Ex wife ruining relationship

[Simplewords]

Hi first timer posting but I'm hoping to get a little advice or is it just me....
Background info:
I am 55 with 3 grown up boys who all left home many years ago.
I am divorced and in 2020 I met a guy online and been with him since .
He has 2 children by 2 X wives (1 each ex) but he is a hands on dad and has them 50% of the time living with him.
The girls are now 18 and 11.
I was aware of this when I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.
I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage.
The children are not a problem but the last ex wife is!
She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.
Tells him the child must never say to people I'm her step mum.
I was rushed to hospital from work with chest pains early this year as I'm waiting open heart surgery and of course my partner rushed straight to the hospital and as it was his day to have child he had to get someone to pick her up from school and take her to her mum's after she finished work.
She texted my partner to say even though she hopes I'm ok the child should be his number one priority which it is with her. (Sorry but I checked his phone and saw this text) He didn't even stand up to her and say I was really ill.
We take it in turns having kids every other weekend and even though we were taking her away on holiday for 2 weeks we still had to have her on our set weekend which then made it 3 weekends
I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!
The last straw was when she said the child wants her bedroom painted as it's a bit babyish for her. That's fine I get that. But again she's constantly saying when are you going to get it done!!
When I asked my partner to decorate the hallway he said no decorating is a winter job and we will do it then.
Next minute he's casually saying to me oh I might just quickly paint childs room while she's away! Even though I commented a few weeks ago that she will need to wait as we can get new furniture for her and she needs to sort her toys out that she doesn't want.
I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!
She pulls all his strings and as she is a person who loves drama wants to think she's in charge and can tell him what to do still.
He's so wanting not to pee her off and have no drama in case she turns round and says she's not staying with us anymore but he's playing into her hands and it's making me think if I've made a huge mistake. I know it's going to get worse as she starts secondary school with all the potential issues that can bring.
We were going to get married but I've said no because the ex will interfere, with oh the child is upset or she doesn't like the dress or I'm still not to be known as step mum. The partner didn't say to me well I will tell her to butt out he just didn't say anything.
She is in a relationship with someone although they don't live together.
I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped
If I decide to leave he will have to pay me out and possibly lose the house and I don't want that for him and the children as it's always been their family home.
I love the children and I love my partner and it's not about them they are good kids and they get on with me. It's the constant interfering from the ex of the youngest.
Sorry for the long post x

what is the problem:

' I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.'

are the proceeds of your house sale safe in your bank account ?

' I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage. '

that's fine, you can be removed from the mortgage, and removed from the deeds

and it's all very easy as you are not married

thus you buy a new house with your money
and he pays his mortgage for his house with his money as he was doing before he met you / you moved in

I’m a step mum and know many, this is entirely a DP problem. He’d rather piss you off than his ex and currently he knows it’s worth it as you’ll complain less than she will.

He answers every message, picks up every call, agrees to every change. He does so because he wants to it thinks it’s the path of least resistance. It’s been 4 years and it’s not going to change so given you’re already unhappy and understandably resentful I’d walk away.

If he has to sell up to give you back your money that’s tough luck. He’s not ready to be with someone in a fully committed relationship while pandering so much to his ex. Think about the sunk costs and don’t waste more years feeling like this.

oh dash ! I never used the bold key but hey ho ! I suppose it emphasises my point

I agree.
Keeping his ex happy is more important than keeping you happy.
Thats not her fault its his and you have every right to expcet more but you won't get it so what are you going to do?
Blaming the person who is actually causing the issue (him) would be a good start

I can see your point, completely - sounds like the ex-wife is a mumsnetter 😆😆
Sadly, I doubt your DP will change his ways to suit how you feel; he probably feels stuck too.

You want him to "man up" to her but you must realise by now that he simply isn't going to.

You aren't in control of that but you are in control of whether you are going to carry on being with him or not.

How it is now is unlikely to change so the question is - can you live like this or not?

Thankyou I seem to be getting a bashing here!
I am great with the children and we have a great time together. There are no issues at all involving them, they are great kids (even if the eldest is 18 she is not your typical 18 yr old and is very young looking and super brainy!)
The issue is the ex wife she remains very controlling over his life still and he's happy to go with the flow.
I've seen her temper when she doesn't get her own way so please don't anyone think she's sweetness and nice.
She is aware I don't want her calling all the while but continues to do so.
If it was a man who was controlling his ex wife the answers would be very different I suspect.
It's hard to put into words how it really is and feels.
We recently came back from our holiday and I washed all the child's clothes and dried them, only for her to call and say they were damp and she's washed them again!! They were more than dry!
I know I'm always going to either sound jealous or deranged to others on here but I love my partner and his children but I feel that love is not enough if I can't deal with the constant stepping on eggshells when she calls to have yet another moan.

He should be prepared to block her if she doesn't meet his polite request.

That is batshit advice. They have a good co-parenting relationship. Why would he screw that up and start blocking the mother of his child just because OP is insecure and can't cope with a msg to say DD has been to the cinema? OP has to accept how their relationship is and if her DP doesn't meet her polite request to be less available, she's the one who should move out, take her name off the deeds, and block him. Mad that he put her on the deeds of his family home tbh but I guess that's when marriage was on the cards. Better that that's not happened and OP finds someone without children who still need parenting and comms with exes.

My payment of my house went into his home so I have no savings just what's in the house.

Agreed!

The question of what happens in an emergency is a consideration, but no-one should be forced to endure frequent continued unwanted communications from someone.

