Cannot cope with wife anymore.

[YourLimeBirds]

I am really struggling to cope with my wife’s behaviour and emotions.

She is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. She no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my wife flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my wife’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and her friends: she feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to her first. She didn’t speak to one of her sisters for 2 years.

She only does this with people she feels comfortable with, she wouldn’t act like this with her work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with her because she will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when she is home because I don’t want to listen to her endless criticism of me or say something to upset her.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know she unhappy with her life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

This thread is making me so fucking angry.

I was the child in a relationship like this. There was NO excuse for the way my mother treated us, and continued to, up to her death. My brother and I are in our 60s and still permanently damaged by her moods. Yet so many people are defending the wife in this OP, because they refuse to believe that a woman could behave this way.

If my dad had tried to get help from here and been given the treatment that the OP has, it would have felt like yet more abuse.

Should my dad have stood up to her? In theory, yes. In reality? He could no more stand up to her than we could. Or at least when he tried it ended badly and we wished he hadn't.

ABUSIVE MOTHERS AND WIVES EXIST. A man deserves to be listened to and not to be assumed to be the cause of the problem.

She sounds awful. Do yourself a favour and get rid.

What religion and culture is it? Others will make assumptions, usually Islam. You can get divorced in Islam though people will talk. If both parties are happier after divorce then the children will feel that benefit.

She sounds like my mum. I was going to recommend you leave. My dad stayed but he's wasted his life imo and it wasn't fair on us kids that we could never get away from it.

Separation is always an option even if divorce isn't. Find yourself a job somewhere distant so you have to work away at least during the week. If you aren't being belittled by her you might find you are able to progress in work better. Sleep in your car for a few weeks if you can't afford a room at first. Prioritise sending money for your children

It’s on average 1 in 4 women who experience domestic abuse and 1 in 6 men.

So yes women experience it more than men but there are a lot of men who experience it too.

It is also much less likely for a man to lie about DA than a woman, due to the stigma surrounding it.
This is even more true in some religions/cultures.

I have never read a thread where posters accuse the OP of lying or want to hear her DH’s side of the story or feel sorry for him, after saying she is in an abusive marriage.

OP may be lying, but so may the women who post on here too - surely you give advice just in case they are telling the truth.

Admitting you are being abused is one of the hardest things you can do and it shouldn’t matter if you are a man, woman, child or parent.

Reaching out for help is a great first step but many people suffer in silence.
Posters on here have proven why so many people don’t reach out, because they are afraid they will be disbelieved.

For all those implying that OP is lying or feel sorry for the wife should re-read the multiple posts on here from posters who grew up with abusive mothers.

Surely they can’t be lying too.

You need to leave.

If you won't leave then you have no other option but to continue as you are.

Your choice.

My ex was like this part of the reason we got divorced. It’s like he couldn’t have normal (my normal is friendly see people when it works for everyone but not in each other’s pockets, zero drama) his normal was much more intense he’d draw people in just to cut them off. It was really hard to maintain relationships apart from him. I actually felt it was abusive as everything had to be centred round him/ his emotions, I felt very isolated and on tenterhooks.

It helped to emotionally detach and stop feeling like we were in it together. So I was able to rekindle relationships with family.

Look up paranoid personality disorder. She might possibly be exhibiting some of the traits. Either way she needs help with her mental health it would seem.

It's actually embarrassing to read the double standards on here.
Calling op weak ffs

Everything needs to be in context doesn't it.

The op has stated there is no divorce ( questionable if actually true or just not optimal decision ) within his culture/marriage.

Lots of cultures that perpetuate this belief are cultures that are dangerous for women, that are oppressive for women, reduce the choice of free will for women.
Some of them even believe it's better for the woman to be desposed off rather than grant a divorce.

No one is saying women can not be abusive, but a woman living in some cultures under certain religions in a certain position within her husbands family has very little recourse if any at all to leave.

Reactive abuse to a situation you can not escape is much more believable to me than a woman who has very little say in her life choosing to be an abusive bully because that's her inherent personality.

