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Original poster

Husband and his school mum friend

125 replies

Whyidontknow · 06/08/2024 23:59

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 07/08/2024 00:06

Is he the primary carer?

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/08/2024 00:08

No you’re not being paranoid. Deleting chats, intimate meet ups without the kids - it’s not good and he knows it. It sounds like he made that last meet up into a group thing in order to be able to see her.

MsDogLady · 07/08/2024 00:48

You’re not paranoid, @Whyidontknow. He is lying and using subterfuge to invest elsewhere.

Something illicit is happening between these two. They are building their connection, so in addition to the constant messaging, they moved forward to cozy coffee dates. When you expressed your discomfort, he reassured you that he’d nip that, but when she asked for a drinks date he engineered a way to make that happen and lied about it. [I guarantee they only had eyes for each other within the group.] Lo and behold, he has now deleted their messages.

His head has turned and he’s going for it, and is using subterfuge to sideline you. He is clearly lapping up the flattery and mutual attraction/validation. I would blow this out of the water. Tell him that you won’t be made a fool of while he pursues this new relationship like a single guy. Remind him that he has much to lose, which he will if he doesn’t shut this down immediately and cut contact with his OW. Don’t tolerate any gaslighting, minimizing, or blame-shifting.

Can you elaborate about how he generally treats you? Has he ever crossed lines before this?

Onlinetherapist · 07/08/2024 01:47

@Whyidontknow you need to start joining their ‘play dates.’ Just innocently join them. All of them, even if it means having to take time off work to do so.

LifeExperience · 07/08/2024 02:22

You're not being paranoid. His behavior is suspect.

GeneralReflection · 07/08/2024 02:29

Tell him you’re going to meet her husband for a drink and see what he does

emelina15 · 07/08/2024 04:16

Hmm… on the one hand, it’s good that he diverted the drinks into a group thing, it means that he’s taken your request to heart. On the other, I’d have hoped he’d just break off contact completely after you told him it made you uncomfortable.

I can also kind of understand why he might have been evasive about how the drinks came about - out of convenience, or to avoid another confrontation? Don’t get me wrong - I wouldn’t like it at all and that doesn’t make it right - but I can see how it could have been the “easy” option rather than purposefully dishonest.

For me, the deleted chat history is the big red flag. I have close male friends who I text with a reasonable amount, and meet up with 1:1 regularly, but there’s absolutely nothing in our chats that I’d feel the need to delete vis a vis DP.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 07/08/2024 04:49

Warn her off

anywhichone · 07/08/2024 04:57

The turning the meet up into a group thing just reads like him managing the situation rather than telling her he can't/doesn't want to meet up.

Deleting chat is a concern. What does he have to hide?

YouZirName · 07/08/2024 05:15

Definitely paranoid. Can't imagine why he wants a break, and a laugh with a friend here and there..

Mumverine · 07/08/2024 05:23

This happened to me, he made a school mum friend behind my back, not told about her because 'Im paranoid.'

When I found out I was told I was controlling and there was nothing like that, it's all in my head etc

A year later, as soon as we broke up she was round there and they fucked.

So he he didn't cheat whilst we were together but there was obviously attraction there and tensions.

Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 05:37

Whyidontknow · 06/08/2024 23:59

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

You’re not being paranoid - why has he deleted it if there was nothing to get upset about?

SunflowerTed · 07/08/2024 05:39

I couldn’t tolerate this ‘friendship’!

Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 05:41

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 07/08/2024 04:49

Warn her off

I was going to say this. Ask her why she’s inviting your husband out for 1:1 drinks. Or reply to her messages from his phone so she knows you have access to them. Obv tell your husband you will take chat deletion as evidence there is something to hide

VanLife33 · 07/08/2024 05:43

🌺

Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 05:47

Would he be meeting up with a dad for coffee with such regularity? What on earth do they feel the need to talk about over a coffee that they can’t cover at pick up or while supervising kids on play dates?!

