Would stinginess put you off?

[Ohwellithappens]

I met a guy OLD. We have been seeing each other one day a week and we message every day. In many respects he is great. He's really witty, clever and well read. But his attitude to money is very different to mine. To put this in context we both own our own homes without a mortgage in London, I earn very good money and he earns more so easily over £150k and he has just received a large inheritance and seems to spend a lot of time sorting out tax issues relating to it.
We meet for coffee etc and it's like he is totting up who paid the £6.50 for two coffees last, usually I will pay if I am near the till, it's really not an issue for me. But on the one occasion we went for dinner, he picked a restaurant that frankly a 21 year old would take a date to and I offered to pay towards the bill and he accepted..it was £30.00, which in my world is nothing and less so in his , but I was quite taken back. A few nights ago we went for drinks in a brasserie, lots of couples were having drinks and food, he suggested wine which we sipped for 1.5 hours, he didn't suggest getting food even though it was 8.00pm and then when we left accepted my offer of £10.00 to cover half the bill, the waitress actually rolled her eyes to me. We are mid 50s, affluent, I dress with a lot of effort, I turn up looking very nice, I make an effort to be there. It's really annoying me, it's like he is keeping tabs. I haven't suggested going to some places because he just will go on about the cost...

I haven't suggested going to some places because he just will go on about the cost...

Thiskind of attitude gets old been quickly. Dump.

I would end this. I quickly dumped a guy for similar behaviour. It won’t get better. And you are clearly not compatible. His priority is preserving money, yours is living life.

You are mismatches and he will drain the joy out of any occasion by his reluctance to spend money.

Yes. This is early days, when he is trying to impress you presumably, will only get worse.

Dump and run, men like this can become financially abusive very quickly.

This isn't going to improve if it's an issue in the early days of a relationship - and it sounds like meanness/extreme frugality as he isn't short of money

For me, this kind of behaviour is tedious in a friend, unacceptable in a partner. I'd insist on paying and expect them to do the same next time. If they want to share on their turn and happy to let you pick up the bill when it's your turn ... I'd never put myself in that situation a second time.

By contrast, my sister has no issue keeping track in her head and just waiting for her DH to pay when it's his 'turn'. Sigh

life.is.too.short

It would 100% turn me off. People who are stingy to that extent with money are rarely generous in other areas of their life. It also suggests he is approaching the relationship in a transactional and suspicious way, ensuring you aren’t getting $1 up on him. Yuck!

If you like him in other ways you could always try raising the issue and letting him know you are at a stage of your life where you want someone who isn’t tracking every $$, and is prioritising good experiences and good over money. He will either meet you where you are at, or he won’t and you can dump him.

Ugh. I don't mind splitting the bill early on in a relationship (only fair) but to take £10 or try and figure who paid last when you both earn well? No no no this is not good.

He’d be gone like yesterday. Dump

Yep he’s a tight arse who needs dumping.

Im fine paying for alternate dates, buying a few drinks, saying ‘I’ll get these’ if I’m ordering the coffees but his behaviour is way more than that. It’s like he’s keeping a mental balance sheet and it’s really not attractive.

He behaves like a miser and now rightly or wrongly I start thinking his decisions are based on it...for example it's almost stressful going out in the evening because he will never suggest dinner so I end up feeling starved. He doesn't go on holiday and again I suspect he feels that is a waste of money, maybe he doesn't but that's what I am reading in to it. I will keep him as a coffee friend and that's it, he seems to function well in a £6 bracket.

I wouldn't see him again. It sounds really petty and tedious.

And I'd tell him why

Functions well in €6 bracket.

that’s hilarious. Bargain basement

I wouldn’t bother. Mean with money, mean with everything else

It might not even be a mental one !
I just feel he has no dignity, where we both live it's a fancy area and literally no guy would split a drinks bill..

He's obviously very tight about certain things. I have a wealthy family member who would never ever buy me so much as half a lager. He always wants to go to quite affordable restaurants when with my side of the family. This is good as I'm not loaded, and we all pay our own way.
But when he's with his Mrs, he goes to top restaurants like Scotts and le Gavroche, drinks champagne and of course he wears a Rolex!
But this bloke seems like he never wants to spend on anything! No wonder he's rolling in it. Haha.

i agree,
no wonder he is so well off!

does not sound appealing

If you knew he has money to spend and wants him to pick up tabs then why did you offer to split or pay in the first place?

From the get go, go into dating and relationships knowing what you want and communicate that

He sounds awful op, definitely dump!

Any reason you can't suggest eating, though? Why do you have to sit there feeling "starved" because he is a tight git?

Your comments about turning up "looking very nice" are a bit strange too, tbh. Does that mean you deserve to have more money spent on you??

In short, you are not wrong to be fed up with this sub-par specimen but you do seem to have a rather old-fashioned attitude towards dating; sitting there like the little woman, looking pretty and not speaking up while he controls what happens...?

Just my thoughts.

I wouldn't go out with anyone who wasn't on my level financially, and that means similar disposable income and similar attitudes to spending it, life is too short!

@BobbyBiscuits I do have an old fashioned attitude to dating maybe because I am 57 and this man is the same age.

Few thoughts:

Why don’t you suggest dinner? Nice places you would like to go?

have you thought of this:
Maybe be isn’t the type of guy that wines or dines ladies but has other good qualities?
Maybe he is keeping the door open for you to make the initiative as an independent lady?

best of luck

Just tell him that you find this part of dating him a problem.See what he says maybe this is how he has been for years.Order your own food and do not go hungry if he wants to order so be it.I don’t think this relationship is going to work in the long term.Have fun but maybe not with him.

Well I wouldn't just sit there and not suggest getting food if I was hungry. I might have done in my late teens / early 20s, but not in my 50s. (Men don't impress me that much!)

Even with friends we don't always just pay our share, often split the bill equally or one pays one time and the other the next.

Being fussy over exact costs is a turn off. But in your case, I'd just tell him that and see if he can change his ways.