Comment has thrown a grenade into my life.

[Toffeesunday]

Recently at a family gathering my sibling and I were reminiscing with cousins about our parents, all of whom are dead.

Cousins spoke about several conversations they'd had over the years with their mum in which their mum said she suspected her husband, cousins' father had had an affair with our mum and me and my sibling were a result of this, which makes us half siblings. All relayed very nonchalantly.

They had no real proof of this other than suspicions/feelings by their mum and suggestive comments made from someone else.

My sibling and I were totally floored by this as we never had any reason to doubt who our father was.

I asked if they or their other sibling would be willing to take a dna test to find out and they both said, 'Ah no, what's the point after all these years when they're all dead'.

I have so many questions going through my head and don't know what to do with this information.

We have two older siblings who are quite elderly with health problems and I don't feel I want to destroy their happiness if this is true and also I imagine it will cause a big family rift whether it's true or not.

Feeling like my whole identity could be a lie.

You could do a dna test but for what? You are a happy family and the bond is what matters. Take time to think on this though.

Oh op, how old are you? Are you also quite elderly? Honestly this sounds like nasty gossip,I’m surprised at the comments on here and your reaction. I’d be as your twin, just dismiss it as the over whelming odds are it’s just a silly comment made decades ago.

I heard many years ago similar rumours about me and my cousins as we looked alike!!!
Sure we looked alike, we are cousins.
Ignore these silly rumours, some people love drama and to stir shit.

Mum was the older sister.

My cousin would have been about 14 when we were born. She has one older and two younger siblings.

We are the youngest of four siblings. Very late 50s.
Our oldest sibling has multiple serious health issues and if they found out this news and anything happened to them I know the family would blame me which is why I don't want to involve them.

Other sibling is very hot headed and all hell would break loose.
I think the easiest way would be to approach my cousin.

Just can't understand why cousin waited so long as the only outcome would be me getting hurt and destroying my peace of mind.

You could ask your older siblings to take a test because you’re researching ancestry? Perhaps ask on the Genealogy threads if there’s a plausible reason. You don’t have to tell them if the results turn up something startling

Toffeesunday · 29/07/2024 11:26
I was trying to keep it vague as I don't want the story picked up.
It was two sisters married two brothers so that makes us double cousins.

You and your cousins have the same four grandparents.

DNA tests will be of very limited value to you.

An accusation was thrown at my db, along the lines of this one.

You can bet your ass we DNA tested everyone concerned.

The accuser's stuff was totally and utterly false, designed to cause drama.

Guys. DNA tests won't help in this situation. Please stop discussing how to do them. The OP needs support on how to process the grenade, knowing that there isn't a way to prove anything either way.

Do you currently have counselling? Does work offer any telephone counselling via an employee assistance programme?

Exactly. The aunt in question spent long periods in hospital through mental illness, thus the chances of this being paranoid nonsense, on the aunt's part, are incredibly high.

@Toffeesunday you have the choice to treat this for what it is, ie just silly throwaway gossip. There's no point in dwelling on it - why inflict suffering on yourself?

It's an incredibly cruel thing to do and will take some time for you to process regardless of whether it is true or not. I wish people would think before throwing such grenades without any thought. I'm assuming your mum and aunty were sisters and the your dad and uncle were not blood related.

There is a possibility you could solve this without involving anyone else but ancestry dna is still in Italy infancy. I only know a little bit about it at the moment but if anyone from your Uncle's family is on the database the you may find an answer.

We've had it come twice, my grandma threw it out that there's a half brother out there somewhere. It destroyed my mum, who idolised her dad. The other one is her cousins think they share grandparents but they only share one set of grandparents. We've decided, unless their is a medical need, not to divulge the information as it just causes too much emotional damage.

Hope you can get some help to find some closure.

Yeah, it will. OP could work out if she's full sister to her own older siblings.

@Keepingittogetherstepbystep 2 sisters married 2 brothers. Uncles side is dad's side.

