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Original poster

Snooping through husbands laptop

130 replies

Piper194 · 13/08/2024 19:51

My husband left his lap top open and I went through his iMessages. I found messages to another woman from 18 months ago. With a little bit of research I worked out he was on a stag do at the time. He had deleted the messages from his phone but they remained on his computer.

The messages are trying to set his friend up with this girl, loosely arranging to meet up the following day. I can see she has replied to him early hours of the same night out asking where they all ended up but he didn’t reply to that.

We have since got married and had another baby after months of fertility treatment. Hes a decent man, a good dad and I thought a trustworthy husband. I thought life was good but my bubble has been burst. I am aware my hormones are a bit bonkers at the moment being post partum but I am still so very upset that he would hand his number out to a random girl on a night out. I scrolled back over my text messages and saw that at the time he was messaging her he had not replied to me (I keep all messages)

I’m so upset that a boundary has been over stepped but he is saying I am overreacting.
I don’t want to throw my marriage away but I’m just gutted 😞

OP posts:
Malcorange · 14/08/2024 12:11

his mates wife contacted me to say she had found 2 pictures of his mates with other women. One of them kissing someone. My suspicions were heightened.
I had every reason to snoop and I would do it again

was the mate in the kissing picture your husband? if not, why is your husband not allowed to take part in group photos? You’re not coming off well here OP

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/08/2024 12:13

Well said, @Malcorange

Privacy is more important than sexual fidelity as far as I am concerned. We still are autonomous beings even in a relationship.

The end doesn't justify the means.

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/08/2024 12:15

KaleQueen · 14/08/2024 11:46

So if you’ve got suspicions that your OH is cheating or….in this case….his mates might be leading him astray on nights out. You must just simply ask him. He says ‘no of course not darling’ …so you say ‘I know this an invasion of privacy darling but do you mind if I allay my paranoid, insecure, silly little brain and just have a peek at your phone to reassure myself’ and he says ‘no darling you may not as that’s an invasion of privacy you must just ignore your own instincts and take my word for it’
and you say ‘okay if you say so darling as trust is so important and it’s much more important that I trust your words than my own instincts’
That sounds like a good plan.
And if you insist on doubting his word and looking anyway to put your mind at rest, he’s perfectly entitled to end the relationship right there and then because you have violated his ‘human rights’
i didnt realise it was so simple!

edited to add: I once had suspicions about my OH. I looked and there were messages that were veering towards an EA. I asked him about it and he wasn’t bothered that I looked at his phone but he was VERY defensive about this other person. I knew there and then that my instincts were correct (together 15 years) and it got nipped in the bud before it went any further. ‘Snooping’ was exactly the right thing to do on that occasion. Many men (not ALL but MANY) will do allsorts if they think they’ll get away with it. If you’ve got a wife/partner who’s on the ball, can sniff it a mile off, will calmly gather evidence, and will hold you to account, you’re much less likely to risk it imo.

Edited

If you need proof, there is no trust.
If there’s no trust the relationship is dead in the water. It’s just a husk.

How tragic and sad to live like that needing proof from a partner.
But I guess you’re good with limping on through it and clinging on.
Hugs, flowers emoji etc x

hottubjacuzzi · 14/08/2024 12:16

What a thread!

KaleQueen · 14/08/2024 13:16

alwaysmovingforwards · 14/08/2024 12:15

If you need proof, there is no trust.
If there’s no trust the relationship is dead in the water. It’s just a husk.

How tragic and sad to live like that needing proof from a partner.
But I guess you’re good with limping on through it and clinging on.
Hugs, flowers emoji etc x

Show quote history

I honestly can’t get my head around why people turn so snipey on here. You know bugger all about me except what I just shared about a blip in a long marriage between two fallible humans.

so, sorry to disappoint you but I’m not ‘limping on’ in any sense, thanks. We’re actually much stronger now.

But I’m glad I looked when I did as it confirmed my instincts.

Hugs for you though hun you clearly need them, flowers etc etc etc back to you 😀

betterangels · 14/08/2024 13:25

Malcorange · 14/08/2024 12:08

Absolutely this. Some people seem to think being married overrides an individual’s right to privacy. It’s a legal contract, not an ownership document

Show quote history

Quite.

