Told to fuck off again

[Aurorausher]

I know it’s nothing like stuff ladies go through but partner just told me to fuck off and get out of his home office. He was putting as much venom as he could into it. It’s happened before and I hate it. I’ve gone out and texted him he’s never to do it again. We are supposed to be meeting friends later, what do I do? He’s not resided and not sure I can be jolly in front of mates

Hello, me again. well we made it up, and he kept nagging me to do the thing he was swearing about. . I finally did it, this week, in the way I felt happy with ( it was having a tricky conversation)- and he wasn’t happy at all with how I’d done it or the result I’d got.Threatened to smash my glass coffee table - it’s by the bin because he doesn’t like it. I guess it is a bit tatty.
Next day he’s cross because I’m cleaning the house but I haven’t done enough. I said I’d done some freelance in the morning and he told me her has to work all day while my freelance was self indulgent rubbish.
he doesn’t realise how long spring clean type housework takes - it looks effortless but it means all sorts of fannying as it was well cobwebby. I’d also done other stuff.
today I’m cleaning and sorting again, and he is very obviously not talking to me.
it’s weird every 6 months or so he gets really cross and disses what I do. I get that he is frustrated because he’s the main earner. I just find it difficult to recover and get confident enough to hustle again.
any tips on how to bounce back? Thank you!

P.s it’s odd because it’s when I work really hard at keeping the house tidy is when he says ‘what have you done all day’

Get rid. Then you'll find life much less stressful.

So depressing the number of people who think this is excusable because he's At Work!! The man's doing his office job not negotiating world peace. If he's so stressed and pressured by his zoom calls and spreadsheets that he can't speak civilly to his partner if he needs to ask them to leave the room, then he needs to find a role more in keeping with his competence where the pressure would be less.

Why are you with this abusive man 🙃

That does sound exasperating for him.

Op you've had a couple of threads with different incidents where your husband is being a knob, people can keep giving advice but what do you want to do? You need to make a decision if you want to continue to shut up and accept him treating you like this or get away from him.

OP he is riding roughshod over your feelings and I’m getting the sense you aren’t confident in setting boundaries. I think you need some time away from the relationship to work on your self-confidence. Unfortunately, people will push you when you’re not assertive. Horrible that it’s your husband doing it though.

Thanks everyone. I think you are all right and I keep wimping about hoping it will change or it does seem to be fine for a while. Also you are only hearing my side of the story. I read other threads and it seems so obvious that the chap is being awful, but somehow it’s hard to see when it’s possibly you. You can tell me, but I can’t know it, if you see what I mean. I just question and keep hoping.
Ive read Lundy Bancroft but it doesn’t seem to apply, he is nothing like the men there.
I know he’s tired, I wake him at 6 with a coffee, and his drive with traffic is often an hour, then a long day. When he comes in he’s tired and goes to bed as soon as he can after dinner.
he does wfh one day a week, more if he can swing it, which seems ok? I don’t know why he doesn’t train if the drive is so awful. It is tiring..see! I am going round and round again.

You’re making excuses for him and his awful behaviour.
you deserve better

But it sound like you have given him a lot of chances.. are you sure you mean it this time?

Why don’t you work OP? Young kids? No confidence?

@Aurorausher
I'll be honest and say I married a guy like what you describe. I married him because it stopped for years. Then we had kids and bam! Back to the ways before but multiplied. He will not change OP and it WILL get worse. If it bothers you now then you need to find someone else because I promise you, it will get worse. I'm sorry. I wish had someone said this to me.

This. Read it back to yourself. He’s not normal. You are.

Oh honestly op you need a good shake. Stop posting about his behaviour, it will never change. Either leave or put up with it.

You can lead a horse to water but can’t force it to drink. You have had a lot of advice over the threads you have started regarding this ‘man’. You start a thread, u get advice to leave, you read it, go away for a bit then rinse and repeat. I do hope you find the strength to leave, not sure what more advice can be added

Thanks. I know I sound pathetic. Guess just confused, we’ve been together For Years, kids left home.
It’s like having a wobbly tooth, I need to be VERY sure as leaving will financially and emotionally be very difficult. I have no particular place to go (no family) and very limited funds.

I would think your adult children do not visit you very often because they know all too well what their dad is like towards you. In their eyes you could have been seen as putting him before them and your own self. You e shown them this treatment of you is acceptable to you.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs, all this about being together for years is a part of this thinking. Do not be afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and move on with your life. This man is not the boss of you, nor is he above the law. Seek legal advice re divorce here because knowledge is power. You having limited funds is no reason to stay with him either. And you do not want to be his carer going forward.

Me again. Another row. DH told me my job was self indulgent annd useless. everything I ever do doesn’t earn enough. He asked when am I going to get my act together. As I’m nearly 60.
I don’t know is the answer. I get totally anxious and have to scrape my confidence off the floor. I said some encouragement would be helpful,all we do is talk about your work, when do I get to discuss stuff with you? He said to stop making out it’s his fault. I now have to sort out stuff for my freelance and I just feel sick and that it’s impossible, what’s the point.
I get confused because when we chat it feels like if I say , ‘don’t get angry/whatever’ he says,‘I’m not getting angry, you’re getting angry’ which confuses me.
I find it difficult to keep having the confidence to get out there. When I find a job, it’s been £12 or so an hour which he says isn’t enough. He’ll pick a fight as I go out the door or tut, so I’m unsure before I get there.
He sees himself as patient and me as lazy and not wanting to work. He denied telling me to F off, and that my work is self indulgent. Finally he said, ‘if he did, it’s because he was angry and he’s trying to get me moving’
Once again, I’m feeling sick, and rubbish, and questioning how do I earn money?

Thanks barranyk and attila that’s very scary, I hadn’t realised that.

Just because your partner isn’t as extreme as the examples in Lundy Bancroft, doesn’t mean he is not abusive.

Sounds like he is telling you the narcissists prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

Omg, that does. I hadn’t heard it before, thanks coldiron
thing is he is seeing a therapist. Apparently she’s said his family are narcissistic. And I’m too easily walked over. Do you think she will be realizing he must be a bit narcissistic too?

I don’t think a diagnosis matters really, just understanding that his behaviour is abusive, he is unlikely to change and the best thing you can do is leave