Cannot cope with wife anymore.

[YourLimeBirds]

I am really struggling to cope with my wife’s behaviour and emotions.

She is incredibly emotional, and prone to breaking down and crying. This is followed by anger and silent treatment, which can last for weeks. She no longer speaks to my parents or sisters: my wife flew into a rage when my sister defended our daughter, over the amount of sweets she had eaten, and there has been no communication between them for years. This was a massive overreaction on my wife’s part. I have tried to mend things but it hasn’t worked.

Similar things have happened with my parents, other family members, and her friends: she feels offended / wronged and won’t speak to them, unless they speak to her first. She didn’t speak to one of her sisters for 2 years.

She only does this with people she feels comfortable with, she wouldn’t act like this with her work colleagues or acquaintances.

I am genuinely too scared to discuss these things with her because she will get upset / angry, and will never, ever accept any responsibility.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t know what to do. We have three children and this is starting to affect them as well.

I feel like hiding in a corner when she is home because I don’t want to listen to her endless criticism of me or say something to upset her.

Part of it is my fault, if I was more assertive and maybe had a higher paying job, things would be very different.

I know she unhappy with her life and with me.

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

I'm a guy, and this sounds like my wife.

With mine it's hormonal... thyroid imbalances, but also somewhat her cultural upbringing. Any question at the wrong time is an argument or snapping at me - and it wears you down daily. As you've said, you question every word you say, plan it in your head before uttering it, and you never truly relax. Time apart is actively sought, and you actually get anxiety when your key goes in the front door.

I'd say get her tested. Even do a mutual thing "honey, I saw a good deal on those blood MOTs, why don't we do them together" - free on the NHS after 40!

Alternatively/additionally, it could be a control mechanism. She's punishing EVERYONE endlessly by even challenging her. If you argue with me, disagree with me, even say something slightly 'off', I'll blank you forever until you apologise yourself. It's a sadistic control/torture thing some people do (my wife too)... it flips everything to being your fault. Has she threatened divorce over minor things yet? -again, power move.

All you can do is leave or stand up to her. Those are your options.

I'm sure I've seen this before. OP's wife has emotional outbursts, they can't separate for cultural reasons. Several pages of people suggesting diagnoses for OP's wife or criticising her behaviour. Little to no further engagement from OP.

OP if you're doing this just to show your wife people's comments then stop, it won't help. If you're willing to engage and talk with people here you might get some useful advice.

Wow!

So are you saying it’s ok for OP to treat her the same?

If you are unhappy in a relationship is that a good enough excuse to be abusive?

As long as OP doesn’t hit her, is it still ok for him to be abusive in other ways?

My Sil went to the police saying her husband had abused her every which way you could think of. The reality is she had been abusive to him most of their marriage. He was arrested and put in handcuffs publicly. Clearly things didn't add up straightaway as he was not remanded even though the allegations included threats to life with a gun. We were fortunately actually able to disprove all but of course rape. I watched him breakdown whilst on bail in our home because he could never prove otherwise. The police quickly dropped the case. Their own son used to tell people that she controlled and belittled his dad. One story involved her driving on the motorway with their two small kids in the car. She kept speeding up saying she was going to kill them all if he didn't agree with her. More recently she was on the phone crying to everyone who would listen that she had no money for groceries to shame her husband. He had nothing at all on that day but was expecting income the next day. The next day she instructed her husband to take her to Selfridges as he wasn't sure of the way (recently moved to UK) where she spent £300 on shoes. He asked why she couldn't have used some of that for groceries for their kids the previous day. The answer was it was not her job to help him with his responsibility to provide for his family.

He was left inheritance which he bought a home outright and she convinced him to put in her sole name. She's trying to evict him from it now.

She shamed him all the time for not being able to provide the life she felt she was entitled to. A lot of that probably did come from being in an arranged marriage. He did not force her into that marriage. Her mother sought that match because his family were wealthier and had connections and got her brother a job. I'm sure there are a lot of people here who believe she was in an abusive relationship simply because she told them so and the culture and religion. He didn't feel he could divorce her because he would be seen as abandoning and failing his family. By the end his fairly traditional family were begging him to divorce her for his health.

I agree. The reason I find the OP easy to believe is because my mum was similar. She got support and therapy and meds and sympathy. We the kids and my dad who suffered greatly because of what my mum was like got zero support. I'd advise you to get you and your kids away from it op.

@@Bangwam1
There is no such thing as a 'standard' personality disorder because human beings are individuals despite any existing psychiatric diagnosis. Adults are responsible for managing their emotions, irrespective of the cause of the dysregulation. If I am angry/upset etc I manage this through appropriate boundaries and adult communication; not by screaming, yelling, being critical, giving someone the cold shoulder or some other means of displacing my uncontained stuff onto soneone else. You have implied upthread that the OP is weak and responsible for this situation which is totally out of order and precisely the type of ignorance that stops men from speaking out. How would it sound if you were saying this to a female victim of domestic abuse? Talk about a shaming response! I'm not sure that you appreciate that the sort of early years environments and attachment dynamics that produce narcissists, sociopaths psychopaths and generally self-absorbed people, impact males and females alike.

