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Original poster

Do you feel embarrassed of your overweight DP

129 replies

Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 09:07

My husband was getting ready for work this morning when he came out of the shower he commented on how he had gained some weight, I literally dgaf what he looks like as I love(d) the man to pieces, i casually said "you do eat a lot of junk food, what do you expect is going to happen? I think you're gorgeous regardless" he the. Got really annoyed and replied "well you haven't lost any weight since having the baby in October in fact you've probably put on a stone, I don't even like being seen with you these days" then left for work. To say I'm gobsmacked is in understatement. I have just been sitting in silence for the last half hour half crying with anger half crying with shock. He has never mentioned my weight and is constantly telling me I'm beautiful, I never in 100 years would have expected him to say that, to say he doesn't even like being seen with me because I've gained some weight after having baby is heartbreaking. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism back in April and I'm finding it very hard to shift the weight. I'm by no means morbidly obese, I'm 5'8 and 13 stone, he on the other hand is 6'2 and almost 20 stone. I don't even know why I'm posting this on just so upset and shocked and didn't have any one to talk to.

OP posts:
Danbury · 13/08/2024 09:47

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 09:43

Marriages can't survive contempt. Your husband has contempt for you.

Not necessarily.

The OP was simply there, the only person to lash out to when he realised that he's ashamed of how he looks. Projection, really.

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 09:49

Yes I also am sceptical that he actually has issues with the ops weight or how she looks. Sounds more like he feels shit about himself. He sought reassurance from her and she commented on his eating habits. She was being factual and truthful but the truth obviously hurt. He then lashed out at her.

Danbury · 13/08/2024 09:50

sofiamofia · 13/08/2024 09:46

He ASKED you if you thought he’d gained weight - no one should ask these questions if they don’t really want the answer

No he didn't. He commented that he had. The OP swept in with her opinion which he didn't ask for.

OP, I think you owe him an apology. You say he has never mentioned your weight before and constantly tells you you're beautiful and after one comment, you're crying for a half hour.
Now think of how many comments he has put up with from you over the years ... and it doesn't matter if you say it "kindly" or "gently", all he hears is "she thinks I'm a fat bastard".

Fat people know they're fat; they don't need to be told.

No, OP, do not apologise for stating a fact.

Ratisshortforratthew · 13/08/2024 09:52

sofiamofia · 13/08/2024 09:46

He ASKED you if you thought he’d gained weight - no one should ask these questions if they don’t really want the answer

No he didn't. He commented that he had. The OP swept in with her opinion which he didn't ask for.

OP, I think you owe him an apology. You say he has never mentioned your weight before and constantly tells you you're beautiful and after one comment, you're crying for a half hour.
Now think of how many comments he has put up with from you over the years ... and it doesn't matter if you say it "kindly" or "gently", all he hears is "she thinks I'm a fat bastard".

Fat people know they're fat; they don't need to be told.

From the OP: “He was literally asking me if i thought he had gained weight”

yes he did.

Edingril · 13/08/2024 09:54

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2024 09:43

Marriages can't survive contempt. Your husband has contempt for you.

Wonder why?

Reacher81 · 13/08/2024 09:55

Please please please. Don't feel too bad. As a bigger chap myself.. I had huge insecurity issues, i was told the same I'm still attractive etc etc but deep down I believe it was just the generic responce. Maybe , just maybe you caught him at a time where he was just expecting a gentle pick me up. I myself have let the odd sharp comment out to what was my other half when feeling like a wet sack of spuds... talk to him about his feelings then tell him you're upset.. this is a 50/50 conversation.

Comedycook · 13/08/2024 09:58

Ratisshortforratthew · 13/08/2024 09:52

From the OP: “He was literally asking me if i thought he had gained weight”

yes he did.

