Comment has thrown a grenade into my life.

[Toffeesunday]

Recently at a family gathering my sibling and I were reminiscing with cousins about our parents, all of whom are dead.

Cousins spoke about several conversations they'd had over the years with their mum in which their mum said she suspected her husband, cousins' father had had an affair with our mum and me and my sibling were a result of this, which makes us half siblings. All relayed very nonchalantly.

They had no real proof of this other than suspicions/feelings by their mum and suggestive comments made from someone else.

My sibling and I were totally floored by this as we never had any reason to doubt who our father was.

I asked if they or their other sibling would be willing to take a dna test to find out and they both said, 'Ah no, what's the point after all these years when they're all dead'.

I have so many questions going through my head and don't know what to do with this information.

We have two older siblings who are quite elderly with health problems and I don't feel I want to destroy their happiness if this is true and also I imagine it will cause a big family rift whether it's true or not.

Feeling like my whole identity could be a lie.

WTAF? They drop that on you and then say no to a DNA test?

Your cousin is a vile piece of shit. I’m so sorry they’ve done this.

I could understand them telling you this if they’d approached you sensitively and they told you because they wanted to do dna tests.

But to drop it on you the way they’ve done, and then refusing to do a dna test, makes them a fucking nasty gossip.

Really awful on your cousins part to drop that on you. Could they be jealous or resentful of you? Are they known to be trouble makers?

Seems like you could still do a DNA test and piece it together on ancestry or some other website. I would want to know.

If you want to know if you and your sister are actual full siblings you can easily do a dna test each. I ordered mine from Amazon. It is a starting point and maybe there are other relatives on either Dad's side who have had dna tests done too so you might not need the cousins to do it.

I feel it is a callous thing to casually drop that into conversation with you both. I am sorry this has you questioning everything. But you do have the power to at least test yourselves.

We were very close growing up and lived a street away from each other. Our parents had a stormy marriage but were a constant support for cousins family looking after them as children when their mum was in hospital for lengthy periods with depression and father working.

I never thought of this cousin as vindictive or jealous and I was very close to my Uncle (alleged father). He was a very kind person and I loved him.

@BagJennyUp my head is all over the place so I may not have been clear on the half sibling thing.

I know that me and my sister are full siblings as we are twins.
My comment was regarding being half siblings to our 4 cousins.

Asking other relations to take a test will bring it out into the open and upset my older siblings and the wider family.

Well, it's a bit shit to drop a bomb like that and to refuse to put your mind at rest. Or at least to know the truth.

If they’re not willing to put their money where their big mouths are I’d assume it’s a load of nonsense tbh. Drama stirring shits.

Regardless of DNA I wouldn’t want anything else to do with the cousins for dropping that on you in such a brutal way and then refusing to do the one simple thing that could help you come to terms with it if it was true.

Personally if someone said that and then refused to follow up with a DNA test then I would call bullshit (to their face) and put it out of my mind.

I know that it would be hard to ignore it, but honestly at this stage of your life it doesn't really change anything. You still had the childhood that you had, you still had the relationships that you had, all the active participants are gone and can't give their story.

Everything appears to stem from a suspicion of their Mum's, which is hardly a solid foundation, especially as she had quite severe mental health issues which could possibly have led to some level of paranoia about her DH cheating or of seeing clues about your parentage that didn't exist. Perhaps your cousins have always thought it was true, simply because when we are young we believe what our parents tell us and they haven't questioned it as they have grown up. You are an adult now, hearing it for the first time, and should be taking their belief in their mother's word with a pinch of salt. If you didn't have any suspicions that there was something more than just BIL and SIL between your Mum and your uncle when you were younger, then in all likelihood it was an entirely above board relationship.

You can easily do a dna test, or two, using different companies, to see who pops up in your relatives lists and piece it together from there. It shouldn't be too difficult, actually. Just do it yourself.

@Toffeesunday unless you are identical twins you can still be half siblings if your mother was sleeping with more than one man. It’s rare but it happens.

@Onlinetherapist we are identical.

Can you get your older siblings DNA, tell them you're doing a family tree (which is technically not a lie?)

Wow. What a shower of shit your cousins have rained down upon you. I would be so angry that they'd decided to do that and then deny you the opportunity to prove or disprove it!

I think I would have to approach the cousin I was closest to and ask them again, really press that it is unfair to basically drop a bomb then expect you to accept it?! If they (or any others) say no then I think I'd be forced to approach other family members.

Good luck. I really feel for you, what an awful thing for them to do.

It sounds like one of those silly family stories that you don't need to pay attention to.

Was your father the man who was there for you through your life? Then he is your father, even if it wasn't his DNA.

I do know someone in this situation (siblings found out to be of mixed paternity). I think the hardest part is that, with the parents dead, it's not possible to ask them questions about it.

If they are going to drop that on you then they should allow a DNA test. If they won't, then are there other relatives on that side in the database that a match might answer the question with?

I suppose the choice is to maybe rock the boat and find another relative who will help you or accept that, whatever the truth, your father was your father. Neither option is wrong IMO.

Don’t blame them - that’s the narrative the grew up with in a house where evidently this kind of thing was talked about

whereas your house and family you didn’t and dont

you don’t want to rock the boat, they don’t see it as abnormal

if you really want to put it to bed, you will have to do a dna test and ideally get one of them to do it.

families are completely batshit and I’m sorry this has made you feel unsettled

Make sure they’re not in you or your twins’ wills! Awful behaviour by them.

I've had this where an Aunty thought her husband fathered 2 of his brothers kids. All paranoid nonsense. If your cousin was serious wouldn't he/she want a dna test?

I agree with this. They probably assumed there was a parallel narrative in your family and that you'd absorbed and dealt with all of the feelings and question marks that had arisen over the years.

They're probably as shocked as you are at the upset they've caused and that may be why they backed away from the DNA suggestion.

Do you think they might reconsider if you ask them to? Do you think on reflection that it's really something you want to do?

I think the kindest thing they could’ve done was not mention it at all. I have a similar question mark in my family but would never discuss it with anyone else.

I do understand their point of view with letting sleeping dogs lie, even if you did a DNA test and found out … then what? It doesn’t change much, the people that raised you were your parents.

I’m sure it’s a lot to take in though.

I would have to insist that it was discussed further. What did they intend to achieve by saying this?

It’s possible an ancestry dna test might give you some guidance if you come to being linked to your uncles side of the family. I do think though if their mum had mental health ideas and was in hospital a lot it’s likely to be paranoid nonsense. Very cruel to drop that bomb on you though.

Id send a message which goes something like:

"What you said nonchalantly has felt like a grenade thrown into my life. However, I have decided to take what you said as untrue, unless of course you really believe this, in which case you'll be willing to contribute to a DNA test. If I don't hear from you to that effect, I will take your comments as BS"