There are nuances to consider.

Separation is always an option, assuming you're living in the UK?

You just have to choose it.

I smell narcissistic personality disorder. You are doing great by noticing her behaviour is not right and looking for help.
Whatever you decide to do with regards to the relationship (you mention separation is not an option), ALWAYS stay by your children and stand up to her when she mistreats them. Protect them. Validate their feelings about her (they can see she's not right). Be a reliable witness and a protector to them. A mother with NPD is extremely insidious: when the father is not present or doesn't protect the children, they will live with a lot of grief and damage. Protect them.

I am really struggling to cope with my husband’s behaviour and emotions.

He is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. He no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my husband flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my husband’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and his friends: he feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to him first. He didn’t speak to one of his sisters for 2 years.

He only does this with people he feels comfortable with, he wouldn’t act like this with his work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with him because he will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when he is home because I don’t want to listen to his endless criticism of me or say something to upset him.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know he’s unhappy with his life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

You need to leave, OP, with the children, for their benefit.

Her behaviour is affecting the kids so you need to do your best to protect them, even if that means leaving with them.

If your family have been on the receiving end of your wife's mood then surely they'd understand and support you.

Is there anyone you can speak to in real life.

Separate anyway. Life is too short for stupid rules that forbid you from finding happiness. That's not a culture I'd want to be part of.

This screams domestic abuse to me. Women can be abusers too, it's just their abuse takes a different form. I suggest you reach out to the charities supporting male victims of domestic abuse. There are many charities and helplines out there, a simple Google search would do. You are not alone

The answer would be obvious. Reach for Women's Aid and plan your escape. This is domestic abuse, plain and simple. Thank you for rephrasing. Men can be victims of domestic abuse too.

With respect, culture/religion is NOT an excuse or even any kind of reason to stay in an unwanted/abusive or otherwise dysfunctional marriage (unless you want to). Especially when children are involved. You absolutely NEED to put your children first.

I say this as a practising Muslim woman who walked away from an abusive marriage and had absolutely no qualms about reporting my husband to the police, giving statements and facing him in court on domestic violence charges. I took our DC with me when I left. Never looked back. I did it because I knew I owed it to my DC and because it was the correct thing to do. Who cares what the "community" or in-laws think? The day they pay my mortgage and bills, then maybe I start to care about their thoughts. Until such day, no chance.

Domestic abusive takes many forms, even if your wife isn't hitting or punching you, she's still abusive.

If you want to hide behind culture/religion and use that as an excuse/reason that you "must" stay in such an marriage, then you need to wake up and put your kids first. I don't wish to sound cruel or harsh but it's lame to use such things as an excuse.

Assuming you're in the UK, there are lots of options, including organisations which specialise in helping domestic abuse victims from ethnic minority backgrounds.

My mother was like this to me and to my father (but mainly me). My mental health has never really recovered, it’s made worse by my father enabling her behaviour because I think he was scared of her, and blaming me for her outbursts.

I couldn’t take anymore and am NC with both of them. I wish my father had left her and I might still have some family of origin.

You recognise it as wrong, don’t let perceived restrictions keep you in that situation, otherwise you might end up trapped with just her for company for the rest of your days.

Only you know your wife. If she has always been like this, then it is just her and you really should leave. Alternatively if she’s been through trauma or has changed you should try and get her some mental health support.

Hardly a reason to cut off your spouse's family for years, though, is it?

She sounds abusive. Abusers do not/cannot change. They behave the way they do because they believe that they are entitled to do so. You might find divorce difficult but separation is surely viable? Having her in the house will absolutely impact your children.

This echoes my thoughts.
I must be thoroughly miserable being just "married off" like a piece of meat being sold in a market where you are basically "told" who you're marrying and woe betide you if you dare to challenge it..... Don't even get me started on genetic inbreeding with cousins which is a huge things in a community close to my heart. Done with sole purpose of keeping land, property, wealth, gold and DNA within tightknit family circles.