Ex wife ruining relationship

[Simplewords]

Hi first timer posting but I'm hoping to get a little advice or is it just me....
Background info:
I am 55 with 3 grown up boys who all left home many years ago.
I am divorced and in 2020 I met a guy online and been with him since .
He has 2 children by 2 X wives (1 each ex) but he is a hands on dad and has them 50% of the time living with him.
The girls are now 18 and 11.
I was aware of this when I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.
I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage.
The children are not a problem but the last ex wife is!
She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.
Tells him the child must never say to people I'm her step mum.
I was rushed to hospital from work with chest pains early this year as I'm waiting open heart surgery and of course my partner rushed straight to the hospital and as it was his day to have child he had to get someone to pick her up from school and take her to her mum's after she finished work.
She texted my partner to say even though she hopes I'm ok the child should be his number one priority which it is with her. (Sorry but I checked his phone and saw this text) He didn't even stand up to her and say I was really ill.
We take it in turns having kids every other weekend and even though we were taking her away on holiday for 2 weeks we still had to have her on our set weekend which then made it 3 weekends
I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!
The last straw was when she said the child wants her bedroom painted as it's a bit babyish for her. That's fine I get that. But again she's constantly saying when are you going to get it done!!
When I asked my partner to decorate the hallway he said no decorating is a winter job and we will do it then.
Next minute he's casually saying to me oh I might just quickly paint childs room while she's away! Even though I commented a few weeks ago that she will need to wait as we can get new furniture for her and she needs to sort her toys out that she doesn't want.
I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!
She pulls all his strings and as she is a person who loves drama wants to think she's in charge and can tell him what to do still.
He's so wanting not to pee her off and have no drama in case she turns round and says she's not staying with us anymore but he's playing into her hands and it's making me think if I've made a huge mistake. I know it's going to get worse as she starts secondary school with all the potential issues that can bring.
We were going to get married but I've said no because the ex will interfere, with oh the child is upset or she doesn't like the dress or I'm still not to be known as step mum. The partner didn't say to me well I will tell her to butt out he just didn't say anything.
She is in a relationship with someone although they don't live together.
I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped
If I decide to leave he will have to pay me out and possibly lose the house and I don't want that for him and the children as it's always been their family home.
I love the children and I love my partner and it's not about them they are good kids and they get on with me. It's the constant interfering from the ex of the youngest.
Sorry for the long post x

Maybe your DP doesn't mind her changing dates and times as he wants to see his daughter more? Maybe he wants to know when she's been to the cinema?

Why is it all his ex's fault?

Also, how often are you checking his phones to know the ins and outs of their messages?

My DPs ex texts about their daughter but I wouldn't have a clue the last time she text him, let alone what it said - that's their business, not mine!

Also the "other mother"? You mean the mother of the 18 year old adult? No I can't imagine she'd be texting saying her daughter needs a new bra 🙄

You might have discussed it together but your boyfriend has now changed his mind. He’s happy with the level of contact, the last minute changes etc because he’s engaging with it. YOU need to decide if you’re happy with that, if you’re not, leave.

But as an aside it is nice for him to know what his child is doing, I’d love the updates personally if my husband and I were to separate. Being on a weekend away doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate a text letting me know when my child has done something fun

Welcome to life with a step child. That’s the way it is, and don’t kid yourself it gets better when the kids are adults, it doesn’t. The only thing you can do is leave and find a man without kids, the relief is wonderful.

I don't see why a text update on what his child is doing bothers you. How is it ruining your weekend away to know she went to the cinema?
You sound resentful of the child.
When I'm away DH texts me photos or what DS has been doing, I want that! Your partner the father of the children is hands on you've said. Well parenting isn't regimented to a schedule and he will want to see them. So when they go on holiday of course he'll want to see them before and after because he's missed his usual time.

The only thing that strikes me as an overstep is the decorating and the child's mother asking when it will be done. Everything else is normal.
Of course she should update him when the child is unwell, needs school uniform etc.

FWIW before I had DC I would never have dated sometime who had them because they absolutely should come first, I wouldn't want to date someone who didn't believe that, but I also wouldn't want to come second to someone else's children. I was hospitalised recently, I went by myself so DH didn't have to wake DS at nearly midnight. My choice, because it's what is right for my child.
What would your partner have done if the person who picked up his DC and took them to her mum, but mum wasn't there? He needs to have back up plans or sort the child first then come to you. It's what parents do.

Agreed.

Oh bore off. Kid gets everything she could need/want by the sound of it. Save your fake sympathy for kids who have a really rough life.

Op has an issue with the Ex not the kid.

Let me guess, you're a First Wife.

This poster is right. At the end of the day your partner is happy doing what his ex says when she says it. He doesn’t see it as controlling or invasive and if he was on this thread then he’d probably say that he’s made lots of changes because of you too.

Forcing him to put his foot down makes you the new controlling person and you obviously don’t want to have to become more controlling because your partner is happy in his messed up co-parenting relationship with the ex. Everybody else thinks that you are the problem because they are happy with the current dynamic. Any little changes that he’s made because of you makes you look like the unreasonable person because they can’t see the bigger picture that an outsider can see. Ideally people like your partner should stick to casual dating but they can’t see the dysfunction and how it affects others. make everyone’s life easier and leave them to it.

