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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where is he really from?

146 replies

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:38

Been seeing a guy for a few weeks, seems to be going well.
Originally told me he was Greek, said parents were born there but he was raised in Turkey. Then I overheard him telling someone who served us in a cafe that he's of Azerbaijani origins (no idea who that conversation came up as I'd been in the toilet and later joined him in the queue).
Over the couple of weeks following this, I starting getting bit suspicious so asked if he'd show me his passport or UK visa so that I could be certain about his true nationality. Not that I have any problems with any nationality, I just need to know who he is and where he's really from! Like, seriously.
He got a bit cagey and said his passport is being held by the Home Office. I was like why on earth would that be? As far as I'm aware, none of the 3 countries he's mentioned so far are particularly dangerous, risky etc.
He said it's because there's an admin problem with the passport but refused to elaborate. I asked to see any national ID card or driving license etc but he said doesn't have them.
Google searches reveal nobody with the name he's been using. And it's a name that isn't particularly foreign-sounding. Think along the lines of "Johnny" or "Freddie".
How can I find out who he really is? I like him a lot but doesn't want to invest my time in a potential relationship with someone who either turns out to be lying about his nationality or maybe turns out to have no legal status in the UK.
Appearance wise, he's pretty generic looking... Could pass as being from anywhere Mediterrean, Middle East or Eastern Europe. Just don't know what do do. He speaks with an accent but I can't place it. I've never actually heard him speak his native language (whatever that might be), so can't even guess at what it is or would sound like.
What do I do?

OP posts:
AuCo44 · 08/08/2024 16:41

He's possibly here illegally.
Does he work for a company or do cash in hand jobs?
I would straight up ask him.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 08/08/2024 16:42

He's lying to you for some reason - is it worth waiting around to find out?

TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2024 16:43

Just get rid, he will be full of lies and not worth the brain power to go into detective mode.

cupcaske123 · 08/08/2024 16:43

Just move on.

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:45

AuCo44 · 08/08/2024 16:41

He's possibly here illegally.
Does he work for a company or do cash in hand jobs?
I would straight up ask him.

He said he works for a friend doing house removals, no idea whether on the books or cash in hand. I don't like to probe him too much on financial or work related things. I've been unable to find anything online confirming the removal company, so drew a blank. Also told me doesn't use social media... unusual considering he's got family living in several different countries if what he tells me is true.

OP posts:
Azandme · 08/08/2024 16:45

As the long-term partner of a legal immigrant this is setting alarm bells off for me.

He's hiding something. It's up to you if you want to stick around and find out what. I'd be gone on the basis that he's not being honest.

Kerkyra2024 · 08/08/2024 16:45

The fact that you've heard him telling someone else he is from somewhere different to where he told you sounds very cagey to me

Tel12 · 08/08/2024 16:47

Your gut is telling you that something's off. Perhaps you should listen?

UpUpUpU · 08/08/2024 16:49

sounds like he’s after a visa OP!

Notaflippinclue · 08/08/2024 16:50

For goodness sake

BaguetteLady · 08/08/2024 16:50

@shewhosellsshoes What do I do?

You drop him and block him. He's already shown himself to be a liar (and a clumsy one), and you have no way of knowing what else dodgy is going on.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/08/2024 16:52

I'm afraid this relationship is going nowhere and you will be better off getting out now.

SamW98 · 08/08/2024 16:52

Rather than spending time energy and effort digging around trying to find out whether any of the ever changing stories he’s told you are true, why not just dump his lying arse?

Does it matter if he’s from Greece, Turkey or Outer Mongolia - he’s a shady liar.

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:53

The thing is, I genuinely don't mind WHERE he's from! My sister suggested maybe he's ashamed of where he's from of worried about "scaring me off" if I know... Tbh, it's the not knowing that scares me.

OP posts:
Sunburnisrareinscotland · 08/08/2024 16:54

Run like hell. If he can't trust you with his true name and origin how can you trust him?

SaintHonoria · 08/08/2024 16:54

Bin him and find a man who's background isn't dodgy.

ChildlessCatLady · 08/08/2024 16:54

If he has lived in Turkey as a Turkish citizen of any age he will have been issued an ID card called a Kimlik (Türkiye Cumhuriyeti Kimlik Kartı). If he has come to the UK from abroad, he will have a passport or (very rarely, and likely only if he is stateless) a passport equivalent. It's not really plausible that he does not have and cannot get a copy or image of these documents.

SaintHonoria · 08/08/2024 16:54

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:53

The thing is, I genuinely don't mind WHERE he's from! My sister suggested maybe he's ashamed of where he's from of worried about "scaring me off" if I know... Tbh, it's the not knowing that scares me.

You're very naive. He is most likely using you.

YouMustBeHappyNow · 08/08/2024 16:55

Maybe he's Greek AND of Azerbaijani heritage. My Spanish relative's passport was held by the home office while they applied for leave to remain.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/08/2024 16:55

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:53

The thing is, I genuinely don't mind WHERE he's from! My sister suggested maybe he's ashamed of where he's from of worried about "scaring me off" if I know... Tbh, it's the not knowing that scares me.

He isn't ashamed of where he is from, he just wants to control the narrative he feeds you.

He is a liar op.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/08/2024 16:55

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:53

The thing is, I genuinely don't mind WHERE he's from! My sister suggested maybe he's ashamed of where he's from of worried about "scaring me off" if I know... Tbh, it's the not knowing that scares me.

Where he's from isn't the issue. He's either lying to you or lying to everyone else. There is something dodgy going on if he can't give you a straight answer.

Terrribletwos · 08/08/2024 16:56

And the removals job sounds totally unbelievable.

SauviGone · 08/08/2024 16:57

You have no clue who this guy is.

You don't know his name, his nationality, where he works, he apparently has no passport, driving license or any form of ID, he's not on any social media. I'm presuming you also don't know where he lives, as in you've never been to his home. Have you even seen his name on his bank credit/debit cards?

This sounds like the start of a true crime podcast.

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/08/2024 16:57

Does he have a UK bank account?

Chypre · 08/08/2024 16:59

Sounds a bit dodgy. Passports indeed can be held over several months during ILR process, but if that would be the case he would surely tell you (every person I knew that was going through ILR literally would NOT stop moaning, how long it takes and how they want to go on holiday already etc).