Snooping through husbands laptop

[Piper194]

My husband left his lap top open and I went through his iMessages. I found messages to another woman from 18 months ago. With a little bit of research I worked out he was on a stag do at the time. He had deleted the messages from his phone but they remained on his computer.

The messages are trying to set his friend up with this girl, loosely arranging to meet up the following day. I can see she has replied to him early hours of the same night out asking where they all ended up but he didn’t reply to that.

We have since got married and had another baby after months of fertility treatment. Hes a decent man, a good dad and I thought a trustworthy husband. I thought life was good but my bubble has been burst. I am aware my hormones are a bit bonkers at the moment being post partum but I am still so very upset that he would hand his number out to a random girl on a night out. I scrolled back over my text messages and saw that at the time he was messaging her he had not replied to me (I keep all messages)

I’m so upset that a boundary has been over stepped but he is saying I am overreacting.
I don’t want to throw my marriage away but I’m just gutted 😞

I just asked her why she had been messaging my husband. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Are you serious? She's an adult with a phone, she can message anyone she wants to.

Of course she can. I was polite and so was she.

he was ‘setting up a mate who already had a girlfriend’

Your DH and his mates have got it sussed, haven't they!?

Setting each other up with women.

When the wives/girlfriends find the messages, their partners appear to have done nothing wrong - "I was setting Dave up, that's all"

I'm sure you would. It's a fairly well used tactic when you've been caught out doing something wrong. Make a big song and dance about the lesser offence of your partner to divert attention from your own behaviour. The guy has gone out of his way to help another man cheat on his partner. You really think he's in a position to get on his high horse about the OP looking at his laptop?

Eeek I’d do what your husband has done… and have. I just don’t see what is wrong.

the biggest issue is the secrecy but in my relationship we’d have to tell each other this sort of thing as we relay small details of events etc

As is the OP. And she chose to message the woman. So what's your problem?

So who is the victim here, it’s not the OP but you are defending her to the hilt and encouraging her to end her marriage

I hope for her sake that she is whiter than driven snow and completely innocent of any sin and there are no texts or messages or emails or conversations that she may have had or anything she may have ever done at any point in her life the she doesn’t want her husband to know about, just in case he decides to divorce her about something in rhe past that has no bearing on him , as that’s what you are trying to do here

This would make me feel weird, too. I’d be doubting all aspects of this ‘explanation’ like why was your husband texting her, not his friend???

And where was his moral compass if this friend is in a relationship?

I can’t think of a single time ever in my adult life when I’ve been out, fancied someone, so sent my FRIEND over to give that person HER number so SHE could text him to set us up.

come on. Really?

All just weird and convenient. I’d be furious that not only has he done that, then deleted messages. He’s now taking you for a fool with this nonsense of an explanation.

This is mumsnet. Snooping is only bad when it’s a man doing it. When it’s a woman it’s fine (even when like in this case she finds nothing of note).

I can't believe posters who think OP looking at her DH's laptop is a bigger crime than her DH cheating on her. And unfortunately there is a very real possibility that he has, given what OP has discovered.
Why do certain posters always try and throw the blame back on to the discoverer rather than the partner who has cheated?

He’s not cheated. He’s done nothing more than one poster on this thread said she’s done and would do.

why make up stuff?

You clearly don't trust him anyway, hence you going through his private messages behind his back.

And texting the woman further proves it (not that further proof of your lack of trust was needed).

So what are you going to do OP?

Come clean and discuss it with him?

Are you posting on the right thread?

Where has the OP said he cheated?

Sorry? How do you know he's not cheated? He was messaging another woman. Arranging a meet up for his friend? These are men in relationships on a stag do arranging hook ups with women. I don't see that as innocent even if you do. I don't know for definite he has cheated and you cannot know for definite he hasn't. But it is not behaviour that smacks of fidelity and loyalty to me.

OP has said he was messaging another woman.
She has not said he has cheated as such but he has shown he is not the person she thought he was and his behaviour is not that of a person who values fidelity. At the very least he was enabling and condoning his friends cheating. So he is obviously OK with cheating.

If you really thought he was decent & trustworthy etc then why did you snoop through his messages (back to 18 months ago?!) and then message this poor woman who from everything you have written has done nothing wrong? It seems incredibly controlling and possessive of you honestly.

He's done nothing wrong.

You, on the other hand have fucked up spectacularly. I'd leave someone who breached my privacy and nosed through my private communications like that.

Again hormones is not to be blamed when a person acts unreasonably it is not an excuse and you cross a massive boundary by snooping

You really only have yourself to blame

People saying he's done nothing wrong lol a grown married man setting up his mate with a women even though he's in a relationship too???

How did he even get her number?

Looking at laptop too confirms the trust is gone

His mates sound horrible as does your dh. Immature fks

Me too. It's a complete red line.

Huge red flags.

I could not be with someone who:

• went through my laptop
• saw these messages and decided I was in the wrong
• didn’t like the idea of me not telling them everything about my life (especially if I had done nothing wrong and had no reason to share it)
• messaged someone asking why they messaged me (when neither had been inappropriate)
• excused their behaviour with a late addition of ‘but the friend has a partner’. This was not your issue with the message in earlier posts so clearly wasn’t the reason you’re upset.
• judged me by the behaviour of my friends.
• judged my friends so sweepingly.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg and I would be looking to get out of the relationship.

Exactly, Op has behaved appalling and if this was a man it would be considered seriously controlling to have done what Op has done.

For looking through his laptop alone, he should leave.

The op has zero moral superiority.

The 'victim' is the OP as she is married to a man who is not what he seems. He has misrepresented himself to OP as a decent man, while behind her back is indulging in extremely shabby behaviour that gives a clear indication of his real levels of respect for women and for fidelity. No decent man encourages and facilitates another man's cheating one night stand, do they? His weird almost voyeuristic involvement and disrespect for the mans partner speaks very badly of his character. Just as your bizarre rush to defend him speaks very badly of yours.

The question is why did you feel the need to go through his laptop in the first place? Something has obviously triggered you. That should be your main concern - you don’t trust him.