Comment has thrown a grenade into my life.

[Toffeesunday]

Recently at a family gathering my sibling and I were reminiscing with cousins about our parents, all of whom are dead.

Cousins spoke about several conversations they'd had over the years with their mum in which their mum said she suspected her husband, cousins' father had had an affair with our mum and me and my sibling were a result of this, which makes us half siblings. All relayed very nonchalantly.

They had no real proof of this other than suspicions/feelings by their mum and suggestive comments made from someone else.

My sibling and I were totally floored by this as we never had any reason to doubt who our father was.

I asked if they or their other sibling would be willing to take a dna test to find out and they both said, 'Ah no, what's the point after all these years when they're all dead'.

I have so many questions going through my head and don't know what to do with this information.

We have two older siblings who are quite elderly with health problems and I don't feel I want to destroy their happiness if this is true and also I imagine it will cause a big family rift whether it's true or not.

Feeling like my whole identity could be a lie.

Your aunt could have made innocent comments such as, 'You and your cousins are more like sisters as you're all so close.' And the cousins have made two and two equal five.

Have you discussed this with your twin sister? Does she have the same feelings about this as you do? I understand this has been a bombshell for you but really think what you are hoping for and how you will deal with the results if you do a DNA test.

Surely you'd only be half siblings not full if you had different mothers?

The title of another friend relating to wills and immediate family made me think of this…

Would they feel differently about the DNA test if you hinted that as half siblings they would be included in your will?

@Toffeesunday People leave DNA on all sorts of things - e.g. coffee cups, etc.

Just saying...

Oooo I like this! Haha

To answer a few questions.

I was trying to keep it vague as I don't want the story picked up.
It was two sisters married two brothers so that makes us double cousins.

Only one cousin divulged this information, the other only became involved when they joined us and I asked them about it. This other cousin may not have wanted us to ever find out.
I got the impression it was a topic often discussed between them and their mum.

My twin doesn't want to persue it so I accept that's her choice.

I've dealt with so much emotional, physical and mental abuse in my life this just feels like more shit that's been thrown at me to process and deal with. Am I ever going to be let live in peace.

I'm angry that yes if it's true we have a parent each that betrayed their own sister/brother. I'm angry and hurt my cousin decided to tell me at this stage of my life. She is in her 70s. Me late 50s.

They know who their father is but are happy to leave me in limbo.

Oh dear. I suppose it may just have been them repeating nasty gossip they’ve heard or chat within the family that may not have any truth to it. That said, now you’ve heard it you are going to struggle to put it out of your mind.
Give it a couple of days and then approach them again about it. Hopefully they will do the right thing and agree to DNA tests.

Could you possibly ask one of your older siblings if they'd be willing to do a dna test? To prove (or not) that you have the same parents? Appreciate what you wrote about not wanting to upset them.

I agree with @TheShiningCarpet Some similar 'open secrets' were discussed in my house when I was a child, but not with the children in the families directly affected. Perhaps your cousins wrongly assumed your family also had such discussions.

I can understand the total shock you must be feeling. I would ask your cousins again if they would have a DNA test, to put your mind at ease, as the uncertainty itself is very distressing. Without wishing to minimise your feelings at all, does the outcome matter? You knew the parents who raised you and you knew the parents of your cousins. So would knowing for sure that an affair took place change anything?

Well no wonder you are alike if you were related to their Dad.

I think this could very much be malicious gossip from neighbours, given the closeness of the 2 brothers 2 sisters.

If it makes you feel any better I was conceived in a mental hospital. My biological mother was Schizophrenic and the sperm doner was someone of medical profession.
I was adopted young but always wonder. Sometimes it's just best to not let those thoughts consume you..because they will. I'm sure there was reasons things weren't said. Your mum was probably protecting you all.
Ignore the stories and remember everything as you knew it.

Is it possible your cousin thought you already knew? It should have been obvious by your reaction that you didn't have any idea! It might be something that has been discussed a lot within their family unit, they've become indifferent to the situation, so are simply not bothered. Unfortunately, you can't force them into taking a DNA test. You can take an Ancestry DNA test yourself, and see if there are any matches.

I veer between thinking it's not true to being very upset about it. Yesterday was a bad day for me.

My mother was mentally as well as physically cruel and made me feel unloved and a burden to her. She poisoned us against our father. Dad was physically abusive too when we misbehaved.
Now I'm asking myself was it because we were a constant reminder of the infidelity.

I'm going to let the dust settle and if I decide to take it further I'll contact the cousin or middle sister about doing a DNA.

I really don't think my cousin thought I knew.

Thank you all for your replies.

What a vindictive thing to do.
I would want to look at the possibility that their mother, who clearly had issues, wanted to emotionally damage her own children with this information. What type of mother does that? Knowing the damage it would cause your own children first, that their own father was also the dad of their cousins. I think if it were really true, she wouldn’t have told them.
That sounds like a seriously, seriously unwell person.
Could it also be that she was envious of your mum, or there was something where she would want to hurt her? As she’s certainly done that, too.
When you add in the reticence over DNA testing, which would back up their story easily and quickly, I would suggest the whole thing has been made up.
As you both are so closely related genetically anyway, their mother probably thought it was a nice bit of nasty gossip that could look as if it were true.
I would say whatever was in their mother is now in them - a distinct whiff of bitterness.
On reflection, if you had to view all this as evidence, the average rational person would say it was a load of bollocks! Your own parents brought you both up well. Never forget that.

If you are double cousins then DNA will show you as half siblings anyway. Siblings of a father can give a positive result on paternity test, so even if you had DNA from your father and his brother they both could show up positive for father on a standard paternity test. There's no way for you to get this answer. This sounds very difficult, I honestly recommend therapy if you don't already have one. Letting go of what you can't control and can't know is challenging but also an important skill for mental health. There will always be shit.

Sorry I wrote a post before this update.
Apologies if anything I have said is both irrelevant and upsetting.
I still think the story stinks though OP!

Given the closeness of the four parents, would a dna test be conclusive?

Sorry OP. The cousin didn't appreciate what an assault on your sense of self this would be. How has your twin taken it?

They are idiots too as you can now potentially get dna and claim from their fathers estate as well as your own.

This. 🖕

I'm not entirely sure that a DNA test would even clear anything up given that it was two brothers and two sisters. Even if you are cousins and not half siblings there is likely to be more overlapping DNA than there would normally be for cousins.

Brothers have different dna, it may be similar but it distinguishable.

Personally if someone said that and then refused to follow up with a DNA test then I would call bullshit (to their face) and put it out of my mind.

^ this. Someone here is full of shit.

Ok tell them you want their dna as you have a big legacy to leave them or their children ( obviously you are lying). They will provide dna in the hopes of that, as quick as a wink.