Asking why I'm not invited to wedding?

[Nillk]

I'm going to try and keep it as far from identifiable as possible.

I was in a friendship group of four women, we'd have regular meet ups and holidays. One of them, Jess, was the one I was least close to. I couldn't probably articulate why- I knew her for less time.

We did this for years- however then I had a fall out with one of the other girls. I was the one who got angry and upset with the other girl. I feel like Jess took a negative view of my reaction. However things were repaired, if not maybe the same as before. We met up a lot as part of the circuit of hens does and weddings- I was pregnant and had a baby and struggled to make some of the plans. We went for dinner at Xmas etc. They all met my baby at 10 days old.
I met her new partner a handful of times at group meeting ups but a year went by without us messaging individually. I blame myself that my life was chaotic with PND and returning to work early.

This year I found out she was engaged via another friend as she hadn't posted on social media. I'd texted her about another meet up and we saw each other , had a lovely time, I gave her a card, and was so genuinely happy to catch up.

Since then I've renewed efforts but got quite short polite responses.
Since it's become apparent I'm not invited to her weddings- the others from the group are. She's even having her hen down the road from me and I'm not invited. However nothing has been said as to why. I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it, I was so hopeful that we would get back to our dinners out and weekends away again in the future. I admired her a lot.

I've ended up the odd one out and getting excluded from friendship groups in the past so I'm finding it hard not to take it with grace and I'm feeling so hurt and that I must just be a repulsive horrible person.

I've messaged her this week as I thought I'd see her at an event and had bought her a little gift but she wasn't there so I was going to post it. She has moved further away.
I just sort of want to say to her that I understand I'm not invited, I don't want to guilt her or make things awkward but I want to understand where I went wrong. Of course she might not reply, she might say something painful for me, and it could make things even more excruciating awkward in future. Should I?

Weddings are expensive. People generally only invite their closest friends and family to their wedding. You’re not a close friend. More an acquaintance, someone who is in the same friendship group, friends in common but you’re not actually her friend, never have been.
Just leave it, don’t make it awkward. Carry on as you are. Meet up as a group. Enjoy their company but accept that you aren’t a close friend.

Some friends of mine got married very recently, many of my friends were invited, I never expected to be and I wasn’t. The couple are good friends with my good friends but I’m just in their friendship group, that’s ok. I don’t think any less of them, I’ve chatted about the wedding. Told them I hope they have an amazing day and I’ll ask about it after their honeymoon. It’s no drama that I wasn’t invited. You should do the same

Personally I’d leave it. If you have to find out from someone else that she’s engaged and has moved house then you’re not close enough to be invited imo.

Are you giving her a present because you were not invited so you are trying to curry favour and get a invite? Or are you giving a present because you know her well and want to get this thing for her?
You've drifted apart, there's no real connection here. And naturally she's not invited people she's not close with to her wedding
Not sure why you are upset

I’m in a group. I know for a fact a couple of them only tolerate each other for the sake of the group.

Has the relationship drifted with the rest of the group too? If that was strong, she’s definitely affecting the group by not inviting you. How will that affect the group going forward? Or do you think she’s speaking for the group?

Would one of the others shed light on her feelings about you?

No don't ask! You're not close so you weren't invited. It's as simple as that I'm afraid.

Wedding invitations are so hard - we a relatively big wedding and yet I still had to choose between cousins and friends. Prices these days mean she'd likely be spending £100 for you to go. That's a lot to expect for not your closest friends.

“I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it”

Isn’t that your answer? It doesn’t actually sound like you do accept it if you are wanting to question her about the non invite. You may feel sad about it but that doesn’t mean Jess is wrong

What happened with the other friend changed her opinion of you for the worse and very little was done to repair that afterwards. She’s choosing who she wants at her wedding and sadly you’re not it. If it wasn’t for the rest of the group, it sounds like she would have broken contact. Maybe meeting up with you was her way of seeing if she could rekindle a relationship but the answer, for her, was clearly no. You’ve drifted and you need to move on. Sorry OP.

Come on OP, you know the answer here.

She was always the one you were least close to.

You had a fall-out with a mutual friend and "Jess" sided with the mutual friend rather than you and clearly thought you behaved unreasonably.

Then after the fall-out was sorted, you had a baby and did not get in touch with her for a year - the reason for that is not really relevant from Jess's point of view.

That's exactly the situation! One of the others I'm closer to than ever and she was surprised, has no idea why. The friend who is the common denominator I think has discussed it but wouldn't say if they did.

You clearly said you weren’t close, the argument you had with another friend seems to have sealed it.

Weddings are expensive, why would you invite someone you’re not that good friends with?

Don’t try and make her feel guilty for not inviting you by buying her gifts and demanding reasons why you weren’t invited. It will just cement the reasons why you weren’t invited in the first place. If you still want to be friends with these people then take it slowly, arrange more meet ups and be less intense. Relationships are organic and not forced.