KaleQueen · 14/08/2024 13:30

5128gap · 14/08/2024 12:04

'DH, I suspect that when you're out with the lads you stay up all hours messaging random women to set your mates up to cheat, or perhaps similar boundary breaching behaviour. Can we have an adult conversation about whether I'm right?'
' Of course darling. Now you've asked me in an adulty way, I will be completely open and transparent and tell you everything ive ever done that i would otherwise have hidden from you. So glad we can be adult about this.'

Show quote history

‘So, you know that stag do I was on….i got xx (you know the one with the partner) hooked up with a random. I gave her my number, then deleted the texts before I came home to you because I had nothing to hide’
’oh thanks for being so honest darling trust is so important and I trust you so much more now. What would you like for dinner?’
Edited for multiple typos!

KaleQueen · 14/08/2024 13:36

betterangels · 14/08/2024 13:25

Quite.

Show quote history

Some believe being married means you don’t expect your husband to give his number out to other women on nights out.

acpk55 · 14/08/2024 14:03

KhakiShaker · 14/08/2024 11:59

Lord above. How about a little thing called communication?!

If you still have no trust in your partner after having an adult discussion with them, then you reevaluate staying in the relationship. Really not sure why you think snooping is the first course of action.

Show quote history

Yep 5128gap is a broken record who cannot see beyond the end of their nose

5128gap · 14/08/2024 14:05

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/08/2024 12:13

Well said, @Malcorange

Privacy is more important than sexual fidelity as far as I am concerned. We still are autonomous beings even in a relationship.

The end doesn't justify the means.

Your partners privacy is more important to you than their sexual fidelity? Blimey. If you're not into open relationships, then I hope you don't shout about that. You'll have every cheating wrong un in town queueing round the block.

5128gap · 14/08/2024 14:12

Bobbotgegrinch · 14/08/2024 11:23

I trust my partner to not cheat on me (by which I mean kiss or go further than that with someone other than me, or have an emotional affair).

I trust them not to intentionally hurt me physically, financially, or emotionally.

I trust them to care for our child.

As long as she's doing those things, she has my trust. She can talk to who she wants, save whoever she wants phone number in her phone, message who she wants. If she wants to set up her married friend, she can go nuts. It doesn't affect my relationship with her, it's nothing to do with me. And given that I don't police her communications, I'll likely never even know about it, so how could I possibly care!

Show quote history

Ah well. It's a pity the OPs husband isn't married to you then, rather than to a woman who wants a partner of decent character.

sadabouti · 14/08/2024 14:29

OP, you're DH may have been a bit of a plonker trying to play matchmaker for a friend while on a stag do, but if I've understood this, you're disappointed by that as it's immature; but don't think he is unfaithful or was trying to cheat. If that's right, just tell him that you don't like it and ask him not to do it again. His mate can meet women without his help. But best not to conflate this with cheating, which it isn't.

I haven't read all the posts though so could be woefully misinformed about what happened on the stag do.

notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 14:46

5128gap · 14/08/2024 07:24

The 'victim' is the OP as she is married to a man who is not what he seems. He has misrepresented himself to OP as a decent man, while behind her back is indulging in extremely shabby behaviour that gives a clear indication of his real levels of respect for women and for fidelity. No decent man encourages and facilitates another man's cheating one night stand, do they? His weird almost voyeuristic involvement and disrespect for the mans partner speaks very badly of his character. Just as your bizarre rush to defend him speaks very badly of yours.

Show quote history

honestly 90% of men would do this for their friend. at least.

and in many cases it would be because they'd love to do the same thing themselves but don't dare, so they're living through their friend. all the drama and zero consequences.

notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 14:49

5128gap · 14/08/2024 14:05

Your partners privacy is more important to you than their sexual fidelity? Blimey. If you're not into open relationships, then I hope you don't shout about that. You'll have every cheating wrong un in town queueing round the block.

Show quote history

it's two sides of the same coin, you don't trust your partner or you shouldn't trust your partner (or both).

if you're the one invading their privacy then you're not a good person to be in a relationship with either.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/08/2024 15:17

notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 14:49

it's two sides of the same coin, you don't trust your partner or you shouldn't trust your partner (or both).

if you're the one invading their privacy then you're not a good person to be in a relationship with either.

