Page 3 | Husband and his school mum friend

Whyidontknow · 2024-08-06T22:59:32+00:00

Husband has struck up a friendship with a school mum (who has a husband) they have met for coffees on their own once and once with her youngest child. They’ve been on play dates with the children which doesn’t bother me but the alone meet ups do. They text very often. I know her also and we occasionally text and occasionally meet up for play dates. had to tell him I find the meet ups alone uncomfortable which he understood and said wouldn’t happen again. But then I read his messages from her to find her casually asking him if he wanted to join her for a drink, he turned it into a group thing with others so want alone, but lied to me about how this came about. He has since deleted all their chat history which I find odd. Am I being paranoid?

localnotail · 10/08/2024 09:51

FloatyBoaty · 10/08/2024 08:08

Bloody hell….

Im a school mum - and WITHOUT a husband, I may add- only single mum on the playground, in fact.

I’m friends with four or five married school dads. I have WhatsApp chat with them. Sometimes I go for coffee alone with a school dad- without the kids. I’ve even (dear god) been for a WALK with a school dad with our kids. We talked about our shared hobby and went for a pint at the end. Someone mistook us for a family. We laughed it off. Some of the dads, I’m more friendly with their wives and they’ve come about as a secondary friendship. Others Im closer with the dads.

Do I need “warning off”? Should I “not be tolerated”? Am I an “OW” in waiting - as has been suggested upthread, for very similar behaviour?

Or is it the case -maybe- that some women don’t want your bloody husbands, and they actually are capable of being friends with the opposite sex?

OP- take mumsnet with a pinch of salt. You know your husband. Maybe he is a cheater? Maybe he is a sleaze? That’s on him. But please don’t make the MN mistake of assuming that all women other are wanton hussies out to steal your man- it’s just not the case. Most women are genuine, and respect other peoples marriage vows, and are capable of platonic relationships with men.

I think you misunderstood the OP. Her issue is not with this mum per se, but with her feeling odd about it and with her husband being shady. Sometimes, our gut feeling is there before there is any concrete evidence.

I agree, on its own, being friends with a married man if fine - but to me, only if I'm friends with both partners. I can go out for a drink with a friend's husband, for example, occasionally, or text him - but I trust him and I know she is fine with that. I would feel really uncomfortable if I found out the guy is seeing me in secret and would stop any contact.

DaringFawn · 10/08/2024 10:10

FloatyBoaty · 10/08/2024 08:08

Bloody hell….

Im a school mum - and WITHOUT a husband, I may add- only single mum on the playground, in fact.

I’m friends with four or five married school dads. I have WhatsApp chat with them. Sometimes I go for coffee alone with a school dad- without the kids. I’ve even (dear god) been for a WALK with a school dad with our kids. We talked about our shared hobby and went for a pint at the end. Someone mistook us for a family. We laughed it off. Some of the dads, I’m more friendly with their wives and they’ve come about as a secondary friendship. Others Im closer with the dads.

Do I need “warning off”? Should I “not be tolerated”? Am I an “OW” in waiting - as has been suggested upthread, for very similar behaviour?

Or is it the case -maybe- that some women don’t want your bloody husbands, and they actually are capable of being friends with the opposite sex?

OP- take mumsnet with a pinch of salt. You know your husband. Maybe he is a cheater? Maybe he is a sleaze? That’s on him. But please don’t make the MN mistake of assuming that all women other are wanton hussies out to steal your man- it’s just not the case. Most women are genuine, and respect other peoples marriage vows, and are capable of platonic relationships with men.

Yeh I have to say if I found out my partner was going on walks with a school mum on there own my radar would be through the roof just like he would be I'm all for friendships but if your looking for a single friendship without wife involved your a problem 🤷‍♀️

Didimum · 10/08/2024 10:28

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 07:29

I'm pretty sure we have all had bad predictive text day or put our foot in it with a comment.

