Ex wife ruining relationship

[Simplewords]

Hi first timer posting but I'm hoping to get a little advice or is it just me....
Background info:
I am 55 with 3 grown up boys who all left home many years ago.
I am divorced and in 2020 I met a guy online and been with him since .
He has 2 children by 2 X wives (1 each ex) but he is a hands on dad and has them 50% of the time living with him.
The girls are now 18 and 11.
I was aware of this when I made the decision 2 years ago to sell my home and live with him.
I moved into his home (which was the home for both of his ex's which he paid them out) and I put my self on the mortgage.
The children are not a problem but the last ex wife is!
She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.
Tells him the child must never say to people I'm her step mum.
I was rushed to hospital from work with chest pains early this year as I'm waiting open heart surgery and of course my partner rushed straight to the hospital and as it was his day to have child he had to get someone to pick her up from school and take her to her mum's after she finished work.
She texted my partner to say even though she hopes I'm ok the child should be his number one priority which it is with her. (Sorry but I checked his phone and saw this text) He didn't even stand up to her and say I was really ill.
We take it in turns having kids every other weekend and even though we were taking her away on holiday for 2 weeks we still had to have her on our set weekend which then made it 3 weekends
I don't mind but she is now taking daughter on holiday for 2 weeks and has said we can have her for the weekend before they go away, but it's not our weekend and when I pointed this out to partner he first tried to make out the ex had the child when it wasn't her weekend to have her but I said no that's not true we did have her. Then he said we'll I won't see her for two weeks so that's why she's coming over. It's really because his ex has said you will have her and he just agrees!
The last straw was when she said the child wants her bedroom painted as it's a bit babyish for her. That's fine I get that. But again she's constantly saying when are you going to get it done!!
When I asked my partner to decorate the hallway he said no decorating is a winter job and we will do it then.
Next minute he's casually saying to me oh I might just quickly paint childs room while she's away! Even though I commented a few weeks ago that she will need to wait as we can get new furniture for her and she needs to sort her toys out that she doesn't want.
I know the ex is telling him to do it but it's my home not hers!
She pulls all his strings and as she is a person who loves drama wants to think she's in charge and can tell him what to do still.
He's so wanting not to pee her off and have no drama in case she turns round and says she's not staying with us anymore but he's playing into her hands and it's making me think if I've made a huge mistake. I know it's going to get worse as she starts secondary school with all the potential issues that can bring.
We were going to get married but I've said no because the ex will interfere, with oh the child is upset or she doesn't like the dress or I'm still not to be known as step mum. The partner didn't say to me well I will tell her to butt out he just didn't say anything.
She is in a relationship with someone although they don't live together.
I've given up so much for this relationship my family and friends live an hour away on a good day, I have to travel further to work. I've given up my home and feel trapped
If I decide to leave he will have to pay me out and possibly lose the house and I don't want that for him and the children as it's always been their family home.
I love the children and I love my partner and it's not about them they are good kids and they get on with me. It's the constant interfering from the ex of the youngest.
Sorry for the long post x

Um because I don't think an 11 year old is going to be texting her Dad that she needs a bra or a new school uniform.

He's a hard working guy and is happy to stand up for himself with others.
He helps around the home and helps out. He's great with his children . A great dad. But when it comes to the ex he just nods and agrees!

You've really fucked up, op. Getting involved with all of this drama, selling your home and putting your money into his home, it's a disaster. Why you've done all this is beyond me.

Get out of the relationship, get your money from the house, (how you'll do that is a mystery), and move on with your life.

The mother can just go and buy a bra and next time he sees her she can say I've got her some bras.

I'm afraid I have to agree with most other PPs here OP.

However much you may want things to change regarding the ex wife, while the daughter is still young it isn't going to happen. She probably knows how much she is winding you up with all her calls and info.

You can only change the way YOU deal with the situation because your DP has shown he won't change. If you can't cope any longer (it sounds like you are at the end of your tether) you will need to get him to buy you out of the house so that you can begin again.

Fine but she's not doing is she? She's texting her ex about it? And he's replying? And you're getting worked up about it but ultimately you are just an outsider and how he deals with his ex is his business.

I know some of my previous responses might have sounded a bit harsh so apologies but @Simplewords , your DP isn't going to change the way he lives his life and his communication with his ex regarding his daughter.

So you either learn to live with it and just accept that's how it is. Or you leave.

@Simplewords

You say you understand and agree that he should put his child first. You also say that you care about the child. I believe you. But here's the thing, he has the right to determine what is acceptable as far as his co-parenting relationship with his ex goes. If he feels his ex's level of communication is either acceptable or 'unacceptable but necessary' then that's his right. If you don't like it (I wouldn't either) then your options are to either grin and bear it or to end the relationship. What you don't have the right to do is demand he change it.

So bottom line is, is he 'worth' putting up with it or not? Personally, this type of situation is exactly why in my single days I never dated a man with children.

Another perspective might be that he just nods and agrees as it is the simplest path. If he argues, it probably makes both of your lives more difficult, so he doesn't.

