Ex wife ruining relationship

[Simplewords]

Hi first timer posting but I'm hoping to get a little advice or is it just me....
Background info:
I am 55 with 3 grown up boys who all left home many years ago.
I am divorced and in 2020 I met a guy online and been with him since .
He has 2 children by 2 X wives (1 each ex) but he is a hands on dad and has them 50% of the time living with him.
The girls are now 18 and 11.
I was aware of this when I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.
I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage.
The children are not a problem but the last ex wife is!
She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.
Tells him the child must never say to people I'm her step mum.
I was rushed to hospital from work with chest pains early this year as I'm waiting open heart surgery and of course my partner rushed straight to the hospital and as it was his day to have child he had to get someone to pick her up from school and take her to her mum's after she finished work.
She texted my partner to say even though she hopes I'm ok the child should be his number one priority which it is with her. (Sorry but I checked his phone and saw this text) He didn't even stand up to her and say I was really ill.
We take it in turns having kids every other weekend and even though we were taking her away on holiday for 2 weeks we still had to have her on our set weekend which then made it 3 weekends
I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!
The last straw was when she said the child wants her bedroom painted as it's a bit babyish for her. That's fine I get that. But again she's constantly saying when are you going to get it done!!
When I asked my partner to decorate the hallway he said no decorating is a winter job and we will do it then.
Next minute he's casually saying to me oh I might just quickly paint childs room while she's away! Even though I commented a few weeks ago that she will need to wait as we can get new furniture for her and she needs to sort her toys out that she doesn't want.
I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!
She pulls all his strings and as she is a person who loves drama wants to think she's in charge and can tell him what to do still.
He's so wanting not to pee her off and have no drama in case she turns round and says she's not staying with us anymore but he's playing into her hands and it's making me think if I've made a huge mistake. I know it's going to get worse as she starts secondary school with all the potential issues that can bring.
We were going to get married but I've said no because the ex will interfere, with oh the child is upset or she doesn't like the dress or I'm still not to be known as step mum. The partner didn't say to me well I will tell her to butt out he just didn't say anything.
She is in a relationship with someone although they don't live together.
I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped
If I decide to leave he will have to pay me out and possibly lose the house and I don't want that for him and the children as it's always been their family home.
I love the children and I love my partner and it's not about them they are good kids and they get on with me. It's the constant interfering from the ex of the youngest.
Sorry for the long post x

You fucked up when you sold your house, moved into his and started paying towards his mortgage. You now have no savings.

You sound resentful of his 11 yo child. Did you just think the child and the child’s mother would have no bearing on your life with this man? That you wouldn’t have to compromise?
You should have never got with a man with kids.
You don’t want to get married anymore, so what’s the plan? Will you hang around until his youngest child turns 18, and then marry him?

Did he add you to the property deeds?

Do you know if he intends to leave a percentage of his house to either of his children in his Will?

It's up to the OP then to decide what she has to do. She can't change either her DP nor the ex-wife. She can only change how she copes with their arrangement which suits them and their DC.
Incidentally OP, the longer you feel aggrieved (rightly or wrongly) the sooner 11 year old DC will pick up on it and your problems will get worse.

your partner is the problem

he has no boudaries, no ability to say no - its that simple

you made a mistake getting on his mortgage and moving in with him - you should have just stayed apart until the kids had flown the nest entirely, sold up BOTH houses and bought a new one together

that will never be your house in the kids heads - they live in their house, you will always feel like the outcast

Does DP know how you feel?
If he bought the other two out, he can buy you out?
Do you have any money left from sale of your house?

My god. Evil step mother indeed. This poor child is not a bloody burden! I can’t believe you're arguing over having the poor thing when it's "not our weekend" ffs

@Simplewords The issue is that the ex feels it's ok to text and call at anytime of the day and night

As she should, being his DD's mother. It's none of your business!!

I don't see anything wrong with the exes behaviour here.

Or maybe he is asserting his boundaries…with the OP.

I just can't get over how absolutely insane you would have to be at 55 years old (or any age to be honest) to sell your house, move in with a man you've known for 2 years and funnel all of your money into his twice ex-marital home. I'm genuinely gobsmacked.

Why does that bother you so much??? It’s a text message! And good for him for being as much part of his child’s life as he can.

You don't need to put up with it, you can be in a relationship with somebody without children.

I keep envisaging a big fat spider living in his web catching a fly, chewing on their body and then spitting their dried up husk out before looking for the next prey. Quite remarkable how he's managed it.

With the exception of the emergency surgery, I can't see that she's said or done anything wrong.

“he thinks it's ok for that to happen.”

There is your answer. He doesn’t have a problem with the ex wife or her communications. So, if you don’t like the dynamic, you should leave. It’s a shame that he will have to buy you out of the house and potentially lose it, however he would’ve known that when you went on the mortgage. That’s his life choice he has to live with.

Get out, move back to where you were before closer to friends and work and put it down to experience. You’ve learned some very valuable lessons here about not putting all your eggs in one basket.

Also, it seems your DP is a serial wedder. He already has 2 ex wives and was talking about marrying you. Red flag.

I wonder what the Op decided ? @Simplewords as it's almost 3 months since she posted her thread, and never returned to it after that day.

OP I feel your pain and I absolutely understand your frustration with this woman. She knows exactly what she’s doing and your DP needs to stand up to her, whilst maintaining a civil enough relationship for his kids sake. My DH had an exW like this, constantly whining about something, manipulating their children, then switching to being Mrs Reasonable/Helpful when she wanted/needed something, everything was her way or the highway. On the surface it was perfectly reasonable - except it wasn’t, it was deliberate, controlling and manipulative.
Fortunately children grow up and the minute she couldn’t screw more money out of him and he was able to make his own arrangements with his kids the contact stopped, he’s not heard a cheep from her in years now. It depends if you can grit your teeth until then.

Im divorced from my DD's dad. However, life changes, he needs to go away on what should be 'his' weekend and I will happily take our DD. To me, it's really not an issue. My ex needs time away as do I. But where children are concerned, this isn't a who had the child more..or less. This is parents trying to bend over backwards for their child stuck in the middle of divorce.
Now if you, a grown up, cant appreciate this and empathise, then, this life isnt for you. You sound really bitter rather than appreciating that life wont always swing your way.

this thread is 18 months old now, the Op @Simplewords never returned @itsnotalwaysthateasy @Gallusoldbesom

Sadly this will not change as her husband does not want to risk not seeing his daughter for at least 7 years. You need to decide if you can put up with it or not. If it was me I would be running for the hills. Good luck