Would stinginess put you off?

[Ohwellithappens]

I met a guy OLD. We have been seeing each other one day a week and we message every day. In many respects he is great. He's really witty, clever and well read. But his attitude to money is very different to mine. To put this in context we both own our own homes without a mortgage in London, I earn very good money and he earns more so easily over £150k and he has just received a large inheritance and seems to spend a lot of time sorting out tax issues relating to it.
We meet for coffee etc and it's like he is totting up who paid the £6.50 for two coffees last, usually I will pay if I am near the till, it's really not an issue for me. But on the one occasion we went for dinner, he picked a restaurant that frankly a 21 year old would take a date to and I offered to pay towards the bill and he accepted..it was £30.00, which in my world is nothing and less so in his , but I was quite taken back. A few nights ago we went for drinks in a brasserie, lots of couples were having drinks and food, he suggested wine which we sipped for 1.5 hours, he didn't suggest getting food even though it was 8.00pm and then when we left accepted my offer of £10.00 to cover half the bill, the waitress actually rolled her eyes to me. We are mid 50s, affluent, I dress with a lot of effort, I turn up looking very nice, I make an effort to be there. It's really annoying me, it's like he is keeping tabs. I haven't suggested going to some places because he just will go on about the cost...

You don’t sound compatible. If you like, keep him as a friend then stick to coffee dates, as you mentioned and find someone who is more on your wavelength with whom you can enjoy your leisure time with.

Stinginess is not a good quality in anyone (male or female). I had two work colleagues and we met on Fridays when we could for lunch. We all earned the same amount of money, and although not rich, we were comfortable and could easily afford the ‘pub’ lunch (i.e. quite cheap). He NEVER bought anything to eat, just a round of drinks and used to eat his cheese sandwiches beforehand. Fine, if he preferred to eat his sandwiches (always cheese) that was OK, but he then used to sit and virtually ogle our food and often tried to ‘pinch’ chips etc, he even called us greedy (for wanting to buy and eat food at lunchtime). He was single (like us at the time), and just wasn’t prepared to spend money on what he considered was an unnecessary expense. Eventually my other friend and I just ignored him and continued to eat our lunch. We could tell he wanted the food (despite having already eaten his cheese sandwiches) and we used to brush his hand away in a joking manner if he tried pinching from our plates. We liked him as a friend so didn’t ditch him, but then he often wondered why he found it hard to keep a girlfriend. I wonder why?

but you are accepting it or did accept it
he already showed you who he is

Can't you talk to him about it? It's easy to slip into habits about spending money. Maybe agree how you are going to manage your finances on dates in an upfront way. It seems a bit dated to assume the man will be generous and pay for the privilege of you making an effort looks wise. You both earn well. If he doesn't want to do the things you want to do because he doesn't want to pay for himself then you aren't compatible and there is no future.

I agree we are not compatible. Just thinking over things, half the time I am literally taken aback by his tightness. We had coffee a few months ago and he offered to get a cake for me...adding they were free. Buying a single bottle of water to share on a hot day...

Dump the tight wad. Such an unattractive trait

It shouldn’t be awkward. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong by not being more forward. My policy when I was dating was to ‘lean back’ and let them show me what they thought a good date was and how much they wanted me to enjoy the date. If what they offered didn’t sit with me, I didn’t accept the date or any others. If I was expecting dinner on a date and none was offered, I wouldn’t suggest eating because I wouldn’t enjoy eating with someone who clearly didn’t want to. Sharing a meal is a sociable act. I’d rather go home early and get a takeaway. No point trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Waste of energy.

Stinginess really turns me off. I have friends with lots of different levels of income and I’m conscious not to make anyone feel uncomfortable by going to places they can’t afford, and that’s one thing, but if this guy is as affluent as you think he is then it’s just plain old scrooginess.

You aren’t in your twenties just starting out. You’re at a place where you want to live a little.
Is there any chance he’s not as financially secure as you think?
But it would be a “no” from me anyway. It’s just embarrassing being with the penny pincher in social situations.

keep him as a coffee friend

Sounds like a good plan.

I'd definitely dump him. Stinginess is incredibly unattractive.

If you had said, "Let's have a meal, my treat" when you were out and starving that night, do you think he would've been thrilled?

😂😂😂

You know if he hadn’t got the money, honestly you could eat chips on a park bench with him, but we’re hardly talking beluga at nobu here, and if it were me I would have needed a bottle of wine to make it through the evening..

My dad once said about some friends parents, that they didn’t own the money, the money owned them. And it’s true of a lot of people. Miserable shit can’t get a bottle of wine in on a date… what the fuck is money for? get lost..

My FIL is like this. Money in the bank but never spends it. I always say to DH "don't become your dad" if he ever mentions money for something 🤣

Never been well off, nor do I expect expensive dinners, often bought drinks or coffees.
Given he's tight, very bad, maybe he has debts? Or addictions

Entirely your choice, but knowing how stingy he is, I would have no motivation to keep him in my life.

Why stay in touch with someone who makes you feel bad?

bin him off and it leaves space for lovely people whose values align with your's.

Omg OP just dump him already. He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. I dated a tighwad for a while (too long actually)- ghastly experience- I dumped him and told him exactly why. He wasn’t too tight at the start but got progressively worse (he had plenty of money btw). The saying “tight with money, tight with love” is so true. I felt so liberated once I’d done myself a huge favour and LTB. You can do better. You know it. Good luck!

He is mean with money so I imagine he will be mean in other aspects of his life.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like this. In your shoes, I’d knock this on the head.

Oh gosh sounds so off putting. I couldn't be bothered to see him again if all you do is have drinks, always counting money. I absolutely loved it when my now DH used to take me to various restaurants and bars and we were making memories that we can still look back to.

I would be very frank with him and tell him you’re splitting because he’s stingy with money. You’ve nothing to lose.

A tightwad in his 50s? Yuk, totally unattractive. Personally, I wouldn't hang around, life's too short.

There is, in my opinion, NOTHING less attractive than looking in a coffee shop window at all the drinks and cakes and having your partner only looking at the price list and then declaring that he can give you a coffee at home for nothing. It's like they don't understand that sometimes you just want a coffee or a sandwich or a meal out and, having had one of these types of man, they don't get any better. In fact, their world gets smaller and smaller until they regard spending money on tickets or entrance fees as ridiculous and unnecessary, so they pretty much stop going anywhere.

Good lord. You don't need that in your life. Pass.

If he's like this about drinks and meals out and doesn't go on holiday- this would be your life OP- at 57 that's no way to live if you both are 'doing ok'

This is very interesting. I have noticed in the time that I have known him he doesn't do anything, and it could easily be that his world has just got smaller because he doesn't believe in paying for anything. Doesn't go to the theatre or exhibitions or similar which is incredibly unusual for someone living in central London when he could literally walk to most places. He seems to constantly be considering IHT, doesn't mind setting up Trusts etc for tax avoidance and investing in bonds to pay IHT on his son's inheritance. But doesn't actually seem to see the point in taking his son on holiday...

what a joyless existence. Being a tightarse is a full time occupation.

Sorry OP, but HOW have you been dating this horror for months?!

He wouldn’t get past a first date with me.