Told to fuck off again

[Aurorausher]

I know it’s nothing like stuff ladies go through but partner just told me to fuck off and get out of his home office. He was putting as much venom as he could into it. It’s happened before and I hate it. I’ve gone out and texted him he’s never to do it again. We are supposed to be meeting friends later, what do I do? He’s not resided and not sure I can be jolly in front of mates

This would only happen once in my relationship.

So would I. Take him at his word.

There have to be consequences for treating you like that. There are ways of stating that you want your partner out of your office and telling them to fuck off isn't one of the acceptable choices.
Don't go out if you don't feel like it.

If it's part of a pattern of shit behaviour though, the best thing you could do is accept his invitation to fuck off i.e. end the relationship. You can't accept being spoken to like that.

OP, what would you like your life to be like in 2/3 years time? Still living with DH, feeling trodden down and disrespected, lacking confidence?
Or do you see yourself living your best life, enjoying peace of mind, feeling more positive and confident and knowing your own self worth. You are clearly very competent at what you do, even if it is part time at the moment, it just seems that each time you build yourself up to be able to earn money, you get knocked down again by your DH and this has become the cycle you live in.
Hopefully, you will see that you are worth much more than this and find the courage to change the situation. 💐

He needs calm and stability? He's a cheeky bastard. What calm and stability does he provide you with?

LTB may be a massive thought, but it can be done. Break it down into very small steps. The first ones are to arrange appointments with a divorce lawyer and with Women's Aid.

Please get away from that horrible lump of human waste, he will ruin the rest of your life if you don't.

Thank you! Lots of good advice indeed. I spent today job hunting - thanks delicious I need to get earning and thanks bubbles .
row this morning because he still doesn’t like how I’m talking to the 2 people. He says I’m being walked over, I say I’ll deal with them in my way, which is to chat not fight/cut them off. He says I’m choosing them over him.
hes still not talking to me because I got so drunk. Not a good thing, but it was 3 nights ago. I’m anxious but I’m also pissed off and thanks to you guys not swimming around in confusion. He’s being super chatty to teen, and once again, ignoring any tv suggestions I make. It’s so cringe.
he sees his therapist tomorrow, im super tempted to email her, he’s not so poor little me, but of course I can’t.

me again, just rambling.
He’s seen his therapist and she has shown him jungian personality types. So he is very practical and based in reality and I’m very intuitive and emotional. And hide from reality.
great.
i feel about 2” tall and utterly confused, anxious and useless.

well he’s talking to me , long enough to tell me this at any rate.

OP about therapy - it’s his space, tell him you don’t want to know what is discussed there.
Because he shouldn’t be reporting back, and any good therapist would not make any comment about you, your personality type, or any other personal comment.
Whatever he is saying to you, he’s manipulating it.
I am going to be honest. I have read some very upsetting posts on here by women in dire danger.
Yours may not seem as serious, but this man is destroying you. Or he has got you into a place where you are letting him.
You have one life and this man is making you miserable.
Only you can decide what’s best for you, but living in this man’s world sounds so destructive.

Disrespect is a deal-breaker for me but relationships can also include a lot of trouble on both sides that lead up to outbursts. Either way I would be needing a chat and apology before the day is up, certainly before any outings or social engagements (even if that means a mini chat to apologise and pin it for later). Of course if I'm going to make disrespect an issue and have requirements to resolve it if it happens then ideally I would have had this agreement at the start of the relationship. It's awkward but start as you mean to go on. I don't think it's a good idea to just wing it on love and dreams or hopes, we have to try to lay the groundwork, the boundaries early on so we can prevent issues developing. Now let's say you have a deal- breaker, then it's time for relationship therapy if we can't talk it out ourselves. I think it seems like the majority of people end relationships when they go wrong without deciding to do the work to get through the challenges. There's no value in relationships (marriage) when people end it because they choose themselves (ego) over the relationship. Assuming a relationship is right, it needs to be given priority and fought for. People today think more about their wants, their needs, etc rather than viewing the relationship as a promised commitment and in my view that's why divorce is so high and likely, increasing. Think about your grandparents and their parents and how poorly viewed divorce was. If you do the counselling and the work and it's only causing harm or not improving sure, time to call it, but not till then (in my opinion).

