Cannot cope with wife anymore.

[YourLimeBirds]

I am really struggling to cope with my wife’s behaviour and emotions.

She is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. She no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my wife flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my wife’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and her friends: she feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to her first. She didn’t speak to one of her sisters for 2 years.

She only does this with people she feels comfortable with, she wouldn’t act like this with her work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with her because she will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when she is home because I don’t want to listen to her endless criticism of me or say something to upset her.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know she unhappy with her life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

Why do you think she’s like this? Why is she so apparently angry and sad?

Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds very hard. Someone needs to have an honest conversation with her about her mental health. A there anyone she is open to hearing that from?

What can you do other than leave? Nothing. She sounds like an awful person. Has she always been like this?

Tell her that you’re worried that she is unhappy and think she should see the GP and get some counselling.

Has she been to the doctors at all about how she feels, what age are your children and has she always been like this?

How old is she? If she hasn’t always been like this then the menopause can literally sent some women crazy

Life is too short to be unhappy, scared and miserable.

religion shouldn’t make you feel like this.

we only get one life and it shouldn’t be dictated by old tales and beliefs.

do what you want to do.

don’t waste your life.

Completely agree. Leave.

You say it might be better if you had a higher paid job? What job does she do? If she's vile because of money, she can do something about that just as well as you can.

People talking about "her mental health"... if this was a woman talking about her husband no one would be talking about "his mental health", it would all be "LTB", which is exactly what OP should do in this case.

Some people are just awful, to be frank. It isn't always mental illness that makes people vile.

If you do have to separate (even though you say that it’s not an option) please keep the children with you

If separation is not an option, it's time to stand up to her and if that means she doesn't speak to you for a month or 2, well that sounds like bliss. She sounds absolutely awful, but you need to stand up to her and tell her you are not taking it anymore.

How does she treat the children? How old are they? I know you said you can't leave but it's that or allow her to negatively affect both you and your children. This is not healthy for any of you, including your wife. Could you access counselling for yourself to try and find strategies to cope whilst you work out what the future holds for you as a couple?

How old is she? Could this be menopause related?

She needs to visit a doctor.

If you can't physically separate then you need to create boundaries and distance to minimise the impact on you, while at the same time developing greater assertiveness to step up and protect your children. Your wife is presumably incapable of physically overpowering you? If so, there is nothing to say you need to stick around to be shouted at and criticised. Take the children and leave the room or better still the house. Don't engage with it. Do not try to arbitrate between her and your family. See them without her. Keep up your own support networks so you have other people to speak to to dilute her impact on you. And really you should be working towards separation. All cultures that I'm aware of will tolerate and accept a man divorcing his wife if he has reason.

She is abusive.

An abusive parent will absolutely have an effect on the children.

Someone who was in an abusive marriage said it’s not always easy to tell you are in an abusive relationship because they wear you down over time and blame you or blame over things/people.
She said if you ever feel like you’re having to walk on egg shells, even just once, you are in an abusive relationship.

I am not sure if you are a man or a woman but I would definitely ring women’s aid or the equivalent and get some advice.

The best thing to do would be to separate and kick her out but I understand that can be difficult when living with an abuser.

This is not ok OP and no one should live like this.
You have reached out on here which is a great first step.
Please keep going 💐

Sounds like textbook EUPD / BPD, as much as that condition can ever be textbook. It sounds awful for the person with it, but by god even harder for those living with them.

If it is that she’ll need a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and then can access things like dialectic behavioural therapy which has been shown to work in many cases.

Good luck. There are some Subreddits it might be worth following around this topic, which is where I stumbled across it and it made a lot of sense for some people I knew.

Wait I’d like to hear her side so she was parenting a child who had too many sweets and your sister stepped in ? Non of your sisters business

So much this.

Totally agree.
As per standard advice on MN, I’d just leave her so she can wallow in her own misery.

There's always a way out, divorce her. Life's to short to be with someone like that,

Some people just thrive off drama, and if there isn't a family drama going on with someone not speaking to someone, then they will create the drama. I've met a couple of adult women who are like this.

Honestly, I walk away, I don't want it in my life so just block them. It's a bit harder for you though, having to share 3 kids. If you split I'm sure she will make your life unbearable at times (I've watched this over the last 13years of dh's life with his ex - also someone who will fly off the handle and refuse to speak to some family members for years, until she wants something from them).

So yours options are - suck it up buttercup. Grit your teeth, carry on as you were until the dc are adults then walk away.
Or, divorce her. But if you still want contact with your dc, then you will still have to put up with the behaviour. So it's not necessarily the easier option.

@YourLimeBirds how she is behaving isn't anything to do with your job or assertiveness. She seems to either have deep routed personality probs or maybe she's just sad and feeling misunderstood for some reason. I get what your saying re cultural issues and separation. She seems to be in deep mental anguish. You need to talk to her re how she is, but you shouldn't approach it by saying why are you behaving like this but to ask her how she is and gently get her perspective on some of the issues. Im from a culture where it seems its always the daughter in laws fault, they are not heard/blamed and are frustrated and subjugated. These open conversations will be hard but the only other option is to seperate with all that means for your family unit and kids

Protecting your children MUST be more important than culture and religion. If this escalates such that social services become involved and remove your children from their parents care, what use is culture and religion going to be to you then?

I grew up with a volatile mother and I am now paying the price for it as an adult. None of you deserve to live like this but there's only one person who has the power to do anything about it and that's you. You can't change your wife, you said it yourself: she controls herself around friends and work colleagues so she is choosing not to do so at home. The only thing you can control is what you do and I would strongly urge you to take actions to safeguard your children.

But doesn't warrant flying into a rage and then never speaking to the sister again.

She sounds like my mother. If anyone does anything she doesn't like she immediately gets angry. Consequently people either spend their whole time tiptoeing round her to make sure she doesn't get angry (even if this means doing highly unreasonable things) or don't bother with her any more.

OP - is there any chance your wife might be open to therapy to look at her behaviour? Or does she insist that others are the problem? I agree with others that you should probably separate if you refuses to change, but that's problematic as it means the DC will have no one to advocate for them when she's with them.

All you can do is leave.

I agree with this.

Not the part about "old tales and beliefs" because regardless of my opinion of religious and cultural beliefs they are your opinion.

However that said, it doesn't sound like your wife is treating your marriage within the bounds of most religions or cultural beliefs (fundamentalism aside). Because a good marriage is based on mutual respect and you should feel able to discuss things with your spouse.

(And i include in that very traditional marriages where the husband considerd the head of the family" because in those cases he should be making decisions considering his wife's wants and needs.)