Asking why I'm not invited to wedding?

[Nillk]

I'm going to try and keep it as far from identifiable as possible.

I was in a friendship group of four women, we'd have regular meet ups and holidays. One of them, Jess, was the one I was least close to. I couldn't probably articulate why- I knew her for less time.

We did this for years- however then I had a fall out with one of the other girls. I was the one who got angry and upset with the other girl. I feel like Jess took a negative view of my reaction. However things were repaired, if not maybe the same as before. We met up a lot as part of the circuit of hens does and weddings- I was pregnant and had a baby and struggled to make some of the plans. We went for dinner at Xmas etc. They all met my baby at 10 days old.
I met her new partner a handful of times at group meeting ups but a year went by without us messaging individually. I blame myself that my life was chaotic with PND and returning to work early.

This year I found out she was engaged via another friend as she hadn't posted on social media. I'd texted her about another meet up and we saw each other , had a lovely time, I gave her a card, and was so genuinely happy to catch up.

Since then I've renewed efforts but got quite short polite responses.
Since it's become apparent I'm not invited to her weddings- the others from the group are. She's even having her hen down the road from me and I'm not invited. However nothing has been said as to why. I can accept that maybe she feels she never had as much of a friendship on an individual level with me but I just feel so sad about it, I was so hopeful that we would get back to our dinners out and weekends away again in the future. I admired her a lot.

I've ended up the odd one out and getting excluded from friendship groups in the past so I'm finding it hard not to take it with grace and I'm feeling so hurt and that I must just be a repulsive horrible person.

I've messaged her this week as I thought I'd see her at an event and had bought her a little gift but she wasn't there so I was going to post it. She has moved further away.
I just sort of want to say to her that I understand I'm not invited, I don't want to guilt her or make things awkward but I want to understand where I went wrong. Of course she might not reply, she might say something painful for me, and it could make things even more excruciating awkward in future. Should I?

I would say you weren’t particularly close in the first place, you’ve drifted and weddings are very expensive. It’s not personal OP and you’re not a bad person, just not everyone clicks as good friends.

It’s very likely she can’t invite everyone she is friends with because of the expense.

I get that it feels a little like a rejection given that your ‘group’ is invited, and I would agree it could be seen as a little thoughtless, but not outright mean or rude of her to not invite you.
It’s usually a cost thing with weddings, and you prioritise people you feel close to or who you HAVE to invite (i.e your aunt/cousins you never see but can’t leave out)

To ask her why would be strange behaviour, frankly.
It would make you both feel bad - she may act defensively out of guilt, and it would be incredibly awkward. If there was an actual reason that was a result of your past behaviour, you’re very unlikely to get a straight answer - so you’d never know if the answer you got was the whole truth..

Asking her why could be taken as quite aggressive and needy - it would also likely be talked about behind your back. You don’t want any of that, surely?

I don’t think you ‘went wrong’ at all, you’re just a background person in the group for her, hence not someone she feels strongly enough about to invite to her wedding. Many people on here think it’s incredibly rude to invite someone to a hen who is not invited to the wedding, so that is probably why you’re not invited to that, even though it’s close to where you live.

Look at this calmly, OP. You’re not close — you only knew she was engaged because someone else told you. You say you ‘admired’ her, but also say you only met her fiancé a handful of times in group settings, and didn’t have any individual contact with her for a year because you were busy.

You say it’s happened before, getting left out of friendship groups. You’re unlikely to be in any way a ‘repulsive’ person, but if it’s a pattern of behaviour in different settings, it’s probable something you are doing/ not doing is contributing.

Please don’t contact her. Absolutely no good will come of it and it could further alienate you from the group.

She doesn’t view you as a close friend and that should be the end of it.

No dont ask. Its crass.
She doesn't think of you as a close friend. You are an acquaintance that she sees sometimes with her other friends

Oh no I don't and that's what I'm realising. I think I wondered why I always end up on the outside of group dynamics, I seem to manage individual friendships ok but have had three occasions over 10 years where I've ended up outside a friendship group. However I think I struggle to let things naturally drift and do become needy- I actually don't want drama, I live a very quiet life, but I struggle to not speak plainly in these situations and maybe make others responsible for my feelings.

The 'fall out' was an incredibly outing situation but I had spent months doing something as a big favour to a friend and when I felt her care wasn't reciprocated I got really upset. She felt like she shouldn't be beholden to me because of the favour.

You’re using friendships to validate yourself. You need to address your own low self esteem

I've decided I'm definitely not contacting her!

I was pushing for more reasoning because I was trying to work through the situation in my head and some responses have been really helpful getting me to question my own reaction!

The 'fall out' was an incredibly outing situation but I had spent months doing something as a big favour to a friend and when I felt her care wasn't reciprocated I got really upset. She felt like she shouldn't be beholden to me because of the favour.
Was this big fallout in public? Maybe she's worried about drama.

You was part of the group meet up and this is a personal event with her nearest and dearest. It's that straight forward

Look, you are who you are and thats good enough for anyone but not everyone will want to be friends.

This post is a bit sad as you're so negative about yourself but I do understand why your friendship hasn't worked.

