Husband unkind messages

[Rainyday54321]

Hi. Long story short I've been in an abusive relationship for a long time but only recently realised the state of it. Back story - We had an unexpected expense last week and I'm meant to be visiting family next week. Kids had saved up their money to buy a tv and so today I paid their money in to the bank and got them the tv. Husband then sent me the following messages. I've been out all day as can't face coming home. Please tell me I'm not over reacting - I would never speak to anyone like he has. My heart breaks for my kids as we walk on eggshells all the time. Please someone who has gone through a bad relationship tell me that it will get better :-(

He's a complete and utter waste of organs.

You did the right thing OP, your kids saved for the TV and the money was theirs and NOT HIS........you put your kids first, which any good parent would do.

Be proud of yourself, you are strong and don't let him intimidate you.

He’s a nut case, and pig ignorant.
In your shoes I’d start gathering paperwork together, see a solicitor, confide in someone you are close to and make plans to leave asap.
Protect your dear children from this tedious bully.

Sounds like he's got some serious issues. Is money always a big concern for him? Is he stressed at work?!

Yes, it will get so so much better when you kick him out and live your life without this abusive piece of shit.
You and your kids deserve so much more than this
Find your roar and get rid 💐 xx

Is he stressed at work?

WTF? Is stress at work a free pass for a man to be an utter arsehole to his partner?

What’s your financial set up? Do you both work?

He sounds very stressed about money.

Has he just seen a sum of money come out of the bank for a TV, without realising that it’s the kids money?

What’s the story with you having just had a holiday last week and another one next week?

Not making excuses for him and his message is way out of order, he sounds like a prick. But there’s more back story to this than you’ve given.

Thanks for your kind words everyone xx

He always stresses about money and I stupidly agreed a few years ago to a joint account as I was in my overdraft which I couldn't shift Now all my wages go into the joint account and he has an alert on his phone everytime I spend money and I have to tell him what I've brought and why. For the last year none of his money has gone into the joint. His goes in his personal account. I have no access to any other money apart from the joint. He threatened to freeze the joint account yesterday and I've been too scared to spend any money today after his messages (when I didn't even spend money - it was the kids money!) My mum gave me £30 cash to put diesel in my car as it was on red. I'm living in a nightmare.

In terms of back story- we went away last week and had a home emergency so it cost more than expected. I'm meant to be visiting family next week so he considers that another holiday for me x

Can you change your wages so they go into your own personal account? He’s a total bastard and you need to leave him.

So much more info is required in order to form an opinion here.

Why two holidays?
Do you work or did he pay for these?
What was the unexpected bill for?
How much debt are you in?

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you.

LTB

@DeliciousApples

OP works - she pays her wages into the joint account.

You what? I don't care if he's a neurosurgeon in the middle of brain surgery, no job is stressful enough to explain or excuse the way he spoke to her.

He's a financially abusive dildo OP. Yes it will get better, when you leave him! Do it for your kids if you haven't the courage to do it for you 💐

Our posts crossed.

Sounds like he thinks you are bad with money and is trying to help you not spend it on shite you don't need?

If you're like my pal, she spends hundred every month on shite (usually jewellery she doesn't need) and wonders why she can never get out of debt.....um, stop buying jewellery.

The OP doesn't say HE spends from the joint account though?

Hence I wonder if he just oversees the OPs spending.

Christ almighty girl, he's a piece of work!

Have you thought that maybe you're better off without the twat?

Oh yeah, because your spouse overseeing every penny you spend is the pinnacle of a healthy marriage 🙄

opinion here.

Why two holidays? - family holiday then I'm going to Scotland to visit my relatives.

Do you work or did he pay for these? - we both work full time. We shared cost of family holiday. My dad has paid for my trip to Scotland as we are going together.

What was the unexpected bill for? Home emergency that required plumbers when we were abroad.

How much debt are you in? Zero.

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you - the emergency was unexpected and couldnt have been prevented or planned . We both paid half each for the holiday.

X

Get your money put in your own account.
You need to leave.
He’s an abuser.

I think there's probably a massive back story here.

It wouldn’t matter what the circumstances his language is disgusting and his attitude is not of someone in a relationship but of a boss to a minion.

OP, this is serious financial and emotional abuse, and all of the previous posters grilling you or trying to justify it are bonkers.

Go and open another account in your name only. Transfer only your half of bills into joint. I'd also be leaving him what a prick

@DeliciousApples excusing another persons abuse is a massive red flag for the kind of person you are, and you’ve let everyone here know exactly what kind of person you are.

Honestly, I've been in awful and abusive relationships (and a really shitty marriage) and those texts are worse than anything I have ever received.

I can see emotional abuse and financial abuse in your post so you might like to look at this page:

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

Could you phone or email refuge for advice?