If the frequent continued communications are wanted, though, that is a DP problem.

We recently came back from our holiday and I washed all the child's clothes and dried them, only for her to call and say they were damp and she's washed them again!! They were more than dry!

Either she called you to say that - you have no reason to take her calls
OR
She called your OH to say that and presumably he told her to bugger off (or similar)
She is only a problem because you (your OH) are allowing it

I honestly can’t see a problem with your DP or his ex’s behaviour. They sound like very effective co-parents. You need to accept that your DP is a father 24/7, whether it’s his ‘day’ or not. A text message isn’t intrusive.

If you want a man to put you first to the exclusion of all others, a father probably isn’t the best option for you. There is no judgement there. But if you take on a father and still expect that level of attention and commitment, you will end up very disappointed. His child should always be his priority.

OP she doesn’t care what you want, she doesn’t need to. Your boyfriend doesn’t mind her ringing, so she does, it really doesn’t matter to her whether you like it or not.

100%

When the ex didn't like it when partner said no to her she blocked him but also wouldn't let him speak to child for a week and kept her away even though they have an official shared co-parenting agreed by courts.

You were only together for 2 years when you decided to give up your financial security for this man, who had a young child, around 9 at the time? It wasn't very sensible.

i hope the child doesn't sense your resentment. You're the one that moved into her home.

The best thing would be to cut your losses here, the only other option would be to break down the relationship between your partner and their child's mum if you're so unhappy about it.

Agree.
Or learn to live with it.

But he already had the house and was presumably managing to pay the mortgage. Pretty mad to put all your ££ into it before living together a while to see it this was really a long-term commitment. But I guess love makes us do mad things. Regardless, if he had to remortgage to pay you back a chunk (less what you'd paid in to cover your time there), why could he not keep the house and keep paying on it?

Bottom line though, that's not your problem. If you don't want to live like this, arrange to get off the deeds etc, take what money you can get back and move out.

@Simplewords There have been many similar threads about step families and I'd usually side with the Dad and ex (within reason) but I do think you're getting a bashing on here OP and I don't think it's fair.

It seems as if you genuinely care for the children (which is not always the case on the other threads) and the way the ex asked for her child to be number 1 priority when you were in an emergency in hospital and dad HAD sorted a pick up, was really heartless.

It is your DP that really needs to step up here and put some boundaries up. Maybe if the ex is this demanding to her ex, she's a nightmare mum as well and perhaps all of this 'going along' is to protect his DD for any complaints/abuse from her mum?

Wishing you the best of luck though.

If you're not happy with the situation I think it's time to move on and find someone who makes you happy. I dont think it's an ex wife problem and your partner seems happy with the ex wife situation, only you see it as an issue. It would make sense to decorate her bedroom whilst she is away tbh.

It’s been like this for years. You took a risk by giving so much up and it’s not working. If it’s always been like this and he isn’t interested in changing it and you are unhappy there’s only one way to resolve it.

My son has been away with his dad, I had him more before hand because I wanted to be with him. If my dp was pissy about it I would tell him to piss off, putting it bluntly.

This will never, never change, @Simplewords. I know you are angry and frustrated - much of it justified, imo - but it won't change. Work from there.

OP YANBU - she sounds very annoying and your partner is a wet lettuce. Sorry you're getting a bashing from some posters, unfortunately that's par for the course on these posts. I too would have suggested you ask to get this moved to the step-parenting forum except the batshit projecting First Wives' Club invades there as well with the constant "you knew he had children"/"you don't like the child" nonsense when it's the behaviour of her parents that's the issue!

No concrete advice except have a good long talk with your partner and see if he can't at least restrict her phone access to certain time windows (look at the group settings or if need be, specific apps.) But you may indeed feel more at peace by splitting households. Surely he won't be bankrupted by paying you out given how long he's had this house- after all he was able to handle the mortgage before you ever moved in! Also, take a look at some of the threads on step-parenting that talk about how to mentally detach from the situation by "going nacho". If the vipers bother you, there's also a step-parenting forum on Reddit that seems to get less of the guilt-tripping. https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/

If does sound as though some boundaries need to be put in place, the constant messages from his ex about mundane things really aren’t necessary. Your partner could just send a ‘thumbs up’ in response, there’s no need for him to be texting back and forward. Especially when you are on weekends away. The rest of it, I’m not sure I’d be getting worked up about. If his daughter is going away for two weeks, of course he will want to see her the weekend before she goes. That is a sign of a decent parent. The decorating of her room, great you can do the hallway too, seen as how you’ll have the paint brushes out. Adding you to the mortgage and deeds was a mistake. He had been paying for the house himself before you moved in, so what about the equity he had already built up ? I hope he has protected that. He will be saving money now that his outgoings are reduced. So he should have the ability to ‘buy you out’ if it has only been two years.

How is your DP generally? Does he need a lot of 'management' from you in terms of being told to pick up his clothes, help around the house etc? I'm wondering if she felt she had to mother him a bit during their marriage and this dynamic has just continued- he accepts it because it's always been like this between them.

FWIW I don't see any resentment from you towards the children. It's perfectly possible to respect the children but find the ex wife intolerable.

If they have a child arrangements order she cannot stop him from seeing his daughter. I'd tell him that this way of doing things has to end now. He needs to let ex wife know that unless it's an emergency, she doesn't need to be getting in contact with him. If he doesn't want to tell her that, he can simply not respond unless it's necessary. She'll get the message in the end.