Show quote history

This is very black and white thinking. There are lots of factual things we could say to our partner that would still hurt them especially if it's something they feel very sensitive about

sofiamofia · 13/08/2024 10:02

Ratisshortforratthew · 13/08/2024 09:52

From the OP: “He was literally asking me if i thought he had gained weight”

yes he did.

Show quote history

Or she changed her story in her second post when she didn't get full support for her unkindness

godmum56 · 13/08/2024 10:05

Ratisshortforratthew · 13/08/2024 09:38

He’s an arse. He ASKED you if you thought he’d gained weight - no one should ask these questions if they don’t really want the answer. Maybe he is aware that his eating habits are the problem and was fishing for a compliment - if someone is aware of the issue but can’t/wont do anything about it, they lose the right to complain imo. What you said was factual, what he said was malicious.

If a woman had asked a man this (aka does my bum look big in this) the expectation would be that if the man was going to give an honest answer it should be phrased very gently which it doesn't sound like the OP did. I am going to call it a 50/50 and suggest that both look at how they communicate and the dynamic of their relationship.

Original poster
Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 10:05

Danbury · 13/08/2024 09:33

@Littlemyyyyy you weren't unkind with what you said. What you said was simply stating fact, and logical. His comment, on the other hand, was cruel. He was annoyed that you had pointed out the fact to him (that he eats junk food). He was annoyed because he feels ashamed that his weight gain is a direct result of his poor food choices. Because he felt ashamed, he wanted to distance himself from that feeling, so he lashed out at you instead.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would silently start on a very strict fitness and nutrition plan myself, end up looking like an athlete, and then stick two fingers up to him, the arse-head!

My favourite reply so far.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 13/08/2024 10:08

Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 10:05

My favourite reply so far.

Show quote history

of course it is, it puts you in the right.

SaintHonoria · 13/08/2024 10:09

Tit for tat only his tit was harsher.

Both of you need to get together and unite in losing weight and becoming healthy for yourselves if not for the sake of the child.

Use this as a catalyst for change.

As you have a medical condition then you need to seek medical support at reducing your weight.

If he doesn't want to join you then do it alone.

Original poster
Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 10:10

W0tnow · 13/08/2024 09:33

I’m angry on your behalf. I suggest messaging him, ‘if you don’t want to be seen with me, there’s an easy fix.’ Then send him a link to a divorce lawyer.

I just can’t be dealing with the moaning about weight thing, when it’s clear that eating crap is the culprit. What do people think the result would be?

Edited

Thank you. I literally done this already, he didn't even look at my message. What is getting to me most is that he's done ever eat any type of "junk" I ate extremely healthy all through pregnancy and my son was in the nicu for a week and I stayed with him and barely survived on cups of tea and the odd sandwiches here and there, after we got out I treated myself to a McDonald's because I was craving one and didn't even finish it. I have a really good diet and go for long walks with my toddler and baby in the pram every evening and 3 times a week through the day also. My weight gain is nothing to do with diet or exercise and he knows that and that's what hurt. It's not something I can control just now and he's well aware.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 10:11

MumApril1990 · 13/08/2024 09:46

If he doesn’t like being seen with you, spend your time going out with friends and family having the time of your life whilst he sits at home. Tell him you’re saving him from any embarrassment being seen with a 13 stone (shock horror) woman.

❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
Timetothink54321 · 13/08/2024 10:11

sonjadog · 13/08/2024 09:09

I think he was very unkind. I would guess that he felt vulnerable and he lashed out unfairly on you after your comment. His was a lot worse though. Could you have a chat with him about it when he comes home later?

Agree with this.

I think it’s up to op’s dh to come home with an enormous bunch of flowers and apologise though. I would be giving him the cold shoulder until he did.

Trouble is, now he has said something so unkind, op is going to think of it every time they go out together. And it’s pretty disrespectful of him given his size. He has a lot of crawling to do to make this right.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 13/08/2024 10:15

I mean, reading the rest of the thread, you don't seem to care very much that you likely hurt him, and he doesn't seem to care that he hurt you... so not really sure that the relationship is in a good place generally! If I need to be honest with my DH about something which isn't nice, I'll still try and do it in the kindest way I can, because I love him and don't want to hurt him. He does the same in return.