Original poster
Whyidontknow · 07/08/2024 06:14

i had read the message chain and there was nothing incriminating other than her invitation to drinks which showed the real way the meet up had come about, he said they bumped into eachother. I agree with one of the posts that I think he was avoiding confrontation with this lie. He has never given me any reason to not trust him in the past, and I am usually
Very relaxed and not a paranoid person but that also makes me wonder why I am feeling this way about this. That there is a reason I’m on high alert about it. I did suggest to him the other day that she might have a thing for him which is brushed off. If I say something I would have to admit I have been reading him messages….🫠 but im willing to say, I smell a rat and that’s why I’ve done it

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 06:19

It’s annoying and gross when partners brush off someone else’s feelings towards them - “no they couldn’t possibly fancy me, you’re being paranoid” - HOW DO THEY KNOW?! It’s so dismissive and disrespectful - of course they don’t know what’s going on in the mind of somebody else. I can guarantee he would not like you meeting with a dad 1:1 and would not be afraid to let you know about it

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/08/2024 14:33

He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong here. He went for coffee with a friend, who happens to be the opposite sex. In mine and DPs relationship that wouldn't even raise an eyebrow as we both have a number of friends of the opposite sex.

You however have snooped through his messages, which would be a relationship ending breach of privacy for me.

Raasclaat · 07/08/2024 14:38

It's not right at all OP. Sounds like she wants his dick and he's flattered. I presume her and her husband arent getting on.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 14:47

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 07/08/2024 04:49

Warn her off

Um no. Everyone involved is grown adults capable of making their own decisions. She doesn't need "warning" off. Your husband is perfectly capable of telling her she's crossed the line if he wants to. However if he wants to go for drinks / a coffee / quick shag with his new "mum friend" then he's going to do it regardless.

BuggeryBumFlaps · 07/08/2024 15:43

I have no issues with people having friends of the opposite sex, but the minute chats start to get deleted (when they wouldn't normally do) and lies start to appear it's no longer a friendship it's a relationship that they are trying to hide

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 07:18

Just a man's perspective here.
Are men not allowed friends of the opposite sex?
Maybe he deleted the messages because he felt they were private messages between friends? Maybe she was confiding in a friend for advice?

If it was another dad no one would have a problem. Even with the messages.

Why is everything always about cheating?

Only the OP can judge if he's trustworthy by past behaviour.

To me checking messages is a red flag.

Purplecrush · 10/08/2024 07:27

MsDogLady · 07/08/2024 00:48

You’re not paranoid, @Whyidontknow. He is lying and using subterfuge to invest elsewhere.

Something illicit is happening between these two. They are building their connection, so in addition to the constant messaging, they moved forward to cozy coffee dates. When you expressed your discomfort, he reassured you that he’d nip that, but when she asked for a drinks date he engineered a way to make that happen and lied about it. [I guarantee they only had eyes for each other within the group.] Lo and behold, he has now deleted their messages.

His head has turned and he’s going for it, and is using subterfuge to sideline you. He is clearly lapping up the flattery and mutual attraction/validation. I would blow this out of the water. Tell him that you won’t be made a fool of while he pursues this new relationship like a single guy. Remind him that he has much to lose, which he will if he doesn’t shut this down immediately and cut contact with his OW. Don’t tolerate any gaslighting, minimizing, or blame-shifting.

Can you elaborate about how he generally treats you? Has he ever crossed lines before this?

Edited

Agree.

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 07:29

I'm pretty sure we have all had bad predictive text day or put our foot in it with a comment.

He's got a friend, this is good thing like @YouZirName said. We all need support and vent a bit ( yeah probably about how you did or didn't do something, how he feels about your mum, ideas for your birthday, school issues).

He may have a crush, don't we all from time to time. Taking time off to chaperone, sending messages in his phone without his permission wtf! As soon as you start this type of behaviour of accusations, possession and control then he's going to start to be more isolated and see alternatives as more attractive.

May be take what Mumervine said to heart, but see the lesson in it. If you loose faith, accuse, isolate and belittle your partner, then leave him are you really surprised that he then goes and sleeps with his supportive crush.

I would agree with @Bobbotgegrinch that snooping and being possessive is not likely to help anyone's cause. Even if he doesn't feel this is a huge breach of trust. Let's start somewhere else Is he a good guy? Does he treat you well?

Marriage is like owning a house, the buying it is the easy part, looking after it takes a little work everyday. If you stop maintaining it soon the clogged guttering turns into damp and the dripping tap in the bathroom is a new kitchen.

You don't own him. Take time off for sure, but spend with your husband and do something fun may be find a few days away for the August bank hol, remind him of why you work well together. May be he will start to tell you about his friend, and how you/your close friend/sister/mum did something that really bugs him.

I think half of the people on MN are separated/divorced and seem to be keen to ensure that the other half will soon be.