Do you feel embarrassed of your overweight DP

[Littlemyyyyy]

My husband was getting ready for work this morning when he came out of the shower he commented on how he had gained some weight, I literally dgaf what he looks like as I love(d) the man to pieces, i casually said "you do eat a lot of junk food, what do you expect is going to happen? I think you're gorgeous regardless" he the. Got really annoyed and replied "well you haven't lost any weight since having the baby in October in fact you've probably put on a stone, I don't even like being seen with you these days" then left for work. To say I'm gobsmacked is in understatement. I have just been sitting in silence for the last half hour half crying with anger half crying with shock. He has never mentioned my weight and is constantly telling me I'm beautiful, I never in 100 years would have expected him to say that, to say he doesn't even like being seen with me because I've gained some weight after having baby is heartbreaking. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism back in April and I'm finding it very hard to shift the weight. I'm by no means morbidly obese, I'm 5'8 and 13 stone, he on the other hand is 6'2 and almost 20 stone. I don't even know why I'm posting this on just so upset and shocked and didn't have any one to talk to.

A hurried conversation in the morning when both have other things on their mind, so not thinking in detail.

Should we add this time of day to the 'warning list' along with late night after-a-drink posts.
I hope you can make up nicely.

You two need to talk about what happened otherwise this will spiral.

You need to say "what you said to me this morning about being fat and being embarrassed to be seen with me was one of the most hurtful and spiteful things you have ever said to me, I know you didn't like my comment about junk food and I can see what I said wasn't what you wanted to hear, perhaps you wanted me to reassure you, which I did when I said you are gorgeous to me despite what you eat, I wasn't trying to be spiteful or nasty. What you said to me was extremely spiteful and nasty and you meant it to be. Why did you do that?"

See where it goes. Maybe he meant that vile thing he said (then its time to end it) or maybe he's actually in a bit of a state about his weight and eating and that needs addressing, perhaps with some outside help.

**
I have been for a very long time in the nicest way possible telling him him eating habits are awful. He eats crisps and sweets and cakes and god know what else all day them says my healthy food doesn't fill him.“

Sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back. He’s fed up with your “nicest way possible” comments and lashed out.

But this isn't nice though is it? His response was horrible but you've not been nice either.

Absolutely, and the fact OP not that long ago had his baby. All out of her control in terms of weight gain. His belly’s down to his own greed and lack of will power.

I also am sceptical that he actually has issues with the ops weight or how she looks. Sounds more like he feels shit about himself. He sought reassurance from her and she commented on his eating habits. She was being factual and truthful but the truth obviously hurt. He then lashed out at her.

This

However, he needs to STFU about his weight or do something about it. There’s nothing more tedious than people seeking reassurance for their denial.

This is a good way to approach it, where you can have a constructive discussion about what has happened. Much better than sending links to divorce lawyers and such like. Discuss rather than threaten is a better strategy in general.

A woman doesn't have HIS baby FFS. She decides to have a baby with a man she presumably cares about. I see this mawkish crap all over this site and it's really nauseating.

That '... but I still find you gorgeous' sounds like a sop. It's up/down there with '... but you have such a pretty face'. Neither are compliments, they're designed to shield the commenter from any comeback. Fooling nobody.

Divorce if you think that's the answer. I'm surprised at your 'favourite' answer on this thread, I thought you'd be more grown up rather than wanting patronising patting on the head.

I think he set that argument up so he could be hurtful personally. As pp said, once contempt enters a marriage, its game over.

It's possible that he only heard the first part of your reply about junk food and knee jerk reacted...but even then, what he said was horrible. People who actually love us would never say something like that.

I think he engeneered the argument.

Why...hmm..Well maybe it's part of a larger pattern of abuse. Or maybe he's cheating and so it's the beginning of the 'script' (demonising you in order to excuse his cheating).

Either way...I don't think there's any coming back from what he said. Even if he profusely apologises...I think I'd still have to go.

Agree with this. What he said was horrible but perhaps he's sick to death of you telling him how awful his eating habits are, however nice you think you might be being.

