Asking why I'm not invited to wedding?

[Nillk]

I'm going to try and keep it as far from identifiable as possible.

I was in a friendship group of four women, we'd have regular meet ups and holidays. One of them, Jess, was the one I was least close to. I couldn't probably articulate why- I knew her for less time.

We did this for years- however then I had a fall out with one of the other girls. I was the one who got angry and upset with the other girl. I feel like Jess took a negative view of my reaction. However things were repaired, if not maybe the same as before. We met up a lot as part of the circuit of hens does and weddings- I was pregnant and had a baby and struggled to make some of the plans. We went for dinner at Xmas etc. They all met my baby at 10 days old.
I met her new partner a handful of times at group meeting ups but a year went by without us messaging individually. I blame myself that my life was chaotic with PND and returning to work early.

This year I found out she was engaged via another friend as she hadn't posted on social media. I'd texted her about another meet up and we saw each other , had a lovely time, I gave her a card, and was so genuinely happy to catch up.

Since then I've renewed efforts but got quite short polite responses.
Since it's become apparent I'm not invited to her weddings- the others from the group are. She's even having her hen down the road from me and I'm not invited. However nothing has been said as to why. I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it, I was so hopeful that we would get back to our dinners out and weekends away again in the future. I admired her a lot.

I've ended up the odd one out and getting excluded from friendship groups in the past so I'm finding it hard not to take it with grace and I'm feeling so hurt and that I must just be a repulsive horrible person.

I've messaged her this week as I thought I'd see her at an event and had bought her a little gift but she wasn't there so I was going to post it. She has moved further away.
I just sort of want to say to her that I understand I'm not invited, I don't want to guilt her or make things awkward but I want to understand where I went wrong. Of course she might not reply, she might say something painful for me, and it could make things even more excruciating awkward in future. Should I?

Group friendships always sound like too much hassle for me. There's always some odd dynamic going on somewhere or someone feeling slighted. I think friendship groups work better if they are pretty loose and casual with low expectations. All the popular people I know tend to move between friends/groups with ease but not expect too much - or draw self esteem - from any of them in particular.
Even when these groups seem tight there can be sudden explosive fallouts. Close-knit, big friendship groups are often shown as the norm in Western TV shows and movies, but are they?
It just sounds like you are not that close to her, and that's fine. If wedding numbers are limited would you really invite someone who you were friendly with in a group for a while but hadn't spoken with in a year? If I were you I'd put more effort into building solid friendships one-on-one.

Thank you for sharing your experience. On reflection as well in my family you were either in or out, loyalty came above everything and people were cast out as enemies. If you were against one you were against all and any deterioration in relationship came with fireworks. Sometimes literally in your face ...

I make it sound so dreadful and I guess I never really thought it was that bad. I'm married and have a nice relationship and a lovely kid and a house and a professional job so I've just kind of ignored all this stuff and thought I should be getting on with it.

Nah, it comes back to bite you on the backside when you're not expecting it.

I'm mostly perfectly sane but I'm having to go back to the family dynamic for various reasons and it's driving me potty.

For me, it's needing to generate a sense of internal safety. Like you, I thought my childhood was pretty normal but it was actually normal for me, not necessarily ok in polite society.

Not condescending at all!

It has been helpful to me and I appreciate people saying stuff about trauma and being ND- not that I am trying to excuse my behaviour but sometimes I really don't get what the right thing is to do.

I will leave Jess alone but I already asked for her address to send the gift a week ago! She replied politely. Should I send it? Should I attach a card? I have no idea now and I don't want to guilt her or make her upset! It's only a little cheap thing related to her hobby as I thought of her when I saw it!

There are two things at play here.

One is that you tend to always feel on the outside of friendship groups - I have multiple groups of friends and this feeling comes and goes for almost everyone. By default they are fluid. I wonder why you still welcome group friendships in your life if they make you feel uncomfortable? Individual friendships definitely feel stronger and are less vulnerable to blowing up, because the dynamics are much more straight forward.

Two it sounds like you are doing most of the investing and it does not sound very balanced. Do you feel like an equal, valued member of the group? Or do you feel less than and the one that is doing all of the hard work?
On the back of doing this huge favour for your closest friend - and admiring the friend you are less close to and she is now getting married and hasn't invited you. It is beginning to paint a picture of you being secondary in the group and not as important as the others. Is that true?

Children that have had trauma tend to move into adulthood usually have unmet needs of wanting to be cared for and cared about, they will give and give hoping that someone will do the same for them, and meet their need to be cared for, loved and valued. The sad thing is they tend to be disappointed, as most people will just be doing what suits them. Your standards will be lower than other people. You won't always see you are being taken advantage of - so red flags are not the warning shots they should be.

I wonder if this group are not the kind group of likeminded caring women that you think they are, do they value you highly op as friend? You need to reflect on what they are doing for you. What effort are they making? Would they do the same huge favours for you? Who is investing here?

Put it this way how would the friend getting married respond to the same situation if it was you getting married, and SHE wasn't invited?

I wouldn't send a card or initiate contact at all, I would show very little interest in the wedding if you see her again. Stop being so nice. She is cool, aloof etc or whatever is not exactly a quality many of us look for in a proper friend op.

I wouldn’t send the gift or card. Just leave it. Sending her a gift relating to her hobby is really try too hard at this stage. Bow out with grace!

I'm in a group with 4 girls. We've known each other since secondary school. Two of the girls are my best friends and we were each others' bridesmaid. The other girl is close friends with my two best friends but we're not close. I was only invited to her evening do and I wasn't offended. We still meet up as a group and have a good time.

