Asking why I'm not invited to wedding?

[Nillk]

I'm going to try and keep it as far from identifiable as possible.

I was in a friendship group of four women, we'd have regular meet ups and holidays. One of them, Jess, was the one I was least close to. I couldn't probably articulate why- I knew her for less time.

We did this for years- however then I had a fall out with one of the other girls. I was the one who got angry and upset with the other girl. I feel like Jess took a negative view of my reaction. However things were repaired, if not maybe the same as before. We met up a lot as part of the circuit of hens does and weddings- I was pregnant and had a baby and struggled to make some of the plans. We went for dinner at Xmas etc. They all met my baby at 10 days old.
I met her new partner a handful of times at group meeting ups but a year went by without us messaging individually. I blame myself that my life was chaotic with PND and returning to work early.

This year I found out she was engaged via another friend as she hadn't posted on social media. I'd texted her about another meet up and we saw each other , had a lovely time, I gave her a card, and was so genuinely happy to catch up.

Since then I've renewed efforts but got quite short polite responses.
Since it's become apparent I'm not invited to her weddings- the others from the group are. She's even having her hen down the road from me and I'm not invited. However nothing has been said as to why. I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it, I was so hopeful that we would get back to our dinners out and weekends away again in the future. I admired her a lot.

I've ended up the odd one out and getting excluded from friendship groups in the past so I'm finding it hard not to take it with grace and I'm feeling so hurt and that I must just be a repulsive horrible person.

I've messaged her this week as I thought I'd see her at an event and had bought her a little gift but she wasn't there so I was going to post it. She has moved further away.
I just sort of want to say to her that I understand I'm not invited, I don't want to guilt her or make things awkward but I want to understand where I went wrong. Of course she might not reply, she might say something painful for me, and it could make things even more excruciating awkward in future. Should I?

Somewhere in this is FOMO I think; you are unhappy that this group is having all sorts of fun that you are missing.
Dynamics of friendship change enormously from single mid twenty somethings through career changes, romances, marriages, house moves, social attitudes, political attitudes. These changes are inevitable.
I think many groups will change as a result of our recent political change of direction. Mostly it will be gradual, a drift away from what and who we knew. A sign of our own maturity is how we manage these changes how we adjust. Mainly how we let go of the past and look forward not back especially if we have young children.

This is it, it's really interesting that so many people were like 'why would you be invited?' based on that social situation. I really struggle with what is 'normal'. I have wondered if I'm autistic but then I grew up in an incredibly volatile, high conflict, emotionally dysregulated family. I really hate drama and conflict as a result, but struggle to navigate social norms. I resolved to solve problems by talking and discussion, but sometimes don't get that being frank can rub people up wrong or actually perpetuate things. Nearly every family gathering as a kid involved physical violence and yet everyone was fine next day.

Nearly every family gathering as a kid involved physical violence and yet everyone was fine next day

I think this has, understandably, had a devastating effect on you.

This should never have been normal

I was in a large friendship group were there was a wedding and I was the only one not invited - I didn't like the groom and the groom didn't like me. We tolerated each other for the sake of our group. The wedding made it pointed but C'est La Vie.

I rose above it which is what you need to do, you are desperately trying to guilt her.

The fact that you need to ask why might be part of the problem. It would be a really awkward conversation that wouldn't endear you to anyone and probably wouldn't produce an honest or satisfactory answer.

Leave it be. She's just not that into you.

That pretty much sums up my family...

I am ND but a lot of it is also generational. I had the chance to watch DM in a group social situation and she was definitely hovering on the edges of groups. People were tolerating her but it was clear she wasn't included.

This then was confirmed when we got to go to a big family event (weren't invited originally but got a last minute invite, which was awks but it was likely the last time to see a family member, so we went) and it was searingly obvious she gets left out and I'm pretty sure it's down to drama and history. Plus she makes very little effort to keep up with relationships, actually hardly anyone in the family does, so it's all a bit difficult. Bit too all or nothing...DM was left on her own at a very young age, so also didn't learn those skills at home.

I'm not privvy to a lot of the history but the effect on me has been pretty profound over the years.

The "situational friends" comment above was very useful. Definitely something I get confused about, even though I'm now quite old.

One way to think about it is your friend may need to invite a lot of family and has to cut back on friends, you don't know what her thinking is and as people say, best not to enquire as it's personal.

To be fair I read that as OP put herself out, but she says the 'care' not favour, wasn't reciprocated.

OP you are getting a bit of a hard time for presenting as 'needy'🙄

To me it reads as you're a person who does a lot and puts a lot of emotional energy into others, are anxious to be liked and then are taken for granted. You overstep your own boundaries to please others, putting your own needs aside and then are hurt when the same energy isn't reciprocated.

And I'll say another thing. If you're a straight forward type of woman, you can't read the games that tend to become exaggerated in group dynamics ESPECIALLY among women. I fucking hate it. Be my friend or don't. Let me know where I stand. Only laugh if you're happy, don't mime friendship if you don't really like me, don't talk behind my back while smiling in my face.

She has every right not to invite you of course, it could be she had a tight budget and could only cater for those she likes best. If not, it's not nice otherwise as she's bound to know you'd find out and the venue is near you. But whatever you do, don't mention it ever, don't go begging for acceptance, don't mention you feel hurt to the other women, don't give others your power in that way, and find deeper friendships. True friends are far rarer than acquaintances. 💐

If you have to externalise the thought process to work it through, do think about childhood trauma and nd stuff. Even if you're not nd or traumed, the skills help.

