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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unkind messages

128 replies

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 19:37

Hi. Long story short I've been in an abusive relationship for a long time but only recently realised the state of it. Back story - We had an unexpected expense last week and I'm meant to be visiting family next week. Kids had saved up their money to buy a tv and so today I paid their money in to the bank and got them the tv. Husband then sent me the following messages. I've been out all day as can't face coming home. Please tell me I'm not over reacting - I would never speak to anyone like he has. My heart breaks for my kids as we walk on eggshells all the time. Please someone who has gone through a bad relationship tell me that it will get better :-(

Husband unkind messages
OP posts:
Twitchyeyebrow · 13/08/2024 20:22

What is with all the abuse apologisers?! Where did you all arrive from? 🙄

His messages are vile. No excuse for them whatsoever.

Change your banking op.

No more putting your wages in the joint account. Put them in an account that's just in your name. Ask the bank freeze the joint account due to his financial abuse.

How do you both contribute to bills if he's not putting money in the joint account ?

Do go to visit your relatives with the kids next week. And maybe don't go back.

😖(I don't know where this emoji came from and I can't delete it.)

duende · 13/08/2024 20:26

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:07

So much more info is required in order to form an opinion here.

Why two holidays?
Do you work or did he pay for these?
What was the unexpected bill for?
How much debt are you in?

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you.

Are you serious?
NO further info is required to conclude that the OP’s husband is an abusive bully, and that she would be better off without.

Sassybooklover · 13/08/2024 20:26

If my husband spoke to me in person, or sent me messages like that, I would be divorcing him. There is no reason for someone, who is supposed to love you, to treat a person with such contempt. There is zero respect for you OP, and certainly no love. Even if you were the crappiest person on planet earth with money, nothing excuses being spoken/messaged like that. He definitely isn't going to change, and exposing your children to a childhood of utter misery, that I can guarantee will effect them into adulthood, is not something you must do. As an often quoted MN expression 'get all your ducks in a row'. Tell family what is going on, make plans and get out as fast as you can.

lovemetomybones · 13/08/2024 20:31

I think you need to open an account in your own name and put your wage into that. It's the first thing I'd do tomorrow. You need financial independence. Work out half the bills and put that into the joint if you want.

Personally I would pack up the new TV and go to family and never come back. Or organise an independent life away from him.

He has no respect for you and is abusing you financially and emotionally. This is not a life partner, it's a life sentence!

OhMehGoddess · 13/08/2024 20:42

Fuck that shit. After over 20 years together my DH has never spoken to me like that or send a message like that.

He sounds god awful :(

EmeraldDreams73 · 13/08/2024 20:43

Emotional and financial abuse. Please get some help and start working towards getting away from this prick.

Specialized101 · 13/08/2024 20:46

We cant actually see what hes responding to so asking for opinions based on his response is a bit disingenuous .
Of course hes going to get judged badly on his response,what specifically was he responding to?

Original poster
Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 20:49

Specialized101 · 13/08/2024 20:46

We cant actually see what hes responding to so asking for opinions based on his response is a bit disingenuous .
Of course hes going to get judged badly on his response,what specifically was he responding to?

He saw on his online banking app a payment that he thought I'd made. I had earlier on in the day paid in the children's money as they have been saving for a tv. He knew that the kids were saving. He saw the payment and straight away assumed I had brought it. As I said previously I have to ask permission for everything I spend and tell him.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 13/08/2024 20:51

It’s not a joint account if he’s not paying into it. Stop contributing there and pay into your own account again. That’s bonkers.
Does he speak to your kids this way?

BurnerName1 · 13/08/2024 20:53

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 20:49

He saw on his online banking app a payment that he thought I'd made. I had earlier on in the day paid in the children's money as they have been saving for a tv. He knew that the kids were saving. He saw the payment and straight away assumed I had brought it. As I said previously I have to ask permission for everything I spend and tell him.

Show quote history

But you're in debt? And do you have a history of spending money you don't have and expecting husband to save you?

This doesn't make it OK for him to speak to you like that but I feel like we are only seeing 20% of the story. For all we know you verbally abused him first. We literally have no way of knowing.

SamW98 · 13/08/2024 20:54

He’s a controlling abusive cunt. For the sake of you and your kids you need to get your ducks in a row and LTB.

What's your living situation? Rent or mortgage and whose name?

2Hot2Handle · 13/08/2024 20:58

Is he physically abusive, or are you concerned that he could become so?

If no to both, I would recommend opening a personal
bank account and having your wages put there,
with a standing order for a certain amount into the joint account. Prepare friends or family that you trust, to ensure they know what is going on, and can be on standby to provide support if you need it, when your husband questions you on the change.

Write out what you’re going to say, so that you can stay on track and if he starts swearing, or shouting, physically leave the space you’re in. Whether that be the room, or the house. Take the kids with you.

Don’t lie to the kids about what is happening. Let
them know that you’re not okay with their dad shouting at you and that when he gets that way, it’s best not to be around him.

Start making plans to leave.

Original poster
Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 20:58

BurnerName1 · 13/08/2024 20:53

But you're in debt? And do you have a history of spending money you don't have and expecting husband to save you?