He's got a friend, this is good thing like @YouZirName said. We all need support and vent a bit ( yeah probably about how you did or didn't do something, how he feels about your mum, ideas for your birthday, school issues).

He may have a crush, don't we all from time to time. Taking time off to chaperone, sending messages in his phone without his permission wtf! As soon as you start this type of behaviour of accusations, possession and control then he's going to start to be more isolated and see alternatives as more attractive.

May be take what Mumervine said to heart, but see the lesson in it. If you loose faith, accuse, isolate and belittle your partner, then leave him are you really surprised that he then goes and sleeps with his supportive crush.

I would agree with @Bobbotgegrinch that snooping and being possessive is not likely to help anyone's cause. Even if he doesn't feel this is a huge breach of trust. Let's start somewhere else Is he a good guy? Does he treat you well?

Marriage is like owning a house, the buying it is the easy part, looking after it takes a little work everyday. If you stop maintaining it soon the clogged guttering turns into damp and the dripping tap in the bathroom is a new kitchen.

You don't own him. Take time off for sure, but spend with your husband and do something fun may be find a few days away for the August bank hol, remind him of why you work well together. May be he will start to tell you about his friend, and how you/your close friend/sister/mum did something that really bugs him.

I think half of the people on MN are separated/divorced and seem to be keen to ensure that the other half will soon be.

This sounds like a glorified ‘pick me’ dance.

Not meeting up with women alone when you know it makes your partner uncomfortable, not lying about meet ups and not deleting chat histories are baseline respect actions.

swimlyn · 10/08/2024 12:10

FloatyBoaty · 10/08/2024 08:34

I can 100% guarantee not one of them thinks of me as anything but a friend. Their wives are without exception, prettier, better dressed, slimmer, and less knackered than me.

And we don’t call coffee or a walk a date where im from, unless you know, it’s a date.

I think this thread has shown me how much I’ve lucked out with the community im part of, and the friends I’ve made here. Being a single mum without much family support can be really hard, and you need a “village”. Seems like not everywhere would be as welcoming.

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Their wives are without exception, prettier, better dressed, slimmer, and less knackered than me.

Thank you @FloatyBoaty . Brilliant!

And thanks for attempting to bring some balance to this thread. It’s clear you’re fighting an uphill battle though…

Let’s face it, none of us, even OP, actually knows for sure what’s going on.

With all of the automatic jumping to conclusions, as you posted earlier, this is such a deeply sad thread.

Poddledoddle · 10/08/2024 12:17

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 07:18

Just a man's perspective here.
Are men not allowed friends of the opposite sex?
Maybe he deleted the messages because he felt they were private messages between friends? Maybe she was confiding in a friend for advice?

If it was another dad no one would have a problem. Even with the messages.

Why is everything always about cheating?

Only the OP can judge if he's trustworthy by past behaviour.

To me checking messages is a red flag.

How can her checking his messages be a red flag when her gut was right to check them, he had lied?
You also don't think there's a problem with men being friends with women, and its the same as man being friends with another man. Yet you think you're offering a different perspective by being a man. Contradictory.

bongers49 · 10/08/2024 12:27

As someone who went through a very similar thing with my now ex husband, I do not think you are being paranoid. This could easily become something. The second time it happened to me, I didn't do enough to prevent it in my case and sure enough, the woman from his work, whom he apologised for having a drunken kiss with at a Christmas party, is now living and has had a baby with him and we are divorced. I wish I had had the ability to confront her and explain to her how their actions would hurt our kids (unfortunately he was too selfish to put them first, and I will never know whether appealing to her would have worked). If you want to prevent this from going further, take preventative action now. Take a look at your marriage and ask yourself the difficult questions. Is there anything that could be improved? I'm just speaking from my experience. But trust your gut instincts on this.

BirthdayRainbow · 10/08/2024 12:43

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 07/08/2024 04:49

Warn her off

Don't do this.

