Told to fuck off again

[Aurorausher]

I know it’s nothing like stuff ladies go through but partner just told me to fuck off and get out of his home office. He was putting as much venom as he could into it. It’s happened before and I hate it. I’ve gone out and texted him he’s never to do it again. We are supposed to be meeting friends later, what do I do? He’s not resided and not sure I can be jolly in front of mates

Do you also sense that you're doing a nice job of victim blaming?

Just to edit the last bit, what I meant to say was I think the number of wrongly sought divorces is greater than the number of (women) abused in relationships not the number of occurrences (and I assume most of the posters are talking primarily about the more serious forms of abuse -not any and all- as today with spectrums, that rabbit hole could be endless and those subtle things wouldn't necessitate immediately ending a relationship before seeking help).

Not at all.
A "victim" can be "too timid/submissive" without being the cause of or to blame for the abuse. In fact, what I'm referring to is the behaviour after not before the incidents.

For example, a few women said they'd tell him to F-OFF himself and, move out somewhere as requested. Then, the OP sent a "strongly worded" message and? He was sheepish. See. I want them to have couples therapy (not this personal shrink BS, it's the relationship and its dynamics not him as a lone individual that need fixing) and I think if OP is more strong and assertive with him it will help too. I don't see him as a sinister tyrant, I think he's being a man child and needs to be corrected, told to sit on the naughty step, etc

Maybe OP is too timid/submissive because she's been ground down by her controlling DH?

Coercive controlling has been recognised in law since 2015, abuse takes many forms.

And even if it's not abuse why on earth would OP stay with someone who is not very nice to her? I don't believe that a relationship comes before a person's happiness

Well, let's answer some of those maybes. OP has stated this has only occurred a few times (rarely) and they've been together years. I think we should go on what is stated rather than what maybe was left out. No one here has asked OP about her relationship or happiness, they're reacting to two incidents in which he swore at her.

Maybe we should let OP answer those questions if she wants to.
Maybe what Op has written is the tip of the iceberg.
Her DH seems to talk to her with contempt and no respect, it's difficult for a relationship to recover from that

Yes.

Personally, my impression was OP was just taken aback and canvassing opinions on how others would respond, not that it was the tip of a terrible relationship and this was the last straw. Actually my very first impression was just how little detail or information was given. If it was me and my relationship was in turmoil, I'd give a relationship history etc.

Thanks ! Everyone. Lots to digest and obviously I’d like to answer posts individually. I’m very sorry for everyone who has had unhappy relationships and I’m really ..proud? Impressed? Of everyone who has taken control (Not sure what the emotion is, but give you all a massive cheer. )
As for me, I am super confused as after he’d seen his therapist he began to be nice again and we are now back to normal. I think she’s mentioned that we should be a team as he’s mentioned’teamwork’ a few times. I’m still finding that I’m trying to be understanding and a team, but I also think I’m wary and questioning- again, and yes this happens every 8 months or so. I also find that I’ll ‘forget’ or maybe it’s burying my head in the sand.
surprisingly he hadn’t discussed telling me to F off with his counselor, am very tempted to email her.
I am going for counseling myself now, thanks to the poster that mentioned it - your post was v helpful. I’ve been on the list for ages, so it’s very timely! Her idea is to get my self confidence on track and then I can decide what to do.
I’ve re read this thread about 20 times, you have all given me a lot of sage advice and observations which are helping me reflect. - you mentioned what is the history, it’s complicated of course and will only be from my pov.
A lot of me thinks I’ve had red flags for years, but somehow I couldn’t split up with him, I don’t know why.
im still confused! Let’s hope counseling helps.

OP, I think you have posted before about your relationship with your dh, am I right? If not, here is another poster in a very similar situation!

I was in a long marriage with a man who sounds quite similar to your dh; I'm not sure if he tried to deliberately undermine or confuse me, but he was absolutely convinced that he was always right (and very controlling) and left me anxious, confused and questioning my own judgement about everything. It's only when I finally left - after almost 30 years - that my head began to properly clear.

6 years on and I'm happy, confident and in a relationship with someone who is kind and supportive. The difference that leaving my h has made to my life is incredible!

Please give yourself time and space to reflect on his behaviour towards you, and keep posting on here as well as continuing with therapy. Hopefully you will be able to stand back from your situation a bit and see it a bit more clearly. Whatever the reasons behind his attitude towards you, you must see that he is incredibly bad for your mental health? You don't have to put up with this you know - there is another, happier life out there for you.

Wishing you all the best 💐

OP I will give this advice again - please stop
engaging with what he is or isn’t saying to his therapist. She doesn’t know you, she will not be suggesting ‘teamwork’ if it’s not couple’s counselling. Her job is to work with him and his issues - if he isn’t telling her about the way he is treating you, he is in effect lying, and he might as well not bother going. Do not engage with him over it, you aren’t in the room.
People get concerned about what is ‘said’ about them to a therapist they have never met. Therapists are trained to deal with this and unless their client reports they are being abused then they will switch off from it.
Have a read of ‘What Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft it is brilliant. These periods when things feel
okay aren’t. He’s deliberately managing you, and you never know when the tide will turn.
Go to your own therapy and be brutally honest. A good therapist will work with you so that when you are more confident you can make better decisions.
Finally, do not, under any circumstances, tell your partner what you have discussed in sessions. If you can, do not tell him the name of the therapist or when your sessions are, either. Again, if you report back to him about what you say in them you may as well not go, he will be hugely concerned about being talked about and won’t like it. (I wanted to write the last paragraph in CAPITAL letters!)

Thanks so much arrivederla . I’m pleased for you!
like you it’s taking ages to see, and not dismiss it, but think it through. I think it’s not that he’s awful, just anxious and scared and makes odd decisions/sees the world in an odd way.certainly is exhausting when I stop to think about it. But he thinks I’m letting him down.
thanks peggy I haven’t told him I’m going to therapy.
so tempted to email his therapist. It might be more effective if she knew a bit more, but obviously it’s not the thing to do.

hes Told me I don’t respect him. I hate being told what I think, by anyone. I thought of you guys, and my therapist and said,’ok, if that what you think, that’s your opinion but you should know me well enough by now’
at least I think I did! Was trying to be calm, he went off to bed.
We sleep in separate rooms as we both keep each other awake, so that’s ok. But you are right, I am cross that it’s another row. Now I’m all stressed and irritated and I don’t want be.
it started because I called someone and didn’t mention something he thought I should have. Previously he made it sound like I need to choose between them ( my relation) and him. Later he denied it, now he’s done it again. They don’t like each other. AIBU to have to choose? My family member might be a twit, and he’s never liked DH, but he’s family.

To repeat, individual therapy is not the answer to me but Couples Therapy since the goal is to fix the relationship. If you want real progress that's the way, how ineffective to have separate therapies where different therapists get different stories and don't cross talk. For one thing you'll get some honesty and accountability fast. This personal journey BS could take 10 years

I don't know how his therapist can analyse you to him, unseen. Sounds very unprofessional to me.

He's making it up.

Chatting shit.

He's abusive.

It seems very clear that most of your anxiety and confusion is coming from your partner's behaviour. Every time you try to progress he knocks you down again, then blames you for not doing enough. Added to that he is trying to isolate you from family and friends.

I’m here for everyone in the cheap seats - emailing a therapist about their client, when they don’t know you, won’t make one bit of difference.
I don’t like this man he sounds absolutely awful.
But OP getting this therapist onside, even in your own mind, is keeping you stuck.
The therapist is there to work with him. Even mass murderers can have therapy. The job is to work with clients, not like them.
Concentrate on you, and only you. You are all that matters here.
And maybe this will help also - don’t worry if your own therapist likes you or thinks you are a good person, either. If you are, they will sense it.
Be your authentic self, in all your glory. The work is about getting to you to a place where you are at peace with the past and also confident in your own ability to make good life choices now.
By the way I’m not a therapist - but I’ve been to a great one and all of the above is what I learned along the way.

Very fishy OP.

Rather than call out his disingenuous therapy and initiate couples therapy you seek your own. Sounds to me like you may have some shortcomings yourself in the relationship which you're also not forthcoming about. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to fix it. Or do we live in some warped reality where everyone -in the name of being supportive- automatically assumes it's all about the other person. I really don't know what people think having individual separate therapists is going to achieve since it assumes honesty and OP would rather talk to online strangers -avoiding any explanation of the relationship or details- than talk to her husband. If you have nothing to hide and you want to genuinely fix a relationship you would choose couples therapy. I'm not interested in entertaining this any further maybe it was just venting rather than a desire to achieve anything.

It's unacceptable to tell you to fuck off. You said it has happened before. Did you go into his home office again before? My DH and I leave each other alone when we're working. Also, why are you texting him from outside the room? Are you 12 years old? I wouldn't go out with mates if you're hurt and angry, but talk to your partner face to face and tell him you won't tolerate that language again, but you will stay out of his office. Do you have issues with other's boundaries?

@Truthfully555

are you aware that couples therapy is not recommended with an abusive partner?

Exactly this - absolutely NOT recommended

Just seconding further responses to this. Do not attempt couples therapy with an abuser. If the therapist recognises the abuse, they should advise you to stop couples work and have your own therapy. If they don't recognise it, they will be taken in by the abuser and he will be emboldened. It's an absolute NO.

Your husband just sounds abusive and wants to control what you say and do. I am sure it was probably you that raised your family and sacrificed a career yet he’s treating you like a maid or worse. My ex husband was life this always telling me I hadn’t cleaned enough although I worked ft with 2 children under 6 and did a 2 hour commute daily as well as pick and drop kids to nursery. As a pp said, counselling doesn’t work with an abuser. I’m sorry you are going through this. I haven’t read all the replies so sorry if I’m repeating someone else but do contact women’s aid and speak to someone in real life.

Exactly this, abusers always move the goalposts as well as change what they’ve said to their victim, it has the desired effect of destabilising the victim, making them anxious and fearful as well as unsure of themselves.

Thank you. I’ll read this all through again.
im just so bored, he’s moaning about work again. I take him a coffee first thing and I get an hour of his work.
tonight I get similar. It’s always crap, everyone is awful and yes he’s had an awful time, but aibu to get a bit bored o his stress? It feel like it’s all the time. He did ask me how my work was, as he got out of bed this morning, and that quickly turned into ‘get a job, but not minimum wage that doesn’t make a difference’
thank you, for helping me, it all seems so innocuous. Therapist pointed out that it seems like he takes his work stress out on you, telling you to get an amazing job, yet when you get one it’s not enough.
I deleted the moan about how I should undo his shirt buttons before ironing. When I’d ironed and was off to get hangers, he said,‘don’t bother I’m going to iron them again’. I was so furious I couldn’t speak. . He backed down and said he just wanted to iron one as he wanted to be smart for tomorrow.
thanks for listening to me being petty. It’s by typing this out that I’m beginning to actually notice that I’m stressed and miserable most days actually. F**k.