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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband unkind messages

128 replies

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 19:37

Hi. Long story short I've been in an abusive relationship for a long time but only recently realised the state of it. Back story - We had an unexpected expense last week and I'm meant to be visiting family next week. Kids had saved up their money to buy a tv and so today I paid their money in to the bank and got them the tv. Husband then sent me the following messages. I've been out all day as can't face coming home. Please tell me I'm not over reacting - I would never speak to anyone like he has. My heart breaks for my kids as we walk on eggshells all the time. Please someone who has gone through a bad relationship tell me that it will get better :-(

Husband unkind messages
OP posts:
Toptotoe · 13/08/2024 22:10

i think this could qualify as ‘ controlling and coercive behaviour. You could involve the police if you wanted?
You need to close your bank account and open a new one so he has no access to your money.
if there is a likelihood he will be violent when you do this then speak to Refuge who will be able to advise you.

Paperweight7 · 13/08/2024 22:15

I sincerely hope you are able to leave this man. He sounds dangerous as well as obviously financially and verbally abusive. I would seek advice secretly by calling Women's Aid or tbe domestic abuse helpline on how to plan to leave him. Maybe your parents can help you to do this.

Best of luck. You and your children deserve more.

Hennypen321 · 13/08/2024 22:18

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 20:06

In terms of back story- we went away last week and had a home emergency so it cost more than expected. I'm meant to be visiting family next week so he considers that another holiday for me x

Sounds likes you're trying to justify his behaviour but you don't need to. This is the summer holidays and you are entitled to visit family.

You can open your own bank account and ask the bank to do an automatic transfer from the joint to the new sole account. They should be able to sort all that for you. Xx

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/08/2024 22:18

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:07

So much more info is required in order to form an opinion here.

Why two holidays?
Do you work or did he pay for these?
What was the unexpected bill for?
How much debt are you in?

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you.

WTF? No there is absolutely no need for further information at all. He swore at her. He called her mental. He threatened her.

OP, I have not read the entire thread. I dont need to. Your OP is enough to form an opinion on. His stress levels are irrelevant. His issues are irrelevant. No one every gets to talk to anyone like this ever. End of. For someone who is supposed to love you to do this is unconscionable.

user12343333333334 · 13/08/2024 22:19

I left exactly this type of relationship after 20+years. But not before he turned on my children and social services stepped in.
Don't leave it as long as I did. We are broken.

TheMamaYo · 13/08/2024 22:23

When are you leaving him?

Loloj · 13/08/2024 22:24

Why on earth are you the only one paying into the joint account? And you’re paying all of the bills - Wtaf.

how dare he monitor your spending like that? What is he spending his money on?!!

This is SERIOUS financial abuse OP - I don’t even think you realise how bad this is.

That is before the name calling and whatever other abuse is going on in your marriage.

You need to take control - find your anger and see a solicitor.

Be strong and get rid of this horrible horrible man.

tolerable · 13/08/2024 22:24

oh delicious apples sit down n shut up.and the rest of the bckstory gang..
the op says "we walk on eggshells ll the time"THE END.
op yes it is normal..in a domestic abuse situation
not in any sorta caceptable,ideal life.
womans aid is first point,walk away from him might be hard but is essentil.please do it
f#==k him

Opentooffers · 13/08/2024 22:25

I think your best bet is to sort an exit plan. Leave just as your next wage goes into a new bank account of your own and withdraw everything out of the joint account. Either go to family if they can accommodate you for a while, or call womens aid to get temporary housing. Then see a solicitor ASAP. It's unbelievable you've been putting up with this. He must have fair pot of savings by not paying for anything for the past year, you are entitled to half of that and equity.

AngelusBell · 13/08/2024 22:26

Toptotoe · 13/08/2024 22:10

i think this could qualify as ‘ controlling and coercive behaviour. You could involve the police if you wanted?
You need to close your bank account and open a new one so he has no access to your money.
if there is a likelihood he will be violent when you do this then speak to Refuge who will be able to advise you.

He’s been violent before and he’s going to be more violent if he gets an inkling the OP is leaving. This is coercive control and financial abuse. Do not, OP, delete the text messages. Send screenshots to someone you trust implicitly so they are date stamped. He is committing criminal offences and you need evidence before he takes your phone. I feel sick just reading those texts. This is exactly how my ex-husband used to talk to me all the time. That was 22 years ago and I haven’t asked anyone’s permission to spend my own money ever since.

PrettyPines · 13/08/2024 22:29

You pay all the bills and he tells you how to spend what money is left ?!
Op, please talk to women's aid and find a way to get rid of this horrible man.
Sorry you're in this situation.

Codlingmoths · 13/08/2024 22:31

DeliciousApples · 13/08/2024 20:07

So much more info is required in order to form an opinion here.

Why two holidays?
Do you work or did he pay for these?
What was the unexpected bill for?
How much debt are you in?

Sounds like he's at the end of his tether. Without further info it's difficult to know if that's fair enough or not.

If you are not working and spending all his money on holidays and a bill for something you should have known about (or is non essential that you shouldn't have ordered without prior discussion) with no way of paying it then that's on you.

The fuck? She is the only one who pays into the joint account and he monitors it and threatens to freeze it on her and you think oh the poor man must be stressed??

itsmylife7 · 13/08/2024 22:31

You must tell your mum OP.
hopefully you can escape this violent man.

You need the help of people who love you.