*It does happen that people may choose to hurt the people they love. If so, I think that's trauma from their earlier life, typically childhood and it should be dealt with with counselling. Men just want to handle it themselves but if they're not in control of themselves clearly they're not handling it.

*I continually shock myself when it dawns how opinionated/lecture-esque my posts sound but we are here to share right? Hopefully you can see the intent and find something useful 😅💖

OP I wouldn't trust what he tells you. He can twist and manipulate anything his therapist says. His actions show you who he really is. If he still lacks love and respect for you then your relationship is over. I'd make plans to leave and get on with your life.

You could find a job paying a million pounds an hour and he’d still kick off because you aren’t the issue, him being an emotionally abusive twat, who would find/ invent any excuse to belittle and humiliate you, is. I don’t know what has motivated him to ‘engage’ in therapy but it certainly won’t be to stop being a vile twat to his wife.

You need your own therapist to support you to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship.

All of this!

OP you have literally no idea if his therapist said any of this. He has carte blanche to make up any old shit and pretend she said it to him. This is what men like him do all the time. You treat everything he says as if it's the gospel truth (I was the same) and in fact it's either bullshit or his accusations are his confession. Just ignore him.

Maybe couples therapy would be useful too, afterall, his self reflection doesn't necessarily address possible issues in the relationship

I do agree about the abusiveness but if marriage vows included that no man or woman could ever get angry or upset I don't think anyone would take it up 😅 I think when rightly condemning this outburst we need to be realistic as well. Also, I think any husband would be shocked if he got served divorce papers because over a 1-2 week period he told his wife to F-OFF twice (or a multi year live together relationship). It's horrible, disgusting, disrespectful, unloving but surely grounds for discussion and therapy not quitting the relationship. If it's historic that's another matter, but a multi year commitment over two F-bombs seems a little knee jerk. I do like the idea of doing as he suggests and leaving him to fend for himself in the house for a few days/weeks.

You're in an abusive marriage.
If you can get out and divorce you must do this. Only once you leave and start having counselling yourself will you be able to look back and see what was going on.
His behaviour looks like he has no emotional regulation. I wonder if he is also neurodiverse combined with childhood trauma where he saw his parents treating each other like he does to you.
Over the years it seems you have let the standards drop. More and more you allow him to do this to you as abuse now becomes the norm.
Please listen: the atmosphere in your home is not normal. It's abusive and damaging.

Aurorausher · 02/08/2024 17:31
thanks! Not on work call - he’d like me to call someone im not comfortable with and my point was, discuss how we can approach it and you help me it rather than get cross. I then said , ‘you’re now getting cross-I’d like help not badgering. ‘ oops.

While he should not be swearing at you, would you go into an office, or queue up in a shop to speak to your husband to 'discuss' something?
'Excuse me, I just need my husband/wife to stop doing that, and do this, instead'

You have interupted him at work, wether he is 'on a call' or not. You mention at least one other time - how often do you feel the need to disturb his work?
I would not put up with any one swearing at me, but you are being disrespectful - working from home is working. Your head is, or should be in another space.
So many people cannot grasp this, with their 'Can you just...'

I'd be the first to jump on a male apologist, but I get the frustration. I would say the same about a man interupting a woman. (my neighbour to me, frequently!)

Have you tried reading the thread at all? Just The OP’s posts? It would take you 5mins and may make your opinion relevant.

Yes, exactly this.

@Aurorausher I’m so sorry you are still stuck with this man. This is all about him, not you.

His therapy is unlikely to help your marriage as he’s gone into it to help himself- he may eventually get to your marriage but at the moment it will be all ‘me, me, me!’.

