Cannot cope with wife anymore.

[YourLimeBirds]

I am really struggling to cope with my wife’s behaviour and emotions.

She is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. She no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my wife flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my wife’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and her friends: she feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to her first. She didn’t speak to one of her sisters for 2 years.

She only does this with people she feels comfortable with, she wouldn’t act like this with her work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with her because she will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when she is home because I don’t want to listen to her endless criticism of me or say something to upset her.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know she unhappy with her life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

Don't think any of the posts are racist, but would say some lack cultural awareness or sympathy towards cultural differences, im saying that as a person of Indian origin, there are differences in the response if it was a woman posting about this rather then a man is valid, there tends to be power imbalance skewed in the favour of men who disproportionately have greater freedoms over money, work and whether they get involved in childcare. Your wife prob feels powerless and is lashing out and taking power where she can. Perspective is everything...

Yes, it’s amazing the difference in responses if a man posts.

OP - I would find a way to leave, hopefully taking the children with you.

There could be a good reason why she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. I have seen this in couples where one person has tried time and time again to express their feelings, only to be ignored or for the husband to not back her when family is wrong etc. The woman then feels there is no point anymore and withdraws but for cultural reasons can’t instigate divorce. If she is criticising you, what is she criticising you for? Is it a mistake you have repeated or a change you refuse to make etc? Has she felt bullied by your family and disappointed at your lack of support?

Perhaps couples counselling with someone with experience with religious/cultural background

Exactly. She sounds very depressed and feeling trapped. Your job isn’t the reason. There’s something else going on. I would bet your family have done things before and you have never stepped in. I’ll bet you never step in, for anything.

Of course I could just be projecting. Maybe it’s all her.

It’s really not a surprise. This forum consists of women with a female perspective and experience with men.

What this man is describing sounds familiar to many marriages, and it’s sometimes something the man has created by being weak. Sorry, truth. Not always, but this might be a reflection on him.

I can hear his lack of assertiveness in this post. Maybe talking to her and asking her why she is so unhappy would be good. Do it without kids, family or anyone else. Just how you were when you met, free. Say sorry. Accept that you never stood up for her to your family. People here can’t help without the full story.

There is a hidden and significant number of men who are being abused by women but it never gets discussed as our collective need to deny that women behave in these ways keeps men silenced. If there is no accountability from your wife then you know that you are dealing with a hugely immature woman and you are correct that this will be damaging your children. The fact that you blame yourself and actually think you derserve this because you don't earn enough warrants deeper exploration with some professional help. There is no excuse for her behaviour, absolutely none. We all get sad, angry, frustrated etc but this does not give us the right to be abusive and a mature adult would be willing to own their behaviour. You've had some really good advice upthread but prioritising your children has to be paramount; they need you to protect them.

The really good advice BTW does not include that from @Bangwam1 which is facilitating and enabling abuse.

Even if divorce is not acceptable due to religious views, surely separation would be ok?

You shouldn't have to live like this. Your children should definitely not have to live like this. Do not give in to her rages and sulks, protect yourself and your children.

Facilitating abuse by saying he should communicate and find out what’s going on?

Heres a big tell that this isn’t black and white. He is minimising the upset his family have caused her (and this sounds ongoing, not one event btw)

Sorry I’m just not naive enough to assume this is all one sided.

That isn't an excuse for treating people like shit though. If she is depressed then she needs to go to the GP and take steps to make herself better. Taking it out on her husband and children isn't acceptable.

She needs to take accountability for her behaviour and get some help. Go to the GP, get some therapy/meds. You need to stand up for her, don't let your family stick their noses in.
But don't tolerate her mood swings. My mum is like that and my entire childhood was centred around the whole family trying to placate her and manage her moods. It isn't fair on the DC. Leave if you need to.

I agree with that. I’m just saying, we only have his side of the story. At the moment he sounds a little too perfect and her a monster. I know that’s unrealistic.

She is abusive. Please don't think you can mend her or save her. She knows exactly what she is doing. Please leave and take your daughter with you. This woman will only poison your life.

@Bangwam1 How does one go about 'communicating' with someone who is severely dysregulated or giving one the silent treatment? Accountability in relationships is an integral part of communication; without it there will be a lack of reparation skills and one person will be doing the adjusting to placate the other; which is exactly what you have just suggested by asking him to apologise to her. For what exactly? 'Of course I could be projecting'... yes, you most definitely are; at the very least you black and white/either or thinking - one is a monster and the other is perfect. This is not how the orginal post reads to those with more flexible thinking.

