6 year old son won't give me any space

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I'm not really moaning. My sons funny and happy go lucky. But he's 24/7 at me and I'm struggling to get stuff done. He wakes up at the crack of dawn. This morning I tip toed through at 6am made a coffee and by 6.07 he was sat next to me. Wanted his breakfast. Not a problem may I add, although I had not even sipped my drink and wanted 10 minutes. I then went out at 6.50 to peg the washing out. He kept talking to me. I was whispering to him to be quiet as its early. He then followed me in and began asking if he could have a shower which I don't mind but he knows I've already said if he wants to meet our friends later he needs to let mummy have a shower and put the washing away that I could not do last night because he refused to sleep until 9.45 because of the heat, but insisted on sitting with Me until I caved and went to lay down with him. Yesterday all day he was at my feet wanting me.
He has a 9 year old sister and sometimes she amuses him and its not so bad.

Its not a moaning post. Its more a is this standard for 6 year old boys? I try and be firm and tell him sometimes that I need him to go play for half an hour or watch tele and let me be in My bedroom so I can sort the washing. But he comes and sits on the bed and just won't accept I want him to go in the other room.

Having a half hour quiet time first thing and before bed is the difference between me feeling ready for the day or smothered. All I wanted to do last night was go in the garden after they were in bed and have one cider as its my night off work (back tomorrow) and by the time he gave in I wasn't able to. Then as top of the post stated he was up 7 minutes after me.

What are your 6 year old like? I actually love how affectionate he is and really hope I don't look horrible in this post. He won't even let me get dressed alone.

I don’t think you sound horrible and I hope nobody else does. It does sound intense. Would he respond to a timer? Like a visual oven timer thing. ‘In 15 minutes, when this goes off, mummy will spend time with you doing xyz. But until it goes off you need to occupy yourself’ you can build up the time, but start small.

Hmm I'm not sure if he would entertain it to be honest. He seems to ignore all my efforts to motivate him. I sometimes say if you don't give me xyz we can't do this. Then he just follows me more demanding that we can do xyz.
Luckily in school time he's in bed by 7. But it's gone out the window. It must be the heat. I work 3 days on and 3 off. So I'm used to having a day at least to potter and tidy and clean. I also just like some time to think. So I know some of it is the school holidays irritating me like I guess lots of mums feel. It's just hard being around children constantly that need entertaining. I was playing out in the 90s by 7 or 8. So I wasn't bored. But times have changed. I would not dream of letting my kids out.

Hi Op, this sounds exactly like what my dd does too it's hard to say it to anyone as I don't want people think I'm a cruel mum but sometimes I get overwhelmed by it I just want to cry it's non stop so I get where you are coming from (hugs).

You need to be a bit firmer with him and stop giving in. Tell him mum is getting dressed now and I would like some privacy please go outside, off you go.

Yeah firm isn't working. I'm not a mouse with him. He does not care. He thinks I'm being rude and refuses harder!

Its so hard. I so needed that hour last night to hear the silence and just breathe. I felt so miffed and woke up fed up and thought maybe I'd get an hour this morning. But no lol.

My 5 year old is similar, although not quite as intense as your 6 year old. He will go off and play in the living room while I peg washing out but he would come out and I'd have to tell him to go away! Feels mean like you say especially as I have a 3 month old so don't want my 5 year old to feel left out when I'm telling him to go away but he has to learn to do some things by himself!

I think you just have to be firm with him, even if it feels mean.

Sending lots of empathy but no advice. My 8 year old son EXACTLY the same. It's hard but he's also lovely. I know by the time he's 10 he'll be in the next phase so I guess not long for me now! It's the zero down time at the start or end of the day that I find hardest too.

I have an intense child. The baby / toddler years were very very intense. I got dragged from room to room, he was into everything I was doing, wanted attention non stop.

I started saying 'occupy yourself', 'find something to play with / do'. I had to be firm to save my sanity because he just wouldn't know what to do with himself besides trying to jump all over us parents.

I got a star chart and set him lots of 'projects' - crafts from The range / Poundland type places as that was his interest. We watched craft videos on YouTube and now he's obsessed with making robots and 'inventions' at his desk area so it's got loads better as he's found a solo interest. He's 5.

Set out some activities that he can do by himself.

You can reinforce this "you can build with Lego while I hang out the washing* then you can show me the cool thing you've made"

*This has to be a boring thing, no point saying you'll be eating cookies in the kitchen or flying drones in the garden.

Or

"You can do some painting/ junk modeling, then after that we need to tidy your bedroom*"

*Or other job he won't be that keen on but needs to be done

Or screentime....

But always present it as first X then Y, his 6 year old brain struggles with if no A then no B, all he hears is BBBB!

If it's a trip later or something you could try writing a to do list with him, ask him what he wants to do.

Lego
Read book with mum
Play football
Play on switch
Practice cello with mum
4pm Cinema

If he only does the other things for 2 minutes you could look at getting a timer

My 6 year old boy is exactly like this! If I try and get work done he’ll come and sit on my lap in the office. I do tell him to get down if it’s work as I do need to get that done!
But I’m constantly being asked to play football or games with him. He’s very clingy right now, I wonder if it’s developmental? He does have a brother he will play with which does help.

When you've said "We can't do xyz if I don't get time to do this" and he ignores you, do you follow through with the cosequence of not going?

