alcohol, superficial conversation and certainly it would be beyond the bounds of most men in normal life, let alone a stag do, to have a "cheating ring" where everyone else messaged a different woman to hook up with there friends. That's just not realistic and how men generally act.

I don't think OP, your partner did much wrong. It was morally inappropriate for him to set up a mate with a partner, but I'd put it down to the stag do affecting his mind a little, similarly to how I wouldn't judge going through someone's laptop on the basis you've just had fertility treatment/a baby. Taking pictures on a stag do is normal, particularly if a friend is doing something daft. I certainly don't think it's close to justifying him 'not being the man you thought he was' after 12 years and 3 kids. From the thread it sounds on the whole like a decent guy and I would not overly judge him for it.

If you know he deleted the messages from his phone, does that mean you snooped through his phone too?

There’s so much insecurity (and a dash of paranoia) on this thread. A lot of people have a real, visceral problem with their partners having a good time or doing something without them. Only when it’s a man is it deemed “controlling”.

There’s a time and a place to behave a certain way. I would fully expect a man on a stag do to not behave in the same way as he would if he were picking his kids up from school.

All of this “he sounds very immature” and “he’s behaving like a single man without a family” and “they sound like wild animals” is crazy - he’s on a night out with his mates! I don’t know how often that happens but if you work full time and have a wife and three children at home, too fucking right he should be making the most of a chance to blow off some steam!

I know women who are always in “mum mode”. They have a child and suddenly become all mumsy, talk endlessly about their children’s teachers and dance classes and are total bores to be around when you’re trying to have fun.

I also know plenty of women who behave like 16 year olds after a couple of glasses of Prosecco.

From your description of your partner, it doesn’t sound like you married the town librarian. 12 years is long enough to know what someone is like.

Thank you that’s very helpful.
he too is self employed and there were hundreds of messages from different women enquiring about business. They are totally fine, it’s the other messages I found very upsetting.

I feel the only boundary that has been crossed is you going through his messages and finding a message from 18 months ago of him trying to hook up his friend.
It does sound like you’re looking for excuses to possibly end the relationship as finding messages of trying to set his friend up and saying he crossed a boundary is crazy.
you crossed the boundary not him.

Thats a compassionate measured response.

I think your perspective is a little distorted. Your DH has not betrayed you, but you have betrayed HIM by going through his messages. You owe him an apology OP.

You sat there and went through his messages for seemingly no reason other than it was left open , you then messaged the woman YOU have issues that you need to address before you destroy your marriage with your insecurity .

You the AH.
Husband did nothing wrong and you will push him away if you continue with this behaviour.