Well, it's not his lack of 'assertiveness' that strikes me, it's his complete failure in this post to attempt to account for why his wife may be so prone to breaking down in tears, followed by angry outbursts and silence.

I mean, I get that he's puzzled and worried, but after all, we're strangers on the internet, he's been married to this woman for long enough to have three children with her, and he appears to have no idea why she appears permanently distraught, and either furious or low, other than that it might be because he isn't 'assertive' and has a low-paid job? (He seems to think she only behaves tearfully and angrily around people she's 'comfortable' with, and says she wouldn't do it with her colleagues or acquaintances - so it may simply be that he thinks that if he were more assertive and high-earning she would not feel able to express her negative feelings around him?)

It could be that she's abusive and a danger to her children, or isn't managing a severe, undiagnosed MH condition with the same effect, or that she's stuck in a marriage that makes her miserable, but which apparently can't be ended for 'cultural reasons'. Or any one of a number of reasons. We can't know.

Compare with another recent thread by a poster who was also in a longterm relationship with a man who continually raged at her, and threatened to leave her to 'shock' her into better behaviour (which meant loving him enough) and the sheer amount of self-blaming, and attempts to excuse his behaviour because of his abusive childhood are a big contrast with this post.

I'm not saying that that poster was right to stay in that relationship, or that it's OK to behave badly if you had an abusive childhood that impacted you, I'm just contrasting that poster's attempts to understand her partner to this poster's apparently inability to understand his wife's rage and despair.

OP you have only made one post where you have listed things that are a red flag for abuse but with no examples to show the context.

The one context that you have given - your sister interfering with parenting over the amount of sweets allowed really doesn't demonstrate what you think it does. Unless your sister immediately backed down and said clearly it was not her choice to make. If your sister argued her 'right' and you backed her, your wife's response is not unreasonable, especially if being undermined and ganged up on is a pattern, reasonable response deemed to be an over reaction etc.

Why is your wife crying and upset? What causes such upset? Is it external/your family/you not having her back - what?

You say that she doesn't behave this way with others. But the devil is in the detail and you don't provide any. I'm loathe to give real details of what this means in an abusive relationship but if this is something you are experiencing you will be able to provide examples.

She is crying and getting upset then angry and giving silent treatment but you are 'too scared' to discuss any issues - so what is she upset about? What do you fear?

Do you think you should be more assertive to tell your family to butt out or to tell your wife your family views are more important than hers.

Why are you walking on eggshells - give us some examples of unreasonable expectations and unreasonable consequences.

What is she criticising about your behaviour or about you as a person that makes you so powerless you ignore the needs of your children and hide in a corner?

Why do you think you need to earn more money - are financial problems contributing to stress?Are you the full time child carer, primary child carer, organise house and home? Are not but unemployed, part time but could be employed or work full time?

I am reserving judgement - not because of some reverse misogyny or because we haven't heard your wife's side but because your account doesn't ring true to someone with experience who has listened to accounts in the Freedom programme. They are unique but share factors that are missing in your account. Common experiences are personalised with reference to lived experience. I feel like ... because ...

I hope you post again.

Why is she so dysregulated? That’s what I’m asking. Could just be your standard personality disorder, sure, but if it’s not…

He should apologise for minimising something important enough to cause her to stop talking to his family. That doesn’t happen over night.

She needs to apologise for the things she does too. She obviously has some very unhealthy patterns learnt from childhood (and no doubt, so does he or they wouldn’t of found each other) It’s obvious to me there’s a lot more to this story.

I agree!

I’m shocked any poster has even mentioned this.

When a man is abusive, we never ask the OP to hear his side or imply she’s to blame in any way.

This is an awful woman who’s abusive behaviour is affecting not only OP but everyone around her, including her kids.

And let's not forget the number of abusive men who have learnt the language who claim their female partner is abusive to them. They think it's all tit for tat, your word against mine.

The key to who is telling the truth is experiential evidence, often going back years. You can't fake that. That's why organisations back women - not because of bias. If a man can provide that same experiential evidence he is believed.

Assuming what we have been told is correct. I'm sure if we asked the wife she'd have a story to tell too...

It must be very tough for your wife.
Sorry.

This is my impression too.

That's because it's not as common (but does happen of course) for women to be abusive compared to that of men being abusive. Its also known men pretend to be victims of their wives poor behaviour when in actual fact they are the abusive one. I am not saying this of the op by the way I am just generalising in response to your comment. We believe women because they tend not to lie about being abused.

💯