He has learned that there is a choice between powerless and powerful, and hasn’t learned to function as a couple. He needs to keep you powerless- criticise your work, your prospects, your earnings, your friends…
He won’t ever help you, as it’s not in his interests. So don’t ask him for help or support- he can’t give it.

As you love him, think of it as a sad flaw in him that he can’t see/feel how things are for anyone else.

But don’t let that keep you there. You’ll be much happier and more successful with your business if you aren’t dealing with him. And a part time minimum wage job to pad out your business while it grows to full time is a reasonable plan if that’s what you want.

Re the ‘let’s not fight’ thing… He’s using you as an emotional punchbag and when you try to defend yourself, blaming you for fighting.

Darvo- deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender. You’ll see he does a lot of it.

Please line up your ducks and plan an exit.

I'm very concerned that this therapist saw fit to "diagnose" you when she only has your H's words about you to go on! I wasn't a therapist but I was a psychiatric nurse for 12 years and do know a bit about models of therapy; I would regard it as poor practise to do what his therapist has done, at the very least, if not actually unprofessional. Many therapists work completely alone and have no what is called in mental health circles "supervision" on their caseloads, which is when you meet with another MH professional who is more experienced or qualified than you to discuss the progress of your work with your clients and how it is affecting you, plus how your personal life is affecting your work. It's really therapy for therapists. If this one is a Jungian, she/he may well work without supervision and IMO this can make them prone to being too subjective and vulnerable to being manipulated by clients, or to at least only see the situation from their client's POV. Also, consider the source of this information- your OH! He has a vested interest in making you feel bad about yourself , hasn't he? Maybe his therapist hasn't said this about you but he's taken general information she has shared about Jungian personality types and used it against you. Lied through his teeth in other words!
That is the way I see it anyway but I would imagine many MH professionals would regard it as bad practise to analyse or diagnose a person who was not their client, they did not know, had never met and only had their client's opinion of to go on! Dismiss this take on your personality now OP, it is unhelpful to you to say the least, and as I say above, when it comes to your OH telling you what other people say or think about you, consider the source- him, and the fact he is not your friend in any way whatsoever.
P.S. I'm a person who is emotional and who functions mainly in my feelings too OP and there's nothing wrong or pathological about that; we just have to learn to balance it with thinking and to learn when it's in our best interests to have our head rule our hearts. It can be done OP, I can do it now, it's just takes the resolve and practice so you can do it too and more power to you!

But it's not just about being told to fuck off is it? Sometimes it's easy to describe the concrete things going on such as being sworn at.
Op's DH seems to be subtly undermining and controlling what she does which is not always that easy to recognise.

It seems common sense for you to expand your freelancing as that pays more than any entry level jobs you would be likely to get. Ideally DH would be supporting you in this and boosting your confidence, not knocking you down.

I used to live with someone who was dismissive and behaved like they didn't like me, it was soul destroying. I only realised afterwards how much headspace that relationship took up. When I left I had so much more energy and confidence

He's a cunt, OP. Abusive through and through. Your partner is meant to make you feel better, not anxious and like shit.

He's violent too.

Get rid.

Nor mine, happily.

I think he's just a highly strung idiot and I hate to say it, but I sense OP is too timid/submissive.

We should protect ourselves and knowledge is power but I caution against the recent internet trend to be psychiatrists- if we listened to it, we'd think there's an epidemic of narcissism when the clinical number is under 1% and we'd think most men hated women and most women hated men.

This could be a sign of other things or maybe it's not that threatening. I would never tell a victim of domestic abuse "not to be a quitter" and "just do the work", but I caution against framing this is as violence. I don't know what the stats are on abuse in relationships I would guess under 40%, Google says 25% for women but thats reported. Im glad women will warn others about possible danger but calling quits without seeking help seems premature. I think divorce is sought out wrongly more often than abuse happens to women in relationships.