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Original poster

6 year old son won't give me any space

103 replies

19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 07:09

I'm not really moaning. My sons funny and happy go lucky. But he's 24/7 at me and I'm struggling to get stuff done. He wakes up at the crack of dawn. This morning I tip toed through at 6am made a coffee and by 6.07 he was sat next to me. Wanted his breakfast. Not a problem may I add, although I had not even sipped my drink and wanted 10 minutes. I then went out at 6.50 to peg the washing out. He kept talking to me. I was whispering to him to be quiet as its early. He then followed me in and began asking if he could have a shower which I don't mind but he knows I've already said if he wants to meet our friends later he needs to let mummy have a shower and put the washing away that I could not do last night because he refused to sleep until 9.45 because of the heat, but insisted on sitting with Me until I caved and went to lay down with him. Yesterday all day he was at my feet wanting me.
He has a 9 year old sister and sometimes she amuses him and its not so bad.

Its not a moaning post. Its more a is this standard for 6 year old boys? I try and be firm and tell him sometimes that I need him to go play for half an hour or watch tele and let me be in My bedroom so I can sort the washing. But he comes and sits on the bed and just won't accept I want him to go in the other room.

Having a half hour quiet time first thing and before bed is the difference between me feeling ready for the day or smothered. All I wanted to do last night was go in the garden after they were in bed and have one cider as its my night off work (back tomorrow) and by the time he gave in I wasn't able to. Then as top of the post stated he was up 7 minutes after me.

What are your 6 year old like? I actually love how affectionate he is and really hope I don't look horrible in this post. He won't even let me get dressed alone.

OP posts:
User56785 · 31/07/2024 07:59

He won't even let me get dressed alone.

What does he say and what do you say? Does he carry on like this at school? Saying he won't do handwriting or go to assembly.

What's he like with other adults?

Agiftandacurse · 31/07/2024 08:04

Dinglednagledoo · 31/07/2024 07:58

BTW, I heard an interesting parenting theory about the difference between kids needing attention and needing security.

It often seems are kids want attention, when they are constantly on at us. But the theory is that they actually need security: they look to their adults for certainty, and if you are constantly just reacting to them, in a bit of an annoyed way, it makes them feel insecure and actually makes them more needy.

Whereas if you give clear boundaries and are consistent with enforcing them, and are kind, but firm in yourself, that makes them feel more secure. They can relax as they know where they stand.

Easier said than done, of course!

(I think Janet Lansbury takes a bit about this)

I agree with this to some extent. A lot of it is the need for security from mum. And constantly pushing them away just makes them push back harder with their need.

I also think with my son (who's older now at 8) boredom is a factor. His older sister doesn't want to play with him and he very rarely plays alone (even when activities are set up- he wants to do them with me or not at all!) but if we had a field outside our back door and a football and his friends- I likely wouldn't see him all day! So some of it is how our expectations and society has changed too

Suitcasesthree · 31/07/2024 08:07

My 9 year old is like this. Its a vicious little merry go round she has me on and I feel like I'm struggling to get off while she is fighting to keep me on it. 7am I am woken by, "Can you get my breakfast." No please or anything. We then have a very full on day, especially holiday time, and then at night she refuses to sleep, using any excuse she can grasp at. By 11pm I snap and shout at her. Then I feel guilty and cycle starts again.

I can only offer solidarity that I hope it won't last for long.

Original poster
19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 08:17

Dinglednagledoo · 31/07/2024 07:58

BTW, I heard an interesting parenting theory about the difference between kids needing attention and needing security.

It often seems are kids want attention, when they are constantly on at us. But the theory is that they actually need security: they look to their adults for certainty, and if you are constantly just reacting to them, in a bit of an annoyed way, it makes them feel insecure and actually makes them more needy.

Whereas if you give clear boundaries and are consistent with enforcing them, and are kind, but firm in yourself, that makes them feel more secure. They can relax as they know where they stand.

Easier said than done, of course!

(I think Janet Lansbury takes a bit about this)

This makes sense as I know he's sensing me being abit off with him. He keeps saying he loves me and hugging me lol. I just had my shower and his finger kept coming round the door but I told him he wasn't allowed in. So he stood outside the whole time. I dont know if he's laying it on abit thick! It's a nightmare though

OP posts:
Original poster
19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 08:19

User56785 · 31/07/2024 07:59

He won't even let me get dressed alone.

What does he say and what do you say? Does he carry on like this at school? Saying he won't do handwriting or go to assembly.

What's he like with other adults?

Sometimes he will say fine and walk off. But lately he will say no I want to sit with you. Or you are being rude. Or he says he wants to go back to his dads as I'm horrible. It varies.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 31/07/2024 08:20

One day you'll look back at this and regret how you're feeling.

