6 year old son won't give me any space

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I'm not really moaning. My sons funny and happy go lucky. But he's 24/7 at me and I'm struggling to get stuff done. He wakes up at the crack of dawn. This morning I tip toed through at 6am made a coffee and by 6.07 he was sat next to me. Wanted his breakfast. Not a problem may I add, although I had not even sipped my drink and wanted 10 minutes. I then went out at 6.50 to peg the washing out. He kept talking to me. I was whispering to him to be quiet as its early. He then followed me in and began asking if he could have a shower which I don't mind but he knows I've already said if he wants to meet our friends later he needs to let mummy have a shower and put the washing away that I could not do last night because he refused to sleep until 9.45 because of the heat, but insisted on sitting with Me until I caved and went to lay down with him. Yesterday all day he was at my feet wanting me.
He has a 9 year old sister and sometimes she amuses him and its not so bad.

Its not a moaning post. Its more a is this standard for 6 year old boys? I try and be firm and tell him sometimes that I need him to go play for half an hour or watch tele and let me be in My bedroom so I can sort the washing. But he comes and sits on the bed and just won't accept I want him to go in the other room.

Having a half hour quiet time first thing and before bed is the difference between me feeling ready for the day or smothered. All I wanted to do last night was go in the garden after they were in bed and have one cider as its my night off work (back tomorrow) and by the time he gave in I wasn't able to. Then as top of the post stated he was up 7 minutes after me.

What are your 6 year old like? I actually love how affectionate he is and really hope I don't look horrible in this post. He won't even let me get dressed alone.

Well the problem is it's not precious moments if it's something that happens all day every day is it?

Op don't take this as a guilt trip at all because that really not the intention - but you say he splits his time between you and dad's? Is he the same there, and happy enough going in between? Could the fact that he only has a percentage his time with you be making him more clingy and intense? Obviously I know that plenty of children have this set up, plenty have both parents working long hours, he probably spends more time with you than many do etc. But that concept and logic won't mean anything to a 6 year old. I'm not suggesting there is anything to be done either, just musing on how this dynamic has really taken hold. Personality had a lot more to do with it in any case I'd think. One of mine needs a lot more input than the other!!

Can he have jobs to do eg brings the washing downstairs then gets praise/a star for helping. I admit that initially it’s harder work for you but perhaps feeling grown up and helpful might help him focus

I agree with other posters that you need to set limits. I reason that if my child is fine at school and doesn't demand constant one-to-one time from the teachers then he probably doesn't need it at home either.

I think you need to set boundaries and then encourage him to find things that keep his interest and focus.

In time he'll realise home is somewhere you can be together but doing different things. He just sees home as somewhere to get attention from you non-stop and isn't using his imagination to come up with other ways to fill his time.

I get what other posters are saying about 'just enjoy it's, but you have to protect your own sanity!

I don't think this is normal, no. Can't he amuse himself doing anything?

Reading? Colouring? Playing inside or in the garden?? If not, that's what I'd start with. He has to learn to entertain himself.

And you need time to yourself too. Your ds is not too young to understand this!

I think for you own sanity you need some personal time each day and not to have him their like your shadow demanding and wanting things. Unless you seen or experienced this behaviour you have no idea what it is like.
He is old enough to play on his own or have his I pad for half an hour when you have a shower, get dressed or do jobs.
At this stage I would tell him that if he does not do x, y or z that there will be no treats, i pad time, you wont bring him to the park ect. He needs to be told the word no and to understand unless I do what mammy wants I am not getting sweets etc.
If he tells your being rude I show him the wooden spoon and ask would he like a slap on the arse with this. I think a slap on the arse with a wooden spoon over a few days would make him realise that he better off doing what he is told.
He won't like you doing this but you don't want him at 10 years of age telling you to f. and bossing you around as a teenager. It not been mean but your try to bring up a decent human being who long term can live and cope in the real world.

Sometimes he will say fine and walk off. But lately he will say no I want to sit with you. Or you are being rude. Or he says he wants to go back to his dads as I'm horrible. It varies.

I think he's emotionally manipulating you. And to be honest, I would be completely fine if I was chipping away at his need for security if the alternative was not having a shower or getting dressed without him there.

It's not like you are abandoning him I'm the forest with some breadcrumbs.

If he says 'no I want to sit with you' then I'd say 'you can't sit with me now. I'm going in the shower. You can go and play with your cars and after I've had a shower you can help me empty the dishwasher and then you can sit with me'.

If he tells you that you are being rude tell him it's not rude to not want to do everything he says.

I also disagree with @Lighteningstrikes

You sound like a lovely mum and not cruel at all. But I think it’s just as important to teach our children boundaries as it is to teach them that we love them and want to spend time with them. If you tell your son that you need some space to do some laundry, you need to be firm with him and enforce that to teach him that if someone asks for space we need to give it to them. Teaching him to respect boundaries in this way is just as important as teaching him that when mummy says “no” she means it.

I used to do the following with DD5 when she was younger:

• pre-warning her - in 15 minutes I’m going to go upstairs to do some jobs and will need you to do something else while I am doing this. It will take me about 30mins to sort the laundry. You can do your own jobs, a puzzle, play with your train sets, use your imagination to make up a whole new game (!) or have some chill time while I’m doing my jobs. After I have finished my jobs we can [offer a treat or ask them to choose the activity].
• just before I head up - what have you decided to do? What activity would you like to do when I finish my jobs? If she sulks, I just say ok if you don’t want to do anything but remember that I need to do the jobs on my own. I then tell her that I’m heading upstairs.
• Dealing with interruptions - remind her and redirect.
• continued instructions - deal with these in the usual ways that you use when dealing with bad behaviour. Eg removing the treat that was offered for after jobs were completed.

