Do you feel embarrassed of your overweight DP

[Littlemyyyyy]

My husband was getting ready for work this morning when he came out of the shower he commented on how he had gained some weight, I literally dgaf what he looks like as I love(d) the man to pieces, i casually said "you do eat a lot of junk food, what do you expect is going to happen? I think you're gorgeous regardless" he the. Got really annoyed and replied "well you haven't lost any weight since having the baby in October in fact you've probably put on a stone, I don't even like being seen with you these days" then left for work. To say I'm gobsmacked is in understatement. I have just been sitting in silence for the last half hour half crying with anger half crying with shock. He has never mentioned my weight and is constantly telling me I'm beautiful, I never in 100 years would have expected him to say that, to say he doesn't even like being seen with me because I've gained some weight after having baby is heartbreaking. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism back in April and I'm finding it very hard to shift the weight. I'm by no means morbidly obese, I'm 5'8 and 13 stone, he on the other hand is 6'2 and almost 20 stone. I don't even know why I'm posting this on just so upset and shocked and didn't have any one to talk to.

Sorry OP but I also think he's clearly struggling with an eating disorder and lashed out at your unkind comment.

What he said was awful but from your own OP he wasn't asking you for your opinion but he commented on how he'd put on weight-it wasn't a question.

Most people do this hoping for a bit of reassurance from a loved one. Instead you rather bluntly told him that essentially if he eats junk all the time, what does he expect? And it sounds like you point this out a lot.

Sounds like he felt very hurt and lashed out. Awful comment for him to make but he probably felt it was 'tit for tat'

All your other posts are dripping with contempt for him, his weight and eating habits. Perhaps your comments to him have not been as kind as you thought?

Come on. I had some sympathy for you after your first post. But your subsequent ones just seem petulant.

See the best in each other, and realise that you are both humans and you care what each other says and thinks of the other.

Your drip-drip-drip criticism of him hurts him, just as his outburst hurt you.

Drop the crap about being in the right because you are just being factual. By that token, what he said to you might be totally factual too.

You aren't going to solve this on MN. Find something to apologise to him for, and hope he's grown-up enough to do the same to you.

Sorry OP but I also think he's clearly struggling with an eating disorder and lashed out at your unkind comment.

You don't know that. Putting on weight over a period of time is not automatically a 'disorder'. Maybe the OP is fed up after years of her DH critisicing her healthy cooking while he takes no responsibility for his health as he eats junk/crap outside of main meals and then expects her to lie when he starts fishing for reassurance. That would piss me off.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent

If she is in the right because she is factually correct, then surely he is too, if only he can demonstrate that he really is ashamed to be seen with her.

No relationship could survive that kind of standard.

Why use that standard for her, but not him?

No correlation between him scoffing copious amounts of bad foods and you post pregnancy struggling with a free pounds.
Men are not women.
Speak your truth girlfriend. If you see he's eating like a pig...and you do not want to take on board the responsibility for caring for him I. The future re self inflicted harm. Then tell him. As for you, sorry not read the the full thread. Are you looking after yourself? Look we all have bad days. But if it's a settled way of behaving then give careful thought x

Sure, that's one way of thinking. But would you want that standard for us all? I'm not sure that would help either men or women. We all get old and we all get ugly.

I have never understood how 'just stating the obvious' is a valid reason for hurting someone's feelings. I mean, there are so many situations where that could go badly wrong. Aren't there?

After reading the OP's subsequent posts, it sounds as though her partner has a severe problem with his eating and needs professional help. I can't help wondering what the OP's 'kind' comments have been if he feels the need to hide food wrappers and cover his tracks. He must be feeling humiliated and ashamed. Unfortunately, in our society, you only seem to get sympathy if your eating disorder involves not eating enough (although even this isn't always the case.) If you overeat, you're just a greedy pig and should show some self control. The lack of empathy and general ignorance around the reasons for severe weight gain is shocking.

Gender realistic bloke.

Yes. We all have to give v careful thought Bout the people we get embroiled with.

They could be a v bad influence.

Um you just need to say “awful to criticise your partners body”. Neither of them should be doing that

Him saying he’s embarrassed to be seen with you is presumably him assuming that’s what you’re thinking of him. He's obviously sensitive about this issue and fact hes hiding wrappers etc points to an eating disorder, as others have said. He probably comfort eats bc hes stressed/depressed about something - work, family life, his appearance… and it obv becomes a vicious circle with the bigger he gets the more depressed he becomes etc. Its a difficult subject to broach but he needs to be willing to listen to your concerns for his health and take the necessary steps himself or he’ll get even bigger and more depressed.