It doesn't seem like either of you are that bothered about hurting each other, which isn't super healthy imo.

BettyTagRolyHappy · 13/08/2024 10:19

Sorry OP, but your first comment was bound to get his back up. It just wasn't necessary and he's lashed out at your out of embarrassment and hurt.

99problemsandthetimeis1 · 13/08/2024 10:21

You hurt him. He hurt you.

Sounds like you're both probably feeling miserable about it and need to clear the air and make up later.

Mickey79 · 13/08/2024 10:24

You both sound like you were unkind. Why not just say we could both do with losing some weight, let’s make a plan and do it together.

MtClair · 13/08/2024 10:24

Honestly, you’ve BOTH been hurt by a comment about your weight. Because that’s a sore point to most people.

You can’t make him loose weight.
You can’t make him stop eating junk.
(But you can take into account his comment about the meals not being filling enough - you can make them healthy and filling so he doesn’t feel the need to add crap afterwards).
You can concentrate on your own journey and/or not buy any crap/biscuits/ice cream (and let him go and buy some if he feels like it).
And you can stop judging him and yourself ‘for putting weight on’. Shame has never helped anyone solving problem, weight in particular.

MtClair · 13/08/2024 10:27

Littlemyyyyy · 13/08/2024 10:05

My favourite reply so far.

Show quote history

Dint forget that you are feeling this exact shame after his comment though….

When surely, knowing you have issues with hypothyroidism, you shouldn’t feel any shame at all?? And yet, you feel the need to explain why you have some weight on, the medical issue etc… to try and shift the blame away from you.

Seriously, can’t you see how this is a triggering subject for you and him?
And it needs to approach with tenderness rather than shame?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 13/08/2024 10:28

She is in the right @godmum56

Her comment might not have been something he wanted to hear, but it was factually correct and also - let's not infantilise this grown man - not something he wasn't aware of. He knows his eating habits aren't doing his weight any favours.

He then retorted that OP was still fat after having a baby. His baby no less. So something he had a hand in, and that he doesn't even like being seen with her anymore. This is not tit for tat, this is jumping to making the cruellest, most personal comment because he didn't like the response to the question he asked!

I honestly pity some of you that are seemingly ok with accepting a literal insult from your husband because your factually correct, not loaded answer to a question has upset him. As if he couldn't control himself from the second part of his comment.

Shame on him. And shame on those of you trying to excuse it.

MtClair · 13/08/2024 10:30

@CutthroatDruTheViolent it seems shame is the focus if this thread then….

MonsteraMama · 13/08/2024 10:37

He didn't hear the "I still think you're gorgeous" bit, just the fast food bit. He heard you criticising him, so he decided to lash out and say something he knew would hurt you.

I honestly hate people like that. Can't take criticism and go for the jugular every time they feel attacked or criticised at all instead of... Oh I don't know, communicating like a fucking grown up? If his feelings were hurt there was a way to communicate that without being cruel and hurtful. He's a grown man. I'd hate to be in a relationship with any of the ridiculously childish "well you started it" lot.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 13/08/2024 10:45

He responded like a dick. Regardless of how tackless you were. He was a dick.

he came out of the shower he commented on how he had gained some weight He wanted reassurance, not you do eat a lot of junk food, what do you expect is going to happen which was harsh.

His reply to say you've gained weight knowing that is a medical reason and out of your control as to deflect because his weight gain is in his control, and he has lost all control. He was a dick.

*I don't even like being seen with you these days"
This was inexcusable. And I agree with pp you need to deal with this. You said youve nobody to confide in so two birds, one stone this, build a friendship network. Go out, join classes. Put
effort into friendships.