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Original poster

Ex wife ruining relationship

119 replies

Simplewords · 09/08/2024 13:46

Hi first timer posting but I'm hoping to get a little advice or is it just me....
Background info:
I am 55 with 3 grown up boys who all left home many years ago.
I am divorced and in 2020 I met a guy online and been with him since .
He has 2 children by 2 X wives (1 each ex) but he is a hands on dad and has them 50% of the time living with him.
The girls are now 18 and 11.
I was aware of this when I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.
I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage.
The children are not a problem but the last ex wife is!
She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.
Tells him the child must never say to people I'm her step mum.
I was rushed to hospital from work with chest pains early this year as I'm waiting open heart surgery and of course my partner rushed straight to the hospital and as it was his day to have child he had to get someone to pick her up from school and take her to her mum's after she finished work.
She texted my partner to say even though she hopes I'm ok the child should be his number one priority which it is with her. (Sorry but I checked his phone and saw this text) He didn't even stand up to her and say I was really ill.
We take it in turns having kids every other weekend and even though we were taking her away on holiday for 2 weeks we still had to have her on our set weekend which then made it 3 weekends
I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!
The last straw was when she said the child wants her bedroom painted as it's a bit babyish for her. That's fine I get that. But again she's constantly saying when are you going to get it done!!
When I asked my partner to decorate the hallway he said no decorating is a winter job and we will do it then.
Next minute he's casually saying to me oh I might just quickly paint childs room while she's away! Even though I commented a few weeks ago that she will need to wait as we can get new furniture for her and she needs to sort her toys out that she doesn't want.
I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!
She pulls all his strings and as she is a person who loves drama wants to think she's in charge and can tell him what to do still.
He's so wanting not to pee her off and have no drama in case she turns round and says she's not staying with us anymore but he's playing into her hands and it's making me think if I've made a huge mistake. I know it's going to get worse as she starts secondary school with all the potential issues that can bring.
We were going to get married but I've said no because the ex will interfere, with oh the child is upset or she doesn't like the dress or I'm still not to be known as step mum. The partner didn't say to me well I will tell her to butt out he just didn't say anything.
She is in a relationship with someone although they don't live together.
I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped
If I decide to leave he will have to pay me out and possibly lose the house and I don't want that for him and the children as it's always been their family home.
I love the children and I love my partner and it's not about them they are good kids and they get on with me. It's the constant interfering from the ex of the youngest.
Sorry for the long post x

OP posts:
DixonD · 09/08/2024 13:50

That poor child.

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 13:51

I think that you aren't cut out to be with a man who already has children, no judgement I wouldn't be either.
Any issues here are down to your partner, he is the only one who can do anything about any of this and he is either too weak or doesn't think he should
Either way its probably best you break up with him or accept that this is your life

DixonD · 09/08/2024 13:51

I hope she’s not aware of this resentment.

ActualChips · 09/08/2024 13:52

'I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped'

You've chosen to make your life worse and be financially insecure, there was no need to do this. Regain financial security, enjoy life. Only date a bloke if he hugely, hugely enhances your life.

Aprilmaymum · 09/08/2024 13:52

It is difficult as she is the mum of his DC and he doesn’t want to rock the boat. As you say this will not get any better for at least the next 7 years and uou have to decide if you can live with it. If you can’t you need to make the difficult choice to move on.
good luck

Starlight1979 · 09/08/2024 13:52

I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!

Or maybe it's because he wants to see his daughter because she's going on holiday and he won't see her for two weeks?

NotaCoolMum · 09/08/2024 13:52

this is a DP problem not an ex wife problem.

DixonD · 09/08/2024 13:53

You will have to accept that the child will always come first, at least while a minor. And I don’t see why the ex can’t tell him/update even with trivial stuff. Parents living together do this, and it’s nice that she tells him stuff.

raincloudsandholidays · 09/08/2024 13:54

Starlight1979 · 09/08/2024 13:52

I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!

Or maybe it's because he wants to see his daughter because she's going on holiday and he won't see her for two weeks?

Exactly

SonicTheHodgeheg · 09/08/2024 13:55

It’s your partner and not the ex that’s the problem.

I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped

You should put yourself first and leave because hai behaviour will inevitably lead to resentment anyway. You deserve to be someone’s priority and have a partner who wants you to be happy.

Original poster
Simplewords · 09/08/2024 13:59

I have no issues with the child coming first. The issue is that the ex feels it's ok to text and call at anytime of the day and night and tells him what to do and when. Plus he thinks it's ok for that to happen.
They can always communicate when the child goes back to other parent and not phoning up everyday !

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 09/08/2024 13:59

I love the children

Mmmm sorry but I don't believe this. You sound massively jealous and resentful of your DSD and their relationship with your DP.

It is absolutely on business of yours when your DP decides to decorate his daughter's room. Likewise, no business of yours if he wants to have her on weekends that "aren't his weekends". We often have DSD on nights / weekends we aren't meant to you - once they get to that age (high school onwards) the routine isn't as strict anymore and so if she wants to spend more time with us then she can do.

If you're this bothered about his ex dictating his - and by default, your - life (which tbh it doesn't even sound that bad to me - I've heard far worse!) then I would just cut my losses and leave. To say you're not going to get married to him because of his Ex is just petty and immature. She will always be the mother of his children and always be in his life and you're not going to be able to deal with it.