The casual nature with which this new family information was suddenly delivered to you after all this time, is very cruel OP. Either your cousin is a bit dim and didn’t realise the devastating effect it might have or she was delighting in feeling smug in putting doubts in your mind. Refusing to see your need for more clarity was doubly hurtful.

I think it would be a long laborious and difficult job trying to find an answer through a DIY dna route.

You don’t even know if the information she dropped on you is sound. In fact I’d say that’s one thing you can be certain of. The information she gave you isn’t sound at all. It’s heresay over generations from an aunt who was very unreliable in her own thinking….a bit like a family folk tale. Even your cousin who delivered the story wasn’t taking it seriously, from all accounts.
If you were all so close as cousins, I wonder why none of you siblings had got wind of it in your teen years and grown up with the possibility as your cousins say they did. It all seems a bit dubious to me. Fanciful but doubtful.

If you were to examine how you would feel if it happened to be true, then might it be easier to accept either scenario in your head and would you then feel easier in your mind ?

If cousins continue to have so little empathy for the situation they have put you in with their reminiscing story, then I’d give them a much wider birth from now on.

They are cousins on both sides as parents were 2 sisters married and 2 brothers they would need specialist DNA test

Oh I missed that part.

Next best thing would be to check with the children of the older siblings if the older siblings are unable or unwilling to spit into a tube. It will be obvious then if they all have the same father or not.

would your rather depressed sounding mum really have had an affair with your cousins’ often absent father in defiance of her mentally unwell sister who she seemingly got on well with?

surely a more believable tale would be your volatile sounding father with considerable access to his fun and yet vulnerable SIL had an affair in defiance of his down-trodden wife and his absent brother?

perhaps it is a defence mechanism of the cousins mother to throw out blame - or indeed the cousins attempt to push any questions of paternity onto you and your sister rather than have to think about their own?

either way I’d be following PP advice of reminding yourself that in the absence of proof, and in the absence of any interest on their part to help seek proof, that you assume it is bullshit stirring and try to move on

It seems very unkind to mention it to you then not offer the DNA to prove it. Yes, it might need a specialist but it is provable. It might be worth you going to therapy as it sounds like you might have good reasons to want this to be true. Could that be a contributing factor? Not a criticism but if you can't get DNA to prove/disprove then the thing you can control is your response to it and therapy might help with that.

@Lurkingonmn I know your reply came from a place of concern but I don't want it to be true. I did love my uncle like a father and would say it in conversation. saying that now that the situation may have changed feels slightly weird.

For all his faults my own dad was a good provider and did the best he knew how. I loved him too.

He wasn't set a good example of raising children by his own parents and I guess that's why he continued it on with his own children.

Thank you for acknowledging my comment did come from a place of concern. Because getting a result but it not being what you hoped, either way, could be disappointing.
Your response kind of makes me happy, that you've recognised how you feel to be honest.
You can love them both like a father and did before you had this information so whether it matters what the fact is may or may not matter to you.
Maybe you are just grieving the situation or news and when our perception of the past is challenged that's okay to grieve it, question it and see how both versions of reality sit with you. Given all that, it might be a good idea to let it marinade and give it time before taking action but time might not be on your side so it is up to you to weigh up how you feel. I hope you manage to resolve it in yourself at the very least.

I found out via a dna test taken for fun that my dad isn’t my dad. I got ethnicity results that were very clearly not matched with my dad. If you get an ancestry dna test you can upload the results to other sites. You may find out via unexpected matches. I know what this feel like so if you want to private message me I’m happy to chat

I have met and spoken with one of my older siblings and they've agreed to do a DNA test if that's what I want.

They said they weren't aware of the situation and they didn't believe it was true.

I think I will go ahead with the test to get closure. This could take a number of weeks until the results come back.

I'm glad you found a solution to help you resolve it all one way or another. I hope you are happy with the outcome and that having answers brings you peace.

If you are doing a DNA test make sure you go somewhere where you get to discuss the results with an expert as the results could be very complex to interpret given that both your potential fathers are brothers. An online thing may be too simplistic for your specific situation.

Did/does your dad think he's your dad (obviously he's still your dad but your biodad)?

If they were brothers won't they have the same dna?