Asking why I'm not invited to wedding?

[Nillk]

I'm going to try and keep it as far from identifiable as possible.

I was in a friendship group of four women, we'd have regular meet ups and holidays. One of them, Jess, was the one I was least close to. I couldn't probably articulate why- I knew her for less time.

We did this for years- however then I had a fall out with one of the other girls. I was the one who got angry and upset with the other girl. I feel like Jess took a negative view of my reaction. However things were repaired, if not maybe the same as before. We met up a lot as part of the circuit of hens does and weddings- I was pregnant and had a baby and struggled to make some of the plans. We went for dinner at Xmas etc. They all met my baby at 10 days old.
I met her new partner a handful of times at group meeting ups but a year went by without us messaging individually. I blame myself that my life was chaotic with PND and returning to work early.

This year I found out she was engaged via another friend as she hadn't posted on social media. I'd texted her about another meet up and we saw each other , had a lovely time, I gave her a card, and was so genuinely happy to catch up.

Since then I've renewed efforts but got quite short polite responses.
Since it's become apparent I'm not invited to her weddings- the others from the group are. She's even having her hen down the road from me and I'm not invited. However nothing has been said as to why. I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it, I was so hopeful that we would get back to our dinners out and weekends away again in the future. I admired her a lot.

I've ended up the odd one out and getting excluded from friendship groups in the past so I'm finding it hard not to take it with grace and I'm feeling so hurt and that I must just be a repulsive horrible person.

I've messaged her this week as I thought I'd see her at an event and had bought her a little gift but she wasn't there so I was going to post it. She has moved further away.
I just sort of want to say to her that I understand I'm not invited, I don't want to guilt her or make things awkward but I want to understand where I went wrong. Of course she might not reply, she might say something painful for me, and it could make things even more excruciating awkward in future. Should I?

No you shouldn’t, you should just leave it.

Thanks for replying, can I just ask why?

As you said, you two were never really close and did not create deep friendship bonds. While I completely understand your feelings, I think you should move on and try to meet new people. If you keep trying to get in touch with her you'll just push her (and maybe the other friends) further away.

Read you original post back...it's pretty obvious why you're not invited! You said yourself that you're not that close and have, in fact, behaved quite poorly towards her.

Just leave it...contacting her about this IS 'guilt tripping' her ffs! Leave her alone.

You totally should not contact her. She's made it clear she does not want contact. Polite replies. Not inviting you to hendo's. Or indeed her wedding. Accept it and move on. Possibly hurts but these things happen.

Because you'll either be invited, and then neither of you feel comfortable because it's under duress and not a real invite

Or she'll mutter something about numbers and you won't know anymore: I think your question is actually more "why don't you like me?" than wondering why you aren't invited.

For whatever reason (the fallout or otherwise), she obviously doesn't really see you as a close friend. You haven't texted in a year and had no idea she was getting married or had moved. Don't make the wedding into a make or break proof of friendship

Definitely leave it. She doesn't like you that much and seems a bit cold.
Her behaviour can't make you feel good so why bother.

Can I just ask why you think I've acted poorly towards her?

Just to clarify it's not her that I had a fall out with, it was another friend. The other friend did something thoughtless that I got upset about, probably disproportionately because of how stressed I was at the time/ difficult pregnancy, other group dynamics etc.

Honestly, just draw a line under it and move on. Dont contact her. It sounds very one sided. Either remove her and block on social/phone or unfollow so you dont see her stuff in your feed. Dont contact her, you will look like the petty one. Friendship changes through the years. People come and go. You need to recognise this and allow it to happen. Dont make a scene. If the others are also leaving you out then also consider your friendship with them. Maybe take a step back

It's her wedding, she can invite who she likes - or not - without having to justify it to anyone.
Some friendships don't last a lifetime for whatever reason, you just need to accept that and build other friendships

You aren't friends. From your own description, it sounds like she was an acquaintance. You aren't invited because you aren't her friend.

But you know why, you aren't close friends

Just leave it. Shes made it very clear your friendship is over.
If you’re not invited to the wedding then accept it. Don’t contact her - it’s poor form and regardless of your reasons, it does look desperate and guilt trippy.

Accept this group was of its time and no longer serves you all and move on.

You’re not repulsive, but it’s clear from what you’ve written that you and her are not specifically friends. You’re in the same friendship group, but that’s a different thing. That’s perfectly normal. I have a friendship group of four, two of them I expect would invite me to their weddings, one wouldn’t. That’s ok, I like her and we get on in a group but she and I have just never really clicked.

Have you spoken with the others about this and have they given you any indication of why?

How did you all become friends in the first place? I have a group of friends like you describe in that we, as a group, would have meals / go away etc but the reality is there is probably one friend who is the common denominator and I rarely meet them as individuals beyond a couple of them.

You write you fell out with someone in the group and you admit you got angry and upset, assume other woman was more dignified about the incident. Look I avoid people who cause drama, it’s pretty obvious why she backed away.

You haven't been invited because she doesn't want you there. Simple as that. Trying to find out why will make you look horribly needy. Have some self-respect and move on.

She may not have any negative feelings about you - just not enough positive ones to want to invite you. She just doesn't feel close enough to you to warrant giving you an invite.

You weren’t really ever friends; you were just in the same group.

I find any drama hard work; I wouldn’t be chasing to be around people who fall out with people either

You were never close and she has no interest in being close. Just leave it.

It may be because of the fallout with the other friend, some people have no time for drama and disagreements and will back away as soon as they see someone overreact like that even if they're not on the receiving end (I'm like that so I get it). Or it may just be that you were never close and she has plenty of other friends so just sees you as an acquaintance.

Whatever the reason you won't change her mind so just leave it and focus on other friendships.

You've obviously drifted away from them, and having a young child could be another factor as people get weird with childfree weddings. Just move on with your life

She clearly disagreed with you over the initial fallout, just because you felt wronged does not mean that you were in the right.

You were never that close, and by your own admission, drifted from the group.

I'm not sure why you're surprised not to be invited?

You've met once after a year of no contact; likely she did this out of politeness, you've continued to contact her to which she's been short and non committal.
She's not interested in a friendship, please do not keep pursuing her or ask why she's not invited you, you're an acquaintance not a friend.

Actions speak louder than words. She doesn’t value the friendship… you can’t change that. Focus on other friends, there is nothing to be gained confronting her about it, it’ll just reinforce why she’s not invested into the friendship the same way you have.

There are plenty of responses telling you why contacting her isn’t a good idea but you keep pushing for more reasoning. It comes across as being quite needy, and I can only assume you are similar in real life - perhaps she finds that tedious?

At best you are acquaintances, not friends. Accept that with good grace and move on.

It sounds like you were on friendly terms but not actual friends. Can I ask why it's so important to you that this woman likes you? Have you asked yourself that question?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you're a little fixated and that it's possibly more about gaining her friendship and being included rather than actually being friends with this person.

You're obviously not on her 'A' list for the wedding, I think giving her a present and messaging etc. would be really awkward. Friendships are reciprocal, this sounds forced.