Cannot cope with wife anymore.

[YourLimeBirds]

I am really struggling to cope with my wife’s behaviour and emotions.

She is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. She no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my wife flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my wife’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and her friends: she feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to her first. She didn’t speak to one of her sisters for 2 years.

She only does this with people she feels comfortable with, she wouldn’t act like this with her work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with her because she will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when she is home because I don’t want to listen to her endless criticism of me or say something to upset her.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know she unhappy with her life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

Don't leave the kids with her. Make sure you keep them.

She sounds very unhappy. Can you persuade her to see a doctor? Make some notes and see if there's a pattern. Or maybe couples counselling? This isn't about you not earning enough - if it were, she would be sitting down with you to see if e.g. one of you working towards a qualification could help get a better job.

I'd love to hear her side of this!!!

Yes agreed.

I just knew before I even read it that there would be a ‘cultural and religious’ aspect. Women in ‘cultural and religious’ situations are very often powerless when traumatic things happen to them.

She sounds distressed and unwell. Please tell her you love her and encourage her to speak to a doctor.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

Nicely, OP, I don't understand how this can be a thing or how you can be willing to put up with abuse because of religious reasons. She sounds awful.

who does the bulk of childcare? I think it's time for you to step up (if you aren't already) to protect your children, If you really can't leave, then within the home, start making an effort to take on more and more of day to day management of things. This will help if you do separate down the line. As importantly, it will give your children a clear sense that you are in charge.

The one thing I will say however in her defence, is that I lost my temper with BIL once - he was "defending" DS. DS had behaved APPALLINGLY. This was exacerbated by the fact that we'd had a long conversation in advance and we had agreed a compromise that he then completely disregarded. When BIL got involved, I don't think I've ever come so close to hitting someone in my life - I am DS' parents, him and I had a very clear agreed arrangement that he had broken and then behaved badly and I was livid that some random person thought he could step in and excuse DS' behaviour while I was standing right there. If your wife has been trying to limit sweets, I can see her losing her shit if your sister was overruling her and making her life harder.

This account feels very one-sided: I’d like to hear your wife’s side of the story because there is no apparent attempt to empathise with or explain her behaviour or reactions here. The incident with the sweets may well have been the final straw in her relationship with SIL. If your family are all taking the same line, she may well feel gaslit and ganged-up on. You mention cultural factors - how much time is spent with your parents and family? Do you live together even?

Weaponizing the breakdown of the relationship with her own sister to insinuate that she was clearly in the wrong when she fell out with your relatives is also manipulative. It is possible for someone to have difficult in-laws and a difficult sister. I also note that you are very dismissive of her uncomplicated/successful relationships with other people such as work colleagues- perhaps because this doesn’t support your narrative of your wife as irrational and crazy.

She certainly sounds very unhappy. I’m a bit surprised at people leaping to diagnose serious personality disorders on the basis of this account alone - there may be a lot more going on here, and there are a few red flags in my opinion.

She needs to see a counsellor to discuss her issues. I felt like your wife after many years of struggling with twins and lockdown. Counselling has changed my life and saved my marriage. I was crying all the time, sad and unhappy.

This.

Also I presume the OP isn't planning to step away and single-parent 3 children on his own, with all the work that would involve, so the advice "take the kids with you" is probably a bit useless.

it's hell on earth living with someone who doles out the silent treatment for weeks on end.

she needs to see that this isn't a healthy environment for her children to be forced to live in.

would she speak to someone about it?

If this were a reversal of genders no one would be saying they want to hear the man's side. They'd say LTB

She sounds abusive. Leave and protect the children best you can

Why do religious and cultural reasons keep you in an abusive marriage? No god would want you to suffer like that and no god is worth sacrificing your wellbeing for. Protect your children and take them away from the abuse.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

That really shouldn't have any bearing on treating people with basic decency.

Also OP, is divorce actually not possible within your religion, or is it just not encouraged?

I would strongly suggest you start by getting individual counselling or therapy in relation to this.

Your strategy is placation and not rocking the boat. However, it does not sound like this is working – her behaviour is not changing, and neither you nor your wife are happy. It sounds like this is an extremely toxic environment in which to bring up children, as it will be frightening for them to have such an unreliable and volatile parent.