That doesn't help you much, but as PP have said, I think you are going to have to suck it up until the youngest is older.

I agree that he should probably have said something before now, but he hasn't, and isn't likely to start now.

They don’t cease to exist on “your days”. He wants to be part of their life even on the days he doesn’t have them. He doesn’t have a problem with the level of communication - this is a you problem, not an ex problem, a DP problem or a co-parenting problem. You just aren’t happy with the set up you walked into.

I think some of what you say is fair and some isn’t.

A child should never be used as a weapon and, assuming the 11 year old has a phone, can communicate a lot of the day-to-day stuff directly. But parents do need to be able to communicate about their child without the child being the intermediary.

Having a go at your partner for seeing you when you were in hospital was very wrong. And it is none of the ex wife’s business when or if you redecorate a room.

I think you are wrong about the flexible day stuff. If a child is going on holiday with one parent, it is nice for the other parent to get some time with them before they go. You need to stay out of this side of things. It is your partner and his daughter’s house too.

I don’t think he’s a man with no boundaries; he just has boundaries wider than you would like.

Oh shit OP...and after only a couple of years together? 😳 I really hope you ring fenced that!!

When the ex didn't like it when partner said no to her she blocked him but also wouldn't let him speak to child for a week and kept her away even though they have an official shared co-parenting agreed by courts.
Then he needs to go back to court as his Ex is breaking the court agreement. Every single time. She won't want to be in contempt of court because judges REALLY hate being ignored.

You have a DP problem not an Ex problem or a child problem. Just him. Only he can change the dynamics but he doesn't want to. He's got your money, he's got you cleaning, cooking and washing his child's clothes. He's laughing at you and doing his own, sweet thing in the meantime.

Sorry if that's harsh but you seem blind to reality. Time to wake up.

She calls him, texts him about every little thing ! She will text if the child has a cold, feeling sick, not eating, telling him about buying school uniform and cost of it. Telling him that the child needs a bra, telling him to take child here and there.

It's his child and she's only 11 years old. Why shouldn't the parents an of an 11-year-old be talking about that sort of stuff? This seems normal to me. They each have her 50% of the time so obviously they are going to be talking about whatever's going on during the other 50% of the time. They're both equally her parents and the fact that they're no longer married doesn't mean they're not going to have conversations all the time about parenting her, which is what these conversations are.

Yes, his ex-wife is being shitty about the not calling you stepmum thing and about the fact that he went with you to the hospital. But that's for him to sort, and you wouldn't even have known about it if you hadn't taken it upon yourself to check his phone.

The painting the bedroom thing isn't any of the ex-wife's business because it's in your house, but my guess is that his daughter didn't want to moan about it and has asked her mum to say something instead. The fact that your partner decided to do it before the hallway is mildly annoying but really neither here nor there and not the fault of his ex-wife. Also, it would seem to make sense to do it while the daughter's on holiday and won't be needing to sleep in it, to be honest.

I'm sure his ex can indeed be a difficult and unpleasant woman but ultimately they are communicating about their child. And your DP doesn't have to answer texts late at night.

He nods and agrees because she is the mother of his child and he understandably doesn't want his child to be caught in the middle of her divorced parents arguing.

Why did you do this? Was it his idea or yours?

It is okay. It’s effective co parenting. That doesn’t mean you have to stay but nothing here sounds bad other than you expecting your dp to willingly not see his daughter for 2 weeks and not jump at the chance to have an extra weekend.

Is this for real?

I think you should have just moved in initially as a trial, before selling your place. It was quite quick after meeting him, I’m worried for your future finances, are they ring fenced if you split?

Did the ex not text him all the time before you moved in, so you could see it was happening? I agree the kids come first, but think your partner panders to his ex, there’s no way in the world she should be texting as often as she’s does, and he just puts up with it!

Well it's both let's be honest

She hasn’t come to terms with the fact that he’s her children’s’ dad but not her husband any more. I kinda get it- it must be very difficult (I know it is for you too)

But he doesn’t want to man up to her. He’s happy with the arrangements.

Is she being shitty about not calling the OP stepmum though? They aren't married, OP technically isn't stepmum. They've been together what, 4 years, in what sounds like a rushed relationship for whatever reason. How many stepmums have both his children had?

I don't think I'd want my child calling the OP stepmum either in this situation

How can he be an attentive father if he’s less involved in his child’s life and uncontactable in an emergency?

And why should he change the co-parenting dynamic if he’s happy with it?

It’s not a DP problem, it’s an OP is competing with the ex wife problem.

I don't think you sound resentful at all op. I think you sound pissed off with another woman dictating your life. There doesn't need to be constant communication and she shouldn't be involved with things like the colour of the dds bedroom at your house. But it's up to your dh to put some boundaries in place and he doesn't sound like he's ready to do that.

She wants to talk about her daughter with the daughter’s dad. Maybe she misses her. Let him paint his kids room for a nice surprise without making such a fuss. It’s much easier to decorate if she’s not there.
Chill out.