SamW98 · 09/08/2024 14:01

Hoppinggreen · 09/08/2024 13:51

I think that you aren't cut out to be with a man who already has children, no judgement I wouldn't be either.
Any issues here are down to your partner, he is the only one who can do anything about any of this and he is either too weak or doesn't think he should
Either way its probably best you break up with him or accept that this is your life

Agree. Thats the main reason as someone a similar age to the OP I would never get involved with a man with school age kids.

Absolutely his DD should be his number one priority and it’s something that needs to be accepted when you get involved with a man with kids.

I don’t see the ex as doing much wrong if I’m honest.

ActualChips · 09/08/2024 14:02

Simplewords · 09/08/2024 13:59

I have no issues with the child coming first. The issue is that the ex feels it's ok to text and call at anytime of the day and night and tells him what to do and when. Plus he thinks it's ok for that to happen.
They can always communicate when the child goes back to other parent and not phoning up everyday !

Your boyfriend is ok with this, so you either accept it or dump him. It's simple.

KhakiShaker · 09/08/2024 14:03

Controlling exes are a nightmare. But I agree with other people, this is an issue with your DP. If he doesn’t stand up to her then absolutely nothing will change.

You’ll have to accept there are some things he won’t agree with you on though.

I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!

The above is one of those things. He wants to see his daughter. I suspect that if you didn’t have these other issues then you’d be able to see that, but I imagine the situation as a whole is clouding your judgement.

Is there a court order? If he’s genuinely worried that the ex will withhold the child then it may be a good idea to formalise the current arrangement. No good parent should be worried about their child being withheld.

If he refuses to change then you’ll just need to decide if it’s worth it. I had this same issue with my DPwhen his son was a toddler. It was all consuming. I decided to stay, and after a few years DP cracked and stood up to the ex. He took her to court and was granted 50/50. He and ex now communicate through a third party which isn’t ideal but it works, and it’s more peaceful for all concerned.

StormingNorman · 09/08/2024 14:04

Simplewords · 09/08/2024 13:59

I have no issues with the child coming first. The issue is that the ex feels it's ok to text and call at anytime of the day and night and tells him what to do and when. Plus he thinks it's ok for that to happen.
They can always communicate when the child goes back to other parent and not phoning up everyday !

He obviously enjoys this style of co-parenting and level of involvement in his daughter’s life. If you can’t get on board with his style of parenting and move on from your jealousy of his relationship with the ex, you need to rethink the relationship.

AutumnFroglets · 09/08/2024 14:04

I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!

It's not. Unless you have been added to the deeds as well? What is the actual sale split if you decide to leave? I suspect you paying the mortgage is equivalent to you paying rent/lodging and you have no rights.

But anyway, the only person who can stop this is your lovely but spineless man. And he won't because he will always prioritise his child over you every single time. So now is the time to accept this dynamic or use your savings and buy your own house again. Then decide whether to continue this relationship.

Starlight1979 · 09/08/2024 14:06

StormingNorman · 09/08/2024 14:04

He obviously enjoys this style of co-parenting and level of involvement in his daughter’s life. If you can’t get on board with his style of parenting and move on from your jealousy of his relationship with the ex, you need to rethink the relationship.

Show quote history

Exactly. Maybe he wants to know when she's ill / not eating / needs new clothes / whatever. He is her dad and is allowed to have as much or little involvement in his kids life as he wants.

And fair play, the majority of posts you read on here, the dads are slated for not doing / being interested enough!

You just need to move on OP. This will never work for you.

JIMMI85 · 09/08/2024 14:06

You seem to be very resentful of the children.

Also, you say if you leave he will have to buy you out and might lose his home.

If you are ONLY on the mortgage, and NOT on the deeds, it's still his home, you are just responsible for the mortgage being paid. If you decide to leave, you will be taken off the mortgage but he has no legal right to give you any share of the house.

To put simply, the deed is the legal document that proves who holds title to a property, while a mortgage is an agreement between a financial lender and borrower to repay the amount borrowed to purchase a home.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/08/2024 14:07

Agree with others, this is the style of co-parenting he is happy with. That’s his choice. If you aren’t happy with it then that’s your choice, you don’t have to stay with him and put up with it though.

Original poster
Simplewords · 09/08/2024 14:08

It's very difficult to write down how she is and I'm not going to try and explain it as you have made up your mind and views on this.
When we got together we discussed all my concerns about having our time alone and set days but the days now just change when she wants them to.
I have no issues with the other mother and she has never interfered in our lives so why should I have to put up with constant calls and texts when we are having time on our own!
Does he really need to know that his child went to the cinema when she knows we are away on a weekend break!

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 09/08/2024 14:09

While I can sympathize with you wanting to be a priority, you are being unreasonable. He wants to see his daughter. Of course he does - would you really want to be with a man who did not? as for the decorating, I agree with your DP but if the child is away that is a great time to do what needs to be done. I would do similar. You made choices. I know a lot of people who wont date people with children for these reasons. It is not easy. And requires a lot of compromise. Which does not sound like it is working out for you as you would like it to.

raincloudsandholidays · 09/08/2024 14:10

@Simplewords

"Does he really need to know that his child went to the cinema when she knows we are away on a weekend break!"

Yeah, he does if he's responding to her and that's not a bad thing.

SamW98 · 09/08/2024 14:11

Surely you understand there’s a huge difference between his need to be involved with his adult offspring compared to his 11 year old?

She’s a child and he’s being as hands on a dad as possible which is to his credit.

Original poster
Simplewords · 09/08/2024 14:12

The child has a phone and she can call him anytime she wants or needs to, but come on why does the ex need to!

OP posts: