Told to fuck off again

[Aurorausher]

I know it’s nothing like stuff ladies go through but partner just told me to fuck off and get out of his home office. He was putting as much venom as he could into it. It’s happened before and I hate it. I’ve gone out and texted him he’s never to do it again. We are supposed to be meeting friends later, what do I do? He’s not resided and not sure I can be jolly in front of mates

I know we're all different but I would not put up with that behaviour and neither should you OP.

He's abusing you, tell him to fuck off and when he gets there tell him to fuck off some more.

A relationship should be, at the very least, respectful and caring. He's not either. Get rid of him. He's a horrid little man.

His therapist may realise this of him, equally she may not.

He wants to keep you in the hole that you have partially dug for yourself. He targeted you deliberately in order to abuse you. What was your childhood like, was it very sheltered?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He is following the usual abuser script by stating it’s always someone else’s fault ie yours and never their own.

Youre going to have to be brave here and take the first, often the hardest of steps, out on your own. But you can do this and you should do this, you only get one shot at this life after all. It’s never too late to leave.

Thank you. The trouble is I doubt me. I have very part time work, so he has a point. Then I just feel rubbish, look at jobs, they don’t pay much, so I think I’ll do what I’m good at, and it takes time to build and I’m not as ‘on it’ as I should be. I mean I am, but I’m scared as anyone would be but also scared because when I do get busy is when he’ll come charging in and criticize.
I don’t get why he does that, I don’t get why I’ve never left.

Fear of him, fear of the unknown and money worries are perhaps three of many reasons along with your lack of self worth keeping you there. But this is no life for you and what you’re also describing here apart from
this abusive relationship is a slow death to you by 1000 cuts. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Where does this doubt of you actually come from?. Did your parents ever think you were a disappointment to them?.

He does this because he can and feels entitled to do so like all bullies.

You’ve merely become inured to his abuses of you and have got used to being treated like dirt by him.

Please get some help to leave this nasty, abusive bastard. You only get so many turns around the sun, don't waste any more of them on his pathetic, horrible arse. Take the first steps tomorrow: make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your rights are and contact Women's Aid. You don't have to do anything else immediately if it feels overwhelming. He's been putting you down and browbeating you for so many years, it's hardly surprising you can't see a way out, or even believe you deserve one. This piece of shit has done a number on you, projecting his insecurity and inadequacy onto you - no doubt while you were raising his children which is the very reason he is the higher earner in the first place! Please get away from him. Just think how much nicer your life will be without somebody telling you to fuck off at regular intervals for no reason (and there is no reason, other than he is a horrible person who doesn't deserve you). Good luck x

He actively wants to sabotage your efforts at paid work so he can keep you where he wants you ie at home and with no voice. He wants absolute power and control over you.

He's a control freak and your doing everything he wants you to

Thanks coldiron to be fair, he came and said,‘let’s not row’ but I’m still cross.

Sorry! I somehow missed your replies, attila and charlie thank you very much, lots to think about. I think I will find a solicitor tomorrow just as someone said, it’s worth beginning to find out. Then at least I’m not going in circles.

Mi ex fiance shouted at me “fuck off” with all his anger and might once. I could never came back from it, he may have been half asleep when he did it but I just couldn’t forget it. It felt as if we had crossed a threshold on the direction of when you start throwing things to each other and I didn’t want to go there.

Manipulation.

Maybe you are right,but how is it manipulating to say let’s not row? Quite often he’ll say things back to me that I’ve said to him - this is one of them.

sorry, ill stop being petty now. Will call solicitor today.
thank you everyone.

Your husband sounds awful, and agree with others you need to assess what could happen financially via a divorce. See a solicitor and assess your options.

If you are 60, you could gave another
30 years with this man! No chance!

Me again, sorry. Just feeling so anxious and stupid and bad.
On Monday night stupidly thought I’d pour a g and t while chatting to my friend. Got far too drunk, chatting about stuff that stresses me not her ( my pathetic excuse). Tuesday morning DH was furious, as he should be. He’s stressed at work, his colleague who is now promoted said he was hiring someone that could do DHs job, and he should look for another job. He wasn’t going to tell me this. He’s cross because I’m in contact with my cousin who is trying to drive a wedge between him and our DS. Im friends with the friend he wanted me to be cross with. I’m being taken for a fool. He needs calm and stability.
he came in at 6 and went straight to bed. I took his dinner up. At least he muttered ‘bye’ this morning.
Just feel so bad. I know he wants me to have a full time job, but thinks I’m taking the Mickey when all I can get are minimum wage.
just feel like I’m letting him down and I’m a failure and I get so anxious and confused - At the moment I earn double that as a part timer. I’m good at it. I enjoy it. It makes sense to me to focus on increasing that. But every now and then he will lose his temper as it’s not enough, not a regular wage.Then I lose all my confidence and have to pick myself off the floor again.
hes obviously resentful and pissed off. How do I change that? Ltb is such a massive thought.

Come on OP, can you imagine living the rest of your life with this prince amongst men? What does he bring, what?

Imagine yourself able to work as you please, clean as you please, do as you please.

He is a broken, angry and unhappy man. This isn’t your fault, it isn’t our job to pick up the pieces of broken men. Look after yourself, put yourself first, find a new happier life.

You are just going round in circles. If you do nothing, nothing will change. If you do something( anything that’s different to your normal) then something will change and you can move on from there.
It honestly sounds like you don’t want change

It's manipulative to say "let's not row" if he's been rude, unpleasant, critical, argumentative or shaming, because it's an attempt to gloss over his behaviour (again) without taking any responsibility for his actions. He hasn't explained or apologised. He hasn't made any commitment to change or acknowledged the impact of his abusive behaviour on you. He's just saying 'that's enough now, move on'.

You're confused because it is immensely confusing to be emotionally abused and gaslit. It will never become less confusing and it will never improve. The first steps towards leaving are so hard. Please, please seek specialist help. You deserve so much more than this.

It's sounds like your DH is stressed about money and it builds up inside him until he explodes.

As you only work part time and don't seem able to earn enough money to ease the burden, he finds you an easy target to take out his frustration out on.

I'm not saying that's right but if you could address the main cause of his concerns it might solve some problems.

So what's the financial situation? Did you give up full time work today look after dc many years ago, and they are now grown but you didn't really bother to get another job and it had previously been agreed you would so he sees you are lazing about at home when you should be contributing financially as previously promised?

If he's concerned about how he's being treated at his work I'd suggest he looks on acas website for advice or contacts acas. If he loses his job you won't have much money coming in and you could lose your house if you can't pay the mortgage. So I can see why he's worried.

So if you do freelance work it can be well paid but sporadic. Sounds like he wants you to have something more contracted that can be relied on?

Is there really nothing you can use your skills as that offers that kind of security?

What puts you off doing say part time low paid work and doing freelance stuff as well? Perhaps four mornings a week on Asda tills or something and afternoons free to do your freelance as and when it comes in?

Do you get benefits?

Your husband is an abusive piece of shit.

You have two choices. Stay and put up with his abuse for the rest of your life. Or leave and experience some short term pain for long term gain. Peace and quiet for the rest of your life. Bliss.

I know it's not easy splitting up and it'll take all the strength you have to do it. Rally support in real life. Your friends and family will be there for you.

You ask how you can change him being resentful and pissed off and the answer is that you can’t, and even if you could it is not your responsibility.

His work thing sounds strange, usually you can’t just replace someone unless they have grounds to sack you. Either he isn’t telling you the whole truth or he needs to speak to acas or citizen’s advice if he doesn’t have a union. Either way though it is his fault or his boss’s fault, definitely not yours, so why is he taking it out on you? Because he is a nasty bully. Try to find your anger OP

Wow, you're as bad as her partner, she doesn't need abusing when asking for help!
Do you know how hard it is for women to leave this situation?

You do need to end this. He is abusing you and this is why you have no self esteem and constantly doubt yourself.

I can assure you that as scary as leaving might feel to you, once you are out the other side, with no contact from your abuser and you are settled, life is so much better. I was married for 25 years to my abuser. My life now, seven years post split, is calm and happy.

OP is a victim of long-term, covert insidious emotional abuse. You clearly have no understanding nor insight into it whatsoever. Keep your frustration and impatience to yourself, you only make her feel even less confident and worthy with that sort of comment and it does more harm than good. It's kicking someone when they're down and that despicable. If you have so little compassion for emotional abuse victims, keep your unhelpful comments to yourself. Shame on you!

I get it OP! He's taken a long time to grind you down this much and render you this emotionally beaten and financially dependant and he's done it very subtly and insidiously. In such cases it's never easy nor straightforward to just up and leave, so my advice is to start researching your legal and financial rights- ring Citizen's Advice and book an appointment, and also ask them if you qualify for Legal Aid if you have a low income. Ring Women's Aid and discuss what I am thinking is a long-term, very covert pattern of behaviour with your H- he's nice and normal for long periods then he becomes verbally unkind and unjustly critical, and he starts to gaslight you? Is that about right OP?
My STBX had that sort of pattern of seeming to be a good-enough person for long periods then seeming to loose the run of himself, although it manifested differently to your H- binge drinking to falling-down drunk and disappearing for hours or overnight. His bad behaviour escalated though and I was a shell of the person I truly am at the end but somehow found the strength to kick him out. You may have to be the one who leaves but you need to do it from a place of calm, clear thinking- making your head rule your heart, after gleaning as much information, legal and psychological , as you can. Individual counselling or therapy would be helpful too, and if you can't afford it like I couldn't, search online for free sessions- I found it here in Ireland with Turn2me and had 6 free online video sessions with a qualified therapist which were really helpful and empowering- I would think there must be a similar free service in the UK?
I do encourage you to equip yourself with as much info and support as possible, to build up your confidence, help you develop good boundaries about the sort of treatment you will tolerate from others, up your expectations of people and start building yourself up and creating an exit plan because your H is a covert emotional abuser and I'm sorry to say he will only get worse the longer you stay with him and keep taking it.
I'm so sorry OP and wish you all the best! It's not you- it's him! It's time to become your own best friend because he's not your friend at all!