Husband and his school mum friend

[Whyidontknow]

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

Does she have a partner? I would be inviting them over for a BBQ and lay it on thick with the affection for dh so she can't kid herself that your relationship is in trouble. Maybe invite some other school parents over too once you find a date that she can do so it doesn't look as weird.

Keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer

Trust your instincts OP. Sometimes we don't know what it is tangibly that we are picking up on...but we sense something is 'off'. If you don't normally react this way, you are maybe sending the potential there just in the way they vibe. The way you describe your husband makes me think he is literally seeking friendship innocently or possibly there's a seed of attraction he isn't aware of yet (especially if he's an honourable guy he might not acknowledge it on a conscious level) and maybe she is the same. But sometimes even with good people if a seed if nurtured and not acknowledged that it may one day become a tree; one day you go back and it's become a metre high sapling that cannot be ignored anymore.

My advice...shut it down with kind assertiveness. Tell him straight...you feel your relationship is threatened and you want him to shut it down nicely 👍. Good luck OP ❤️

Opposite sex friendships are fine but occasionally you get a gut feeling about one of them. That’s what this is about, not opposite sex friendships. My ex had a very close female friend for years. It didn’t bother me at all. Then he got another female friend whom he quickly became close to. I just knew his was different somehow - and I was right.

Why all the passively excepting of everything..
You seem to be suggesting a 'shut up and put up' kind of scenario... I'm all for a quiet life but that would drive me insane ...she's to make all the effort to maintain his interest? And if he's up to anything or does anything wrong to ignore it and be the attentive partner so he doesn't spit his dummy out.... at which point it's inevitable he will go and sleep with the other women AND its her fault for daring to be anything but a passive partner pleaser .... wow. Honestly didn't know people thought like this.

I think his behaviour towards you is thoughtless, is there any chance he could be doing this to make you jealous? Is it a weird way of needing more attention from you?

Bloody hell….

Im a school mum - and WITHOUT a husband, I may add- only single mum on the playground, in fact.

I’m friends with four or five married school dads. I have WhatsApp chat with them. Sometimes I go for coffee alone with a school dad- without the kids. I’ve even (dear god) been for a WALK with a school dad with our kids. We talked about our shared hobby and went for a pint at the end. Someone mistook us for a family. We laughed it off. Some of the dads, I’m more friendly with their wives and they’ve come about as a secondary friendship. Others Im closer with the dads.

Do I need “warning off”? Should I “not be tolerated”? Am I an “OW” in waiting - as has been suggested upthread, for very similar behaviour?

Or is it the case -maybe- that some women don’t want your bloody husbands, and they actually are capable of being friends with the opposite sex?

OP- take mumsnet with a pinch of salt. You know your husband. Maybe he is a cheater? Maybe he is a sleaze? That’s on him. But please don’t make the MN mistake of assuming that all women other are wanton hussies out to steal your man- it’s just not the case. Most women are genuine, and respect other peoples marriage vows, and are capable of platonic relationships with men.

Er, yes.

This isn't normal behaviour where I am unless you're part of the cool wives club (aka the one where the husbands still act like they are single)

Wtf? This is an unhinged perspective.

Why is it any different to the friendships with the school mums i have- including their wives- which are as close, if not closer?

I cannot emphasize enough how little I want “school dad dick”. Or any dick. The idea that it’s abnormal for women to have male friends, and that women are incapable of being sexually continent, is rooted in internalized misogyny.

Just such a deeply sad thread.

His lying and turning her invite into a group drink so he could still her with a ‘clean’ conscience is ok though?

Seems they only met up once alone from your op, for a coffee?

do you think she’s attractive or suffer from jealousy or low self esteem? Lots do. You can see it on here,

It depends on how often these things are happening. Occasional coffee together? Fine.
Meeting every week for coffee. No.
Your gut is usually right. There’ll be something in the way he talks about her or looks at her that might be worrying you subconsciously.
No one thinks other Mums are deliberately out to steal a husband, but the reality is that affairs often start from friendships that then develop. Which doesn’t mean that you can’t have friends of the opposite sex, it just means those friendships need firm boundaries, which includes putting your partner and their concerns first. I certainly wouldn’t be happy with regular daily texting between my DH and another woman!