Have a look at Therapy in a Nutshell and Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube. Dip in and out and take the useful things but don't get too hung up on this stuff. It's a mystery to a lot of us!

I don't think I can add more than what's been said. But what great responses to try to understand rejection (which happens to all of us at times) a little better

It sounds like she doesn't like you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but not everyone has to like us in life. And we don't have to like everyone. I actually found it quite freeing when I made peace with that. Sometimes it's because of something we've done but other times it can be because of all kinds of conscious or unconscious irrational reasons.

This makes me so sad for you, OP. No wonder your ideas of resolution have been so skewed by this family set-up: most people's would be.

What I think I'd do, in your position, is to try to unpick some of this with therapy. It might well be that those less than desirable childhood circumstances have left you traumatised. Yes, I KNOW that seems to be the answer to everything nowadays, but when you think of your family's methods of conflict resolution a child in that situation will likely have been in a perpetual state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (people usually neglect to mention the last one). This does horrible things to our responsive reflexes: we develop 'instincts' where none should be and our real protective mechanisms, ie. the gut instinct that tells us we are under threat, can become entirely ineffective. (Ask me how I know).

As far as 'Jess' is concerned, consensus of opinion is rare on MN but you're fortunate that this time there is one. You should let this woman go and cease to contact her directly. 80 Mumsnetters can't be wrong! 😀

I actually love this type of thread on Mumsnet.
You weren't sure about a situation op and asked for advice. You didn't think you were in the right, you were genuinely looking of some outside perspective. You got some well thought out advice and took it onboard that will hopefully help you in the future.
I hope this post doesn't come across as a bit condescending but this is Mumsnet at its best

Sounds more like an acquaintance than a friend. I wouldn't dream of asking an acquaintance why I wasn't invited to their wedding.

I really don't think it sounds as though this woman doesn't like the OP.

I think she does, but as a PP said, she's more of an acquaintance, and you can't invite everyone you know to your wedding.

This may be true. The fall-out with your other friend, OP, also happened because you were not getting something you believed you needed from this friendship. You had put into it more than you were getting back. You reacted badly (your history goes some way to explaining why) and the group dynamic was affected. This is one reason why, as I've grown older, I've mostly left friendship groups behind.

You've invested something in Jess which seems quite superficial: poise, cool and sophistication. You forget (as far as you're concerned at least) her chilliness, aloofness, and image-focus. You say nothing about her other, deeper qualities which make her worthy of friendship (or not).

If you keep in mind that old edict 'to thine own self be true', you can be a bit more discerning about where you value your friendships. Like you, coolness and poise isn't me. I'm the girl who would have fallen up the stairs at my graduation ceremony. I've walked out of the lav with my skirt tucked into my knickers and styled it out with a bow. My friends all have a barbed sense of the ridiculous. We laugh - are sometimes really childish - and are there for each other without being demanding. We have varying degrees of interests - some shared, some not. Friendship groups are not really for me.

Please don't think Jess's rejection says anything negative about you. It might say nothing negative about her, either. Some people are simply not compatible. Where this happens, you should never, ever tie yourself into a knot to make them like you, or worse still change yourself in their image.

In my not so humble opinion, weddings are boring as shit anyway 😁

you spund a bit intense op . could you have frightened her away? I think you should consider some counselling around managing relationships.

When you say 'things were repaired ' it sounds like things are on a level of getting on for keeping the peace sake when you happen to meet, but not a genuine friendship level.

Do you really actually like her or is it more FOMO wrt the wedding/ hen do.?

Definitely do not contact her about it . Think of it as a positive with all the expense youve been saved and move on !

I empathise with you, but the bottom line is that you simply can't complain when someone doesn't invite you to something. It won't help. Asking them where you went wrong is unlikely to ameliorate the situation. All we can do in those awkward situations is suck it up and not hold grudges. Hard to do but the right thing to do.

She doesn't owe you an invitation to her wedding, nor an explantation as to why she did not invite you.

Also, just because you were in the same friendship group, it does not necessarily mean you were friends. The lack on invitation shows you that, as does her not maintaining the friendship in the first place.

OP - honestly, I bet she is up against numbers. People get invited individually, not as a job lot as a group of friends. The truth is that you were never that close in the first place - not everyone gels to the same extent within a group - and then you weren't in individual contact for a year.

So I wouldn't assume you are considered a horrible repulsive person, and no need to take it so personally.

Sending a gift and a message about not being invited is way too intense and needy and a bit guilt trippy.

Spats are often forgiven very rarely forgotten.

On the basis of everything you’ve said about yourself in this thread, I would consider autism. When you’re neurodiverse, you can be vulnerable in friendship groups. If the others don’t understand or care how your mind works, you can easily be ostracised.
If you are neurodiverse, you will have much easier and more fulfilling friendships with people in the same boat as you, I think.

You sound a bit like my dsis op.
She won’t let things go and if she wasn’t my dsis I wouldn’t choose her as a friend.
Do you try to analyse things?
Talk things through with people when they’d sooner move on?
If so in social situations you need to lighten up.
Friendships are supposed to be easy and a good friendship can wax and wain and not be affected.

Thank you for this! I feel very, very seen- I feel like you know me! Also great advice.