Husband unkind messages

[Rainyday54321]

Hi. Long story short I've been in an abusive relationship for a long time but only recently realised the state of it. Back story - We had an unexpected expense last week and I'm meant to be visiting family next week. Kids had saved up their money to buy a tv and so today I paid their money in to the bank and got them the tv. Husband then sent me the following messages. I've been out all day as can't face coming home. Please tell me I'm not over reacting - I would never speak to anyone like he has. My heart breaks for my kids as we walk on eggshells all the time. Please someone who has gone through a bad relationship tell me that it will get better :-(

I would be concerned about physical violence given the nature of those messages. Is that a risk?

He sounds like an abuser. And he can't spell either.

Get help/support and LTB.

This is awful OP. You need to get your wages paid into your own account firstly.
It sounds like you are close to your family, do they know what he's like?. Will they support you if you were to split up?
He's a financially and emotionally abusive ar*ehole, is he physically abusive as well?
He's trying to ensure you have no power so he has complete control over you and the children.

Speak to woman's aid and the local domestic violence unit.

When you transfer your salary into your own account account and he kicks off call the police and get him removed from the house permanently.

I've just read your last post, so he is physically violent and your parents have seen what he's like. If my daughter was with someone like this I would do anything to get her away ( and want to do other things to him but that's beside the point).

I’m so sorry OP. Haven’t rtft but really recommend you use the time you have with family to read the Lundy Bancroft book “Why Does He Do That?” (Don’t tell him about it, order a copy to be delivered to the address you are going - try ebay - or download on kindle app or Apple Books if he can’t see your accounts for either)

If you can also call Women’s Aid, make a plan etc. while you have time to yourself. Ask your family to have the children for an afternoon so you have some space to do this. You and your children do not deserve this and your family, by the sounds of it, will offer you support if they can.

This is not your fault, and you can and will all be happier if you don’t have to live with this on a daily basis. Good luck

Can you change the account where you wages are paid into?

OP - You are an abused woman so I apprecaite how difficult it is to see and think clearly. But this is BATSHIT.

• You are paying ALL the bills
• He is STILL having a meltdown at what you spend?

You need to get out as fast as you can. while you are with your mum, you need to tell her evertything. Write it down if you must and give it to her to read while you take the kids to the park.

Sorry just seen your update. Apologies this is a terrible idea. Ignore me. Speak to someone who knows what they’re talking about

That’s sounds a very bad situation OP. You need a safe exit plan. He’s still being awful even though you’re on eggshells. This won’t get better.

Are you ok at home? Can you bring forward your family visit while you’ve got petrol to get there?

Doesn't matter if you were in debt up to your eyeballs, he shouldn't speak to you like this.
If you're dreading going home it's because you know what it'll be like.

When you're in Scotland could you confide in family and try to make a plan to escape your nightmare?

Ok so you are describing serious risk and you need to leave this relationship.

So his wage goes in his personal account and yours into the joint account? why? open a new bank account and put your wages in there than every month transfer half the bills money into the joint one. Why are you so scared of? you need to stand up for yourself, does your mum knows what kind of marriage you have?

sorry , just noticed you answered all the questions above, you need to take your kids and get out , you’re bring abused in many ways

Get a separate bank account immediately. Then inform your payroll of your new account number and sort code. I haven’t read the full thread yet.

My rule of thumb, after being in an abusive relationship, is once you start walking on eggshells it’s time to walk away.

What's your house situation do you rent or own? Who's name is on the lease/mortgage?

You need to leave him this is a horrific situation. If you pay all the bills what does he pay for? What is he like as a father to the kids, is he abusive to them?

This.
Can you move in with your parents? You've got to get those kids away from him. Their brains are being hardwired with trauma. I feel so sorry for them!!

Then open a new account and have your employer redirect the dd.

I would agree with others that him speaking to you like that is unacceptable. (Never said it wasn't incidentally, however I do understand the frustration a partner can feel when their other half continually spends with no thought for the consequences).

Now we have the backstory that you have no debt and the only reason you were in debt due to mat leave due his child, it seems like there is no doubt he is financially abusing you instead of trying to help you stay out of debt, which is what I initially thought until you clarified the situation.

Time to LTB. Sorry OP but he won't get any better.

Please be very careful. If he thinks his whipping boy is leaving he could get violent. A woman is at her most vulnerable in a domestic abuse situation when she tried to leave. Keep your powder dry. Get your ducks in a row quietly. Speak to womens aid. Don't reveal to him you're going in case he turns on you. Please be careful.

Talk to your mum. She knows what he’s like, it’s time to tell her the full story.
Could you and the children stay with your parents? Your husband is very controlling, keep screenshots of his messages. Keep a note of any violence, call the police if necessary. You need to plan your exit with the children. Once you start planning it gets easier. I put up with 5 years of shit and once I got out couldn’t understand why I’d not done it sooner.
As @DeliciousApples says, keep it from him, don’t hint, don’t let him find anything. Safety is paramount.

Behave yourself. You know nothing about the kind of person I am.

I was only getting the backstory. Because it's relevant.

I agree he shouldn't have spoken like that however I can understand someone swearing because their partners spent all the money for household expenses on shite and now they have no way to pay the gas bill or whatever. It's panicstations. But that as we now know isn't the case here.

What is your housing situation OP? Do you have lots of abusive texts from him? If you’re afraid to go to your own home then stay at your parents and call women’s aid / the police.

It won’t get any better. You and the kids will be better off without this man.

This is one of the worst things I have ever read on here. It’s shocking.

you need to get out, and take the kids, call women’s aid, call the police, get,to a refuge, you need to leave. And stop putting your money into what is effectively his account for him to control.it isn’t a joint account. Don’t call it that.

Op do you have a plan to leave this man? I think you know it's way past time ❤️

This - physical violence, verbal abuse, telling your parents off, financially controlling you and sending abusive text messages. You are seriously at risk here OP. You need to contact Refuge/Women’s Aid. Make sure your wages do not go into that account and make a safe exit plan because if he doesn’t realise he could be arrested for those messages alone, he’s dangerous and will become even more dangerous at the point you leave. I have been where you are now before the age of the Internet and it only gets worse.