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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where is he really from?

146 replies

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:38

Been seeing a guy for a few weeks, seems to be going well.
Originally told me he was Greek, said parents were born there but he was raised in Turkey. Then I overheard him telling someone who served us in a cafe that he's of Azerbaijani origins (no idea who that conversation came up as I'd been in the toilet and later joined him in the queue).
Over the couple of weeks following this, I starting getting bit suspicious so asked if he'd show me his passport or UK visa so that I could be certain about his true nationality. Not that I have any problems with any nationality, I just need to know who he is and where he's really from! Like, seriously.
He got a bit cagey and said his passport is being held by the Home Office. I was like why on earth would that be? As far as I'm aware, none of the 3 countries he's mentioned so far are particularly dangerous, risky etc.
He said it's because there's an admin problem with the passport but refused to elaborate. I asked to see any national ID card or driving license etc but he said doesn't have them.
Google searches reveal nobody with the name he's been using. And it's a name that isn't particularly foreign-sounding. Think along the lines of "Johnny" or "Freddie".
How can I find out who he really is? I like him a lot but doesn't want to invest my time in a potential relationship with someone who either turns out to be lying about his nationality or maybe turns out to have no legal status in the UK.
Appearance wise, he's pretty generic looking... Could pass as being from anywhere Mediterrean, Middle East or Eastern Europe. Just don't know what do do. He speaks with an accent but I can't place it. I've never actually heard him speak his native language (whatever that might be), so can't even guess at what it is or would sound like.
What do I do?

OP posts:
OpenBox · 08/08/2024 18:21

He sounds dodgy af, I’d get rid

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/08/2024 18:23

Life is too short - really it is.
Move on - fast.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 08/08/2024 18:24

The only honest thing he’s doing is showing you his collection of 🚩🚩🚩.

You’re so invested in finding out which one bears his true nationality, you’re neglecting the warnings you’ve been generously given. Heed them.

northernlight20 · 08/08/2024 18:26

op, i feel like your standards are lower than a snake's belly here. its not where hes from thats a problem, its the fact you dont know his name, where hes from and really nothing about him. are you this desperate to be in a relationship?

liverburd1 · 08/08/2024 18:27

shewhosellsshoes · 08/08/2024 16:53

The thing is, I genuinely don't mind WHERE he's from! My sister suggested maybe he's ashamed of where he's from of worried about "scaring me off" if I know... Tbh, it's the not knowing that scares me.

It's the lying/dishonestly that would be the main issue for me

Doggymummar · 08/08/2024 18:28

I was dating a Danish guy for about a year, when I saw his passport it was Iranian. His family fled during the uprising so had dual citizenship. Maybe your guy does too. He also used a western name, his passport name was Mohammed and he used Mike.

Pinkbonbon · 08/08/2024 18:30

He's lying to you. Who the fuck cares where he's from? That's like complaining your toe is sore - when you've got a broken back.

And he will have social media too. Not that everyone does, but, he does. I'd bet my ass on it. But it's not under the fake name he gave you.

Dump and block.

Frith2013 · 08/08/2024 18:30

If he's Turkish, the government there have an excellent website. Anyone Turkish can log on to access their birth certificate, criminal record (DBS style check) and military service record.

You can access it just the same if you're in the UK.

amoreoamicizia · 08/08/2024 18:31

I mean, it's hard to imagine where someone could possibly be from that could justify concealing the truth (if that is what he's done). As @northernlight20 says, it's not where he's from that's the problem.

Jamfirstest · 08/08/2024 18:31

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 08/08/2024 18:24

The only honest thing he’s doing is showing you his collection of 🚩🚩🚩.

You’re so invested in finding out which one bears his true nationality, you’re neglecting the warnings you’ve been generously given. Heed them.

This is such a great post

MounjaroUser · 08/08/2024 18:32

LumpyandBumps · 08/08/2024 17:30

Are you at all concerned that these ‘house removals’ aren’t with the owner’s consent?

Oh don't be daft, you're going off on a completely different tangent now.

BobbyBiscuits · 08/08/2024 18:33

I'd say park his migration status or nationality for now, and just focus on the fact he's clearly giving you a fake name. So he could be anyone. He could easily be married with several kids.
How did you meet him?
It's not really important where exactly he was born, just that he seems incredibly dishonest. I'd imagine he may not be particularly solvent if he's working for a friend of a friend doing removals. For a firm with no online presence.
I'd say there's just way too many red flags going on here. If you do really like him, tell him he's got one chance to tell you the truth, and prove it. Then you can make a decision.
But if I were you I'd run for the hills.

Andthereitis · 08/08/2024 18:33

There's a really dodgy removals company near me. Advertises for staff at fifty quid a day

Charlize43 · 08/08/2024 18:34

Most people are seeing a red flag rather than rose.

I wonder what your gut instinct is telling you? Somehow, I feel that you are not comfortable with the situation if you've raised it on MN.

Frith2013 · 08/08/2024 18:39

Also, he might speak Turkish but be Tajik - so from Tajikistan, Iran or Afghanistan.

anxioussister · 08/08/2024 18:43

there are too many red flags here OP. I know you want to believe he has a legitimate back story he’s embarrassed about - but this sounds really weird and potentially very unsafe.

I suspect he is either involved in something illegal or he has a wife / family at home (wherever that is)

newyearsresolurion · 08/08/2024 18:44

Honestly

SauviGone · 08/08/2024 18:50

Can just imagine your call to the police when he's stolen your life savings.

"Yeah so he's called Johnny. Generic looking kinda fella. He said he was from Greece, then mentioned he's from Turkey and then I overheard him telling someone he's from Azerbajan. No, I couldn't place his accent. Yes he does work, he works for a removal company called XYZ Removals... yes that's definitely the name of the removal company... yeah yeah I did look them up, no I couldn't find that company online either. DOB, age? No, I'm not sure, he didn't have a passport... nope no drivers license either, yeah I asked if he had any ID but he didn't..."

Normallynumb · 08/08/2024 18:52

First thought is he's here illegally and it's not worth your time and effort to find out who he really is and what he's lying about.

Gillypie23 · 08/08/2024 18:53

Very dodgy. Get rid of him.

TheGander · 08/08/2024 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fatphalange · 08/08/2024 19:00

It actually sounds very plausible to me but I've lived internationally myself and therefore know lots of people with similar backgrounds to that of your man. Of course there's a 'dodgy illegal immigrant' rhetoric going round atm....yawn.

AdaColeman · 08/08/2024 19:08

You know absolutely nothing about him @shewhosellsshoes, not even his real name, he could be any one.
The only certain thing about him, is that he will be thrilled to have found such a nice trusting British woman.

You can't see the wood for the trees, and so are focusing on the wrong question. Where he is from is not the main issue here, all his lies and his reluctance to give you a straight answer about anything are the major problem.

My advice would be to end the relationship, because it will all inevitably end in tears for you. Don't invest anymore emotional energy in him, make a clean break as soon as possible. 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

Waterboatlass · 08/08/2024 19:11

If course many people have complex backgrounds and nationality but your intuition isn't telling you you're getting a clear story about himself, or even a genuine name here.

Doesn't matter whether the lack of clarity is to do with his nationality, work or something totally unrelated, I think you're best throwing him back.

I've dated men where you don't get a clear read of who they really are and I wouldn't bother again.

Find someone who feels open and honest and refreshing. It might just be that you and this chap don't communicate well together but that's not worth dragging out either

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 08/08/2024 19:13

Probs illegal immigrant

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