You are not paranoid and your h is pathetic lapping up little miss school run mums adoration. Embarrassing.

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 13:01

Poddledoddle · 10/08/2024 12:17

How can her checking his messages be a red flag when her gut was right to check them, he had lied?
You also don't think there's a problem with men being friends with women, and its the same as man being friends with another man. Yet you think you're offering a different perspective by being a man. Contradictory.

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So men and women cannot have a platonic relationship? Mature adults certainly can.

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 13:02

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 13:01

So men and women cannot have a platonic relationship? Mature adults certainly can.

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Where has he lied. He just deleted messages which could've been for an innocent reason of privacy between friends.
Everyone is judge and jury without knowing the full situation.

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 13:12

Newnamesameoldlurker · 10/08/2024 09:02

My take is it doesn't really matter if it's innocent or not- the important thing is it makes the OP uncomfortable. It sounds like the OP isn't generally controlling or paranoid so she's allowed to have a feeling about this and for her DH to respect it and set boundaries

How far do you take this, if her husband didn't like her work colleague should she change jobs.

Having an opinion is fine, forcing it on others like a child " I won't be your friend if you do/don't do x" is a bit pathetic.

Respecting someone's opinion means they get to choose what they do, not they get to choose what you do.

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 13:21

@Didimum Not prying on your partner's phone, screening there friends, is basic respect.

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 13:24

@bongers49 may be you didnt do enough to prevent it. You were his partner not his jailer.

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 13:29

I agree @BirthdayRainbow don't do it, but when did OP last make time for him? Being a stay at home parent can strip you of your identity.

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 10/08/2024 13:43

Warn this woman off and warn your husband off too. @MsDogLady nails it best as usual with her analysis and advice!

Jellybeanbag · 10/08/2024 15:39

FloatyBoaty · 10/08/2024 08:08

Bloody hell….

Im a school mum - and WITHOUT a husband, I may add- only single mum on the playground, in fact.

I’m friends with four or five married school dads. I have WhatsApp chat with them. Sometimes I go for coffee alone with a school dad- without the kids. I’ve even (dear god) been for a WALK with a school dad with our kids. We talked about our shared hobby and went for a pint at the end. Someone mistook us for a family. We laughed it off. Some of the dads, I’m more friendly with their wives and they’ve come about as a secondary friendship. Others Im closer with the dads.

Do I need “warning off”? Should I “not be tolerated”? Am I an “OW” in waiting - as has been suggested upthread, for very similar behaviour?

Or is it the case -maybe- that some women don’t want your bloody husbands, and they actually are capable of being friends with the opposite sex?

OP- take mumsnet with a pinch of salt. You know your husband. Maybe he is a cheater? Maybe he is a sleaze? That’s on him. But please don’t make the MN mistake of assuming that all women other are wanton hussies out to steal your man- it’s just not the case. Most women are genuine, and respect other peoples marriage vows, and are capable of platonic relationships with men.

Are you as friendly with the mums though?

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 16:47

FloatyBoaty · 10/08/2024 08:08

Bloody hell….

Im a school mum - and WITHOUT a husband, I may add- only single mum on the playground, in fact.

I’m friends with four or five married school dads. I have WhatsApp chat with them. Sometimes I go for coffee alone with a school dad- without the kids. I’ve even (dear god) been for a WALK with a school dad with our kids. We talked about our shared hobby and went for a pint at the end. Someone mistook us for a family. We laughed it off. Some of the dads, I’m more friendly with their wives and they’ve come about as a secondary friendship. Others Im closer with the dads.

Do I need “warning off”? Should I “not be tolerated”? Am I an “OW” in waiting - as has been suggested upthread, for very similar behaviour?

Or is it the case -maybe- that some women don’t want your bloody husbands, and they actually are capable of being friends with the opposite sex?