As with all parenting, consistency is important.

I agree with other posters that you need to set limits. I reason that if my child is fine at school and doesn't demand constant one-to-one time from the teachers then he probably doesn't need it at home either

The opposite is true of ND though. I’ve been through all of this. And boundaries don’t always work either. They don’t ‘get’ boundaries.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow the OP hasn’t said her DS is ND though?

Yes this. Throughout your post you keep saying 'it's not a problem' and 'I don't mind'. Setting boundaries won't hurt your child, in fact they will help him. The world does not revolve around him and that's ok.

There's always one.

No l know.

But I’m just pointing out that he maybe undiagnosed. The intensity and demands seem very adhd < bitter experience>

They do last mines 22 and still the same whenever he's here!

You can still have 'precious moments' with your children without them being in charge of your every waking moment.

My dc are 17 and 20 and we enjoy each other's company. I don't look back and think that I should have let them sit with me while I shower and got dressed because I could have been making some memories.

The OP just wants a shower and to have a coffee at the crack of dawn.

Ignore the sanctimonious 'precious moments' shite, you're allowed to have personal space. He needs to learn what that means and that he can't railroad you.

I agree with Goodbar, you need to be firm. Don't be afraid of him, you're the adult. And take no notice of the 'it's better at dad's' else you're giving him a weapon. Explain it to him, that when people are getting dressed, showered etc they are alone and that you'll talk to him afterwards. If he wants breakfast then he can help himself to cereal, you can show him how. My youngest is a six year old boy, he's not allowed to follow me around and he knows why.

Then when you're ready, you can have a quality interaction which you can tell him afterwards how good that was.

Set up a big visual rewards chart on a wall.
He gets stickers when he has done things on his own (that give you time).
Maybe three stickers a day.
Tell him the rules. He must agree to them.
So many stickers a week means a reward on Saturday or Sunday.
Or all three daily stickers means favourite treat that day.
He doesn’t get it if he didn’t do it.
Remind of the rules if needed.

morning ideas

• draws a jungle animal in full colour while mummy has her morning shower. So that by the end of the week you have a jungle of animals you can add to a bedroom wall. He must wait until you finish your shower to show you the animal. it could be two animals a day. The aim is a brilliant animal not to rush it.

• writes out and illustrates a poem
• tidies his room
• watches a whole episode of something he likes on tv on his own.

have similar ‘tasks’ at lunch time and evening.
Add going to bed on time (name the time) the list for a bonus sticker. This sticker is only completed the next morning.
You can add tasks for you like ‘mummy will give the animal a score out of ten and mummy gets a sticker for that too.

Sit in front of the chart together each morning, midday, evening look at tasks for the day. Discuss which stickers will be easy to get. Etc.

Say it’s to help you both plan time well, get tasks done so you can have more time doing fun things together.

Does he have any friends that you can arrange to come over to play?

You could set them up in the garden to play for an afternoon.

My 6 year old lad is exactly the same. I’m talking waiting and lying on the bathroom floor whilst I’m showering. He’s just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. It can be absolutely draining so you have my support and understanding 💕

Why aren’t you going down that route?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow 100% agree. My 6 year old has recently been diagnosed and the similarities are undeniable.

I think he needs to experience some logical consequences of not respecting your needs.

So first, I would do the things others have suggested in setting him up with activities he can do on his own so that he has some structure for what to do when you need time to yourself. I'd also plan in some specific special times when he will get your undivided attention.

Then decide what your non negotiables are.

For instance, no bothering mummy before 7:00am unless it is an emergency
No bothering mummy after 8:00pm unless it is an emergency.

Set some groclock type alarms ( or get Alexa to do alarms and 5 minute warnings).

Give him a 5 minutes warning of the 8pm deadline.

Then when he pushes these boundaries, which he will do because he is a child, there is a logical consequence.
He stays up till 9:45 and I sits you lie in bed with him so you are now too tired to do X with him that or the following day. So sorry I really can't take you swimming/to the park/play with you because I didn't get the rest time to myself. I didn't get time to fold laundry last night so I'm going to have to do it today instead of reading you a story.

You MUST follow through on this. Accept his disappointment " I know, it's disappointing but I just didn't get my rest". Spend the time during the day you would have done the activity with him doing the housework/sheet folding etc. Accept his presence but just be busy and matter of fact.

It will take a few days of persisting with this but he will get the message!

Because over 50% of her class is already diagnosed with ADHD. It’s completely pointless. How are they meant to support them all with such limited resources? None of them get any support as it is. Total waste of time

My DD (7) was really quite independent and had always been happy playing on her own and then became insecure overnight after being very unwell for 3 months. She is now much clingier and will follow me round talking constantly. With the long light days at the moment she is awake pretty much the same hours I am. I feel as though I can't even complete a thought in my head before it is disrupted. It is hugely intense and I have only had 6 months of it and it is wearing me down. My DD is brilliant company but that doesn't mean it's easy having her actively wanting my attention so much.

Something that works for us is that if we will have a day at home we draw a clock face and portion the day into activities. At least two hours will be labelled things like 'mummy work/DD make Lego parrot' or 'mummy deal with laundry mountain/DD watch The Worst Witch'. That she is part of the planning helps and she will get on with her activity when we get to it.

Another tack I've taken is that if DD wants to be right by me while I'm cooking/cleaning/hanging washing up then she can help me do that. It can turn her constant presence into a really positive thing of achieving something together and she is learning to cook and genuinely pitches in with getting dinner.

My other thought is holiday clubs. Once DD is at a holiday club she has a lovely time and I get my thinking space back!

How much interactions does she get? I'm thinking that she's either very extroverted, or she might be more introverted but isn't getting the type of interaction or eye contact she wants with other kids.