I think it’s a very low frustration threshold. When she is in a good mood things are pretty ok.

She has complained about being feeling down / depressed; the doctor suggested taking some exercise.

recently she has complained about feeling more depressed but she doesn’t want to discuss it with a gp.

I want to get some advice, about how best to handle a bad situation.

Honestly, if she won’t get help and separating is not an option, I would consider separating privately. Lead separate lives but stay in the same house. Be like flatmates.

This is irrelevant to the conversation as she is behaving like this with her own friends as well. Secondly, there are lots of happy arranged marriages and lots of unhappy unarranged ones too. OP, if divorce is not possible on cultural or religious grounds, can you disclose your situation to a Senior in your faith? It's my understanding that every religion has a stipulation both parties in marriage need to treat other with kindness and respect

Op there are lots of questions on the thread you haven’t answered - try to respond to these if you want accurate advice

Separation isn’t an option due to religious and cultural reasons. What can I do?

Change religion?

Putting this book-recommendation extract from my post below at the top here, in case it gets lost:

"The book is called STOP CARETAKING THE BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST: HOW TO END THE DRAMA AND GET ON WITH LIFE, by Margalis Feljstad. How to end the drama and get on with life...doesn't that sound delicious?"

You don't have to live like this. There are a number of possible solutions and interventions. Know that you have choices.

I have very close family members who are like this.

There are a number of interventions you can try, and doing so might give you an insight into whether this is mental-health related, or if she's just a horrible person.

You could sit her down and ask her why she's so reactive. It's very possible that it's not fun for her to live like this either. I just read a good book about people with BPD and NPD that does an excellent job of explaining those disorders - and while I'm not a doctor, I can tell that what you describe sounds similar to BPD. It says there a biological basis for the overwhelming emotions and that the person doesn't know why they feel like this, so they genuinely think it's down to the people around them. And if you really think that the other person has totally caused this tsunami of emotion within you, then you would want to avoid them, wouldn't you? Not saying that's a correct thought process, but just outlining what the book says about what life's like for someone with BPD. Actually, that's an outdated term. It's now referred to as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

You could insist that, for her sake, the children's sake, and the sake of your mental health, that she sees a doctor about this. Refusal to see a doctor and get help should be a deal-breaker. Things cannot continue like this. You're the stable parent, and if your mental health gets affected, where does that leave the children?

And please do take seriously that her condition/behaviour could easily affect your mental health. More than half of spouses caring for a spouse with mental illness become depressed themselves.

Is there any way you can get a break? Take the children to your relatives for a week so all of you can get a break from her? Or send her off for a spa break with a friend for a few days? Anything to get a break from her. And could you schedule an activity or two for the children so that they have a few more hours out of the house each week? Encourage them to visit friends regularly? Just to get them a bit more time on Planet Normal. (I'm not sure how old they are.) I also think you should schedule something fun for yourself one night a week, whether that's an evening at the gym or beers with friends. It sounds like you could all benefit from a few more hours a week away from her.

The book is called STOP CARETAKING THE BORDERLINE OR NARCISSIST: HOW TO END THE DRAMA AND GET ON WITH LIFE, by Margalis Feljstad. It has a lot on how to stop engaging with the drama. How to end the drama and get on with life...doesn't that sound delicious?

I fee for you, I really do. My ex-husband had EUPD, and just having to open his post would set him off. Once, when I was out, he had such a screaming fit over his computer that someone in the barber shop FIVE FLOORS BELOW called the police.

You are not alone. But you are going to have to confront the situation, and it will not be easy. You might want to send the kids to their grandparents for a few days when you sit her down.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hi all, interested in a wider perspective on an issue that's causing friction between wife and myself. Our tween son has his own nimbl card and, when he first got it, he went s bit crazy buying sweets.

Discussed this with him and explained need for care with money, not eating too much sugar (he's very sporty but don't want him getting into bad habits).

Recently couple of incidents, he spent £5 on sweets for him and friends (assures me they take turns buying) then bought a tshirt (fits and a reasonable brand) for £4 from charity shop.

I don't find this unreasonable - he gets pocket money for dusting and mowing lawn and grandad gives him £10 now and then. We are fortunately solvent so the money itself isn't an issue.

Wife gets really angry about this but I don't think it's so bad. My proposal is we take nimbl off him and give him small amount of cash, then if its gone its gone. I don't want to be so strict he ends up being deceitful - from my own experience when young this is what happens. Also, I think he is pretty well behaved and that we should be praising him for this.

My concerns -
A) don't want him being irresponsible with money but would rather he makes mistakes now than when older.
B) if this is how we cope with an issue like this, what happens when something serious happens - sure he won't manage to get to18 without the odd scrape!!

Any thoughts, observations, comments or suggestions gratefully received.

You would never say this to a woman posting this about her husband

@LancsChap Hi, You would be better starting your own new thread rather than trying to get help on someone's old thread from last year. If you report your post here mumsnet can delete it and you can start your own in the relationship section.

Many thanks, first time user, didnt realise it was on an existing tbread

Oh they exist alright, some of us grew up with one. And sadly the sons of women like this often grow up to marry abusive women. I'm watching it now.