OP- take mumsnet with a pinch of salt. You know your husband. Maybe he is a cheater? Maybe he is a sleaze? That’s on him. But please don’t make the MN mistake of assuming that all women other are wanton hussies out to steal your man- it’s just not the case. Most women are genuine, and respect other peoples marriage vows, and are capable of platonic relationships with men.

Thank you for talking complete sense 👏🏻

bongers49 · 10/08/2024 17:52

ThinkingForward · 10/08/2024 13:24

@bongers49 may be you didnt do enough to prevent it. You were his partner not his jailer.

I have spent the last 5 years thinking what I did wrong. Both parties in a marriage contribute or otherwise to the success or failure of a marriage. We both had faults, but there were signs in my marriage that he wasn't happy, which I ignored, and only in retrospect am I able to see the signs were there.
I truly believe if someone is intent on cheating there's probably not much you can do, but he might have not got to that stage yet. Hence my advice.

Reddog1 · 10/08/2024 19:46

Asking him for a drink … it’s very different to coffee after the school run ….it sounds as if she has a little crush and wants him as a side piece or as an emotional affair.

He was right to invite more people along. He handled that well. It implies that he’s uninterested in more.

He shouldn’t have lied though.

For her sake as much as anyone’s he should nip this in the bud.

GladOliveUser · 10/08/2024 20:21

I think she fancies him and he doesn't which is why he turned it into a group thing and he deleted the message history to avoid a conflict with you because he thinks you're too jealous and insecure.
You haven't answered if he is the primary carer, if he is then it gets lonely and isolating and some school mums are funny about befriending a school run dad so he might be just welcoming this friendship for the sake of the children and his loneliness.
As the drink suggestion came from her and he gently declined and redirected i dont think he has any cheating intentions towards her but she might feel otherwise.

Lovemyones · 10/08/2024 21:20

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 13:02

Where has he lied. He just deleted messages which could've been for an innocent reason of privacy between friends.
Everyone is judge and jury without knowing the full situation.

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If you are in a "long-term" relationship or married, then I don't believe that you should have something to hide from your significant other - especially when it involves a recently made friend of the opposite sex. Surely everyone realises that stuff you tell your mate, they are going to tell their wife/husband. It's literally an unspoken fact of life, and when speaking to my friends I fully expect them to be telling their partner. It literally is the best part of my day spilling the tea with my partner 👀

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 21:23

Lovemyones · 10/08/2024 21:20

If you are in a "long-term" relationship or married, then I don't believe that you should have something to hide from your significant other - especially when it involves a recently made friend of the opposite sex. Surely everyone realises that stuff you tell your mate, they are going to tell their wife/husband. It's literally an unspoken fact of life, and when speaking to my friends I fully expect them to be telling their partner. It literally is the best part of my day spilling the tea with my partner 👀

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If a friend tells you they have a terminal illness and tells you not to tell anyone you go home and tell your partner. Nice morals. Bit extreme but a valid point none the less.

Lovemyones · 10/08/2024 21:38

TheEnglishIrishman · 10/08/2024 21:23

If a friend tells you they have a terminal illness and tells you not to tell anyone you go home and tell your partner. Nice morals. Bit extreme but a valid point none the less.

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Lol I'd be willing to bet that my morals are a lot less corrupt than a man on Mumsnet telling a woman to ignore a gut feeling about her partner and his new school mum friend.

MyLimeGuide · 10/08/2024 21:39

English Irish man this is mumsnet?! Are u a mum?lol

MeAgainAndAgain · 10/08/2024 21:44

MyLimeGuide · 10/08/2024 21:39

English Irish man this is mumsnet?! Are u a mum?lol

Mumsnet is for everyone.

MyLimeGuide · 10/08/2024 21:50

MeAgainAndAgain · 10/08/2024 21:44

Mumsnet is for everyone.

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Yeah is stupidly thought it was short for 'mums network' like a support thing actually just another bitch off social media platform, nevermind, enjoy every one!