You need to change approach, and a therapist will be able to help guide and support you in this process. You sound very fearful. However, assuming that leaving is not (as yet) and option, you need to start establishing some boundaries in relation to unacceptable behaviour. For instance, giving someone the silent treatment is a way of staying in control, and is abusive. I can imagine it will be scary for you, but if you want to try to salvage some sort of marriage and reasonable home life, you cannot keep going as you are.

TBH, I'm not sure that she will ever change. These sound like deeply ingrained behaviours. You say leaving is not an option, but I think you may need to put this on the table, too. For the sake of your kids, if nothing else.

Did she even have a choice in marrying you or having children?

No-one ever says that if a woman reports this kind of behaviour from her husband.

there is no apparent attempt to empathise with or explain her behaviour or reactions here.

No-one bothers empathising with an abusive man who is damaging his children. For goodness sake, What's with people on this thread? This man is at the end of his tether and his wife's behaviour is unbearable for him and the children.

There's both misandry and racism in spades in some of the responses.

While I am usually on high alert for men who com eon here and try to find some way to blame their wives, I have been sympathetic to OP.

However, I will say this - it is not racism to say that refusing to separate because of cultural reasons is a mistake. I am no longer willing to accept things that I believe are intrinsically and morally wrong because of "culture". For example, I have muslim family. I respect their traditions and culture, as they do mine. It works well - we have differences but they're not causing any notable moral clashes. But more fundementalist forms of Islam in which girls' education and freedoms are curtailed - nope, I'm not going to "respect" that and it's not racist to take that approach.

In the case of OP, I am morally and intrinsically opposed to anyone feeling they cannot exit a relationship due to cultural or religious reasons even when that relationship is abusive and harmful.

When you say you can't leave due to religious and cultural reasons, what do you mean?
People won't approve?
You'll be shunned?
You'll be harmed or held prisoner?

If leaving is more frightening than staying then all you can do is try your best to shield your children in the hopes their childhood won't be completely fucked up and they won't go on to repeat your relationship in their own marriages.

Maybe see about child therapists to help them cope with growing up in this situation.

Hi OP
was it an arranged marriage?
its very possible that she doesn’t want to be married to you but feels as equally trapped by cultural and religious pressures as you so it lashing out.

You both need go talk and see if you need to stick 2 fingers up at everyone an separate

Sounds like she works too? Who looks after the children?

Are you able to have some time away together without the kids?

If you're both working, then is life perhaps getting a bit much or is she like this all the time?

No, because women don’t tend to write posts like this

This sounds a lot like how my mum used to be (during my teenage years/early twenties — I’m now in my 30s). She had a very very troubled childhood and never learned to handle any kind of “conflict” so would simply shut down and cut people out ruthlessly, including my grandparents (her mum and my dad’s parents), her sisters, multiple friends, etc. She couldn’t keep a job as she would quit at the tiniest perceived slight. It pushed my parents close to divorce but dad stuck around (I don’t know how but he did).

Turns out she has crippling anxiety and it manifested as (for want of a better phrase) emotional aggression — “I’ll abandon you before you abandon me”. She’s also neurodivergent (autism) and, classic, being a woman born in the 70s, no one even considered that might be a possibility. She absolutely could not cope with therapy as she masked throughout it all and claimed she didn’t want to re-live all the trauma of her childhood.

Fastforward to now, she’s on SSRIs and it has made a huge huge difference. She’s suddenly able to take a step back and realise that she used to be absolutely fucking nuts. She’s been able to change her behavior by not taking everything so personally and seeing the impact of her actions on everyone around her. It’s mellowed her out and given her the space from her own emotions to understand that her reactions were fundamentally trauma-based and that she IS in control of them.

I don’t have any specific advice other than to offer some comfort/insight from someone who has been there and is (I hope) out the other side. I truly don’t know how my dad stuck around, but I would say you need to prioritise your own mental health and not blame yourself for HER behavior.

I think you need to decide which is more important - the religious and cultural aspects you cite as preventing separation, or your children's health and wellbeing (and yours). They, and you, are being subjected to abuse that will scar them for life. It's not fair to put your choices (staying for religious etc reasons) ahead of their welfare. You need to leave, and take the children with you. Go to court to be the resident parent.

@TheMightyWanderer has posted something similar to what I was going to say. Could she be overwhelmed/anxious? Autistic? Sounds like these could be meltdowns from just not coping. Not excusing the behaviour at all, but if you can dig into why it happens there's a chance of resolving it if you feel you can't leave.