Be thankful.

Those days don't last, and are very precious close moments.

hopsalong · 31/07/2024 08:22

My recently 6 year old (now 7) is prone to this when his brother (9) isn't around. The rest of the time I have exactly the opposite problem, which is that they want to see their parents as little as possible and will rush through every meal to go back to whatever game they're playing in the garden. So I miss some of the behaviour you're describing - but can see that it's wearing!

Original poster
19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 08:23

Agiftandacurse · 31/07/2024 08:04

I agree with this to some extent. A lot of it is the need for security from mum. And constantly pushing them away just makes them push back harder with their need.

I also think with my son (who's older now at 8) boredom is a factor. His older sister doesn't want to play with him and he very rarely plays alone (even when activities are set up- he wants to do them with me or not at all!) but if we had a field outside our back door and a football and his friends- I likely wouldn't see him all day! So some of it is how our expectations and society has changed too

Show quote history

Totally there's boredom involved. I dont drive but we walked in our local woods last week and stopped at a burger van on the way. We did a massive scooter riding day last week. Yesterday we went to lidl for pasties then walked to the big local park. We do have a week at the end of August at the seaside. Well 4 days! There dad works full time. I work 28 hours a week. So they get 3 days with me and then when I'm at work they go to their dad's who's working from home. So I think there's elements of boredom....

But then i remember in the 90s playing out on roller skates and bikes, making dens in the garden and walking to the shop with my friends. My mum was at home cleaning and doing her routine. Over the age of 7 we were always out. But my mum never spent time with us really. She didn't take us for walks or to the parks. We went Into town because bills needed paying and we needed food. I take mine to town for a treat.

Times have changed haven't they.

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 31/07/2024 08:25

My DD was like this at that age. Now she's 14 and doesn't really want to spend any time with me at all. I felt the same as you did then. Now I'd give anything to go back to those days! Hindsight is a great thing. As annoying and suffocating as it may feel, try to enjoy it as it really won't last and one day you'll have a moody teen and will look back on those days with great affection. Not helpful at the moment though, I know 😂

Strawberriesandpimms · 31/07/2024 08:25

Show him how to get his own breakfast and get him to help peg out the washing or whatever. My 8yo was needy like this and tge only way to keep her out of my hair was to have her "help" and keep her busy! And wear her out!

Original poster
19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 08:25

Lighteningstrikes · 31/07/2024 08:20

One day you'll look back at this and regret how you're feeling.

Be thankful.

Those days don't last, and are very precious close moments.

I know and especially with the news this week. It would be what some parents would give anything to have. It's hard though when you are in the middle of it. But wise words and I know one day I'll be muttering them to someone else.

OP posts:
CountryGirlInTheCity · 31/07/2024 08:26

Some children respond better when visual prompts are given alongside verbal ones..I know it’s a bit ‘schoolish’ ( ex teacher here!) but you never know it might help! You would need a ‘now, next and then’ chart with spaces for a picture under each. Have a range of pictures to represent the sort of activities he does, including all the routine stuff like getting dressed, having a bath etc. When you need some time to yourself explain what will happen with the chart in front of you and put the pictures in each slot, so ‘NOW we are having a cuddle on the sofa, NEXT you will play with your Lego for x mins whilst Mummy has a shower, THEN we’re going to the park…’
You may need to have a set of parallel pictures to show what you’re doing at the same time.

The key will be to firmly and kindly make sure he follows it. This might take extra effort at the start ie returning him to the Lego with a ‘no this is your job now…next we’re going to the park.’ Etc! I can’t believe he’s allowed to follow his teacher around all day at school or that he’s permitted to ‘refuse harder’ when asked to do something so at six he is more than capable of doing something for a few minutes to occupy himself whilst you take some much needed time out.

You sound like a kind and patient mum but for your own sanity you need some headspace…and are allowed to insist that your children give you that!

Keep going!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/07/2024 08:27

My Dd was like this.

I remember her at 5-7. I’d go upstairs to get dressed. I’d always mange to get bra, pants and jeans on ( but not buttoned) before she’d start calling me. Every single time. She was so demanding at 3 the health visitor arranged for a nursery nurse to come round once a week ( this was in 2009 when the nhs worked)

She was later diagnosed adhd.

Kelly51 · 31/07/2024 08:34

He won't even let me get dressed alone.
I can't understand how this small
child is dictating to you.
Go in to your room and shut the door, put a wedge in if need be and tell him to watch tv/play for 10mins.

