Husband unkind messages

[Rainyday54321]

Hi. Long story short I've been in an abusive relationship for a long time but only recently realised the state of it. Back story - We had an unexpected expense last week and I'm meant to be visiting family next week. Kids had saved up their money to buy a tv and so today I paid their money in to the bank and got them the tv. Husband then sent me the following messages. I've been out all day as can't face coming home. Please tell me I'm not over reacting - I would never speak to anyone like he has. My heart breaks for my kids as we walk on eggshells all the time. Please someone who has gone through a bad relationship tell me that it will get better :-(

Your mum knows something is up. You don’t even have to tell her everything right away, just tell her you need help. Tell her you and the kids need to come and stay for a while.

Yes the language is plainly abusive and disrespectful.

The threat to freeze her account is also highly controlling. She works; she’s as entitled as him to take decisions and - guess what - if she wants to “waste” money, she can. He may get frustrated, he may decide to leave but he can’t actually force or compel another person how to spend their money.

There is only one person in this situation who should be feeling ashamed. And it certainly is not you. But making you ashamed is an effective way of keeping you in this relationship. He will have been setting you up for this for years.

Please talk to people now. Your mother. Your work. Anyone else you can who will not talk to him. It is vital that you get out. Speak to Womens Aid as soon as you can (but perhaps not on your own phone). I think not going home after your holiday is a good idea, and moving out beforehand if you can make up a reason that sounds believable.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. He is doing it because he is abusive. And it sounds like he is ramping up the abuse. Please be safe, I am sending you good thoughts.

Did you miss the bit where it's only OP's money in the joint account? He's squirrelling his own money away somewhere else and presumably merrily spending it as he wants.

Most work places should have a domestic violence policy. If you can't talk to your manager, reach out to HR. Let them know you are in a financially abusive relationship and need to change the account your pay goes in to. Cutoffs can be waived if there is a genuine reason to do so and HR could help with that.

How can you possibly conclude that OP might be bad with money from the information she has given. Or haven't you bothered to read her posts?

Fuck, I am so frightened for this OP.

He's the only one who should be ashamed. Reach out for help, OP.

Please go to a friend or family member nearby and report to the police. I feel sick reading what he is putting you through as it reminds me of the bad things that my ex husband did to me and the children, it took me few times to escape but I did and my daughter said only recently that each time I took him back she was really upset ( which she kept to herself).

Explain to the wages clerk at work you can tell your ( soon to be hopefully) ex they are changing how they pay wages to monthly and it might be 5 weeks as it new. You know you need to leave him for your and your children’s safety and mental well being.

Do not cover up for him let people see the kind of person he is.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You can overcome this.

Please report him to the police. Even if they wont charge him they will have a record.

Talk to your work, explain you are in abusive situation and they need to help you to safeguard your wage.

Speak to a DV/ Woman's Aid charity available in your area for advice.

Move out and stay with your family.

If possible, speak to a good family solicitor to get the idea on what you can do to protect yourself and kids legally.

Please stay safe.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.
If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.
Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.
While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:

Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.
50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.
Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)
Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better of you will be.
When you leave an abuser, the most important thing is your life and safety as well as your children’s. If you are able to plan ahead, it will help you to have important information with you, in addition to money, clothing, medicine, and other basic items.
Even if you are not sure you want to or are ready to leave, go ahead and make copies of as many of the following documents as you can, or secure them in a safe place outside of the home:

• Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children

• Health insurance cards for you and your children
• Financial records, including recent bank statements and stocks or mutual fund records
• Housing documents, such as rental agreements, mortgage statements, or the title or deed
• Your most recent credit report (you can request one for free(link is external))
• The title or lease paperwork for your car
• Statements for any retirement plans
• The past two years’ tax returns
• A written copy of phone numbers or important addresses in case you cannot get to your cellphone or address book

Many of these records are available online, so try to keep access to these accounts if you do not have paper copies.
You may also want to take photos of any valuable assets in the home (anything you think may be worth some money). Also, if you have any family heirlooms (such as jewelry), take them with you or put them in a safe place before you leave. You can get a safe deposit box at the bank to store copies of the paperwork listed, as well as small valuable items. If you have a joint checking account, consider opening your own checking account and storing money there. Any adult has the right to open their own bank account, even if they are married or dependent on another person.

