Husband and his school mum friend

[Whyidontknow]

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

Also, she invited him for drinks and he turned it into a group...were you included in the group OP? If not, I wonder why not...who did he include, what relevance are they to her?

I was away at the time with the children, which she was aware of

So she invited him out for drinks rather than coffee, knowing you were away?
😐

Yes I also asked her in casual conversation about it and she didn’t mention that she had asked him out for drinks

What was her version of events?

Oh she's being sneaky. I don't care what anyone says, the chances of this staying platonic is small

@Whyidontknow I am worried as he is showing all the beginnings of a cheating man and you are explaining it all away. My husband cheated so I know the drill. Please be careful.

She is a sneaky cow, she is acting like a predator in a way and it seems she def fancies your DH. Even if as you say it’s a one sided thing, you do say it’s flattering his ego and that he’s bored of day to day life and that is dangerous territory.

Or she thinks the op knows and it’s no big deal.

I do think it’s a big deal to message a married man and ask him out for a drink. Maybe you are from the cool wife’s club but I am not.

Or you’ve prob not been cheated on before?

My dps neighbour started showing an unhealthy interest in him, He immediately stopped being friendly with her after lots of attention seeking behavior. This culminated in her waking us up at 7.30am with her dog in the garden with her very loudly talking to her dog. He messaged her and told her she was waking “us” up and to please stop - it was polite but very firm. He won’t open the door to her. I’ve been there where’s she’s in her garden loudly talking to her dog that she. Needs a “strong man “ to help her.I’ve also seen on his ring doorbell that he walks away from her when she tries to engage with him ( this is only because we have each others keys ect and ring apps and for my security when I’m there but he’s not ect) . That’s the action of a man who doesn’t want his head turned and he finds her annoying and he’s now abrupt with her after this intense attention seeking behavior started!

Yes, she is devious and has an agenda.

@Whyidontknow, I still think that his behavior is suspect. After she knew you were away and invited him for alone-time drinks, he lied about that. And then she lied by omission to you about it. They are both keeping that secret.

You were open about your discomfort but he didn’t reciprocate the transparency. Now that she is also hiding that she asked him out, I would not feel okay about all the messaging and meet-ups. Even in a group they can pair off.

Lies are being told and secrets kept. There is over-frequent contact. She has a crush. He is flattered, and is enjoying the new energy and her attention. This is a slippery slope and a recipe for disaster.

@Whyidontknow, you would be foolish to let this slide. At this point I would expect him to distance himself.

Speak to her husband and see how he feels. He might need to have a word with her.

😱

Trust your gut feeling

So both your DH and the woman aren't being open and honest with you.
That to me says there is something to worry about.
Your DH should be maintaining boundaries as a married man, not entering into secrets with another woman.

The thought of me asking a married man I met on the school run out for a drink/coffee/cosy walk, because we're 'friends' is so ridiculous to me.

My DH is great company, I can see plenty of women would want to be his 'friend' too, but it would never happen in my marriage. In my experience it's a very particular type of woman that claims to be bffs with lots of men. The 'I can't stand most woman, far too bitchy for me!' type. Hmmm...

I might text a married male colleague, about work, but long chats about life? No. I would never insert myself into someone's life like that.

watch your back; we have had a romance in the school gate which ended in the divorce and him remarrying the other mother

I have a husband, but am also friends with a couple dads of children in DS’s class. We’ve gone for coffee or breakfast after drop off when I was between jobs, and sometimes take the children somewhere together at weekends. No one is shagging anyone. These are not ‘dates’.

Hi
He has probably deleted because he knows you read his messages. Might not be nothing going on but his behaviour is affecting you. Have a word via third party to another mum friend who can have a discreet word with the woman in question, something along the lines you are not comfortable with the nature of the friendship and would like it to stop.

See if that works if not have a word your self, she will probably act all mortified and feign innocence but as another woman she should be more mindful of her actions.

Years ago I would have said you were paranoid. But there have been two affairs in my small school gate friendship group, between people you'd never normally suspect, and now I think there's no smoke without fire!
So I would definitely keep an eye. I think people find it very hard to resist the ego boost from this sort of friendship, and then one thing leads to another.

@Whyidontknow I would be arranging a dinner-date or similar, inviting her and her husband. As much as I don't think it should be down to you to do this, I think you'd find it really empowering to take the lead here, and establish their 'friendship' as a couples-friendship. I put 'friendship' in inverted not because I think that it's more than a friendship but because I think this woman is pushing for a friendship and more with your DH.

As someone else has said - there are a few dads I get on with/chat to on the school run. Would I ever dream of texting them for a coffee? No, as I would be more respectful of his wife than that.
For her to arrange drinks, for when she knows you and your kids are out of the way……absolutely not. She’s a sly one and as a woman, she would know what she’s doing is sly. I’d be tempted to say loudly on the school run, “asking my husband to meet you for coffee is one thing - but to ask him to meet you for drinks when you knew I was on holiday and out of the way (tinkly laugh)….yeah that was a step too far don’t you think?”

Inviting him alone for drinks us a red flag, and at least he converted it into a group meet, unless he’s hiding in plain site. Or maybe he’s deliberately pretending to misunderstand her intentions, hence the group meet.

could you get over friendly with her, and invite her for coffee. Make it obvious you’re around.

Wow, that must have been crazy!

This!