Show quote history

Exactly. Her husband clearly can't trust her.

5128gap · 14/08/2024 15:31

notanotheronenow · 14/08/2024 14:49

it's two sides of the same coin, you don't trust your partner or you shouldn't trust your partner (or both).

if you're the one invading their privacy then you're not a good person to be in a relationship with either.

Show quote history

If you invade your partners privacy without any cause to be suspicious and then continue to do so repeatedly, despite finding no evidence of wrong doing, you are not a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you suspect you are being lied to, misled or cheated on, you may be a good person who is unfortunately not in a relationship with a good person, and you deserve to know that. Unfortunately there is no other reliable way to know that other than to check. Invading someone's privacy is obviously not ideal, but as a one off with grounds to be suspicious, is the lesser of two evils than sitting trustingly at home being made a fool of.

ItsTheGAGGGGGGGG · 14/08/2024 15:34

He left his laptop open so you decided to go through his messages for no real reason? Weird. Can’t see what he did wrong tbh

acpk55 · 14/08/2024 15:39

5128gap · 14/08/2024 15:31

If you invade your partners privacy without any cause to be suspicious and then continue to do so repeatedly, despite finding no evidence of wrong doing, you are not a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you suspect you are being lied to, misled or cheated on, you may be a good person who is unfortunately not in a relationship with a good person, and you deserve to know that. Unfortunately there is no other reliable way to know that other than to check. Invading someone's privacy is obviously not ideal, but as a one off with grounds to be suspicious, is the lesser of two evils than sitting trustingly at home being made a fool of.

Show quote history

The OP stated

I had every reason to snoop and I would do it again

based on your own comments the OP is not a good person to be in a relationship with,

5128gap · 14/08/2024 16:02

acpk55 · 14/08/2024 15:39

The OP stated

I had every reason to snoop and I would do it again

based on your own comments the OP is not a good person to be in a relationship with,

Show quote history

Not quite. Have another read of my first paragraph. Can you spot the bit that doesn't apply to the OP? (Hint: its the bit where I say "despite finding no evidence of wrong doing")

Molop · 14/08/2024 16:12

I think some men paint a picture of themselves to their partner of their mates all being little rogues who would get up to anything but of them being a pillar of the community and nothing like their mates at all. It often works as women like to see their partner in that way and when they find out that actually their partner is no different really and is involved in those shenanigans albeit at a distance, it is hard to comprehend.

Men are little tinkers when they get together in big groups and get involved in stuff they wouldn’t dream of at home.

in this case though I find him not guilty of anything marriage breaking but guilty of not being quite as squeaky clean as he portrays.

InsensibleMe · 17/08/2024 07:35

Wow. What a scumbag. Time to LTB.

Bournetilly · 17/08/2024 07:49

You were definitely unreasonable to message her. She probably didn’t even know he had a wife and nothing happened between them or was going to happen.

DrinkElephants · 17/08/2024 08:09

HangingOnJustAbout · 13/08/2024 21:28

I can't believe all these people passing judgement on what your DH may or may not have done completely glossing over the massive betrayal of confidence that YOU HAVE DONE by going through his laptop.

If you confront him with this very megre possibility of bad behaviour and he goes off on one about you going through his laptop is he going to be accused of deflecting too?

This. Tbh I think your behaviour snooping is worse.

Bibbiddiebopbiddiedooyeah · 17/08/2024 08:15

Piper194 · 13/08/2024 21:29

I just asked her why she had been messaging my husband. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Show quote history

This is worrying behaviour imo. You need to calm down. Your questions should be aimed at your husband - not some stranger who may not even be aware that he was someone’s husband.

K37529 · 17/08/2024 08:24

Piper194 · 13/08/2024 20:54

He didn’t tell me because the guy he was setting up was also in a relationship

Show quote history

Trying to set up another man with someone who is already in a relationship would bother me too. If he was single I wouldn’t have cared. There’s obviously trust issues if you are going through his laptop, do you suspect he is cheating?

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