You do not ask why you are not invited to someone's wedding it is rude

There is no 'can I ask why' it is just plain rude

This. You're starting to sound unhinged, just leave it

I’d leave it. As adults we move homes, jobs, have babies, don’t have babies, etc etc. All of this affects the ebb and flow of friendship groups. You say everyone else has been invited. Have they? I’d say it’s a certainty that other people in this group have not been invited to every wedding, birthday, engagement, baby shower etc.
I think you’re getting hung up on this one event - perhaps there are other reasons behind you feeling like this. How are your other relationships with partner, family etc at the moment. Work colleagues? Perhaps something else is making you feel this way?

Just leave it. There are some people you just never click with and that’s fine. I’ve had it- friends of friends who I “should” like but I’ve never got it- other people who I have met and 10 minutes later it’s like we’ve known each other for years. Nothing has gone wrong it’s just that you never were and will probably never be that good friends.

It seems as though you’re desperate to go to the wedding and she can probable sense that. Especially the gifting and increased contact. The wedding will be over soon, I’d take a step back from her for a bit but once the wedding is over arrange something you can all do together and make it clear that you’re not pissed off at all about not being invited- say it looked fab and you really hope she’s enjoying married life- would be great to get a lunch/ dinner with everyone in the diary soon or something.

If she was friends with you, do you really think you would have had to hear about her engagement second hand? She didn't even notify you. I'd be calling/texting my friends straight away were I engaged.

She's also not let you know she was moving on to another area. This is the sort of thing I'd tell friends as soon as an offer had been accepted on a property.

You didn't text her for a year, but she also didn't text you to keep up the friendship and in that time her life moved on, without you.

I have to admit, when I read your OP, I was surprised you'd expect an invite to the wedding. It's very clear that this woman doesn't see you as a friend, just a part of the same social circle.

After a friend upset another friend at my 30th and I saw the way she handles conflict, I never invited her to another celebration as I couldn't trust that she wouldn't create drama and ruin a special event in the future. Over time, I let the friendship drift as although we'd never had a personal issue, I constantly felt on edge around her and she also became really annoying when she'd drink. The friend she initially upset never really fully felt comfortable around her again, and as I was closer to her, she was my priority so she was the one who would get an invite to special events. I did not consider for a second that I'd invite the friend who had created the drama in the first place.

She's gave you a very clear message, repeatedly, that she doesn't feel the same level of friendship with you. It doesn't have to even be something you've done or be a sign of some massive personal failing on your behalf or anything to do with you at all. Sometimes we don't gel with people. That's ok. We don't have to like everyone and we don't have to force friendships. She's been polite but kept you at a distance that's comfortable for her. Please respect that and don't ask why you haven't been invited. The only answer is that she doesn't want you there, her reasons are her business.

Just try and detach from it. Send a card, wish her well and let her go.

She doesn't need a message to acknowledge not being invited. That's not a thing. Especially not with a noticeably lapsed or less close friendship anyway.

Sorry but it sounds as though she doesn't see you as a close friend, more a part of the group she has accepted and the falling out pushed her away further. I'd just leave it now and reflect on your role in your drift from the friendship group, especially as you say, you've had previous fallings out with others.

Don't send a present if you've heard about the marriage second hand. Fine if it's a distant relative or colleague or something and you wouldn't expect to be invited but this is a bit like knocking on the window hoping to be let in. I'd just accept this isn't a friendship that's meant to be and keep my dignity. Obviously be polite if you see her around.

Perhaps you could make some effort to rebuild ties separately with the others from the group or it could be time to move on. Maybe depends on the argument.

This is really helpful and you're right.

She is more like the kind of person I'd like to be. She is elegant, organised, 'poised' even, sophisticated, composed, dignified. I felt lucky to be around her and in admiration of her. I know we didn't ever quite click even though I tried really hard. When we got on well and had a good 1:1 chat I'd be buzzing.
My exclusion sort of confirms to me I'm less than. I'm a slobby, heart on sleeve, over sharing chaotic mess not worthy of friendship.

You're right it's totally about me and not her.

You didn’t even know she was engaged, why on earth would you be invited to her wedding?
Say nothing - you’re making her wedding all about you.

Your response here is really interesting, you sound like you don’t have a great relationship with yourself, that can then play out in your relationships with others …
we won’t click with everyone, people are allowed to not click with us, it doesn’t mean we are less than …

I was quite friendly with this woman and listened to all her woes, kept contact, but then noticed how she bitched about everyone so thought 'I leave this one go for a few weeks/months'. Not a single message or call from her. Decision, move on. If you move on and get rid of the non communicators, you will find your own sort of people and make some good friends who are worth your precious time. When we are young we want to be approved of and belong, but as you get older you realise that you need to call your own shots to make your life happy.

Also, you wouldn't really invite one person to the hen if they weren't coming to the wedding which may be why she's excluded you from that too

She doesn’t consider you a close friend, you didn’t know she had got engaged or moved away, you’re an acquaintance through other friends. Don’t embarrass yourself by asking, concentrate on your real friends.

Thanks that's actually exceptionally helpful with the anecdote and I can well imagine me being that person. Regardless of what caused the fall out I was the one from her perspective who upset a friend. And the next paragraph is really kind- thank you.

My exclusion sort of confirms to me I'm less than. I'm a slobby, heart on sleeve, over sharing chaotic mess not worthy of friendship.

This is such an unhealthy response. Your thinking style is harming you. You really need to detach from this woman and the pedestal you've put her on and work on your self-esteem and self-image.