It doesn’t matter what the back story is or is he’s stressed he shouldn’t be speaking to you like that.

What? Who cares? She needs to take the children and go.

What the fuck? Her money goes into a joint account which alerts him every time she spends HER money - his goes into his account. He speaks to her like that and it’s on her?

I'm neither a troll nor thick. Just wanted the whole picture to see if there was a reason behind things.

People in the real world do occasionally as a one off swear believe it or not.

And sometimes people ask family to help them get out of debt.

But now I have the full picture I, like all others, am concerned for the OP. The husband is clearly abusing her and she needs to put her safety first.

Clearly you've not read the whole thread .

I hope you're okay @Rainyday54321 , it's probably a lot to take in all at once.

I understand you might not want to OP, but please speak to your manager/HR/payroll and tell them you are being financially abused and need the money redirected asap. You have children to protect.

Your mum knows. Lean on her. Don't be ashamed. She would surely be SO RELIEVED.

I think you need to leave asap OP.

Record everything he says/does. And report it to the police.

Call Women's Aid for lots and lots of advice.

Despicable man.

Nothing to be ashamed of op.

Honestly pack a bag and go to your mums and don't come back.

He's an utter fuckwit.

@Leanmeansmitingmachine and everyone else insulting/annoyed at people asking questions, you are clearly very irrational individuals and like to attack. It's extremely normal to enquire more before flying off the handle and putting your two cents in. You're verbal abusers yourselves with that attitude.
Now that OP has provided a lot more information it's clear that this man is a psycho and she needs to get away from him. OP I'm so sorry that you have been dealing with that man and I hope you're able to find resolution, keep your family close and informed. Sending lots of love and hugs

Does your employer have a domestic abuse policy? Some do. If so, refer to that and ask them to flex the payroll deadline, I'm sure if you get paid towards the end of the month you'll be OK.

Even if they don't have that policy, ask your manager to ask for them to be flexible this one time. We pay penultimate working day of the month, cut off for the business is around 10th, but we can make changes to to about the 23rd usually.

He has his money paid into a personal account and so should you. Immediately. You can agree what amount needs paying into the joint account for x, y, z.

Longer term, you need to get rid of husband.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He has. He is also counting on your shame to keep you right where he wants you: under his control, financing his lifestyle.

His greatest fear is that everyone will realise what an absolute piece of garbage he is. This will mean:

1. He may well become extremely angry and even violent, given what you've shared here. This is a very dangerous time. If you can, I would try to find support from Refuge or similar, as they can offer practical advice on extricating yourself in the safest way possible
2. He will try every trick in the book to control the narrative. He will accuse you of all sorts (you're mentally ill, you've poisoned the kids against him, you had a gambling/spending/substance dependency - really, all sorts), and he will tell a very different story to anyone in earshot.

Forewarned is forearmed, my brave friend. When you know what's coming, it can help you feel more prepared at least.

You should be proud. You KNOW, and so do many women on here, how hard it is to even recognise abuse and ask for help, let alone escape it. It takes a strong woman to do that. It takes a strong woman to put her kids' wellbeing and safety above that of her partner's. It takes a strong woman to share this story with others, especially those who care about you, because you know how much it will affect them.

Find the tiger inside you, and do what you need to to get your kids away from this shit stain of a father and yourself from this revolting bully.

OP please contact Womens Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
They will be able to support you and offer guidance, a safe place to stay and help with contacting a solicitor.
For your childrens sake you need to leave this situation as they and you are at risk.
You can contact the Police and they can assist you as what he is doing is a crime.
I have experience of families leaving an abusive relationship is just what they are wearing to save their lives, and they have been helped to put their lives back together and be safe.