@FloatyBoaty you might think it's platonic but the chances 4 or 5 men who all go for coffee, walks, and drinks (we call those dates btw) with you all think it's just friendly... yeah... No.

This thread is weird. I go for coffee without kids with a Dad friend from the kids school. It isn’t a crime to have opposite sex friends. It doesn’t sound like his behaviour has changed really either - he’s not going on about her all the time. I think you’re being unreasonable here.

Men aren't always very good at picking up subtle signals that a woman finds him attractive. It may be your husband genuinely can't see that this school Mum has a motive for asking him out for a drink, other than just being friendly. The messages aren't incriminating, and it sounds like he's actually not done anything wrong. However, your 'spidey senses' are on full alert because you're unsure of her motives. You need to talk to him again, and say 'yes she absolutely may fancy you and her motives may not be entirely pure'!! Women can be devious. Men can just as easily be flattered, as much as a woman. I wonder if her husband knows she has coffee with your husband? What would be your husband's reaction if you suddenly wanted to meet her husband for coffee?? Would he be quite so understanding?!

I can 100% guarantee not one of them thinks of me as anything but a friend. Their wives are without exception, prettier, better dressed, slimmer, and less knackered than me.

And we don’t call coffee or a walk a date where im from, unless you know, it’s a date.

I think this thread has shown me how much I’ve lucked out with the community im part of, and the friends I’ve made here. Being a single mum without much family support can be really hard, and you need a “village”. Seems like not everywhere would be as welcoming.

It reads to me that she is pursuing him for more and he's lapping up the attention.

The problem is that now you've had words with him he will feel resentful that 'big 'ol meanie' wife has disapproved of his meetings with the woman and the woman is now even more appealing in his eyes.

Want to meet for a coffee? There is an obvious attraction, whether that be externally or internally, the deletion of the messages on the surface seem suspect and no doubt creates paranoia (were they incriminating or were they harmless but he didn't want them to be seen by you due to your discomfort with their contact/friendship etc)... It's easy to jump to conclusions but when reading messages on here there is no background or actuality of situations... Has something happened in the home life for him to have his head turned towards this fresh company? Maybe he feels he can speak to said company instead of you about certain things? It is often easier to offload to someone who is not directly involved with certain situations to avoid conflict. I hope nothing sinister is going on, good luck!

This thread has made me think - I am a ‘school mum’ who has made friends with ‘school dads’ before. I’m happily married, and just a sociable person who is able to make friends without wanting to jump into bed. Maybe the dads are capable of this too. But different relationships have and need different boundaries so I’m not saying this to minimise the situation that the OP finds herself in. But in my personal situation, if my DH told me I couldn’t meet with a friend alone, I would be unhappy about it, and a bit hurt!

Is he a stay at home parent or the primary carer as someone asked above? When mine were small and I was part time I would often meet other mums for coffee - sometimes without the children. Yes we were both 'mums' but there are so few stay at home dads I can see it would be inevitable that a male SAHP would make friendships with women because the majority are women. Deleting the chat Mayne the only bit id raise eyebrows at but depending on what he is usually like I wouldn't jump the gun at this.

My take is it doesn't really matter if it's innocent or not- the important thing is it makes the OP uncomfortable. It sounds like the OP isn't generally controlling or paranoid so she's allowed to have a feeling about this and for her DH to respect it and set boundaries

@TheEnglishIrishman bullshit!!

In your opinion.

Maybe he is flattered by her attention. Maybe you need to start spending time just you and him date nights for example. Stop looking for something that isn't there or you may push him to it.

Go with your gut feeling, Good luck.

This is exactly what my husband did.
He used our children as an excuse to go on play dates for months, and I was too trusting of the situation.
Eventually her husband caught them having sex and now we are mid divorce.
Go with your gut. Nothing may have happened yet, but it's certainly a thought in both their heads.
He deleted the texts as he didn't want to you to see the conversation... so he has something to hide.

He needs a reality check and needs to realise how his behaviour is affecting you and the family.