My son was a bit like this when he was young. I liked being with him but it was hard to get anything done.
I set a rule that he had to be in his room by 9pm. He didn't have to be asleep but he did have to stay there.
This worked well. He's in his twenties now and lives elsewhere but sometimes comes to stay. He still disappears to his room at 9pm if he's not out with friends!

I just say
"Yes, in 10 minutes - I'm just going to have my coffee" or "go inside please while I hang the washing, I'll be in soon".
Bedtime - I think he needs to start falling asleep without you in the room. Mine have a bedtime routine and then I'm doing my own thing.

Think of it as modelling setting boundaries and expressing your needs.

My five year old boy is exactly the same. It’s 7.42 and I’m already exhausted by him, it’s just constant. He has two 2YO sisters too and he is exactly the same with them. He gets right in their face for attention. Hes playing with one of them currently but he’s talking at her a mile a minute. Nothing to add but offering solidarity!

As parents we are so used to putting ourselves last and giving up our space for our children that I think we feel guilty if we try to reclaim any space for ourselves. Therefore we don't treat this sort of behaviour as misbehaviour like we would, for example, not listening when out of the house or hitting another child. We feel the inadequacy is with us for not being giving enough.

Personally I'd treat this like any other misbehaviour and apply your normal consequences. For me, that would involve asking twice and then making it clear that a consequence would follow if you are not listened to. So "Tom, please could you go and play somewhere else while Mummy gets dressed", "Tom, Mummy is getting dressed so you need to go somewhere else now", "Tom, Mummy has asked you twice. Please listen to Mummy. Go and play somewhere now or this is what will happen". And then follow through.

Tbh this is a good age to start having conversations about boundaries and personal space and how we all need down-time and we need to respect the needs of others.

I get it op. It's draining. It's easy to say to be firm and tell him you need to do abc first then you can do xyz with him, but you get talked at or moaned at or just followed and it wears you down! Mine also needs a lot of adult input and sometimes I'm just done!

You do need to pick your battles here, but some boundaries you really should enforce for both of sakes. You getting dressed - he thinks you are rude or whatever for telling him to go or he ignores you. No. He goes. As firmly as necessary, and no negotiations with a 6 year old thinking you are rude. So be it, think what you want in your own bedroom until I come and get you. He needs to learn that people have boundaries and it's ok to enforce them sometimes, so he can learn to enforce healthy boundaries himself.

I don't think it's because he's a boy. I have a 6yo DS he's not like this (but can be a pickle in other ways), but I do have a 4yo DS who is as you describe. I think some kids are just like this.

That's not to say there's nothing you can do about it, and hopefully it's a phase that will ease off soon. But sometimes you just have to work with what you're got :(

Do you have a DP or other support you can lean over the summer? Play dates or clubs (if you can afford it)?

I totally hear you about just needing that little bit of time at the start or end of the day to BE ALONE to stay sane.

My only concrete advice is to take your own needs seriously. If I were in your position and didn't get any breaks, I would end up snapping before the summer hols were over. That's not going to help anyone.

Good luck, OP!

What are the consequences for him calling you rude and refusing harder?

8yo and 6yo up at 6am, sometimes earlier. I just accept it. What's the point of getting upset? Then I hear my neighbours children of similar ages up till 10pm and they obviously sleep long into the next morning. We are all different.

I have teenagers who you struggle to wake up for morning appointments so it swings the other way later on🤣

The youngest two go to bed early each night so at least I get that time to spend with my older DC or with DH or read.

Has your DS got a bike? Get him burning off lots of energy during the day. Admittedly mine all have bikes but it does occasionally help them crash out early at night.

My 6 year old is exactly like this, I don’t let it stop me doing things I need to do though, I just get on with things and she can follow me round chattering if she likes. Also I ‘train’ her up to be as self sufficient as possible 😂…she can get herself a drink and snack and go and turn the tv or iPad on herself. I also have a 2 year old who can now play with her so I don’t need to have as much input. I sympathise though as , amazing as they are. It can be hard when you need quiet time as well.

My dc do not do this but I used to when I was a child. I would follow my mum everywhere when I was with her. Sometimes she would get annoyed and tell me to go play with my siblings or toys, but I just liked to be around mum.

Not sure if it's the same for your ds, but I would find it interesting watching her do chores like hanging the washing or preparing dinner. I feel guilty about doing it now as I can see it would have been annoying being under her feet all the time. At the time I just thought it was ok to do.

I think you have to stop feeling guilty for just wanting a cup of coffee on your own at 6am or having some time for your own brain to think.

You can't give absolutely every drop of yourself to your child (or your husband or your job) or there will be absolutely nothing left.

I agree that you need to say first and next when you are talking to him and also you definitely need to follow through with what you say.

Also I would never forgo a shower for myself just because she wanted to sit with me, it would be off you go and play mummy wants to have a shower…tough 😂. I can imagine with a newborn not having time for a shower but not a 6 year old. Can the 9 year old watch him? If DH isn’t around?

BTW, I heard an interesting parenting theory about the difference between kids needing attention and needing security.

It often seems are kids want attention, when they are constantly on at us. But the theory is that they actually need security: they look to their adults for certainty, and if you are constantly just reacting to them, in a bit of an annoyed way, it makes them feel insecure and actually makes them more needy.

Whereas if you give clear boundaries and are consistent with enforcing them, and are kind, but firm in yourself, that makes them feel more secure. They can relax as they know where they stand.

Easier said than done, of course!

(I think Janet Lansbury takes a bit about this)