Now, let's remove this woman from her pedestal and boost you up a bit and accept you just sound like equal but very different women. For example, I wouldn't describe myself as organised or elegant, and I do have my own reactive streak (DP has one group from uni whom I am civil around but they wind me up to high Doh with their opinions). However, Im quite a private person and just don't click with oversharers or those who make a fuss about personal slights. Even if they are the kindest people. They're not wrong, I just don't enjoy these conversations.

To be honest I think asking others in the ‘friendship’ group why you aren’t invited sounds desperate on your part, and very embarrassing for them. And when it gets back to the bride to be , which it will, she will be thanking her gut instinct that stopped her sending you a pity invite.

She doesn’t like you enough to invite you to her wedding. That’s it. No explanation needed. If you can’t cope with not everyone liking you then you need to look inwards and find out why you can’t handle it.

"Went wrong"? I’m not sure this is a right/wrong thing. It’s not an exam. She probably doesn’t feel as close or connected to you..for reasons. Asking what those reasons are would most certainly make things awkward…and you may not get a truthful answer or you’ll got a hurtful one. Just cop it with good grace and value your friends generally and the friendship you do have with this lady specifically.

OP maybe you could reflect on your relationship style. Friendship groups aren’t for everyone. Over the years I’ve realised that I’m much better 1-1. I have rich, intimate relationships with friends I see occasionally. Work is sociable and covers my ‘group’ needs, but when it comes to emotional relationships I’m looking for something meaningful and that doesn’t involve cocktails with six people.

I’m telling you this because I never really gelled with groups….i think it’s because groups are bullshit 😁 for me personally. I don’t even particularly like seeing my family in one big mob-you don’t really get to talk to anyone!

Your wording is interesting OP - no one is ever ‘beholden’ to anyone else and a favour not being reciprocated isn’t a reason for a huge dramatic fall out with a real friend imo.

Just reading your posts it sounds like this group were only ever acquaintances rather than true friends and maybe you saw it as a lot more than it really was

Use this to draw a line and close the door. They’re not your people

Yep I have a couple of individual friendships and actually I would avoid them interacting with each other. There's no chance of any dramas that way

If you regularly find yourself outside of groups are you mistaking friendships with situational friends?

For example work friends only tend to last while you work together, or for some tighter industries, for as long as you’re in that industry area.

I have lots of school mum friends as my kids are primary aged so we all see each other regularly at pick up/drop off/swimming/afterschool clubs/school events/birthday parties/PTA stuff. Which means we naturally know what’s happening in each others lives and share the occasional coffee/meal/wine. I assume once the kids move beyond that school and become more independent, and especially because our school has a fair number of families who will go private at 8 or 11, we will naturally drift apart.

In either situation some people might become true friends. And someone who has been within the wider circle might feel excluded but the reality is they only had the more superficial ‘situational’ friendship.

You were never really close and then had a spat with someone in the group that she is closer to. Then after that the group was never quite the same, you missed a lot of the plans and have never messaged her individually so clearly didn't become closer.

You clearly wouldn't be friends without the group. It's not really surprising that she doesn't consider you close enough to be part of her wedding celebrations.

Most people probably would have just invited you to stuff to avoid awkwardness, but she's not doing anything wrong to just acknowledge your always-faint friendship has run its course.

Yep, this.

A friend of mine from uni is getting married next month and I kind of assumed that she would invite the group of girls from uni as we were so close - I know I'll be inviting them all to mine - but she hasn't. It stung a little bit at first, but I quickly realised that it was her day, her choice. And I will still invite her to mine :).

Hi op

Do not contact her again.
Do not give her a present.

She may well like you, but you just aren’t a good enough friend to make the very expensive wedding invite list. Contacting her and gifting presents does look desperate, and I agree with pp that it will be awkward.

If you meet as a group in the future, be polite and happy to see her of course, but you do not have to make any special efforts right now.

I’d just accept the lack of invite and try not to take it personally.

You are right not to contact her, In fact, leave her well alone from now on. It’s really hard when you have to face the truth of someone else’s thoughts about you, when they don’t match your own, I’ve had the same recently and it’s taken me time to get over. I’ve not contacted the person at all since I found out what they think of me and it’s best all round.
I would try and see this as a positive. She’s given you a window into her mind, which you otherwise wouldn’t have seen into. Now you know the score and knowledge Is power.
I would also not discuss the lack of invite with the mutual invited friends. It can’t help. They’ll either feel awkward, enjoy the gossip or both. Keep dignified. And consider who, in all honesty, of this group are your real friends.

Such a useful thread for those of us who were never taught or struggle with processing social stuff.

Definitely get some more love for yourself and don't chase poise if you're naturally not the way inclined. It's too much like hard work.

She doesn't like you.

I don't know why probably no specific reason - just one of those things. Now you know.

I agree.

Have some pride and move on. You will make other friends.

She's keeping the numbers down, so she's simply shaving away those she isn't close to.

I'm glad you've decided to leave it, because buying her a little gift and then asking why you're not invited to her wedding, would come off as really quite manipulative.