You are 100% correct that it’s going to get worse during the teen years and the question of contact and holidays will look tame in comparison.

Life is short and nobody is going to thank you for the sacrifices you make for this relationship. It’s ok to say that men with kids are not for you - plenty of people avoid dating parents with lots of
custody because of dynamics like this.

My DS is 19 now and I am still in fairly regular contact with his dad (my ex H) about him. When he was school age we’d be texting most days - it’s about having a positive amicable Co parenting relationship for the benefit of a kid.

I am on the deeds of the house.
I just want him to man up to her!
Their relationship was very volatile on her part and she is still acting the same way.

If that is the case he should say so then, and own it. He can then talk honestly with the OP about the situation instead of hiding behind his e -wife's skirts.

As others have said, a DP problem.

'man up' oh dear

And he is happy with how it is OP! You either get on board or you get out.

If my husband and I separated now and I was dating again there’s no chance I’d be letting my new boyfriend dictate changes to our contact/co parenting.

I wish my ex was your partner and had a good amount of involvement In his child's life. My ex couldn't give a damn about his children

I don't think the boyfriend or the ex are the problem. The OP is with her jealousy and childishness.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP…the problem is no boundaries with his ex wife!
He seems to jump and do as she says.
If I was in your shoes I’d feel like you do…it’s not a situation I’d like to be in …
I don’t think you are being unreasonable feeling the way you do.

No one has an issue with this except you. You can't change him or anyone else. You either put up with it or you move on. Wanting him to 'man up' is pointless. He's happy with this level of involvement and really I don't see what the problem is if he sees his DD before she goes away for a fortnight or paints her room while she's away or is interested to know that she's been to the cinema. Your issue is this idea that he's under the thumb of the ex and you want him to stand up to her by doing what you want (being under your thumb) instead. Perhaps better to accept that he's actually doing what he wants and what he feels is best for his DD than dancing to either your tune or the ex's.

My ex and I still speak and text about our kids (20&22) most weeks. If we’d split when they were teens or younger we would be in daily contact. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect radio silence between visitation. It’s good he’s an involved dad. If he doesn’t want as much contact then surely he only has to not respond to her messages so quickly. But it doesn’t sound like it’s him who has a problem with it.

She’s not unreasonable to feel however she feels, but she’s unreasonable to make demands on him to change things.

When you start a relationship with someone who already has children and an existing co-parent relationship, you accept that into your life. You don’t arrive and decide to make demands for changes. If you’re not happy you walk away.

His relationship with his child and his ex (as his child’s mother) far pre-dates OP, it’s that ex who is in his life for the rest of his life, graduation, house moves, new jobs, engagement, weddings, grand babies, she’s always going to be a big and important part of his life. OP clearly can’t deal with that and so if not just leave.

You have a problem with your DP.
He needs to ration when he will accept any communication via his phone.
He should try looking at his phone every two hours, turning his phone off when on holidays and every evening.
He should politely ask his exwife to not call as much.
He should be prepared to block her if she doesn't meet his polite request. That might upset her but he can unblock her and request again until she is more thoughtful and respectful of his privacy, and block her again if need be.

Ask DP to bat for your relationship, while continuing to be an attentive father. Point out that the ex is unreasonable.

Op, there's a step parenting forum where you I think you will get more empathic responses.
I don't think you sound resentful of the child at all. You've said nothing negative about them at all.

You are not being unreasonable on this point. OP. Your OH is not respecting your relationship if he doesn't see that being at all times available to respond to his ex is a massive no-no.

People here can position this as him being an interested and attentive dad , who really really wants and needs to hear all this stuff because it is fascinating. But I see it as her butting in deliberately, and him not putting up a boundary. And the fact that he is scared of her withholding access is a key to her nasty character.

Don't let the anti step- mum posters persuade you you are wrong to want him to stand up to her and put boundaries in place.

You sound incredibly resentful of the child coming first. How would you have wanted your children to be treated if they’d been the same age when you met your DP? Of course he wants to see her before she goes away for 2 weeks - he sounds like a caring, involved dad making the most of any opportunity he gets to spend time with his child.

If I’m reading your opening post correctly you are now the 3rd women this man has added to the deeds of his house, the third woman to consider this house her family home and he will have to buy you out if you leave as he did the first two.
He doesn’t seem financially very sensible, whatever his skills as a dad. You giving up your home and moving away from friends and family was also not very sensible.

Given the child is 11 and you have been together for 4 years, presumably this was her home too during the marriage? For you to be so high handed about it being your home when it’s been the home of 2 children and 2 ex wives long before you is lacking some awareness. That scenario would have raised red flags for most people - you can make an unwise decision once, after that it’s a pattern.

What decent parent TURNS THEIR PHONE OFF when on holiday and every evening???!

Honestly the worst advice I’ve ever seen. Because everyone knows kids only have emergencies 9-5 and never need a single thing when their parent is away or on holiday ?? 🤣

An aside, but it’s your house too so get the hallway decorated, as no, it’s a. Not a winter job and b. Not his sole decision.

but, I’d move on. Him affording a house after that isn’t your problem.