What you said to him wasn't terrible by any means, i think he was looking for reassurance, he wasn't expecting you to be honest, and you even told him that you think he looked gorgeous regardless anyway! But for him to say those horrible things about you, just goes to show that he's unable to take a tiny bit of criticism.

If i had said even half of what he said, to my wife, my life wouldn't be worth living!

Sorry, but your husband sounds like a piece of shit.

Maybe they do in London/other large cities, but none of the gyms near me do. I don’t think it’s the norm unless you’re paying an awful lot of money.

His comments were awful.

However don't pretend yours were helpful, do you think he is unaware he eats junk food? I would have said "you look great any size. If it is bothering you why dont we stop having junk in the house, will help me too"

That said it doesnt excuse his reply.

Weight is an absolute minefield, tied up in family history and body image. He felt attacked and lashed out in a horrible way, designed to hurt, in response to your minor dig, which obviously hit home. He knows why he is overweight, and probably wanted some reassurance.

My partner often says she is fat (and she has been putting on weight) as have I have. I say - we're both a bit overweight - do you want to do something about it?

There are some things better left unsaid. We all have reservations about our partners, but unless you want to end things, saying you have contempt for your partner is an absolute no.

It's possible you can both come back from this, but I think you need counselling together over this issue.

Fantastic.
Cannot wait for the hate to come in, however,
my problem has been hypothyroidism since the age 18 (and horrible problems coming with it), but
I have never been overweight in my 46 yo life.

What he said to you was truly vicious and not something you will forget any time soon.
He knows he has gained weight and acknowledged it.
You were factual, not unkind.

I would pack a bag and visit family and I would be taking a long hard look at a man who could say something so ugly and vicious to a new mother.

He's no prince, that's for sure.
As for going out with him again??
I really don't know.

Nasty ugly words have consequences, they cannot be unsaid.

Mind yourself OP, reach out to family and friends for support.
He certainly doesn't have your back.

I'm inclined to agree with the posters who think that both of you are at fault, to a greater or lesser degree, here. What he said was very hurtful and unnecessarily savage. But you say that you have made comments about his weight in a 'kind' way over the years. There really isn't a kind way to mention someone's weight or bad eating habits. Believe me, he knows he's big and he knows why. So perhaps the bite back from him was a culmination of having his eating habits 'kindly' commented on for some time and not just the bluntness of your remark in the moment. I'm not saying he was right to respond this way, but it might go some way to explaining it. We're all human and we all say hurtful things. I think he should sincerely apologise and that you should too.

Projection or not the OP can never unhear those words. It is what the fat lump of a man does now that matters and i am pretty sure he won't be on his knees begging forgiveness.

Neither of you come out of that exchange sounding great. He was expressing unhappiness with his body. You were then passive aggressive in your reply, made him feel worse. I know MN doesn't like the word 'nag' but that is what he will have heard, you banging on again about his crap diet, and he lashed out in response because he has had enough of it.

If you want to fix it, Ii sounds like both of you need to apologize to each other and discuss how you can each help each other to eat more healthily and lose weight together, even if you have to take a different approach because of your medical issues.

Alternatively, given that you don't appear to like him very much, if your subsequent responses are anything to go by, just crack on and divorce him.

What you said was fine, OP. What he said, especially in light of your health, makes him a spiteful cunt.

I would be devastated by such a vitriolic slew from the man supposed to love me.

You've obviously been lucky then because a lot of people do pile on weight with it

"Lucky" wouldn't be the description.

You know what I meant. I've got hyperthyroidism so I go the opposite way but I'm sure there are others out there who don't lose loads of weight with it.

He eats junk food and hide sit, the only reason I know about it is his work van and his work clothes often have wrappers hidden in the pockets, I don't keep any junk food in the house, literally only snacks for our diabetic toddler, last week I made a gorgeous roast on Sunday and afterwards he went to the corner shop and ate a 3 pack of magnums. The mans out of control

That’s why he’s 20-fucking stone. Jesus. He has a problem and he was astonishingly vile to you to project. He needs to sort himself out. I would really struggle to forgive this though.