Stop it, you’re not correct here and you know it. It’s simply down to her not being a major friend. You said yourself you were more acquaintances than friends. Of course you’re worthy of friendships, but not everyone wants to be your friend, so stop being such a debbie downer. You need to work on your self esteem! You are worthy, but not everybody has to be your best mate. Have you had any help for your pnd?

Wait and see if she invites you to anything or if you're at a mutual event, give it to her then.

Don't feel the need to be super nice to her. Don't be rude but you can be a bit aloof, distanced from her in future, don't bother seeking her out for 1to1 conversation etc, don't go out of your way to be extra nice or make her feel special. Reciprocate what she gives to you. If all that is, is a "hi, how are you?", smile and nod situation, so be it.

And look at some therapy for your self esteem and friendship issues...NHS IAPT is free and some towns have fantastic Women's Centres or charities which offer free counselling and courses for self esteem and peer support groups for women in a similar situtation.

It sounds as if sometimes you do too much for other people and expect too much back. Most of us keep a kind of unconscious approximate mental balance of what we do for others, and if we're not getting anything back and there's no obvious reason for it then we start to quietly dial back the amount we do for them so it stays more or less in balance. Instead of dialling back you carried on or maybe you even did more and more for them (like you did when you bought a wedding present for someone who didn't invite you) in the hope / expectation that they will reciprocate, and then when they still don't seem to appreciate it or do anything for you in return you get angry and fall out with them.

"In or out" is very black and white. Have you ever looked at "circles of intimacy"? The image is of people with you in the middle, with circles of people who you are closer to or more distant from. There's a lot of stuff online but quite a lot of it's aimed at children. A quick google found this for adults: https://www.tinatessina.com/circles-of-closeness.html

Though that link doesn't say much about how people move between circles. Usually people try to maintain a balance with that too - bit like a dance where one person takes a step closer and then waits to see if the other person also steps closer, or stays put, or steps back. You don't want to have one person repeatedly stepping closer while the other keeps trying to step away!

Oh good, I'm glad 🙂

I'd be kind to yourself. Give yourself a nice treat. Buy YOURSELF a present, can be something as simple as your favourite ice-cream do something nice with your own family on the wedding day, outing or something, or just stay in and watch your favourite shows. If you need to talk/need reassurance go to your DH and family.

I wouldn't trust this circle of women to the same degree as formerly and don't be giving out your time, loyalty and effort in a big way if they won't reciprocate similarly dont leave yourself vulnerable to rejection.

Having a baby is itself can be an isolating experience that tests friendships. Your needs can change and not getting back what you put in friendships can be very upsetting. But it is useful testing

You sound like a very conscientious person who will make a great friend for the right sort of people. You only need a few such people.

However I think I struggle to let things naturally drift and do become needy- I actually don't want drama, I live a very quiet life, but I struggle to not speak plainly in these situations and maybe make others responsible for my feelings.

I tend to associate this sort of behaviour with teenage (or immature) friendships... As an adult I would find it exhausting and as lovely a person someone might be, with the pressures of work, parenthood, etc, I would activitely avoid a friendship that I perceived to be stressful. Life is hard enough without something that should be a source of joy or comfort feeling like hard work. Perhaps this person feels the same.

Edited to add: I should add, I am fairly low maintenance when it comes to friendships. Not everyone is the same and perhaps you just need to find your tribe.

You absolutely can't become needy and struggle to speak plainly with a casual friend from a group it sounds like you've never once meet her alone! You risk making yourself look abit of a bunny boiler I'd actually delete her number/texts etc incase you get the urge to reach out again! I wouldn't send the present either tbh

If you've already said you would send it, and are not sure what to do, maybe do post it but not in reference to the wedding or anything. Maybe just 'saw this and thought of your hobby. Hope it comes in useful at some point!'

Just a note, no card

You weren’t close and you’ve drifted even further apart since you had a baby. That’s why. I get it, I’ve not seen best friends (20 years) since I had my babies. Because life.

This is genuinely really helpful!

I'm really reflecting and looking at what has happened.

Once I was having a party and the friend I later fell out with was due to attend- she messaged me saying she had a better offer of another party she would rather go to and would that be ok?
Of course I said yes and over a year down the line then agreed to 'big favour' which multiple other friends declined to help out with. I said yes with bells on of course. I then spend god knows much time over months on the favour and troubleshooting other things for her too. I went above and beyond really what I was expected.to do (which was an ask to start with) and really internalised on this being done perfectly. I wanted her to be pleased with me. She then decided last minute to not attend something important to me as it didn't suit her. I reacted badly and came across as negative and bitter as I was just so hurt (and stressed!).

Now I'm typing that out I'm questioning myself really. I think I need to learn to read the signals people are giving off and 'match the energy'.

There are several billion people in this world, why waste time and energy trying to pursue a friendship with those who give you little thought? Concentrate on those who truly care about you.

Once I was having a party and the friend I later fell out with was due to attend- she messaged me saying she had a better offer of another party she would rather go to and would that be ok?
Of course I said yes and over a year down the line then agreed to 'big favour' which multiple other friends declined to help out with. I said yes with bells on of course.

Your friend has taken advantage of your caring nature and you've been accepting of bad behaviour.

You've already acknowledged that there are lessons to be learnt here.

Don't stop being a caring person, but become aware of when that isn't being reciprocated and move on.

You seem a bit vulnerable OP and as if people often take advantage of you

Be kind by all means but you need to improve your robustness and boundaries