Would stinginess put you off?

[Ohwellithappens]

I met a guy OLD. We have been seeing each other one day a week and we message every day. In many respects he is great. He's really witty, clever and well read. But his attitude to money is very different to mine. To put this in context we both own our own homes without a mortgage in London, I earn very good money and he earns more so easily over £150k and he has just received a large inheritance and seems to spend a lot of time sorting out tax issues relating to it.
We meet for coffee etc and it's like he is totting up who paid the £6.50 for two coffees last, usually I will pay if I am near the till, it's really not an issue for me. But on the one occasion we went for dinner, he picked a restaurant that frankly a 21 year old would take a date to and I offered to pay towards the bill and he accepted..it was £30.00, which in my world is nothing and less so in his , but I was quite taken back. A few nights ago we went for drinks in a brasserie, lots of couples were having drinks and food, he suggested wine which we sipped for 1.5 hours, he didn't suggest getting food even though it was 8.00pm and then when we left accepted my offer of £10.00 to cover half the bill, the waitress actually rolled her eyes to me. We are mid 50s, affluent, I dress with a lot of effort, I turn up looking very nice, I make an effort to be there. It's really annoying me, it's like he is keeping tabs. I haven't suggested going to some places because he just will go on about the cost...

I wonder if you’ve picked up the guy another MNetter dumped for being a tight wad recently…

He does sound tight and I would find it pretty unattractive if he refused to pay his way and totted up what he spent to the penny but this sounds like you don't expect to pay either.
Nothing wrong with splitting bills if you are both decent earners and it does not speak to a lack of dignity.

@cinnamonda I suggested a place that's lovely, it's a wine bar but an elegant one. He actually offered to pay and for weeks later was moaning about the cost.
He definitely has other qualities but ultimately I believe that money is to enhance the experiences in my life. He isn't someone who enjoys spending money. One thing I don't like in a relationship is taking the initiative on everything we do....I will happily pick a restaurant but I don't want to have to pick everyone. I have friends (a couple) who are lovely but I don't like eating out with them because they look at the prices of everything not the experience. Part of being older with money is to enjoy life - I haven't suggested going away with him, because I honestly think he would faint at the cost.

I dated a dentist like this. It was bloody embarrassing. He took me to a very nice restaurant on a Saturday night at 8. I thought we were having dinner so was pretty dressed up. When we got there the maitre d asked if we had a reservation and he said no we just want a drink in the bar. Sat there while everyone around us had a drink and then got shown to a table. I cut the date short and never accepted another date off him.

Stinginess completely would put me off. You can enjoy simple things in life but that mindset will never stop even when we are talking about a few pennies. I would run a mile. You probably end up paying as easier than to discuss with the stingy one. Never again for me.

Yes, if you keep offering, he will think you are fine with this. You aren’t, so why pretend?

We are mid 50s, affluent, I dress with a lot of effort, I turn up looking very nice, I make an effort to be there.

Yet you can’t open your mouth and say Right, I’ll have some food to go with the wine, you want some too? You just sit there sipping wine and watching other couples eat, for hours like a lemon.

Was your mum like this too, or where did you get the passiveness from.

You should just order food if your hungry, if you feel awkward eating a main meal while he just has a drink, order some olives or light bites.
Or just meet at weatherspoons.

@Ohwellithappens

when you are both in a financially comfortable position where your choices of venue/menu don't need to be restricted by the ££ it is utterly miserable to be with someone counting the pennies & complaining about the cost afterwards.

dont waste this stage of life on a man like this. If you really like him as a person, keep him in the £6 coffee club!!

Oh dear he is terrible. You seem very reasonable.
I hope you find someone that suits your style, don’t settle for less.
Best of luck to you

Ah here we are.

yes he sounds a bit tight, but you’re also expecting him to always pay for dates. You’re grumpy because he won’t suggest food or pay for it, yet you don’t either. Old fashioned is just code for “wants the man to pay”

Your 57 and he is around your age as well. You both have good jobs and income. He has mentioned to you that he has been left money as well.
What's the point of working hard to earn a good income without enjoying the odd nice meal out or a nice holiday at yours age's?
You feel as well that he would complain if you said lets go to x restaurant or holiday because of the cost.
I can understand being stingy if your starting off in a job and not on good pay or if your trying to buy a house but this is not the case. I have relatives like him and it got worse as they got older. It was like the only pleasure they had was looking at their bank balance and moaning about the cost of everything.

I would end things with him and be very honest about the reason why.

I think you'll find old-fashioned ideals of dating are dead.

You are not well-matched. I have a friend who is just like him. When the bill comes, she spends 15-20 minutes with her calculator dividing the bill. 15 people eating and drinking this can take an age. She calculates her staff's payments for that week to the nearest penny. It's funny that she is very wealthy but controls her money and time.
Once people reach a certain age, it is very unlikely that they will become more flexible.
Cest la vie.

Yep, you are right.He sucks the joy out of life.

Well OP may not of known if she never ever offered. He's tight OP! Massive red flag. Run.

I am 65 OP and so is my partner! Astonishingly, I still find myself capable of speaking up and having some agency over what happens on a date...

However, you have said that he 'sucks the joy out of life' so get rid asap.

So joyless.
I could not live my life like this.
You’re such a catch OP (from what you’ve said about yourself and situation)! Why settle for this one? X

no I really couldn’t be bothered with this! Been there, T-shirt got etc. It only gets worse

I'm in my 50s and would expect to pay my share on dates. I'd also say I want to eat if I was hungry.

@Ohwellithappens replied to wrong poster I think. X

When I started dating my BF I never offered to split and never offered contributions however I wanted to pay for the whole thing I invited him and told upfront it is on me

Better than playing games and he quicly realised that he would have to assume he is paying always

(call me what you want btw)

But
He earns 3x more than me
and
He doesn’t pay for my personal bills

100% this, ^^ order and pay for your own food - let it be known that’s what you expect

I understand how you feel. Although this guy wouldn't pick a nice restaurant. And I agree it feels so uncomfortable. The other evening everyone was enjoying meals and this guy who picked the place didn't offer a thing. I could have said " let's eat" but if you really sense that's literally "not on the menu" then it's awkward to do so.

I want a nice evening out not an emotional battle zone. Obviously he is dumped now.

@bitesthedust yes, this is how my previous relationships worked. I would pick up a hotel bill (paid in advance) or pay a thank you meal.
It's not obviously for everyone.
This guy counts pennies.