This doesn't make it OK for him to speak to you like that but I feel like we are only seeing 20% of the story. For all we know you verbally abused him first. We literally have no way of knowing.

Show quote history

I am not in debt. I had am overdraft when I wasn't working due to maternity leave that I found hard to clear initially as I was on minimum wage. That was when we used a joint account. I now earn triple what I was earning and the overdraft has been cleared for quite a few years.

I struggled with money when I was on maternity leave and minimum wage night work whilst the kids were little but all fine now I'm working a full time reasonably well paid job.

I have not verbally abused him and never have. I blocked out my message as it had my kids names. X

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 13/08/2024 20:58

So his money goes into his personal account and yours into the joint? How are bills paid? From what account?

Clearly you need to have your salary swapped to go directly into your personal account immediatley.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/08/2024 21:00

For a start you need to set up a bank account of your own and transfer all the money from the joint account into it then get your salary paid into your own account. Especially as he doesn't put his money into the joint account.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 13/08/2024 21:00

BurnerName1 · 13/08/2024 20:53

But you're in debt? And do you have a history of spending money you don't have and expecting husband to save you?

This doesn't make it OK for him to speak to you like that but I feel like we are only seeing 20% of the story. For all we know you verbally abused him first. We literally have no way of knowing.

Show quote history

Except that HER money all goes into an account he has access to. And HIS money is kepy completely sepearate. And he is now melting down because of expenditure on the joint account that was paid for with cash that was put in by the children.

And OP has said she's not in debt anymore.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/08/2024 21:01

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:07

So much more info is required in order to form an opinion here.

Why two holidays?
Do you work or did he pay for these?
What was the unexpected bill for?
How much debt are you in?

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you.

Even if that were true it doesn't give him carte blanche to send her abusive messages

Original poster
Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 21:02

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 13/08/2024 20:58

So his money goes into his personal account and yours into the joint? How are bills paid? From what account?

Clearly you need to have your salary swapped to go directly into your personal account immediatley.

Yes his go into his personal. Mine goes into the joint and I pay all the bills.

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 13/08/2024 21:03

This isn't 'unkind', it's verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. Go to your relatives and don't return. Get your wages paid into your own account ASAP.

AccountCreateUsername · 13/08/2024 21:03

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:11

Our posts crossed.

Sounds like he thinks you are bad with money and is trying to help you not spend it on shite you don't need?

If you're like my pal, she spends hundred every month on shite (usually jewellery she doesn't need) and wonders why she can never get out of debt.....um, stop buying jewellery.

In the context of a non abusive relationship I’d still find that controlling / iffy at best.

OPs partner is abusive and financially controlling. He has visibility and access to her money and she does not have access to his.

OP you need to start making a plan. My employer allows my salary to be paid into more than one account, but it sounds like your H is so controlling he’d make trouble / be suspicious if your salary changed.

What he’s doing is actually illegal. Financial abuse is a crime. What does your mum say about him? Flowers

Tartantotty · 13/08/2024 21:05

Difficult to ascertain whether you're bad with money or he's behaving like an arsehole. You have to decide - could be both of course.

gamerchick · 13/08/2024 21:08

Obviously the joint account doesn't work OP. So you'll be changing where your wages go won't you?

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/08/2024 21:08

Your money needs to be going into an account solely in your name. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t spend a penny out of the joint account the fact that he has any power over it and can remove OPs money and quizzes her on what she spends HER wages on (and her kids saved money) is financially abusive. He is also emotionally abusing you.

i would make an escape plan now and make sure I left the day my wages got paid into my own account. In the meantime get everything sorted out ready to leave.

Original poster
Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 21:10

AccountCreateUsername · 13/08/2024 21:03

In the context of a non abusive relationship I’d still find that controlling / iffy at best.

OPs partner is abusive and financially controlling. He has visibility and access to her money and she does not have access to his.

OP you need to start making a plan. My employer allows my salary to be paid into more than one account, but it sounds like your H is so controlling he’d make trouble / be suspicious if your salary changed.

What he’s doing is actually illegal. Financial abuse is a crime. What does your mum say about him? Flowers

Show quote history

This is correct. He has access to all my money and I have no access to his. He would be awful if I tried to change my account.

He has been violent before - throwing things at me, pushing me, punching the dishwasher in anger to name a few.

My parents have recently seen him for what he is and called him mean. He recently had a go at my parents and told them off for spoiling the grandchildren. Mum put £30 cash in my bag earlier as I sensed she just knew the shit was hitting the fan. Although I'm sure she knows how controlling he is I still can't bear telling her the full extent.

OP posts:
wordler · 13/08/2024 21:12

Do you already have a personal account OP?

When you are with your family next week please talk about all of this with your parents - I know it may be embarrassing but you need allies.

If you don't gave your own account aim to open one next week - with the option for a current account and a savings account - when you are with your parents. When you get back to work change where your wages land.

For now...

Work out how much of your wages needs to go towards joint bill and have that dd'd into joint account so those bills can be paid.

Start saving madly with what's left over so you have a safety net.

Your DH's reaction to that will tell you all you need to know about whether you can stay with this man or not.