Original poster
Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 22:33

Thank you all for your support xx He just came downstairs and said "you need my verbal and written permission before you do anything" and completely ignored the kids. I will call my work tomorrow and see if they can change the account but I think I have to let them know by the 10th of a month. I've screenshotted the messages and I've been writing notes on my phone for all the things he has done/said. I've got a voice recording too for when he was shouting at me recently. I know I need to tell my mum the full version I'm just so ashamed that this is my life.

OP posts:
spicysamosahotcupoftea · 13/08/2024 22:36

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

He is behaving this way because he thinks you don't have the guts to stand up to him.

But YOU DO.

Do it for your kids. They deserve better.

AngelusBell · 13/08/2024 22:37

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 21:10

This is correct. He has access to all my money and I have no access to his. He would be awful if I tried to change my account.

He has been violent before - throwing things at me, pushing me, punching the dishwasher in anger to name a few.

My parents have recently seen him for what he is and called him mean. He recently had a go at my parents and told them off for spoiling the grandchildren. Mum put £30 cash in my bag earlier as I sensed she just knew the shit was hitting the fan. Although I'm sure she knows how controlling he is I still can't bear telling her the full extent.

Show quote history

I think your Mum knows. Please tell her everything. If I was your Mum I’d move heaven and earth to get you and your DC out of this situation.

Waspwine · 13/08/2024 22:40

Can you go to your mums? I know it may seem impossible but the sooner you leave the better.

he’s a danger to you and your kids who have no choice but to be where you are.

you sound like you have finally realised the extent. He will pick up on that soon and one of two things will happen, fake love bombing to keep you or extreme anger to frighten you from
leaving.

Please don’t let the moment pass, get out in the morning if you can and never go back for the sake of you and your kids.

Prema12 · 13/08/2024 22:42

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 22:33

Thank you all for your support xx He just came downstairs and said "you need my verbal and written permission before you do anything" and completely ignored the kids. I will call my work tomorrow and see if they can change the account but I think I have to let them know by the 10th of a month. I've screenshotted the messages and I've been writing notes on my phone for all the things he has done/said. I've got a voice recording too for when he was shouting at me recently. I know I need to tell my mum the full version I'm just so ashamed that this is my life.

I think you should explain the situation to your work and see if they can change it even though it's after the date.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 13/08/2024 22:44

Go to your family and don't come back. Get a divorce. Get your wages into your account only. He is abusive and he will get worse if you stand up to him. You will be in danger. Tell your family the truth and ask them for help.

Noseybookworm · 13/08/2024 22:45

OP first things first - can you pack up when he's at work tomorrow and go and stay with family/a friend with the kids until you leave for Scotland? Withdraw what you think you need from the joint account to tide you over. You need to contact Women's Aid for advice how to do this safely. You need to leave - you are in danger and so are your children. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed, you have done nothing wrong, you are being controlled and terrified by an abusive man. You and your children don't have to live like this, it is possible to get away from him and be happy. You need help and support, there's absolutely no shame in that. Do it for your children, it is so damaging to grow up in an abusive household. You need to get away from him, you really do deserve to live a life of peace and safety 💐

nancyastor · 13/08/2024 22:46

I just wanted to say you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. Please please please tell your mum. Your family are a safety net for you. Sending love.

scoobysnaxx · 13/08/2024 22:50

Cuzcospoison · 13/08/2024 20:18

OP, this is serious financial and emotional abuse, and all of the previous posters grilling you or trying to justify it are bonkers.

THIS AND ONLY THIS.
Get out asap OP.

It does NOT get better.

AgentJohnson · 13/08/2024 22:53

Op you need to tell your parents and you need to talk to Women’s Aid asap.

Id recommend not redirecting your salary until you have at least a plan to leave or to get him out. This poor excuse for a human is abusing you, please ignore the silly abuse apologists.

This man will not change but he could get a lot worse, your children need respite from this horrible, horrible man.

AngelusBell · 13/08/2024 22:53

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 22:33

Thank you all for your support xx He just came downstairs and said "you need my verbal and written permission before you do anything" and completely ignored the kids. I will call my work tomorrow and see if they can change the account but I think I have to let them know by the 10th of a month. I've screenshotted the messages and I've been writing notes on my phone for all the things he has done/said. I've got a voice recording too for when he was shouting at me recently. I know I need to tell my mum the full version I'm just so ashamed that this is my life.

WHAT? You do not need his verbal or written permission to do anything. You have nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of. Please explain the situation to HR at your workplace and ask if payroll can make an exception - if he’s monitoring your expenditure you can’t get your running away money together without him realising. Keep your passport and driving licence somewhere he can’t find them. This is not your life for much longer. A better life is waiting.

Hennypen321 · 13/08/2024 22:53

Rainyday54321 · 13/08/2024 22:33

Thank you all for your support xx He just came downstairs and said "you need my verbal and written permission before you do anything" and completely ignored the kids. I will call my work tomorrow and see if they can change the account but I think I have to let them know by the 10th of a month. I've screenshotted the messages and I've been writing notes on my phone for all the things he has done/said. I've got a voice recording too for when he was shouting at me recently. I know I need to tell my mum the full version I'm just so ashamed that this is my life.

Ask your employer if it's too late to change the bank account (which if you detail why, I'm sure they will do it for you) but tell them to NOT pay your wage and then get them paid later on once the new account has been opened - if you can manage financially until that point.

Once you take your money out of the account, then tell your bank that there is a marital dispute and then they won't allow either party to change things without the others consent.

You can do this x