Husband and his school mum friend

[Whyidontknow]

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

Agree with this 💯 I have male friends and some male friends who I can confide in just like my close female friends and sometimes I like a male perspective on things.

I also delete message chats, and it’s absolutely not because I have anything to hide, my partner, not to my knowledge has ever gone through my phone but I wouldn’t want him to know I’ve asked another man for advice / their opinion etc

it really rattles me how just because a woman is friends with someone who owns a penis it automatically means something is going on!

In this case I’d just ask him, or explain your worries or concerns, don’t go snooping.

There are strong feedback loops in any relationship. The only person you can really change is you.

MN seems to be full of opinions which mainly see a third party in a negative light.

After some pretty rough experiences over the last 20+ years with far to many close friends funerals well before there time under 45 (cancer, alcoholism, car accident, house fire, heart attack, suicide, stroke).

People are imperfect, find the ones that make you happy, give them some slack when they f up. As next week it could be you or your loved one could be in a fridge. The only person you can truly change is yourself.

Pop round to her house, making sure her partner is home. Take flowers. Gush about how lucky your husband is that she is spending so much time with him, inviting him out for drinks etc. Ask the partner if he would like to bring their children over to yours whilst they go out on the town together.
If he dumps her, you’ll soon find out where you stand.

No I don’t think it’s short for ‘Mum’s Network.’

I’m sorry but I don’t know what a ‘bitch off social media platform’ is, but I suspect it’s not that either.

Technically it’s ‘by parents for parents’ but Mumsnet added the Childfree sections so I think everyone is welcome regardless of parental status.

Hmm ok
she sounds so paranoid…
but it’s ’normal’ for him to delete the msgs?

@FloatyBoaty I think people have very different patterns of friendship.

Many people, my husband included don't do individual meetups. He WFH and goes to hobby activities/meals/drinks with at least 2 others. It would be strange if he started going for coffee and walks with one person.
I however work in the city, so I can meet people for coffee/lunch during my break.
Don't have many local parent friends either people are friendly enough for playdates etc but otherwise keep themselves to themselves.

Thank you

I'm a man/father on Mumsnet because I'm allowed to be a man on Mumsnet.
Immoral??

I'm not saying he isn't a cheat, I'm saying there is alternative possibilities.
Immoral??

Have you read any of the female perspectives in the comments with male friends that share my perspective??

I just get fed up of all the judge and jury comments leaping to accuse a man of wrong doing when there is very minimal evidence.

Please never apply to be a police officer, you'd be useless.

Secondly, you rush to judge and accuse almost hoping he's guilty because you seem to want him to be in order to feed your entertainment.
Wanting to contribute to split up a relationship for kicks? Immoral??

No that sounds inappropriate tbh. My DH used to do a lot of school runs, and got friendly with a friend of mine with a special needs toddler, she was a really lovely person, often each of them would be holding the toddlers hand each when taking her older child and our two older children into primary. Never would they have dreamt of meeting up, having coffees etc. it’s just not what you would do when you are both happily married, I find even msg strange to be honest. I know DH would never have given it a thought, and neither did I. You definitely aren’t paranoid OP, something is brewing. So sorry, tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and it has to stop. Good luck

It's for mums and dad's and Mumsnet states it lol

No.

Her husband should make the move and stop any intimate friendship. If she warns her off, will she want off every other woman he develops this sort of friendship with. They don't owe her morals; her husband does.

He needs to work on his boundaries as a married man. If he opens the gate, they'll come in. If he closes the gate, they can't come in. Simple as that.

Never fight/confront others because of your partner. Your partner will simply go to the next person if he has the tendency to wander off. Then you'll be stuck fighting/confronting people. They don't owe you anything; he does.

He is the one who can make the decision to stay with you or sniff around someone else. The only way to have peace of mind is to either accept this tendency for what it is or make him work on it or leave him if he can't help himself and you don't like it; Not confronting other women one after the other for a man who can't stop himself.

Sounds like he made a friend, you have said no private meet ups and he has obeyed. He has extended the truth as you have caught him out by reading his texts which he has since deleted. You are ok to worry as it shows you care, but he is meeting up with others and i assume its not your thing or childcare would be the issue? Go along if you can, get a sitter. Doesnt sound like he is doing anything wrong its just not pleasing to you.

It sounds like nothing has happened yet. Reading it I thought perhaps a blooming friendship but then if there is anything brewing, maybe he's enjoying the attention, and then when does it stop? The deleting messages is a red flag for me. You don't delete things if you've got nothing to hide. I would say, trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right, there's usually a reason. You could go along to one of the meet ups to gauge if there is anything in it.

This reminds me of my firebd and her husband. He had a female work friend he suddenly started mentioning alot. Suddenly they were messaging a lot. Sometimes it was about their shared hobby, sometimes she was sending him selfies of her new hairdo 👀
friends husband started joining after work drinks a lot more 👀
friend read messages which confirmed the “team drinks” had actually been just the two of them. And the “after work gym trip” had also been a cosy drink with this woman.
Confronted him; he swore blind they were just friends and he didn’t tell her because he knew she’d get upset.
She then discovered a hotel bar receipt for two drinks, for a date she was on a hen do………
He broke off contact with this woman, my friend chose to believe him when he said nothing happened and they’re still together, but I would always be suspicious of the messaging, then meeting up, then deleting messages. Keep a very close eye and don’t be naive.

Slightly off topic, but I do feel this whole instant mistrust of a dad being friends with mum's of his children's friends,if he is actively involved,or even primary care giver, in children's life, it's not unusual that he, you know, might chat to people in similar situations. This doesn't help normalising dad's being main/stay strong home parent.

@Whyidontknow, how are things going now?

I've only met up with one school dad without the kids...it was a date.

The difference being, we were both single.

Definitely suspicious behaviour!

Thanks everyone for your comments. I do think it is mostly innocent. At most I think it’s the attention he is probably enjoying but I don’t think there any intention there. It does bother me a bit but I think a bit of it is boredom when he’s at work/ home alone with the children. He isn’t the primary carer but we do have a fairly even split of caring for them currently. I wouldn’t be comfortable texting a dad and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be comfortable with me doing it. Even if I thought it was innocent as soon as they had asked me out for a drink one on one I would run for the hills as even if I felt nothing I would take that as a signal the other person did. I will keep a close eye on it for now

You sound like my sister in law.

You probably don’t want to hear that her ex husband is now in a relationship with the play date woman, who was also married. She found out when he got blind drunk and used his thumb to unlock his phone and found all the dirty texts/photos they’d sent back and forth.

My DP has always had female friends, mostly colleagues, and a couple of exes that he keeps in touch with. None of them bother me.
HOWEVER, there was one that did bother me, and I was right. I posted on here about it. Secrecy, change of behaviour etc are give aways, plus the fact that something doesn't ring true.
OP should trust her gut.

I think you’ve make the right decision. Not that it’s for me to judge of course. If something else makes you feel uncomfortable, imagined or not, just have a conversation. It hopefully prevents so many misunderstandings and escalation, over what might be just misinterpreting information. I totally understand why you were concerned though. If that feeling persists, try and talk it through. Good luck.

It’s the deleting of messages that rings alarm bells

Ok, so in that case, you'd be fine with your wife being invited out for a coffee with a dad from your child's school whilst you're in work? Without the kids ..then inviting her for alcoholic beverages ...don't think so