Comment has thrown a grenade into my life.

[Toffeesunday]

Recently at a family gathering my sibling and I were reminiscing with cousins about our parents, all of whom are dead.

Cousins spoke about several conversations they'd had over the years with their mum in which their mum said she suspected her husband, cousins' father had had an affair with our mum and me and my sibling were a result of this, which makes us half siblings. All relayed very nonchalantly.

They had no real proof of this other than suspicions/feelings by their mum and suggestive comments made from someone else.

My sibling and I were totally floored by this as we never had any reason to doubt who our father was.

I asked if they or their other sibling would be willing to take a dna test to find out and they both said, 'Ah no, what's the point after all these years when they're all dead'.

I have so many questions going through my head and don't know what to do with this information.

We have two older siblings who are quite elderly with health problems and I don't feel I want to destroy their happiness if this is true and also I imagine it will cause a big family rift whether it's true or not.

Feeling like my whole identity could be a lie.

@Aldertrees afaik my twin hasn't given it another thought and has dismissed it as being untrue but she is an anything for a quiet life type of person.

In confrontational situations involving both of us, she usually sits back and lets me do all the uncomfortable stuff.

My Uncle and parents have all been dead for 25+ years and there was nothing much left to leave from any of them.

That’s awful of your cousin. Are they saying it’s just you and your twin who’s got their dad?

They need to back it up.

I think I would try to leave it in the past. In think you would have noticed or known something if your mum was having an affair. Even as a child.

Also, genetics is a funny thing. My nephew looks like the spitting image his uncle. The resemblance is much stronger than with his own dad. I am too polite to mention it to either one of my brothers.😀

Your cousin was cruel.

OP, I'm not surprised it's thrown a grenade!
You poor thing, that's really, really shitty of them to do that to you.
For me it would be an absolute shocker.
Just reading your post had my jaw going slack, god knows how you must feel right now.
And how bloody unfeeling of them to say that and then to casually dismiss it as insignificant!
Not sure how you can tackle it, but sending you a hug instead as I suspect it must feel like a bit of a lonely place you're in right now.

I think it's awful that they won't do a DNA test!

The brothers are deceased, as are the sisters. If everyone was still alive then a paternity test could be done in the usual way by excluding the DNA from the mother and then comparing the remaining DNA against both potential fathers. But considering that any test is likely to be of the 23andMe type and not a specialist geneticist who is aware that they are cousins on both sides of their parentage, I think any results are not going to be useful to the OP. They will definitely be sharing more DNA than the average cousin who is related on one side only.

Simple solution suggested 2 days ago.

I think that you should tell the cousins that having dropped this on you, it's not fair to refuse a DNA test, as you have a right to know who your bio father was, and them having opened this can of worms, have a duty to close it so you can live in peace.

OK, so I have had a brief trip down a rabbit hole on this. I am not a geneticist, so I would love it if one came along to do a proper explanation here, but I am an ex data analyst. Here is a chart from 23andMe with the average shared DNA of various types of relatives and the ranges. https://customercare.23andme.com/hc/en-us/articles/212170668-Average-Percent-DNA-Shared-Between-Relatives

So, simply, a full sibling has an average shared 50% DNA, a half sibling has an average shared 25% DNA and a first cousin 12.5% DNA.

In the OP's case she will have 12.5% DNA shared with her cousins from both parents, so 12.5% from her DM's side plus 12.5% from her DF's side, giving a total shared DNA of 25%. So, because commercial DNA websites are set up to consider the more common scenario of only one set of parental siblings, it will almost certainly return the result that the two cousins are half siblings, which would be incorrect.

It's even more complicated if you consider the ranges of results, there is an overlap in the percentage range of shared DNA for cousins and half-siblings, so it's not even clear cut for regular cousins.

My son spent most of his childhood looking more like his dad's brother than his dad, fortunately (in that regard) his dad's brother lives in New Zealand and we live in the UK. :-)

I also wonder about your Mum's and her sister's relationship OP. Did they get along or was there friction? I'm just wondering if your aunt was assuming that your Mum had an affair because your aunt was used to assuming bad motives and bad actions.

For example, my DM and her sister. I don't know how my aunt feels about Mum but my Mum has always had it in for my aunt. My Mum's narrative is that my aunt is selfish and petty, and things that my aunt has done that seem perfectly normal to me have been dissected as proof of pettiness or lack of respect by my Mum. But they live nearby so we all saw a lot of each other and it was perfectly polite face to fact, just a lot of sniping about her when we got home. It all goes back to their childhood and I can see now that my Mum is being unreasonable, but your cousins may have just believed their Mum's paranoia.

The trouble is once you are told that by some one it wears you down. You cannot forget it, and will be reminded every time you see them. You need a answer though.

Why is it any of your business?

Seriously? It’s none of her business who her biological parents are?

Something similar but different was dropped on to me in a similar way, I was told that my grandma was probably a product of incest. Just dropped into conversation just like passing the time of day.
It shook my foundations so I have an idea of how you are feeling. I am sorry they were so insensitive.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar they did a lot of socialising together as single women and after they married as couples and saw each other nearly every day and always seemed to have a close relationship.

They were completely different personalities my aunt being easy going and fun. My mum was more standoffish and glum.
I always thought my aunt was the prettier one and apparently said she thought my mum was jealous of her.

My uncle was away a lot as part of his job and my dad assured him he would look after her while he was away, which he did.

During my aunt's bouts of hospitalisation my mum and dad would bring her children to live with them as well as caring for their own children.
This all happened before I was born.

What????? Why is it any of OP's business of her father isn't her father??? What the fuck sort of comment is this?

@ToffeesundayI'm sorry you're going through this, how awful for you. I agree with PP I'm not sure if a basic DNA test will help much, because you're double cousins. I really hope you get some peace 🙏

Edited after I read your updates!

Do you have any cousins or children-of-cousins on your dad's side of the family? You could do an Ancestry/23andme DNA test to see if any close-ish relatives appear.

what possessed your cousin to throw such a grenade at you, at this stage of life?

I can completely appreciate your curiosity; of course you need to know who your biological father was.

1. you could press further with your cousin, explaining how unsettled you feel and that you deserve to know who fathered you, biologically. You get her to do a dna test.

2. you test your elder sibling/s. There’s a big age gap and I understand that you don’t want to impact their health, so I’d go down the route of saying that you’re exploring your ancestry or something.

good luck x

OP I have so much sympathy for your situation.

2 sisters married 2 brothers in my family (grandparents).
My gran was the last to die of the 4 and at her funeral a relative threw it in that my grandad had first been with the other sister. Which I just feel is utter nonsense but the seed is sewn of what you thought you knew is wrong.
I don't believe it and in my case it doesn't matter but I don't like it.
But I was told age 11 that I was illegitimate and it ruined my mental health.
I would take some advice on the DNA but it's a hard one.
It does happen when there is an age gap in families. We often joke that my DH is Egyptian as he has dark skin and is tall and looks nothing like his sibs who are 14 and 10 years older. And Egyptian because fil did national service there.
Have you any other family members who may know?
Sorry this has happened. Some people can let things go but I couldn't.💐

Use the same company as the results will be more accurate.

I've had different results from Ancestry and 23 and me.

Could you ask your older sibling to do a test on the pretext of wanting to know your DNA mix? You know, part Scandinavian, part Slavic etc?