Gymmum82 · 31/07/2024 08:48

My dd is like this. I suspect she has ADHD though with over 50% of her class already diagnosed I’m not going down that route. She is relentless. Sometimes I’ll lock myself in the bathroom and put headphones on just to get away.
Sometimes I’ll tell her she’s being annoying, after asking her nicely 10,000 times to go play or find something to do. She’s like it with everyone not just me. It’s exhausting

FanofLeaves · 31/07/2024 08:49

He’s roughshodding all over your perfectly reasonable requests at the moment and that really needs to change or you’ll be raising a little dictator. You know your son best; what would be a good enough consequence for him if he continues boy to respect the boundaries you are trying to put in place? What would make him think and listen to you?

I agree with the above poster that setting out a series of visual events and timings might help him.

Marseillaise · 31/07/2024 08:58

Kelly51 · 31/07/2024 08:34

He won't even let me get dressed alone.
I can't understand how this small
child is dictating to you.
Go in to your room and shut the door, put a wedge in if need be and tell him to watch tv/play for 10mins.

Well, exactly. He needs to start learning that he doesn't always get his own way.

Janetandthechatter · 31/07/2024 09:02

19891stchapter · 31/07/2024 07:09

I'm not really moaning. My sons funny and happy go lucky. But he's 24/7 at me and I'm struggling to get stuff done. He wakes up at the crack of dawn. This morning I tip toed through at 6am made a coffee and by 6.07 he was sat next to me. Wanted his breakfast. Not a problem may I add, although I had not even sipped my drink and wanted 10 minutes. I then went out at 6.50 to peg the washing out. He kept talking to me. I was whispering to him to be quiet as its early. He then followed me in and began asking if he could have a shower which I don't mind but he knows I've already said if he wants to meet our friends later he needs to let mummy have a shower and put the washing away that I could not do last night because he refused to sleep until 9.45 because of the heat, but insisted on sitting with Me until I caved and went to lay down with him. Yesterday all day he was at my feet wanting me.
He has a 9 year old sister and sometimes she amuses him and its not so bad.

Its not a moaning post. Its more a is this standard for 6 year old boys? I try and be firm and tell him sometimes that I need him to go play for half an hour or watch tele and let me be in My bedroom so I can sort the washing. But he comes and sits on the bed and just won't accept I want him to go in the other room.

Having a half hour quiet time first thing and before bed is the difference between me feeling ready for the day or smothered. All I wanted to do last night was go in the garden after they were in bed and have one cider as its my night off work (back tomorrow) and by the time he gave in I wasn't able to. Then as top of the post stated he was up 7 minutes after me.

What are your 6 year old like? I actually love how affectionate he is and really hope I don't look horrible in this post. He won't even let me get dressed alone.

I have a 7 year old dd like this. She is VERY loving and tells a hundred times a day how much she loves me so it’s really hard to tell her to give me 5 mins!

She never stops talking. It makes my brain fall out.

Solidarity mama 🙈😂

WhatNoRaisins · 31/07/2024 09:02

I think you need to stand up for yourself. Lock the door for showering and dressing and keep reinforcing that sometimes he will need to entertain himself. Your mental health matters, you can't spend an entire day at his service when he's not a baby. Everyone needs to learn how to occupy themselves.

Janetandthechatter · 31/07/2024 09:02

Also mine sleeps in my bed and her thrashing all night keeps me awake. I have no escape 😂

Pashazade · 31/07/2024 09:04

When he accuses you of being rude you tell him, no I am not being rude I am asserting my personal boundaries. I don't want you in the room whilst I am getting dressed. I expect you to respect that. Then block or lock the door whilst you do so. He doesn't get to call the shots on these moments, I'd lock the bathroom door on him too. He's old enough to understand.

Greytulips · 31/07/2024 09:08

Give him two choices -

You can either clean your room or play a game

He should get the message

emilyelf · 31/07/2024 09:28

My lo nearly 6 is like a shadow, I just tell him I need a little bit of space but he always tells him I'm his favourite person.

WorriedMama12 · 31/07/2024 09:30

Kelly51 · 31/07/2024 08:34

He won't even let me get dressed alone.
I can't understand how this small
child is dictating to you.
Go in to your room and shut the door, put a wedge in if need be and tell him to watch tv/play for 10mins.

Exactly. No way would I be having a little dictator ruling my life. If he won't do as you ask then you put steps in place to get that time, ie locking or wedging the door behind you.

Comtesse · 31/07/2024 09:39

Lighteningstrikes · 31/07/2024 08:20

One day you'll look back at this and regret how you're feeling.

Be thankful.

Those days don't last, and are very precious close moments.

I completely disagree with this - like those godawful people who say “enjoy every moment”. What unrealistic nonsense - it feels hard because it IS hard.