Yes op sometimes I am embarrassed about his weight. My weight is the same as it was 18 yrs ago and he has just steadily climbed from medium shirt to XL and some of those are too tight across his belly. I don’t say anything…HE SAYS that’s worse because I have given up even encouraging him to lose weight. I find wrappers and such but not in large amounts. He drinks way more than me…but not problematic drinking. I think your husband loves sugar so he cannot feel satisfied by healthy meals irregardless of the portion size…the sugar craving is loud and persistent. I want him to lose weight and I’m working on losing 4 pounds myself right now and if I lose it great for me and oh well for him

Surely the reason OP's H is embarrassed to be seen with her is that she (since she is the slimmer of them) makes him look fat?

I’m sorry OP but I think this was a case of fighting fire with fire.🔥

You were both cutting - him because the “don’t like being seen with you” was awful, you because you started it and were unsympathetic/ blamed him.

Why not apologise and suggest a team effort of weight loss together. Or agree to just forget about it and leave each other alone. It’s worse to be nasty and bickering than overweight.

A voice of reason.

I’ve just seen the updates suggesting he has a complex relationship with food. Realistically I don’t think the team effort thing will necessarily work, and just forgetting about it doesn’t sound an option. He needs help - and kindness op. You both do. Weight can be a problem like any other thing people can’t necessary help having and people are very reluctant to understand that. There’s a huge blame culture around it - and, in truth op, you did blame him for his size. Not saying that what he said wasn’t awful.

You were both unkind - I know you were being truthful and answering the question but there are better ways to do it. (Eg - yes you have a bit - do you want to eat more healthily exercise). He was even ruder to you, but responding from a place of hurt which can make people aggressive.

If I were you I’d apologise for being tactless and also point out what he said was v hurtful, so you both need to do better in future. Having young kids is v tiring, that might be part of it,

He has a compulsive eating or binge eating disorder from what you say, but that doesn’t alter the exchange you had. He clearly needs some help, but you need to smooth over the end of your argument before you talk to him about that. I’d suggest he sees his GP - BEAT is the main eating disorder charity.

I don’t know, I mean I got pretty fat (working on it) if I moaned to my Dh he would say “don’t be silly you are lovely”. Now we both know I’m overweight and we both know it’s about food and exercise but he wouldn’t be so unkind to say it to me. He knows and I know, it doesn’t need to be spelled out. He could say it and it would be factually correct but it would be a bit pointless unless he genuinely believed I didn’t understand how I got fat.

What he said was horrible too. He heard you being unkind and he meted it back out to you.

These kind of habits would give me the ick.

You're absolutely in the right. Refuse to go out with him!

I get where you are coming from but equally it surely becomes extremely frustrating to go through this charade for years while the person concerned is doing absolutely nothing to address the issue of their weight. If my partner was slowly putting on the kilos towards obesity via a shit diet and no exercise there would definitely be a point where the "you look amazing' just becomes empty platitudes.

I'd suggest that with his level of overeating he has some sort of eating disorder. A mental health issue regards food

I'm guessing he needs professional help to heal his eating disorder

I dont think you keeping on and on and on , will help in any way

It's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking over and over....the alcoholic needs the right sort of help

You don't seem to care about him

I'm guessing he realises this

Hence him hitting out and saying he doesn't want to be seen with you

Sounds like a horrible relationship if I'm honest

Do you feel contempt for him OP?

Agree

I agree with PP’s that he lashed out at you after you bluntly told him the truth and he wasn’t emotionally able to deal with it. From your subsequent updates, it does sound as if he has a serious binge eating disorder and needs help. You need to be careful what you say.

Re. Your hypothyroidism. I was diagnosed about 15 years ago and your weight should stabilize once your medication dosage is right. It sounds as if you’re not on the right dosage yet. I’d go back to your doctor and ask for a blood test. I started out on 50 mg Levothyroxine and am now on 150 mg, my thyroid is barely functional!

There is no comparison between you factually pointing out his self identified weight gain was caused by his diet and him lashing out with insults about yours.
You did not speak from deliberate cruelty. He did. You did not offer unsolicited comments. He did. You kept your comments to his behaviour. He insulted your appearance. You offered positive feelings towards him and complimented him. He said just about the most negative thing he could, that you embarrassed him.
So please do not let people on here or your H when you discuss it to gaslight you into thinking you are as bad as him, deserved it and brought it on yourself. It was an appalling thing to say to you, a perfect example of negging to bring you down because he feels bad about himself.
Unless he retracted unreservedly with profuse apology, then I'd make certain sure he never got the chance to be embarrassed to be seen out with me again.